Separate Lives
by JediAffairs
Summary: After years of fighting, Padme is considering reconciling with Anakin. When he is lost on a mission, she struggles to deal with the past and learn from her mistakes. While searching for answers, she learns the painful secrets he's been hiding....
1. Chapter 1

Padme sat in the shade and watched on as her children jumped from the dock into the cool water of the lake. Her handmaiden Sabe and the twins' nanny Cora were swimming nearby, keeping a close eye on them. Over and over they climbed the weathered steps to run across the dock , jumping full speed ahead and splashing the two women in the process. Their screams of delight and laughter echoed over to the shore.

"They have no fear, do they C3PO?" she laughed watching Sabe wipe the water from her eyes

"Hmm. Yes. Much like their father, Master Anakin." he stammered

The smile left her face. "C3PO, you're not to mention him to me. Remember?"

"Oh, Miss Padme, I'm terribly sorry. What with the children here and all, speaking of him... I forgot. It won't happen again. If you won't be needing me, maybe I shall return to the ship?"

"That's fine. I'm going to stay here a little longer. Lunch should be ready soon, anyway." She watched as he walked with some difficulty over the warm sand and up onto the dock. Luke wasn't watching where he was going and ran right into him. "Sorry Threepio!" he yelled back over his shoulder as he made the plunge. Padme let out a sigh. 'Anakin always calls him Threepio' she thought. Her son was growing so much like his father. It was both a source of comfort and pain to her.

She thought back to the times she came out to this private beach with Anakin. They would sit on the shore and watch the suns rays bounce off the water. She knew he didn't care for the sand, but he never complained. He was always trying to please her. After dark, they would lay on the deck of the ship, looking up at the stars and sharing their dreams for their future.

When the night air became chilled, he would take her hand and lead her down to the cabin below. Many times they were lulled to sleep by the gentle rocking of the ship. 'The twins were conceived there.' she thought with a smile 'Or it could have been on the balcony. Or by the fireplace. Or...'

Her mind drifted off to all the many places she and her husband had enjoyed each other that long weekend so many years ago.

"Stop it!" she said aloud "Stop making yourself miserable. Focus on the bad times." And there had been plenty of those, too. Divorce. It was an ugly word. But a necessary evil sometimes. Thinking back to all those wonderful times she wondered how it all turned so bad. "What happened to us, Ani?" she whispered

Her thoughts were interupted as the Captain's boy came running toward her.

"M'lady, I'm sorry to bother you. The Captain received a message for you from the main house. He says we should go back."

"Go back? But we've only been here a few hours. I told them we were not to be disturbed."

The boy could see she was irritated. "But M'lady, it was from a Jedi. He's going to be arriving at the main house tonight, I think."

"Tonight? Damn him! You go tell the Captain to send a message back to Master Skywalker and tell him No Way. This is my time with the children. We've only been here two weeks! He never even bothers to get off the transport when he drops them off! Why would he come here now? I'm not done thinking..." She was furious.

"I'm sorry, M'lady. But the message was from Master Kenobi. What shall I tell the Captain?"

"Obi Wan is coming here?" fear slowly crept into her heart 'Oh Anakin, what have you gone and done now?' she wondered

She reached her hand out to the boy to help herself up. "I'm sorry, Gage, is it?" The boy nodded his head nervously. "Gage, tell Captain Jenns we shall be ready to leave shortly." He nodded briefly and turned to leave "Tell Sabe and Cora to get the twins dried and back onboard. I'll be along in a few minutes."

"Very good." and he was off

She turned away from the water, looking at the dense foliage and collecting her thoughts. 'When will he stop being such a thorn in my side? Maybe Obi Wan is just in the neighborhood. Maybe Anakin decided to give me full custody of the twins and he's bringing the papers. Yeah, right. Mustafar would freeze over before he'd do that.' She closed her eyes. Becoming a father had changed him in so many ways- all for the better. But the divorce... It had destroyed a part of him.

When the twins weren't with him, he was reckless and careless. First came the alcohol binges. He did stupid things like jumping off the balcony of his apartment- to sharpen his landing skills. That was a broken arm. The broken jaw came when he picked a fight in a bar. The broken nose when he got in the face of a woman yelling at her young child.

He had been arrested on more than one occasion. The local authorities would bring him to the Jedi Temple usually and things would get smoothed over. Her personal favorite had been the drunken, public nudity.

She had laughed for days about that. When she wasn't crying.

Obi Wan had been with him that time. Anakin was so drunk that he couldn't walk without holding onto Obi Wan. He managed to stand by himself though, when he decided to relieve himself on the side of a building. He was taken into custody and spent the night in jail. She had threatened to take the twins away from him for that one. That thought sobered him up quick. He never touched another drink after that. Physical pain, disgrace in front of the council and the very real possibility of being thrown out of the order had had no effect on him. The thought of losing his precious twins did.

As much as she hated to admit it to herself, she had used Luke and Leia many times to hurt him. At first she told herself she was only trying to make him wise up and be the man he once was. A role model for his children- someone they could be proud of. But long after he stopped his self destructive behavior, she still held them over his head. Because he _had _ become the man he once was again. And he was trying to move on with his life.

Anakin had a mechanical hand and a faded scar about his right eye. Painful reminders of the war. His nose had been healed quickly so there was little trace that it had ever been damaged but he did have a small line of a scar that ran from his right earlobe down to his jaw. He had acquired that in one of his speeder accidents. Painful reminders of his own stupidity.

Despite these flaws, Anakin was still a very handsome man. And women took notice of him. Where the destructive behavior ended, the string of failed relationships began. It seemed he would never find true peace or happiness. Except when he had his twins with him. They gave him a glimpse of what his life had been and a glimmer of hope for the future. The suns rose and set on them as far as he was concerned. And Padme made good use of his weakness.

While she was admitting to herself using the twins to hurt him, she would also admit it was due to jealousy. She hadn't wanted Anakin herself. But she didn't want anyone else wanting him, either.

She had asked for the divorce. How dare he try to move on. A part of her had always expected him to long only for her. And she had liked it that way.

Yes, the twins had become pawns in the twisted games she played with his head. And for that she was truly sorry. He deserved better than what she gave him. But he took it all the same. And usually with a smile.

She had demanded that he not entertain any of his women friends during his visitation times. He agreed. He felt the same as her- he didn't want any confusion in their lives. They already had a mother and didn't need anyone else trying to play that part for them. They were only a little over three years old when he had started dating. It was a completely new experience for him. All his life, there had only been Padme. And as far as he was concerned, that's all he had planned to know. And wanted. But she didn't. So he tried to move on. Only to have her blocking his way.

The sound of Leia crying brought her out of her memories. She turned to see her daughter throwing a tantrum on the dock. She was a stubborn child. So headstrong and sure of herself. And knowing just what she wanted and didn't. And right now she most certainly did not want to be pulled out of the water. She and Luke had just turned five a few months ago but Leia seemed much older for her years. She was difficult with Padme a good deal of the time. Always questioning and demanding answers. Always quick to say "that's not how Daddy does it". That was another thorn in her side. The twins liked their father better than her. And he probably deserved their admiration. He was so many things she was not.

Jealousy and anger rose up in her again. "Damn you Anakin..." she muttered " your daughter is going to be mad at me and it's all your fault." She stormed off to the ship in a huff.


	2. Chapter 2

"Leia! Stop it this instant!" Padme said thru clenched teeth. Her obstinate little girl turned quickly, putting her hands on her hips in a defiant pose.

"You promised we'd swim all day! You said we'd have a picnic! Why do we have to go?" Leia's brow was creased with anger. The realization hit Padme that her daughter was acting just like she did so many times. Especially where Anakin was concerned. 'I am a horrible person. I am.' she told herself. 'Why am I just seeing this now?' But she knew why. That last conversation with him before he left. That had been almost a month ago. A month he had her thinking about things and realizing what a nasty person she had become. A month she spent laying awake at night listening to the little voice in her head whispering- he's over you. A month of pain brought on only by herself.

'How would he handle this? Well, he wouldn't have to. Leia respects him.' Padme knelt down in front of Leia to meet her at eye level, something she had seen him do many times.

"Leia, Master Kenobi is coming to the house. We must return to meet him. Please cooperate."

Leia's face lit up at once. "Uncle Opi Wan is coming? Is Daddy with him?"

Padme smiled at her reaction. "He should be arriving soon. I don't know if Daddy will be with him or not, though so no promises."

Leia looked up to the sky for a moment before turning back to face her. "No mother. Daddy isn't with him. I can't feel Daddy in the force."

The smile left Padme's face and that fear crept in again. "But you can feel Uncle Obi Wan?" she asked slowly

Leia smiled " Of course! Daddy must still be far away on his mission. Luke! Luke, Uncle Opi Wan is coming! Uncle Opi Wan is coming!" she ran willingly to board the ship

Sabe saw the concern on her friend's face. "I'm sure he's fine. He always is, you know."

Padme nodded. " You're right. I... Thank you Sabe. Everything is going to be fine."

Sabe put a hand on her arm " Padme, why don't you ask Obi Wan for his coordinates? Send him a holo, maybe."

"If I thought he wanted one from me..."

"You know he does. You could tell him you've been thinking, like he asked. Tell him you'll be ready to talk when he gets back. Give him something to come back to?"

Padme frowned. "But he already has her to come back to. And the twins, of course."

Sabe took her by the shoulders and looked her straight in the eye. " The Padme I knew, wouldn't give up so easily. She also wouldn't be afraid to admit she's been wrong. You know he loves you... do something about it before it's too late."

Padme threw her arms around the handmaiden. " Oh, I don't deserve such a friend as you, Sabe. How can I ever thank you for standing by me all these years? I'm such a fool..."

" Don't tell me that. Tell him." Sabe nodded and walked toward the ship with Padme close behind.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Padme sat curled up on a lounge chair on the back deck of the ship. Sabe and Cora had taken the children below to feed them lunch out of the sun. She watched as the beach got smaller and smaller, finally disapearing around a bend in the island. So many happy times she had had on that beach. But those seemed like years ago now.

It seemed like forever since she had seen his face even though it had only been a month. Perhaps it was because it had been the first time in years that she had actually looked at him and not just through him. Because they had been somewhat civil to one another for a change. Because he was finally ready to break away. She closed her eyes and pictured that day...

The mountain of work on her desk seemed endless. A dull headache was forming behind her eyes when one of her aides came in without knocking. "Senator Amidala? Excuse the interruption, but Master Skywalker is here to see you. He says it's important."

Her first thought had been the twins. ' Something bad must have happened at that stupid temple. Nothing good can come of putting lightsabers in the hands of children.'

But she knew if it had been anything like that, he would have sent someone else. If one of their children were hurt, he wouldn't dare leave them to fetch her.

'Why is he here now? I have so much work. I'm not in the mood to fight. Why didn't I put on my makeup this morning?' She went to the mirror and fussed with her hair.

"Send him in in five minutes. Make sure he knows what an inconvience he's being and how valuable my time is." She quickly worked the tangle of curls into a neat braid. ' This will have to do. Why now? Why is he always going out of his way to annoy me?' She tried to quell the anger growing inside her. She looked around the office. ' Should I look busy at my desk? Should I be looking out on the city as if I don't have a care? Maybe on a call...something important enough to make him wait even longer while I finish my conversation.'

She was so busy debating where to pose that she didn't hear him come in. She raised her eyes back to the mirror for one last lookover and was startled to see his reflection. "Anakin!"

she whirled around to face him "How dare you sneak up on me!" She stopped and took a good look at him. The last time she had seen him was at the twins birthday two months back. On a daily basis, they avoided each other.

He stayed at the temple or his apartment and went on his missions. She served in the Senate and visited Naboo often. The children were shuffled between them for almost an equal amount of time. Usually Cora or Sabe would be the go betweens with Obi Wan. That way they saw as little of one another as possible. If he brought them to Naboo, he wouldn't even get off the shuttle. R2 would escort the children safely into her arms and then return quickly to his master's side onboard. It was best this way. Whenever they came face to face, the tension between them was palpable. And her anger usually got the best of her. As it threatened to now.

He was standing in his usual, calm pose- feet apart, hands behind his back, head straight , eyes

slightly lowered. His skin was tan and he had a slight smile on his face. His hair was much shorter than it had been. It showed his scars more but made him look younger. Her breath was taken away as she looked on the boy she had fallen in love with. Her Ani. She gazed at him a moment before realizing he must be reading her thoughts. Squashing the memories, she recalled her anger and stepped over to the window, turning away from him.

"Well, what's so important that you had to come busting in here?" her voice had a little more edge to it than she had intended. He sighed and walked over to join her by the window. Her skin felt tingly being so close to him again. He gave off such an aura of energy and strength. It was disconcerting.

After a few minutes of pretending they were absorbed in the view, he spoke. "Padme, I've come for a couple of reasons." he glanced over at her but she did not look his way. How long were they going to just stand here like this? Stealing glances and acting like shy teenagers. It was painful. She turned to him. "And?" her tone was utter boredom. He looked into her eyes and then shifted his gaze to the floor. He was sad. She could always tell when he was unhappy. He swallowed hard and slowly lifted his eyes to meet hers.

" I need you to take the twins early. I have to leave on a mission tonight. I know..."

" What? How can you expect me to take them now? You have two more weeks, then it's my turn. I'm swamped with work. I need to get this finished so I can take them to the Lake House for vacation. This is unfair. And so typical."

" Typical? Typical for you, maybe. You're usually the one with something coming up! You're usually the one who has little time with them. I hate cutting my time short with them but I have no choice. I wouldn't ask this of you if it weren't important. Besides, they spend more time with that nanny than with you anyway." he turned his back on her

"At least they have a proper nanny with me! What do they get with you? Your Jedi friends? Uncle O PEE Wan?" her voice was whiney with sarcasm

"The Jedi are my family. Obi Wan is their Uncle. They have lots of family at the temple. And they have me."

She narrowed her eyes. " With me... they have grandparents." She saw his shoulders rise as though he were in pain. A wave of regret washed over her. It was a cruel thing to say.

"Anakin, I didn't mean it that way..." her voice was softer now.

He turned to face her again and she could see the hurt in his eyes. Still, he gave her that little smile of his. " Yes you did. But I don't want to fight anymore. It's not what I came for. I've known this mission might be coming up and it's given me a lot to think about. Padme, I just want things to be right with us again. I want us to be able to be civil to one another. For the twins' sake. I'm going to be gone for awhile. Maybe you could think about things while I'm away. Use the time to get closer to them. They miss you."

"Miss me? We share them equally. What do you.."

"Please don't get mad. I'm not here for that. They want to spend time with you. Not Cora or Sabe. They want you to read to them at night and tuck them in. They love you and you're shutting them out. They feel like you resent them."

"You turned them against me! I've tried to be a good mother despite the circumstances. Do you think this is easy?"

" I know just how hard it is. You are a good mother but... Leia thinks you don't like her. Luke doesn't understand your anger. They both feel things. More than you can understand. They're strong with the force. They pick up on your anger and resentment. They're both under the impression you didn't want them. Please. I'm not trying to be critical. Force knows, I'm not a perfect father, either..."

"Don't worry, noone would accuse you of being a perfect father."

He stood just looking at her for a long moment. His eyes shifted to the floor while he considered how to go on. When he finally looked directly at her, she saw only resignation on his face.

"I hoped we could talk for a change, but I guess that will never be possible." he started. She went to open her mouth but he held his hand up. "Please. Just hear me out. No more jabs or insults. No more fights. I have something important to take care of and it's probably going to be difficult. This might be the longest I've ever been away from the twins. I just wanted to let you know the concerns I've had about them." he walked past her, looking out the window at the city. " All I ever wanted was for us to be a happy family. All I want now is for them to be happy. And you. There is a possibility the three of you may be together for a long time and I just... I just..." She could her his voice breaking with emotion. Guilt rose up in her. Something was really bothering him this time. She walked to him and put a hand on his back.

"I'm sorry." she whispered. And she meant it. He didn't turn around.

" If things don't go as well as I hope, I just want you to know. I have never said one negative thing about you to them. I have always tried to make excuses for the times they feel you've been unfair. I've even taken your side quite a few times. But they are sensitive and they pick up on things. You have to remember that they aren't like other children. I just want to call a truce. Among the four of us. The twins have been stuck in the middle of our acrimony since the day they were born. It isn't fair to them. Can we just try to let go of the anger? Let the past die? Please. Just think about it. For them."

She walked around to look at him. He was fighting the tears that threatened to run down his cheeks. A part of her heart melted. "But Anakin, you're talking like you might never come back. What's going on?"

He choked back his tears and gave her his half smile. " I'll be back. I'll always come home to.." he hesitated as if there were more he wanted to say but couldn't. " Things just may be hard for awhile, is all. This mission is complicated and my visions for the future are clouded. There's a possibility I might not be able to stick to our visitation schedule. Would you please do something for me?"

She nodded, barely aware she was holding her breath.

"If I don't come back- on time, will you please make sure that Luke and Leia still make it to the temple for their training? The people there are family to me, Padme. And to them, too. I know you don't understand or even like their training, but it's important. They have my gift, or my curse, and it could be very dangerous if they don't learn the right way to use it. They're too young to understand their power right now, but you and I both know it's potential. We have to make sure it doesn't get twisted. The jedi know what they are doing. They will help protect them if I'm not able to be here to do it myself. Will you do this for me? For them?"

She was feeling stunned. It was as if he wasn't planning on making it through his assignment. 'Is he telling me goodbye?' she wondered. "Of course, Anakin. I know how much they love being at the temple. They complain about missing it when we're on Naboo."

"And you'll think about the other stuff? A truce? Maybe even us being friendly someday down the road?" his voice was hopeful.

"I will." She was still having a hard time taking all this in at once. He was staring at her intently. It reminded her of a time long ago. '_Please don't look at me like that. It makes me uncomfortable'_ He shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "Is there something else, Anakin?"

He looked out the window again, considering something for a few minutes before speaking. "There was something I wanted to ask." She noticed he seemed nervous now.

" I don't know how to approach this subject but I think it's time." He was nervous, she could hear the tremble in his voice. She waited with the expectation that he would ask for them to be a family again. He seemed so vulnerable right now. 'If that is the question, how do I answer?' She heard the tremble in her own voice when she told him "Go on."

He took a deep breath and blew it out. "I've been worried about Leia, lately. She's been a bit of a handful at the temple. And Luke. He's quiet. All they have ever seen is us fighting. Or avoiding one another. It's had an effect on them both. Our relationship has been a horrible role model for them. Leia thinks she has to dominate the boys around her. And Luke always has a nervous smile. Even when he's unhappy, he tries to be agreeable. He gives in all the time. Leia has him wound around her little finger so tightly...he doesn't stand a chance. Have you noticed this?"

She put her hand over her eyes to shut out the light. As much as she wanted to lash out at him, she couldn't avoid the truth any longer. She moved the hand from her eyes, smoothing it over her hair and down to her neck in an effort to rub some of the tension away. "You're right, Anakin. We're destroying them. What do we do?"

"I want to put an end to all this. You've already promised to think about a truce...that's first. We obviously are never going to be able to set an example of a loving relationship based on respect."

"Where are you going with this? she asked. It definately wasn't going the way she thought.

"I have been seeing someone for a few months now. Actually, we're old friends. I've known her since before the twins were born. We've gotten closer recently and I want to be able to bring her around them. It might be good for them to see..." he trailed off

Padme felt like a bucket of cold water had been thrown in her face. That wasn't what he was supposed to say! He'd usually fumble around the topic of them trying again. Where was the "I still love you Padme."? 'Is he seriously telling me, he's moving on? This isn't just another week long fling?' She walked over to the other side of the room to look out the opposite window. She didn't trust herself to look at him. Didn't want him to see the shock on her face.

"Who is she?" her voice was controlled.

"She's a good person. She reminds me a lot of you. Except she's nice to me."

It was a cutting remark, but she knew he hadn't meant it that way. He was only speaking the truth. Again, the painful truth. "Who?"

"You've heard the twins talk about her before. Her name is Ismay."

Padme searched her memory, trying to figure out how she knew that name. Hurt and anger flared inside her when she realized who it was he spoke of.

"You've been seeing the sales clerk from the stupid toy store? That Ismay? The one who gives them lollipops? She's the one who's going to be an example to them? A mere salesgirl? The Chosen One and a public servant?"

He rolled his eyes and shook his head. " I knew this wasn't going to go over well. I'm a public servant, too. So are you. How about a queen and a slave boy? A jedi and a senator? Does that sound better to you?"

She snapped her head around to face him. He wasn't backing down. Her nasty remarks had no impact. "You knew the rules!" she yelled "We both agreed that we wouldn't bring anyone around the twins. We wouldn't confuse them. Why did you.."

"I didn't break the rules! I've always been friendly with her! She helped me when I went to buy something for our baby! The baby that was too new to even know that it was twins! She's been a friend for over five years now. They're not confused, she's just the lady at the toy store to them!"

Across the distance, she could see the flush of anger in his cheeks. She was sure it matched her own. " What do you want? Do you want my permission to flaunt her in front of them? You're already exposing them to her. Do you want my blessing to bring her to your house while they're there? My okay that you can satisfy your manly needs with her while MY children sleep in the next room?"

"Padme, don't be crude..."

"NO. You don't be crude. That's what this is about, isn't it? You're tired of doing without while the twins are with you."

"Nothing is further from the truth! You know me! You know I'm not like that. I've never been unfaithful to you! We've been divorced almost five years and I never... I am a man of honor- no matter what you may think. Marriage is sacred and that act is for marriage only. In my heart..." his voice trailed off, choked with tears again.

"So, are you going to marry her? You want her to be their step-mother?"

"NO! I don't know what I want! I just want to be able to have her over sometimes. Take her with us when we go to the park or to dinner. I want Luke and Leia to be happy! I want them to see Daddy relate to a woman without arguing or tears. If they like her and the four of us can have some good times... that's all I want for now."

"And if they hate her?" Padme smiled

"Why do you have to be so cruel? You'd like for them to hate her. I'm sure you'd go out of your way to say horrible things to them. The woman I loved was never mean like this. What happened to you Padme?"

"I'm not cruel!" she was openly crying now. "I just want what's best for our children."

"If that were true, you would have never broken our family up. You wouldn't have divorced me."

They just looked at one another. He walked over to her, reaching out to wipe the tears from her cheeks. "Why, Padme? Why do you hate me so much? What did I do? I know those were dark times for me. There was so much confusion and pain. My memories are cloudy. But I remember my main focus was on you and the baby. Did I do something to hurt you? What made you so angry with me? Why did you shut me out?"

"I don't know. I was scared."

"Of me? Did I scare you?"

"No. I was scared of me. Of the future, the baby. The world finding out..." she bit her lip.

The half smile returned to his face but it wasn't in happiness. "Afraid of the world finding out what we had done? That we had lied? Married against the code? You didn't want anyone to know, remember? You first got mad because I told. Didn't you." he looked around the room thinking back to the past. " You were ashamed of us. Ashamed of me."

"No I wasn't. I don't know. It's so long ago now! Lets just forget it."

"Padme, that's what I've been trying to do. Do you think I like this torture? I've loved you since I wasn't much older than Luke. You were my destiny. I died inside when you first looked at me with anger in your eyes. When you asked for a divorce. I would have done anything to make you take it back. Make it go away. But it's what you wanted. You threw us away!" He wiped the tears with the back of his hand. "I don't know what you want anymore. I gave you the divorce. I've given in to all your demands, especially where the twins are concerned. I've tried. But nothing is good enough for you. Why am I not good enough for you? You don't want me, Padme. Why do you keep hanging on and turning the knife in my heart? Why do you prevent me from moving on? Please, Padme. Stop this torture. Think about everything I've said. Stop the animosity. If you ever loved me, even just a little, please. Please stop hurting me like this."

He put his hands up and cupped her cheeks. Looking into her eyes, he pulled her toward him and kissed her softly on the mouth. She returned the kiss and looked questioningly at him when he pulled away.

"I will always love you, Padme."

"Anakin..."

He put the tip of his finger softly on her lips, silencing her. "But you don't love me. So let me go." he pleaded.

Her heart dropped at the sound of pain in his voice. She tried collecting her thoughts, tried to think of a way to apologize for the agony she had caused him, but the words wouldn't come. He cleared his throat and started walking for the door, never looking back once.

"Take care of the twins and yourself. Please think about what I said."

"Anakin!"

He stopped but kept facing the door.

" I, uh. I. Come back to us safe. May the force be with you, Anakin. " she stammered

"And with you." he returned softly and then he was gone.

------------------

She opened her eyes and realized she had been crying again. 'How many tears am I going to shed over him?' she wondered. She looked out over the water and saw the familiar shape of the trees that lined the shore of her home. The sense of dread came crawling back, breaking her out of her reverie. 'What will I do if Obi Wan has come to tell me Anakin is dead?' "Why didn't I tell you you were wrong?" she whispered "I do love you, Anakin. I truly do."


	3. Chapter 3

Sabe and Cora walked slowly behind as Padme made her way down the dock toward the house. They both noted the solemn look on her face and saw her quickly wipe the tears from her cheeks when they came up from below with the twins.

Luke and Leia had quietly studied their mother and surprisingly gave her no trouble when she took their hands and lead them off the ship. Noone spoke as they made their way up onto the shore and into the house.

"It's bathtime and then a little nap. Okay?" she asked them.

"But Mother, Daddy doesn't make us take a nap." Leia's voice was unusually calm.

"Oh? Well, what do you do when you get tired?"

"We don't get tired. Daddy just lets us have quiet time in our room."

Luke broke in "Yeah, we don't get tired. Even if we do fall asleep during quiet time sometimes."

Padme laughed softly when she saw Leia frown at her brother.

"Okay, you two. Bath and quiet time it is."

The twins stopped and looked from Sabe to Padme with confusion in their eyes.

"You mean you're actually going to let us do something Daddy's way?" Leia was incredulous.

There it was again. Proof of the contempt she had always shown for Anakin. 'No more.' she told herself. ' Things are going to change.'

"Your daddy is a smart man. Maybe we'll try doing some other things his way around here in the future. For now though, off to the fresher!" She patted them both on the behind as they set off. As they walked down the hall, she heard Leia ask

"What's wrong with Mommy, Aunt Sabe?"

A twinge of regret ran through her but she shrugged it off. ' A person can change.' she told herself. ' Things can be made right.' She went into her bedroom and prepared her own bath.

"Things are going to change around here." she told her reflection. "Anakin won't recognize me when he comes back"

Once the water was just the right temperature, she stepped into the shower. With a sigh she told herself " He _is _coming back. He has to."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Obi Wan looked around at the grounds of this home that Anakin loved so dearly. Dense plants and flowers that lined the walkways swayed softly in the breeze, giving off a sweet fragrance. Sunlight rippled across the water giving the impression there were Alderaanian crystals floating on the surface. Birds in the trees sang a soothing harmony. And the house itself was painted in soft colors that were calming to the soul.

Obi Wan supposed it was the tranquility of the place that Anakin was most attracted to. He had never known much peace. The hardships he faced as a child, the burden of being the Chosen One and the pain of having loved and lost were all a heavy weight on his shoulders. The light in his eyes when he talked of this place was almost as bright as when he talked about the twins.

He shifted the bundle in his arms and made his way to the door, wondering if he was doing the right thing in coming here now. Through all the years and missions Anakin's directive had remained the same. Even when it became evident that Padme's displeasure with him was not just a phase that would eventually pass. He would give that sad, sheepish grin of his and say

"She has my heart, Obi Wan. I can't help it. She doesn't understand me in life but maybe she would in death. Besides, she can pass these along to the twins when the time is right."

They both knew that he was just as capable of sharing Anakin's legacy with the twins but neither voiced this aloud. Anakin still longed for acceptance from his ex-wife even though he had given up hope for a reconciliation between them long ago. He didn't fear death but he was afraid of dying with Padme hating him. It gave him some comfort to think of her having his most prized memories if that were to happen. Through them, he hoped, she would realize that his intentions were always good and that his heart was in the right place.

Obi Wan closed his eyes and let the force wash over him before ringing the bell. He decided at once that this was the right thing to do. Perhaps Anakin's hope that this would bring understanding to Padme wasn't just a dream. Maybe it would help. And if the reports on Anakin's fate somehow turned out to be wrong...

His thoughts were interrupted when a young woman opened the door. With a solemn nod, she pointed down the hall. " Master Kenobi, if you'll wait in the gathering room, Milady will be with you shortly. Can I get you anything?"

"No but thank you." He made his way into the large room. Spread out on the coffee table were some blocks, a princess doll and her wardrobe and several small model ships that Luke was so fond of. He looked around and wondered where the twins were. It was unusually quiet. It was going to be hard enough telling Padme but he was dreading Luke and Leia finding out. There was a noise behind him and he turned to see Padme standing there.

Her face betrayed no emotion but he could feel her anxiety. She wore a simple blue dress and her hair hung around her face in damp ringlets. They stood staring at each other uncertainly for a moment before she approached him. With a smile and a nod she reached for his hands.

"It's good to see you Obi Wan. You look well."

He placed his bundle on the table and took her hands in his. They felt small and cold to him and he could feel her trembling slightly.

"You look well, too Padme. I appreciate you seeing me on such short notice."

"Anytime. The twins are excited about your visit. They can't wait to see you."

"Where are they?"

She laughed softly. "They are having quiet time in their room. I just checked on them and they are sound asleep in Luke's bed. We were out on the lake most of the morning, they were pretty tired. I expect they'll sleep awhile."

"Good. It will give us time to talk in private. Anakin..."

"Wait!" She stepped away from him quickly. "Let's go out on the veranda. It's much too nice a day to be inside."

She led him outside to a table placed in the shade of a moss covered tree. The same girl who answered the door to him was setting out a pitcher filled with tea and ice along with a plate of fancy cookies. He held her chair for her and then seated himself. An awkward silence settled between them as he struggled to find the words.

"I've always thought it beautiful out here. The masonry and stonework are stunning. Were they cut by hand?" He wanted to kick himself for sounding so stupid. 'Stunning stonework? That was just reaching, Kenobi. Real smooth.'

She smiled and some of the tension left her face. "Yes, I believe they were hand cut. The twins and I have breakfast out here most mornings. They love to watch the birds on the water."

"Yes, this would be the perfect spot to wake up and get ready for a new day."

Silence again. 'No sense in putting it off any longer.' he told himself.

"Padme, I came today.."

"Oh! How rude of me. I'm sure you traveled far. Here.." she poured some tea into one of the glasses and passed it to him. " Are you hungry? Dinner will be in a little while but if you'd like something more than..."

"No. No. I'm fine. Padme. It's probably best if we talk before the twins wake. There is no easy way for me to say what I've come to tell you. As you know, Anakin left on this mission a month ago and.."

Padme shook her head, her eyes wide with fear. She pointed to a spot a few feet away and said "Anakin and I were married right there. It was a beautiful day much like this one. We were so young..." her voice drifted off as she stood and walked over to place her hands on the stone railing.

Obi Wan walked over to her and placed his hands on her shoulders.

"I'm so sorry, Padme."

Her breathing became ragged and she shook her head, avoiding his eyes. "He..He...He was so handsome that day. And almost shy. We both knew it was wrong in the eyes of the rest of the world but it was so right to us." She lifted her shoulders as if to gather strength then continued. "We didn't say anything for a little while after the holy man pronounced us man and wife. We were just content to look at one another. Finally, he broke the silence. Do you know what he said Obi Wan?"

She turned to look at him with tears building in her eyes. "He put his hand on my cheek and told me I was so beautiful and then he started laughing- that melancholy laugh of his. He told me it was the happiest day of his life but his only regret was that you couldn't be here. He said, 'Obi Wan will kill me if he finds out.' Then he looked at me with that intensity in his eyes and said 'But it would be worth it. Even if we only had this one day, it would be worth it. I would die for you, Padme.' "

With those words, the reserve she had tenuously held onto failed and she collapsed into his arms, sinking to her knees and taking him with him. "NO Obi Wan! Not Anakin!" were the only words he made out before her sobbing made her unintelligible. Tears threatened at the corners of his eyes but he kept his composure. He rocked her gently in his arms trying his best to soothe her.

Slowly, she began to quiet down. As her tears abated, she became aware of the awkward postition she was holding Obi Wan in and embarrasment joined the jumble of emotions she was feeling. She gathered what little strength she had left and attempted to stand with his help. They made their way back to the table in silence. He politely looked out over the water as she cleaned her face.

When she felt some of her strength return, she reached across the table and gave his hand a squeeze. Their eyes met and she could see the pain in his. Through the years, she had feared a moment like this but had never truly thought it would happen. Not to Anakin. He was so strong and too stubborn to die! This was a thousand times worse than what she had imagined.

The pain enveloped her and became a physical entity. There was a stabbing feeling in her chest and her stomach turned. Her head felt heavy and even her skin tingled as though it had suddenly become too small for her body. 'This is what true grief feels like.' she thought.

And though she had been through so much in her life, though everyone thought of her as a fighter, she only had one thought at the moment. She didn't want to face life without him. She had fought tooth and nail with him for years, told herself she _hated_ him, even wished death on him a few times under her breath. But now, when actually faced with it, she wanted to do nothing more than curl up and die with him.

With another squeeze of his hand and a slight nod, she let him know she was ready to hear what he had to say. She didn't think it was possible to hurt worse than she already did.

Obi Wan proved her wrong when he cleared his throat and quietly said "Padme, I'm sorry to tell you that...Anakin is lost to us."


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks to everyone who has been reading and reviewing! I'm sorry I haven't had time to reply to all of you individually but I will try in the future. **

He waited patiently as she let the news sink in. There were no more tears and her face betrayed no emotion. When she finally did speak, it was only one word.

"How?"

"The mission was dangerous. He knew that going into it. It involved supporters of Palpatine."

"But he's been dead for all these years! What is there left to support?"

Obi Wan looked away from her and wondered where to begin. The Jedi had managed to keep most of the details of the situation quiet and wanted it to remain that way. Even after the revelation that the Chancellor was a Sith lord, there were still those within the Senate that refused to believe that the whole truth surrounding the circumstances of his death had been revealed. It was this underlying mistrust of the Jedi that led them to be secretive in their investigation. They had hoped to gain enough information and evidence to be able to have the support of the entire Senate when the need arose.

"There are things the Jedi have been looking into all these years, actually. Surely you are aware that the Jedi have a few detractors in the Senate?"

She wrinkled her forehead in confusion. "Of course, but they are small in number. I don't understand what that has to do with Anakin?"

"I only remind you of those few so that you will understand the importance of keeping most of what I'm about to tell you to yourself for now. Anakin provided us with what we needed but revealing it before we are ready could be costly. He sacrificed everything for this and I want to insure..." his voice cracked with emotion.

He considered something for a brief moment before standing and turning toward the house. He held up one finger as he walked away, letting her know he would return shortly. She closed her eyes and wished for it all to go away. That they could start over. Do so many things differently. The image of him standing before her on their wedding day kept replaying in her mind. His shy smile. The way he hesitated in the doorway before coming to her. She could even hear his footsteps as he walked toward her... She opened her eyes to see Obi Wan approaching instead and her heart fell. He carried a small backpack in his hands. It looked as though it had seen better days but was vaguely familiar. He didn't offer any explanation, just seated himself with a heavy sigh.

"Palpatine had envisioned a great Empire. It was a goal he had patiently worked toward for years. He already had quite a network of people set up under him, to help accomplish the things he had in mind. Anakin was the final piece of the puzzle. Thankfully, he was strong enough to resist the temptation of all that power and he chose to destroy the sith instead of joining him." He stopped for a minute, remembering. "It was the love he had for you and his unborn children that gave him that strength."

She looked away from him, fighting the sting of tears. He continued. "He killed Palpatine but that didn't make all the people assembled under him just disappear. Those that were most loyal to the planned empire stayed together and continued to work to that end. We have kept a close eye on them all this time. Over the past year, they have made significant progress in one of their most important projects and the time had come when it had to be stopped. There have been Jedi investigating all along and... "

"Then why Anakin?" Padme spit out in anger. "If the Jedi have been looking into it all along, why did he have to get involved with it now? He has young children who need him!"

He took both of her hands and attempted to calm her, if only a little. She wasn't going to like his answers.

"Anakin had gifts that the rest of us could only wonder about. He was the Chosen One. It is true that we were aware of many things, but we needed to get ahold of some important documents that had been impossible to retrieve. He was our best hope for getting them. Several Jedi lost their lives trying to.."

"They knew how dangerous this was and they still sent him? What was so important that the council was willing to trade his life for? Why him?"

"He wanted to go! The Council tried to persuade him not to, but he insisted. He knew he was our best chance. He knew the risks but it was important to him! He didn't want his children growing up in a galaxy that allowed this to go on! If these Imperialists, as we call them, succeed, there isn't a planet out there that wouldn't be in danger. They are cunning and ruthless and will stop at nothing to achieve power. Palpatine had amassed great wealth to be able to see his dreams come to fruition and they are doing their best to see that it happens. Do you realize the resources that will be needed to fight against something like this? We needed every bit of information we could gather. Anakin knew this. He knew there was a good chance he wouldn't return. It was a risk he was willing to take to insure the safety of the world his children live in. And it was personal. The Imperialists are using slaves. The most cruel form of slavery ever seen. He couldn't let that go on."

She pulled her hands out of his while pushing her chair back roughly. Pacing angrily around the table, she stared hard at him. "Why didn't you go with him? The two of you were always the best Jedi team out there. You had to know how he would be affected seeing slaves like that. Why weren't you there for him? How many times did he save your life? You should have been there!"

He nodded in agreement. " I wanted to go with him. But Anakin and I have not gone out on a dangerous mission together since the two of you divorced. That was his decision, not mine. He wanted to insure that one of us would always be around to look out for the twins' best interest when it came to their training and other things. If he could not be here to do it himself, he wanted me to be."

Padme stopped in her tracks, feeling as though she had been punched in the stomach. "My fault?" she questioned weakly. She sank slowly back into her chair. "Are you saying that this is my fault?"

"Of course not. Padme, Luke and Leia meant the world to him. He would have given anything for them. Even if the two of you had remained married, he would have still wanted things to be this way. He never had a father. He didn't want them going through life without one. Even if it was only someone who could fill in and be a father figure to them. It had more to do with that than with the state of your relationship with him."

Her thoughts turned to the boy Anakin had once been. A fatherless child, born with the weight of the world on his shoulders. He had overcome so much. Risen above his harsh beginning to become the greatest Jedi ever known. He could have controlled the entire galaxy, if he had chosen to. But he hadn't. So much had been denied him in his life but he still walked away from the opportunity to have ulitmate power. He had been content to be her husband and the twins' father. And she had constantly tried to take it all away from him. Another reminder of the cruelty she had so easily dispensed. And now there was no way to take it back. She could only go forward from here. Do as Anakin had requested while trying to live with the horror of what she had put him through.

"Obi Wan?" her voice was small and tired. "I want to hear it all. What exactly this mission entailed and what happened to Anakin. I'm sure it isn't pretty, but I don't deserve a glossed over version of events. I was hateful and cruel to him more times than I can remember. He came to me before he left and asked me to do some thinking. Which I have been. You may not believe me, but I was already intending to contact you to find out his whereabouts so I could let him know I was doing what he asked. I've made so many horrible realizations about myself over this past month... I just wanted to ask him to forgive me, to tell him I never stopped loving him. But I just..." she searched for the words that eluded her but came up empty. "The opportunity to make amends to him is gone forever. I will live with that every day for the rest of my life. The only thing I can do is to honor his memory by trying to do as he would have wanted. Firstly, I'd like to apologize to you, Obi Wan."

He didn't try to hide the surprise in his voice. "Me? You have nothing to apologize to me for."

"Ah, but I do. You have always been there for all of us. Always looking out for what was best in every situation. You were put in the middle of far too many, "unfortunate situations" as you referred to them. But you were always fair. You were often on the wrong end of my wrath and you never deserved it. I got angry with you for defending Anakin all the time. I didn't want to admit that you and he were right. Even when you were on my side, I wasn't very nice. "

" I understand and I accept your apology. But let's not dwell on the past. The future is going to be hard enough, none of us need the added burden of reliving the mistakes of the past. Now, if you really meant it when you said you wanted to hear the whole story, it's probably best if I tell you before the twins wake. We're going to have to decide how to break the news to them and how much they need to know. They're going to be lost without him, I'm afraid."

She didn't even bother with trying to wipe the tears that rolled freely down her cheeks. "Go ahead." she whispered.

"Well," he began "Palpatine's ambitions were even larger than we had first thought. He had set up an incredible network of people, money and supplies. It seems there was very little he hadn't planned for. Except for Anakin's refusal, that is. Anyway, the Imperialists have everything at their disposal. We've been sitting back and watching. Hoping they would never completely organize without their leader. Our hopes were dashed when we learned of the huge number of slaves they were acquiring and the hideous things they were doing to them. It confirmed our worst fears."

She forced herself to ask the question that she really didn't want to know the answer to. "And what were your worst fears?"

"That they were moving ahead with Palpatine's largest plan to help achieve total domination of the galaxy. They're working on something called Project Death Star."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Obi Wan saw her face pale as he explained what the Death Star was and the destruction it would be capable of if it was ever completed.

"Monsters." she whispered.

"That doesn't even begin to describe them. The Jedi thought the project would never even be attempted. We had come across the Chancellor's outlines for many projects but this one was the most ambitious. There had been reports that the Imperials had set up a base on Endor and were importing massive amounts of materials. After further investigation, we found they were also bringing in large quantities of slaves. Many of them were taken from their home planets by force. It killed Anakin inside, thinking about all those families that were being ripped apart. It was difficult for him to just watch their plans unfold, but there was nothing we could do at first. We had to bide our time and wait for the right opportunities. We needed to get more information. What they have been doing to the slaves is a horror."

"What could be more horrible than being taken against your will and enslaved?"

He took a moment to consider how to tell her. "Padme, do you remember General Grievous? Did Anakin ever tell you the whole story about him?" 

She shook her head in confusion. "He didn't tell me anymore than what was usually reported about him on the holonet. What else is there?"

"His heart and mind were evil from birth. The body they resided in was a killing machine. He was made to be a weapon."

"Made?"

"Made. Created out of living flesh, metal and circuitry. From what we have learned, he was one of the first successes after many years of experimenting on living beings. A way to combine the intelligence of a living being with the strength of a droid. The Imperials have expanded on the technology used to create Grievous. They are able to take an ordinary human and build him into a working machine." 

"Build? Why not just use droids?" he could hear the revulsion in her voice.

"Droids are not capable of making decisions like humans or other living creatures. They are limited by their programming. A project like this requires workers who are able to take orders and change directives as needed. That's much more difficult to achieve with droids. They can also be motivated to work using different stimuli, both pleasant and painful. Imagine a man who has had his arms and legs replaced with mechanized parts that can lift or withstand thousands of pounds of pressure. Electrodes implanted into his spine and brain so he doesn't require sleep or feel pain unless they want him to. Images of loved ones suffering if work isn't completed on time can be placed in his mind to help control him. Do you begin to see how these creations are superior to mere droids when it comes to a monumental task such as building a space station the size of a moon? Using altered slave labor can take years off the project."

"What will happen to this workforce once the project is completed?" 

"Well, we are hoping it never sees completion. The altered slaves who have come to the end of their usefulness are disassembled and left to die. Their bodies have been used to the point that they can no longer sustain life without some kind of support. Of the few we managed to rescue, only one made it to the medical center alive. He was one of the luckier ones, only his arms were taken. The medics were able to replace them and he is healing as best as can be expected. He should live, if he doesn't kill himself." 

"And Anakin? Did they..."

"No. Not like that, anyway. Anakin and Artoo had set up camp far out from the settlement. He would gather information and bring it back to Artoo. If too many days passed without Anakin returning to check in, the droid was instructed to return to the Jedi Temple. Last week, Master Tre interrupted a council meeting to let us know that a ship on autopilot was preparing to dock. It was Anakin's."

Obi Wan picked up the backpack he had brought with him and began unfastening the straps as he continued.  
"At first I was hopeful that Anakin was tired and had put the auto controls on so he could rest. When I didn't sense his presence, I thought maybe he had been delayed and Artoo was just returning as planned. We could retrieve the information stored in the R2 unit and then send the ship back to see to Anakin." He pulled out a small round object that Padme easily recognized as a holoplayer. "You know, he was always on the move. I assumed he lost track of time and had been left by accident. Until Artoo emerged from the ship." he paused to clear his throat.

It was Padme's turn to reach out and take his hands in a comforting manner. He looked over the water for a few minutes before continuing.

"Artoo was covered in blood. Hand and fingerprints that were Anakin's. Inside, he carried the technical readouts we had been struggling to get our hands on. And a holorecording of Anakin's last moments and thoughts. I brought it with me in case you wanted..."

He heard her sharp intake of breath when he said the word blood and watched as she protectively wrapped her arms around herself when he mentioned the recording.

"I don't want to see it Obi Wan, but I have to."

He placed the player on the table and fumbled with the buttons. "Be prepared that it isn't pleasant."

There was only sound at first, Anakin's voice with an urgency Padme had never heard before. "Hurry Artoo! You have to get to the ship before they track me here!"

There was a soft whirring sound as the lens slowly focused. "Are they safe now?" Anakin's face, streaked with sweat and grime came into view. His eyes were wild with worry and pain. Artoo let out a small chirp and Anakin visibly relaxed a bit. "Good. Now quickly turn on the recorder so I can explain and say my goodbyes."

A mournful wail came from the droid while Anakin composed himself. "It's on? Okay. The readouts are safely stored inside Artoo, as well as the operations schedule needed to shut them down. I... I.." he swallowed several times, biting back the pain that was threatening to take over his entire body.  
"I was betrayed to the Imperials by accident. I managed to get away but my injuries are too severe. It's too late for me. Obi Wan, I couldn't have asked for a better friend or brother. You know. The twins...you know what to do. And Padme. Watch over them. Tell them how much they meant to me and that love never dies."  
He started coughing and the lens was sprayed with a fine mist of blood. His voice was weaker once he regained control. "Here, Artoo open it. For Luke, my lightsaber. For Leia, my riverstone." the sounds of them being placed into the droid's storage compartment could be heard. He reached into his shirt that was darkening quickly as the life ran from him. "For Padme...no. It's selfish, but I want to die with it. She didn't want it anyway. If you find my body before they do and it's...give it to her. Artoo, hurry and get to the ship!"  
Anakin's demand was met with a sad protest. "It's okay. It doesn't even hurt so much anymore. Too weak to get to...would jeopardize the mission. Its too late for me anyway. Go. Tell them. Obi Wan knows. My memories. My babies..."

His eyes rolled up into his head briefly before looking back to the camera. He seemed more lucid than just a minute before. Tears began to make their way down his cheeks as he made one last plea. "Obi Wan, I'll never teach Luke how to fly a speeder or be able to walk Leia down the aisle. I can't tuck them in at night ever again. I...When Padme finds them a new father...make sure he's worthy of them all. Don't let them ever forget...that... I was their Daddy."

He put a hand to his throat as a sickening gurgling sound came from his chest. His eyes focused on the camera and slowly closed before his body slumped forward. Artoo's cries could be heard as the camera pulled away, revealing the growing pool of blood surrounding the fallen hero. The image faded into darkness as the recording ended.

Obi Wan waited for her reaction, but none came. She was in too much pain. He decided to get it over with and finish the story so they could move on to the business of what to tell the twins.

"I have the gifts he left for Luke and Leia, but it's probably best if we hold onto them until they are older. I went to the site where the recording was made. The blood had soaked into the ground by then but evidence of it was still there. Too much lost for a normal person to survive. His body was gone but that isn't unusual when a jedi transforms into the force. I found the gift he intended to give you. Don't worry, they have been thoroughly cleaned. He always wore them around his neck, to be close to his heart."

He reached into the bag and held up a simple length of black cord. Hanging from it, were the japor snippet and her wedding ring. Fresh pain assaulted her as she recalled the last time she had seen them.

"Poor Anakin." she sighed. "He deserved so much better than me. Deserved so much more."

"He loved you. And he knew on some level that you loved him. All he wanted was your love and understanding. That's partly why I'm here. This bag. Do you remember it?"

Anakin had died a painful death, alone on a strange planet, thinking she hated him and Obi Wan expected her to be concerned about a beat up old backpack? She didn't try to disguise the annoyance in her voice when she said, "No, should I?" 

"He held onto this even after the code had changed and jedi were allowed possessions and credits. He didn't want to replace it. This was one of the few things he brought with him when he left Tatooine. A gift from his mother. It meant the world to him and it was his wish for you to have it, if anything ever happened to him. He keeps all of his journals and important memories in this. It was his hope that they would help you understand him, that maybe they could express his feelings in a way he couldn't. And the twins. He wanted them to be able to know him and remember the love he had for them. It was always his final request before leaving on a mission. It gave him comfort knowing you would have this if the worst were to come." he slid the bag across the table to her. "It's yours now. If you really meant what you said about honoring his memory, you can start with these."

She picked up the bag and held it close. "I will, Obi Wan. I promise."

Her gave her a nod and turned toward the house. "The twins are awake now. They know." 

Surprise crossed her face. "They know? But...oh. They are Anakin's children, aren't they?" she smiled sadly.

"Why don't you let me talk to them first? They have been taught about becoming one with the living force. I can answer their questions about the transformation."

"Okay, I trust your judgement. But they're just babies. To be without their father..." 

"Remember that they are also jedi. There is no emotion;there is peace. There is no death; there is the Force." 

"And love never dies." she whispered softly to herself, contemplating Anakin's last words.

Obi Wan closed the bedroom door softly. The twins watched him in silence, their eyes wide with fear. They didn't run to him, jumping into his arms and yelling with joy as they normally would. They just sat, fingers entwined, waiting for him to confirm what they already sensed. 

"What? No hugs for Uncle Opi Wan?" he asked, making himself comfortable on a chair while motioning for them to come to him.

Leia's bottom lip quivered and Luke refused to look him in the eye. He had planned what to say carefully, not wanting to destroy them but not wanting to give them too much false hope, either. He could tell Padme what she needed to hear, but the twins, they would know what to question. It was a fine line he walked. 

"Daddy was hurt badly on his mission, wasn't he Uncle Obi Wan?"

"Yes. He was, Leia."

"Mommy's sad. She thinks he's dead."

He stroked his beard and nodded.

"That's impossible!" Luke shouted as he jumped from his lap.

"He's not dead! He can't be!" tears threatened to roll down Leia's round, sunburned cheeks. 

"Shhh. Twins, calm down. Remember what Master Yoda has tought you. The Force..."

"But he isn't here! He would be if.."

"Hush Leia. There are things your mother doesn't understand. We don't want to make this harder on her than it already is, right? Your father was hurt badly. An ordinary person would have died from those injuries."

"But Daddy isn't ordinary."

He couldn't help but smile at her. "You're right, little princess. And because of his special gifts, he should have made the transformation. I don't know exactly what happened to him. For now, it's best if we accept that he is lost. We can hope that he will return to us, in one form or another someday, but we cannot pretend that he wasn't mortally wounded. Remember the teachings. We should rejoice when someone becomes one with the Force. Mourn him do not. Remember?"

"I don't want to rejoice. He's not one with the force! I just want my Daddy back!" she flung herself into his arms, crying softly. Luke studied his thumb for a few minutes before turning to stroke his sister's hair.

"It'll be okay, Leia. Maybe one day the will of the force will be revealed to us. But for now, Daddy is gone." he leaned into his Uncle's chest, letting his own tears go.

"You are wise beyond your years, young Luke. Anakin would be proud of how brave the two of you are."

"I don't feel brave. Whats going to happen to us?"

"Don't either of you worry. Your mother and I will take good care of you. It was your father's wish that you continue your training and I will make sure it happens. For now you must rely on the strength that training has taught you. Try to find peace in the force. You can hold onto the hope that you will see him again one day, but don't let that cloud your judgement. Your mother wouldn't understand that hope. She doesn't have full knowledge of our jedi ways. We have to talk about that before we go out to see her, make sure that things are handled correctly. Do you understand?"

They wiped the tears from their faces while looking at one another, communicating in silence the way they often did. Luke took hold of his sister's hands and spoke for them both.

"Yes, we understand. What exactly does Mommy know?"

Obi Wan smiled with relief and pride. There had been no need to worry, they were intelligent children and Anakin had taught them well.

"Your Daddy was injured on a planet called Endor..."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Padme paced about the gathering room straightening picture frames, fluffing pillows and fussing over the little momentos that were placed all over. Every few minutes she would glance at the hallway leading to the bedrooms. She had heard Luke cry out 'that's impossible' and Leia deny that her father was dead but since those initial outbursts, it had been quiet. The anquish in their voices cut through her heart. They had a special bond with Anakin that could never be replaced. She wondered how they would cope when the initial shock wore off and the realization set in that they were stuck with only her, a mother who they felt never wanted them.

The past month had been spent examining Anakin's words to her, turning them over in her mind until she saw the terrible truth in them. She had already planned to spend more time with Luke and Leia, to change her ways so that they wouldn't feel resentment or anger from her anymore. But she had been too caught up in thinking about what to do where Anakin was concerned, that she hadn't made a very big effort with them yet. She only hoped that they did feel things as he had told her so they would know her love was genuine, not just because they were all grieving.

It was too late for Anakin, but not for the twins. Even if it took her entire lifetime, she would make it up to them somehow. From this day forward, she was going to be the attentive mother her anger never allowed her to be.

The creak of the door caught her attention. Obi Wan emerged from the room, a twin on either side of him. Their eyes were red and puffy, full of tears they were struggling to hold back. They came willingly into her outstretched arms and once again, she sank to the floor.

"I'm so sorry." she repeated several times.

"It will be alright, Mommy." Luke whispered to her.

Leia nodded her agreement with her brother and smiled sadly at Padme. With a serenity and maturity that no five year old should possess, Leia said,

"Yes, it will be. There is no death; there is the Force."

Tears ran down Padme's cheeks as she held them close. The love and admiration she had for Anakin swelled inside her with a bittersweet sting. The jedi ways that she had looked down upon with scorn were the very reason they were handling his death with such strength and courage. Despite his troubles in the past, he was an excellent father. Every good thing in their character had come from him and his teachings. And the not so good things, well...she had herself to thank for those.

'If only...' she thought.

There were worse things than death, of that, she was certain. Living with regret was one of them. It was time for honesty, time to get everything out in the open.

"I know how much you loved him and what he meant to you. It's okay for you to talk about him, if you want. It's okay to cry."

They looked tentatively to Obi Wan and then back to her.

"But Mommy, you always said..." 

"I know," she whispered. "I was wrong. So wrong. I loved your father but I was too stubborn and proud to admit it, even to myself. I'm sorry for everything. Things will be different, I promise. We can talk about him anytime you want. Let us never forget what a good man he was and how we were blessed to have him in our lives. Your Daddy loved you."

Her words opened the floodgates as both twins, and even Obi Wan, let their tears flow freely.

"I want him back, Mommy. I want him back!"

"I know, baby. So do I."

The four of them sat together mourning their loss as the sunlight streaming in the window waned and darkness crept in. Eventually, one of the servants announced that the evening meal was ready and they made their way into the dining room in silence. Sabe and Cora decided to eat in the kitchen with the cook in order to give them some privacy. Luke pushed the food around on his plate, never taking a bite. Leia hadn't even picked up her fork, she just sat staring at her brother.

"Your father would want you to eat. You must stay healthy." Obi Wan told them.

They both looked at his untouched plate before staring him in the eye with an unspoken challenge.

"Fair enough," he smiled. "I suppose none of us has much of an appetite right now. Was there something either of you wanted to say?"

Luke looked away and shrunk down in his chair, but Leia was bold enough to ask the question that had been troubling both of them.

"Mother? If you loved Daddy, why didn't you want to be married to him?" 

Obi Wan admired the child's boldness and natural ability to get right to the point. He too, was interested in Padme's answer. 

Padme thought about it a minute, reminding herself that she had intended to be honest with them from now on.

"Your father and I fell in love at a time when jedi weren't allowed to love or be married, you know that, right?" she asked.

They nodded.

"We decided to marry anyway, against the code. It was a selfish thing to do, but love can be blind. There was too much going on, though. Your father was away fighting in the war most of the time and there were growing concerns in the Senate. The two of us began to see things differently. He had so much pressure on him. We disagreed on how situations should be handled. I was scared. One thing lead to another and resentment built up..." she sighed. It was the truth. As much as she could give them, anyway. 

Understanding crossed Luke's face. "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering, darkness." 

"Something like that," she smiled sadly at him. "By the time I got over my fear, I was too caught up in the anger to let go. Your daddy made me realize how wrong I've been, shortly before he left. I was going to talk to him about it when he got back. If only it hadn't taken me five years." Tears ran down her cheeks once again.

In a rare show of affection toward her mother, Leia rose and hugged her. "It's okay Mommy. Daddy always says, 'better late than never'. "

Her heart jumped at hearing her daughter refer to her as Mommy. Usually she was cold, using the term Mother or nothing at all. Perhaps the peace that Anakin had hoped for could finally become a reality. She and the children could move on from here. Her biggest regret was that it was late. And it was never, as far as Anakin was concerned.

Obi Wan laughed quietly. "Your father was always good at using that line whenever I was in some kind of trouble and waiting for his assistance. His enthusiasm got us into some interesting situations over the years."

"He told us how bad he was to you sometimes. He was sorry for that."

Leia watched as her mother wrinkled her forehead in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"Daddy had a talk with us. Right after I...well, after Luke's arm got broken. Uncle Obi Wan, he told us how he didn't listen to you a lot of the time. How he was too sure of himself. He could do so many things that others couldn't but you didn't want him to, so it made him be mad at you sometimes."

" I"m afraid we didn't always handle him the right way. Often, I was caught between him and the council. He was justified in his frustration, a lot of the time, anyway."

Padme heard him sniff as he casually turned away to wipe his eyes on the shoulder of his tunic. "He loved you like a father then, Obi Wan. There was just so much he wanted to do. He was an extaordinary person." 

"Don't say that, Mommy!" Luke yelled. " He wouldn't like it."

"What?"

"Daddy told us that stuff so we wouldn't be like he used to be. He said he was just a man with some special gifts and that he couldn't take credit for what the force gave him. The force let him see the future, see the bad things that would happen. If he had done things his way, he would have failed. He didn't want to be known as the Chosen One. He just wanted to be Anakin Skywalker."

Padme thought back to the bold young man Anakin once was. He was so sure of himself, often arrogant about his abilities that he wielded almost effortlessly. Could the twins be wrong? Had they misinterpreted their father's words? It was just so unlike Anakin. He always carried around some insecurities and doubt but never to that extent, not that she had been aware of, anyway.

"I didn't know he felt that way. He shouldn't be so hard on himself. He did follow the right path in the end, that's all that matters."

"Anakin was a much different man than you remember. The years humbled him, made him see what truly is important in life. He could still call upon his old cockiness when a mission required it, of course. But, otherwise, he wanted just to _be_. The prophecy was an incredible burden to him, he put so much pressure on himself to become the greatest jedi ever. And when he fulfilled his destiny, it was a hollow victory for him. He still ended up losing the one thing he was fighting most to keep."

Obi Wan was staring directly into her eyes, seeing if she understood the meaning behind his words. She did. Guilt threatened to consume her once again. 

Leia and Luke sensed the great pain and tension that passed between their mother and uncle. "May we be excused? We want to go to our room."

Padme looked at her children, happy for the distraction.

"Of course. We'll be in in a little while to tuck you in, okay?"

"Okay." they replied in unison.

Before leaving, Leia added "He hates that statue, too. The one at the Senate. "

Padme put a hand to her temple, not wanting to hear anymore revelations about Anakin.

"But he deserves that honor. It's a wonderful tribute." She had often taken her midday meal out in the courtyard so she could gaze upon the golden likeness of her ex husband.

"He doesn't think so. He asked for the plaque to be changed but nobody listened. He wanted it to be dedicated to all the jedi who lost their lives in the pursuit of freedom, not just to him."

Feeling as though there was finally something she could do for Anakin, she smiled hopefully.

"I'll talk to the Chancellor as soon as we get back. We'll have it made as he would have wanted it."

Her hopes were dashed as she watched Leia's face harden into a scowl.

"Don't bother, Mother. You never cared what Daddy wanted when he was still here, don't start now. "

Without looking up, Luke took his sister's hand and quietly led her from the room.

Padme sat, fighting back the tears and the urge to throw her plate through the window.

"What a mess this is, Obi Wan. I've made a mess of everything. I hate myself."

"Don't say that. Anakin wouldn't want you to feel this way. He loved you with every ounce of his being, even after everything the two of you went through. He wanted you to be happy. You have to try...for him. Things will get better. Leia will come around. Soon we'll all be able to think of Anakin with happiness, not sorrow. You'll see..." his words became choked with emotion and he couldn't go on.

They sat that way for awhile, each of them lost in their thoughts and pain. Padme hated herself for being so selfish. Even now, she was thinking about the one thing that had been bothering her for days. There couldn't be a more inappropriate time to bring the subject up but she couldn't help herself. Fully expecting Obi Wan to look at her with disgust, she asked the question she desparately wanted an answer to.

"Was he in love with her?"

She watched as he considered the question. With a growing excitement, she thought 'maybe he doesn't know who I'm talking about. Maybe she wasn't that important to him, afterall!' Her heart sank when he nodded his head. 

"Yes, he did love her. But there are different kinds of love, Padme. Do yourself and him a favor- read the journals he left behind. They can answer any question much better than I can." 

His journals. She hadn't thought much about them. Now she was afraid of what she would find. How could Anakin have thought that she would find comfort in reading about his feelings for another woman? Surely they were filled with ugliness about her, weren't they? She had been nothing but ugly to him, afterall.

"It will be okay, Padme. Trust me. Now, perhaps we should see to the twins. I'm afraid it's been quite a long day and I'm ready to turn in myself. " 

He reached out for her arm, patting her hand in a comforting manner as they made their way through the house. 

----------------------------------------

The twins were already sleeping and Obi Wan had quickly retired to one of the guest rooms, leaving Padme alone with her thoughts. She sat on her bed, staring down at the backpack while trying to work up the courage to look at it's contents. She ran a hand over the coarse fabric. It was old, but had obviously been cleaned and taken care of over the years. With trembling fingers, she undid the clasp and pulled it open. The soft scent of Naboo wildflowers hit her nose, bringing back memories of happier times. Not ready to look at his lightsaber, she quickly grabbed the data reader that was on top, closed the bag and put it aside. She had caught a glimpse of several things, including an old book that would have been used to write by hand. She planned to go back and start from the beginning tomorrow. For now, she wanted to read Anakin's last entry, see what was going through his mind before he set off to meet his fate. The disc was already in place and with a deep breath, she pushed the button, bringing up Anakin's final words.

_  
"Well, the meeting with Padme went better than expected but not as good as I had let myself dream it would. There were a few rough moments, as always, but overall it was okay. She was so beautiful, it took all my strength not to just grab her and hold onto her. Make her see that nobody could ever love her like me. I managed to hold back. I don't think I could have taken it if she had pulled away from me in revulsion, which is most likely what would have happened. I did get to hold her briefly though, and give her one last kiss. A kiss that will have to last me the rest of my life. I'll get too distracted if I think about it too much. _

Anyway, she took the news about Ismay about how I expected. I had secrectly wished that it would stir up something in her, make her see what's been thrown away, what we could have again if she would just give us a chance. She doesn't see it that way, though, and never will. The news did stir up jealousy, but not the kind that would make her willing to fight for us. It was the kind that causes trouble. I'm praying she doesn't look up Ismay while I'm gone but it's a possibility. Ismay has enough grief dealing with me, she doesn't need any from Padme.

I wish I knew what to do. I don't deserve someone as kind, sweet, and loving as Ismay. She is beautiful- inside and out. And she loves me, she wants to be my wife. Do I want to be her husband? How can I, when I still think of myself as Padme's husband? I'm pathetic.

She feels about me, the way I feel about Padme so I have to handle this carefully. I won't break her heart. If I offer her my love and my fidelity, I won't go back on that. Why shouldn't I? I could make her happy and care for her. She accepts me as I am, faults and all. She knows what's in my heart and she's okay with it. She believes I can come to love her as a husband should. I do love her. But it's like it was with Cadia. I was powerless to help Cadia but I can make a difference for Ismay.

I can stand before everyone and pledge my love for her. I can give her my faithfulness in body, but not in my heart. Not yet. That's why I hesitate. How could I consummate our marriage when Padme is the only one I can think about making love to? When she speaks of having my baby, how can I tell her that I only see my unborn children in Padme's eyes?

Why, Padme? Why do I keep asking why? How do I let go?

I have to stop this. Now. My mind must be clear and focused if I am to have any chance of succeeding on this mission. If I survive, I will come back a new man. I'll give the twins the loving home they deserve to see. They'll learn what love and respect in a marriage is like. I'll lock Padme up in my heart forever. I will be faithful and true to my vows.

I lost Cadia, Mom, and Padme because of my shortcomings. Things will be different with Ismay. We'll make a happy life. And in time, I will forget. In time, my smile will be real. All in time." 

Padme reread the entry three times before she realized she was crying again. Such deep love and devotion he had for her and she had thrown it back at him. How she wished to have that last day back, to be able to tell him exactly what was in her heart. To beg his forgiveness and ask to be his wife again. But that could never be. The opportunity was lost forever.

And if he had come back, he would have gone and married _her_ out of some crazy sense of obligation to make things right. He would have sacrificed his own feelings to make someone else happy. And Padme would have let it happen. She would have been too prideful to stop things.

She went to the fresher to splash some cold water on her face. Who was Cadia, she wondered. Probably just one of the many disposable women he paraded through his life after he sobered up.

There was something more in his words about her, though. A kind of longing that a brief affair wouldn't evoke. The kind of longing she was feeling for him now.

Climbing into bed, she grasped the japor snippet hanging around her neck. She slipped the wedding ring onto her finger, trying to ignore how comforting and familiar it felt. She took it off with a pang of regret and snuggled under the covers. She thought about their wedding night and how he had been shy at first. Her cheeks grew hot as she remembered how quickly he overcame his shyness after that first time, and how many times they sealed their union with an all-encompassing passion. So many times, that they had lost count and the sun had begun to rise before they grew tired and collapsed in each other's arms.

But that first time...it was more amazing than she could have imagined. He was sweet and gentle, only caring about her. He touched her with a quiet reverence, watching her intently to make sure she was okay. The adjustment to his new arm had been slow, but he managed without a hitch. All at once, for the first time in her life, she felt truly alive. Her senses heightened, she reveled in the smell of soap on his skin, the silken softness of his hair, and the weight of his body, covering her own. She had started to close her eyes as the waves of sweetness began to sweep her away but he urged her to open them.

"Look at me, Padme. I want to see you. We're one, Padme. You belong to me now. We belong to each other. Forever."

Afterward, they lay entwined as he gently stroked her cheek. With tears in his eyes he said "I love you Padme. Anything you want...I'll do anything you ask. I'd protect you with my life. I promise, I'll love you until the day I die." 

It was a treasured memory, one she hadn't let herself think about in years. He always kept his promises. As she drifted off into sleep, she thought about that last day, how he told her that marriage was sacred and that he had never been unfaithful to her. Here, in the darkness, she could finally admit it to herself. Divorcing him had been the worst mistake of her life.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

She had decided to take a walk to clear her mind. She had always found peace in this meadow of wildflowers. Their meadow. The time they had spent here had been the last carefree moments in their lives. It hadn't taken her long to discover that he was so much more than the boy he appeared to be. He was a man, with the spirit of a warrior and the heart of a lover. And he had gazed at her with a hunger in his eyes that made her pulse quicken. Such happy memories...if only...she thought.

She had stopped to breathe in the fresh morning air when she caught a glimpse of something out of the corner of her eye. With growing fear, she turned slowly to bring the object into her full field of vision. A squeak escaped her and she quickly covered her mouth with her hands. Holding her eyes tightly closed, she willed the painful illusion away. But when she opened them again, he was still standing there, his arms reaching out to welcome her into his embrace.

"Oh!" she cried. "Obi Wan was wrong! He was wrong!" she yelled as she ran to him. He looked healthy and strong, just as she had last seen him, but she hugged him carefully, not wanting to hurt him where he had been injured. He was here! And he even felt the same as she grasped his neck.

"I've missed you, Padme. I told you I'd be back. I'll always come home to you." he whispered.

The tears had started again, only this time they were tears of happiness.

"Anakin, I'm so sorry. I.." but he silenced her with a kiss. Closing her eyes, she lost herself in the sheer pleasure of tasting him again. When the kiss finally ended, he gently pulled away. She kept her eyes shut, content to breathe in the comforting smell of him and the flowers that surrounded them. With the warmth of the sun on her face and Anakin next to her, she felt whole again. Everything was going to be okay!

She was torn from her reverie by a loud crash behind her. She opened her eyes and quickly had to shield them from the sunlight. There was another crash and she blinked furiously, waiting for her eyes to adjust to the brightness. Slowly she emerged from the dream as her eyes focused on the window next to her bed. Right next to her on the table, was Anakin's bag with the familiar scent of his soap and the Nubian wildflowers. Disappointment flooded through her and she pulled the covers over her head, trying to hide from the agonizing reality.

There was another loud bang and she heard the soft murmur of voices and laughter. The twins and Obi Wan. She dragged herself from the bed and into the fresher, needing the time it would take her to wash and dress to clear her mind.

A little while later, she headed toward the kitchen, still working her damp hair into a braid. The twins were laughing, that was a good sign. Opening the door, she saw the three of them hovering over a bowl. Luke was sitting on the counter, Leia standing on a chair and Obi Wan stood in the middle. There was flour smudged on their faces and spilled on the floor. They froze and the smiles left their faces when they realized she was standing there.

"Mommy!" Luke called, fear in his eyes.

Determined to be her new self, she tamped down the initial urge to yell about the mess. She wasn't that person anymore.

Trying to put them at ease, she smiled as she walked toward them. "Where is the cook? Is something wrong with her?" she asked.

Obi Wan was looking apologetic. "No, she's fine. We gave her the morning off. The twins and I always make a big breakfast. With Anakin. We always...um...it's a tradition. We wanted to continue to..." 

"It's okay. I understand. The four of you used to make breakfast together?" She laughed picturing such a thing.

Leia laughed too. "Yes, Mommy. Uncle Obi Wan used to camp out with us sometimes when it was Daddy's turn for the rest day with us. It was so much fun!"

"Yeah," Luke added. "We got to help. This one time, I got too excited and flipped the pancake up to the ceiling! Daddy laughed and then he tried it to! We ended up having a contest to see whose would stay...oh." He stopped abruptly, the fear returning to his eyes as he looked to Leia and then at her.

Padme watched as Leia followed his gaze, her smile slowly disappearing. She grew uncomfortable as her daughter studied her with cold eyes.

" Go ahead and tell her, Luke. She can't threaten to take us away from him anymore. His mission already did the job for her."

Obi Wan quietly dropped the whisk into the batter as Padme turned to Leia. "What are you talking about?" Her voice was calm, but there was an edge to it.

"You already know, don't pretend you don't. I heard Daddy and Uncle talking, after Luke's arm got hurt. He was crying. You made Daddy cry! He said that now you would probably make good on all your threats to take us away. He said he couldn't live without us, but that no good, unscrupulous..." 

Obi Wan looked from Leia to Padme, alarm rising on his face. "Leia! Why don't you and Luke go and..."

Padme held her hand up, silencing him. "No. I want to hear this." 

Leia's eyes narrowed in anger. "Daddy said that your no good, unscrupulous, son of a sith lawyer wouldn't care how many lives he destroyed, as long as you were willing to keep handing out the credits. Uncle Obi Wan tried to make him feel better by telling him that for all the times you had talked about it, it had never happened. All the times? How many times did you tell him you were taking us away? That was the first time I had been really bad, but you had already been telling Daddy you would take us away! Just because he loved us! Just because he let us have fun! You're mean!" 

Luke watched as his sister jumped down from the chair, throwing down the spoon she had been holding as she ran from the room. He looked from his mother to his uncle before running after her.

Padme bent to pick up the spoon and sat down at the table, resting her chin in her hand. She appeared to be deep in thought, but Obi Wan sensed no emotion from her. It was as if she were completely void of any feeling. In this fragile state, he would have to handle her carefully.

"I assure you, Padme, we didn't know Leia heard that conversation. Anakin never spoke poorly of you in front of them. I know it may seem hard to believe, but he never did, I swear. And he wasn't even talking about you then. He was upset. Your lawyer is fierce. He meant it when he said he couldn't live without them. They meant everything to him. They were the whole reason he even got up in the morning. You know Leia loves you. She's just scared and hurting right now and you're an easy target for her to lash out at."

"I am an easy target because I made myself one, Obi Wan. Her anger with me is justified, we both know that. I never realized how much my threats disturbed Anakin. It was my way of getting back at him because the twins liked him more. It was painful to see their demeanor change instantly when they went from his arms to mine. They were so content and happy with him. Everything felt so strained when they were with me. Their growing powers worried me. And they were so active and mischievous all the time, much like Anakin. A lot of times they were just being children, but I saw it as them being his children. I loved them so much! I just was never as good at showing them like he was. Over time, it just became easier to let Cora and Sabe take over most of their care. Luke has always been sweet and loving, but Leia, she and I are just too much alike. I don't blame her for being protective of her father. It's just..."

Obi Wan watched as the wall she had put up began to crumble and the tears ran down her cheeks.

"How can I undo all the wrong I've done? What will it take?"

That was it, the wall was down. She covered her face, sobbing uncontrollably.

He took her in his arms, trying to comfort her, wishing that Anakin were here but knowing it was probably best that he wasn't. She had told him of her intentions to talk to Anakin, but there was too much she needed to work out on her own first. Would she be examining her past actions and her relationship with the twins so closely if she hadn't heard about his accident? He knew she wouldn't. She would have made her apologies and Anakin would have gladly welcomed her back with open arms. The underlying tensions that had caused the problems to begin with would have just been swept under the carpet. They most likely would have reconciled without ever truly understanding what had broken them apart in the first place. And all the while, those same problems would be left festering under the surface, just waiting for the opportunity to erupt and destroy what they had worked to rebuild. 

Now, more than ever, he was convinced he had done the right thing, letting her believe the worst about Anakin's fate and giving her his journals. He had known things were bad, but he hadn't realized just how deep the pain and torment ran within this family. His family. Anakin was his brother, even if the same blood didn't flow through their veins. And the twins, he couldn't love them more if they had been his own. Even Padme had a special place in his heart, if only, at first, because Anakin had loved her so much. He would see that things were made right. There was a reason for all this. There had to be. He secretly hoped that, through some miracle of the force, Anakin had survived and would return to them. And if he could help the twins and Padme find their way, Anakin would return to the loving home he always longed for.

But that was still a huge wish. The fact remained that Anakin had suffered fatal wounds and his force signature was gone. Just because he hadn't appeared to them from beyond, didn't mean he wasn't dead. It could just mean that he had been unable to make the full transformation. If anyone should have been able to do it, it should have been Anakin. But Obi Wan knew that nothing in life, or death, was a given. All he could do was hold onto his slim hope and work hard to repair the damage that had been done. It was the one thing Anakin had desired most. And no matter what his fate, Obi Wan intended to see that it was done for him. 

"Shhh. Come now, Padme. You have to stop this. There have been far too many tears in this house. We're all liable to float away."

She wiped her eyes and looked at him with a fondness she hadn't realized was there.  
"I'm sorry, Obi Wan. You don't need this."

"It's okay. And I'll decide what I need. Things are hard right now, but they will get better. We'll make sure of it. Why don't you go talk to them while I finish up breakfast. Then we can start the day over."

She placed a hand on his shoulder. "We're lucky to have you, Uncle Opi Wan."

He smiled and turned back to the stove, thinking he was the lucky one.

Leia was curled up in a ball, her head on Luke's lap. He was staring intently at his thumb, trying desparately not to succumb to the comforts of his baby days. Padme climbed on the bed and leaned up against the wall with a sigh. This wasn't going to be easy.

"I'm sorry. That's all I have. I was wrong, I know this. At the time, I felt justified in treating your father badly. I was jealous because he was a much better parent than I was. And I was still so caught up in being mad at him, even though I had no right to be. I love the two of you more than this life, even though I haven't always shown it. Your daddy and I had a talk before he left and he told me how you felt unwanted. Nothing could be further from the truth. But I'm going to be honest with you and tell you some things that are hard for me to admit. I hope you will understand and maybe be able to forgive me some day. You know, we're all we've got left. The three of us and Obi Wan. Let's not be mad anymore. Believe me, I wasted too many years being angry. It wasn't worth it. "

Leia sat up, studying her mother in curiosity.

"The first real fight daddy and I had, was before I was even pregnant with you. But, in a way, the two of you were part of the argument. It was at the beginning of the dark time, right before he started having all those visions. We were still hiding our marriage from everyone and he was getting tired of it. He contacted me and told me to clear my schedule and meet him here, at the Lake House. Somehow he had managed to get five days away. It was the longest amount of time we had spent together in years. Everything was perfect, except the strain of the war and keeping secrets was starting to take it's toll on him. He was frustrated. A subject came up that we didn't see eye to eye on and we both said some harsh things. It was during this, that he told me of his visions of the two of you, only he didn't know that you were twins then. "

She paused, reaching out to touch their faces.

"Now, this is the part that is hard for me to admit. I didn't believe in Anakin's visions of you. I believed he saw them, just that they weren't right. I thought there was no way we could even think about a child with everything that was going on around us. But he was insistent. And I didn't even want to think about the possibility then. It was too hard for me. We were both so stubborn, we refused to see each other's side. Eventually, things were smoothed over and we made up but nothing was quite the same. Neither of us realized it at the time, but that was when the rift between us first opened." 

Leia was still frowning, but her eyes had softened a bit, giving Padme the courage to continue.

"A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. Even though I had doubts, I was happy. But I was also terrified. And mad at your father. " 

"You were mad at him because he was right and you were wrong?" Luke's innocent eyes locked with hers.

Oh, explaining this was even harder than she thought it would be. They were still young, and some things were meant to be kept between her and Anakin, she supposed. Luke's interpretation of things was close enough to the truth and on a level the twins could understand, she decided.

"Something like that, baby. Anyway, things got worse as the months passed. There was talk that your daddy and Obi Wan had been killed. It was like living in a nightmare. I was scared at the thought of raising a baby on my own, and heartbroken that Anakin would never get to see the child he so desparately wanted. I cried with joy when I heard he was still alive. When we were reunited and he found out I was pregnant, he told me it was the happiest moment of his life. For a few blissful hours, we were the only two people in the world and I had hope that everything would work out. But as you know, it didn't. There was no happy ending for us."

Leia spoke, her voice solemn. "That was when the bad visions started. When the darkness took over."

Padme nodded, wondering just how much the twins had been told about the dark time.

"That Sith lied to Daddy. He almost joined him trying to save you and us. Is that why you divorced him?" 

It would be an easy lie to tell. Letting them think that was the reason for the divorce wouldn't make her look as bad. But her guilty conscience and the promise she made to herself to be honest with them from now on wouldn't let her. And it wouldn't be fair to Anakin.

"No. He made the right decision. My anger came from that first fight we had months before. I still had a hard time with some of the things we disagreed on. With everything that was happening, it brought some of my concerns to light. I was mad and I blamed everything on Anakin. Gradually, the anger turned to hate. He was already overwhelmed dealing with the Chancellor. He thought we would come to terms. But I was determined that we wouldn't. I fell in love with both of you the instant you were born. But I was not about to give in. My stubborn pride got in the way."

She lost herself in memories and it was a few minutes before she noticed the twins looking at her expectantly.

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I told you all of this. I just wanted to try and help you see how things were for us. It was such an awful, confusing time. The two of you were the only bright spot. I know how wrong I was. Anakin wasn't always perfect, he did his share of fighting and other things. But mostly, it was me. I started it all. I can admit that now. And I'm asking for you to forgive me. If I hadn't done all that, we could have been a family all these years. I took what we had for granted and threw it away. Can we try and move on from here?"

"Would you tell all this to Daddy if he were here?" Leia asked.

"Of course! I hate myself for not telling him when I had the chance. If I could trade places with him and bring him back to you, I would. But I can't. Please, give me a chance to be your Mommy. Don't hate me anymore."

"We don't hate you, Mommy. We just hate what you did to Daddy." Leia said before reaching out for her. 

Holding her babies close, Padme added, "So do I." 

After a short time, they pulled away.

"Can we go back and help now?"

She smiled and ruffled their hair gently. "Of course. I'll be along soon."

"Okay! We'll call you when we're done."

Padme took a deep breath and closed her eyes. The worst was over. They had accepted her explanation and, hopefully in time, they would accept her apologies. It was a start.

"Anakin," she spoke aloud. "Wherever you are, I hope you can see this. I hope I'm making you proud. And that you finally know just how much I loved you." 

She made up her mind that she would be strong from now on. She would do her best not to cry anymore. Not in front of others, anyway. In private, especially when she was reading Anakin's words, she couldn't promise herself that she wouldn't.

The story she had told the twins was accurate enough, even though she had described it in the most basic, watered down way. It was all they needed. But she knew the full truth of that first fight. How ugly it had been. What had Anakin thought about it? They never really had a chance to work it through together. They had quickly made up because he had to return to the war shortly after. The next time they saw each other, everything was beyond their control.

As soon as she felt strong enough, she would read his version of that night. As hard as it would be to relive that moment, she knew she had to.

Maybe his words would vindicate him and her suspicions could finally be put to rest. Even now, though she had started to let go and forgive him, it still nagged at the back of her mind. What would she do if she found Anakin's transgressions _were_ real and not just in her mind as she hoped? And which would be worse? Finding out that he _had_ deceived her, or that she had thrown everything away for nothing?


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

The day improved greatly after it's rocky start. Padme had returned to a fairly clean kitchen. Breakfast was just about ready and the twins were eager for her to try their cooking. She was pleasantly surprised at how good the food was and they were beaming when she told them so. A lot of the tension was gone from the air. Leia had even called her Mommy a few times. Feeling as though this was as good a start as she could hope for, she decided to jump in with both feet by sending Cora and Sabe home to visit with their families. The twins were happy, but Obi Wan looked uncertain.

Later, while the twins were occupied with getting dressed, he asked if she was sure about taking over the full care of them.

" I can help for a few more days, then I must head back to Endor. Will you be able to manage without them?"

She was disappointed to hear he would be leaving so soon and upset about his destination.

"I'll be fine. The three of us have to learn to get along and it may as well be now. Besides, Cora and Sabe's families are only a few hours away. They can easily return, if needed. And C3PO will be here." 

"When are you planning on going back to Coruscant?" 

"The Senate is adjourned for another six weeks, so I have plenty of time. I was going to ask you about the twins, though. The original agreement with Anakin was only for two weeks on Naboo and it's a day over that already. When he sprung the news of his mission on me, he didn't say how long they could be away from the temple, only that it was important to him that they still go. What should I do? What would Anakin want?"

He smiled at the consideration she was showing for Anakin and his wishes, she was making progress. If only this could have come about while he was still with us, he thought sadly.

"Obviously the Council is aware of the situation and they know I"m here. At a hard time like this, an extended vacation might be good for them. I'm still involved in the investigation of the Imperials and Anakin's accident, along with several other jedi, but they don't require my physical presence all the time. If you would like, I will return here and stay to help with the twins, in between my visits to Endor. We can work on their training when they're ready."

"Thank you, Obi Wan. I'd like that very much." He was surprised when she hugged him in gratitude.

"You don't have to thank me. I do have ulterior motives, you know. Being with the twins helps. Focusing on them keeps my mind off of...things. And knowing I'm carrying out Anakin's wishes is a comfort to me."

"You're a good man."

The twins appeared in the doorway, frowning. "Why don't you have your bathing suits on?" Luke moaned. "It's already getting late."

Obi Wan tilted his head to the side, giving the twins a stern look. He spoke to them kindly, despite the harsh look on his face.

"You didn't give me a chance to talk to your Mother about our plans for the day. And Luke, what would your Father say if he heard you whining?"

Luke took a minute to think, biting the inside of his cheek while looking at the floor.

"You're right, Uncle Obi Wan. I'm sorry. But can we please go swimming soon? Please Mommy?"

Padme was amazed at how well the twins listened to Obi Wan. Had they always been like that with Anakin? Never in her life would she have thought it possible that her children could be so attentive and well behaved. No matter how strict she was, they were wild at times, refusing to stop what they were doing and pay attention to her. Were they just subdued because of losing their father, or had Anakin been a better parent than she had thought?

"What would Daddy have said if he heard you talking like that?"

He hesitated, looking toward his uncle for approval before speaking.

"Daddy told us there was no sense in us whining because he had already made an art form out of it and there was nothing new to be gained or discovered from it. He wasted too much time complaining instead of trying to make the situation better. We're supposed to remember that always, so we can make better choices than he did."

Padme stared down at her son, speechless. Was this really her little boy speaking? When had Anakin gained this wisdom, and how did he manage to impart it to the twins?

Once again, she became painfully aware of how little she had paid attention to Anakin over the past few years. Unless they were fighting, of course. And at those times, he didn't always display that level of maturity. But to be fair, neither had she. In fact, she was usually the one causing strife between them, always picking at him, being overly critical and threatening. Shrinking away from those thoughts, she refused to take the entire blame. He was responsible for his own actions, even if they were in response to her abuse. He had a hand in...

It wasn't until Leia touched her arm, that she realized how lost in thought she had been.

"...doesn't count. Uncle Obi Wan knows how to pilot the ship. Please? Can we please go?"

Unsure of exactly what she was agreeing to, she sent them outside with the promise to be along shortly.

"They want to go back to the special beach," Obi Wan explained. "Apparently, they don't consider getting your feet wet swimming. I hear that's about all you've done the past two weeks. They want the four of us in the water together. And for the record, I didn't promise anything."   
Seeing the weariness in her smile, he added, "I can take them myself if you would like to rest. You haven't really had time to adjust, yet."

"I'll be fine. Maybe we can all forget...for a few hours at least." She paused, wanting to say more, but unable to.

Looking past her, out into the yard where the twins were playing, he said, "He was a good father, Padme. He tried his best and he was determined they would not walk the same path he did. He wanted better for them and his every waking moment was spent trying to make that happen. If the two of you could have just...stopped, even for a moment, you would have seen the man he had become. He didn't want to be that angry boy anymore." 

"I know. I read part of his journal last night. He was different. He seemed resigned to the way things were, like he was powerless to change things. The old Anakin would have never just accepted his fate, he would have gone kicking and screaming." 

"It was his way of finding peace, Padme. He felt powerless to change the things that bothered him the most. He was working on letting go, trying to make the best of what life handed him. Knowing he could never have what he truly wanted, he decided to find contentment in making other people happy. "

"Would he have found contentment in her arms? Do you think he would have married her?"

"I don't know. When he spoke of remarrying, in his mind's eye, it was always you standing beside him. Never her."

Glancing over her shoulder to see the twins making faces at the window, she said, "It's probably better not to think about what could have been. Let's get moving before one of them bursts, Uncle Opi. "

"A wise decision." 

She smiled and said the words in her head, _a wise decision_. Maybe it would be wise not to look at the journals anymore. What good would it do, stirring up jealousies and picking at old wounds? Maybe the past was best left buried, she thought as she went to get ready for the day. 

------------------------------------------------------

From her lounge chair on the ship, she watched the three of them move in silent rhythm together at the edge of the water. After a full morning of sun and swimming, even breathing felt like work to her. When the twins and the jedi master decided to head back to the beach for a workout after lunch, she had been more than happy to stay behind. 

It surprised her to see the level of discipline the twins had already developed. They were special, like their father. How many times had she seen that same look of concentration on his face? How many times had she tried her best to break that concentration, walking around barely dressed or sending him thoughts?

It had been easy, too. When he was in tune with the Force, he could sense everything she was feeling.

She closed her eyes, thinking about that long weekend. There had been some tension at first, something bothering him. The war had started to take it's toll and he was tired. Instead of rushing to the bedroom immediately, he went to meditate while she attempted to make some dinner. An hour later, she found him on the veranda, deep in thought. Trying to lighten his mood, she playfully pictured the two of them in their meadow. Unsure of just how much he could pick up her thoughts, she let her mind wander even farther. Getting no response, she turned to go put dinner back in the oven to stay warm.

"Wait," She stopped at the sound of his voice. Wrapping his arms around her from behind, he kissed her gently on the neck. "I would like nothing more than to make love to you in our meadow, but it's starting to get dark. Tomorrow, my love?"

Relishing the feel of his lips on her skin, she told him sadly, "It's going to rain the next few days. We'll just have to rough it in here."

He had laughed then, and she felt the tension lift. They started out for the bedroom, only making it as far as the gathering room, before sinking to the floor in each others arms. They had made love three times by the fireplace. Afterward, she marveled at how perfectly they fit together as he was holding her to him, her back snug against his chest. No matter what was going on in the world, as long as they could still find themselves and get lost in one another, everything would be okay.

She had been even more sure of it when they woke the next day. In sleep he looked innocent, but it wasn't long before he slowly opened his eyes, revealing a hunger that needed to be satisfied. Pulling her to her feet, he led them to the fresher so they could bathe together. When they finished, she reached for him but he pulled away. Seeing the look of rejection on her face, he cupped her cheeks and kissed her.

"Not here, my love. You wanted to make love in our meadow, remember?"

Laughing at him, she said, "But it's raining! We can't go out there in the rain."

He looked toward the window. "Hmmm, so it is. C'mon..let's go," He picked her up, face to face, wrapping her legs around his waist. Carrying her down the hall, he stopped at their bedroom door. "I meant it when I said I'd do anything you ask, give you anything you want. I love you, Padme." 

With that, he slowly opened the door, revealing thousands of wildflowers placed throughout the room, their fragrance soft and inviting. There were bouquets spread on the tables. Long chains of blossoms and sweet grass hung from the canopy and wound around the bedposts. He even remembered the small white buds that were her favorite, sprinkling them across the floor. It brought tears to her eyes. Misunderstanding, he slowly put her down on the bed.

"I'm sorry. Please don't cry, I can fix this. I thought..."

She silenced him by covering her mouth with his.

"It's beautiful, Anakin. It's so beautiful." she told him as he pulled away to look at her.

"Do you really think so?" he whispered as she laid back, pulling him with her.

Later, she asked him how he had managed to do all that but he didn't answer, only smiled. Seeing the exhaustion in his eyes, she didn't press the issue, letting him drift off to sleep. Watching him, she thought how lucky she was to have a man with such special gifts, how lucky they were to share the bond that they had. She fell asleep in his arms feeling happier than she had ever been, not knowing the beginning of the end was only a few days away.

Feeling the gentle rocking of the ship, she fought to open her eyes. It was too dark to see the shoreline anymore. The sound of a door closing and the slap of bare feet on the steps came from below. Turning to see if it was Obi Wan or one of the twins, she was startled when Anakin appeared. 

"Found the blanket," he stopped, looking at her curiously. "What's wrong? Aren't you happy to see me?" 

She just stared as he climbed behind her, snuggling in while throwing the blanket over the two of them and tucking her head under his chin. He felt so real this time. But she knew. And she decided to enjoy him for what little time she had.

"Of course I'm happy to see you. What are we doing?"

"Watching the stars. Remember? You were cold, so I went to get the blanket." 

"Yes," she did remember. "You were telling me about all the different places you've been."

"As a little boy, I couldn't wait to travel the entire galaxy. Now, I just long to have someplace to call home. I'm tired of dragging around from place to place. I want to put down roots, Padme." 

"Someday, Anakin." She told him, the same as when they had this conversation years ago. He grunted in frustration.

" I'm tired of waiting for someday to come. Wherever you are is home to me. Why didn't you understand that? What made you turn away from me?" 

She shifted her body, turning around to look at him. "What did you say?"

"You know. You know what's about to happen. After discussing our hopes and dreams for awhile, we're going to head back to the house. We're going to make love in body, mind and spirit one last time. And then, it will be over. The fight, Padme. We didn't realize the damage it would cause. Our rushed apologies meant nothing. The hurt was left behind, left to rot inside us. This is the night we get broken." His voice was sad, his eyes piercing as he stared at her.

"Stop Anakin! I don't want to hear anymore!" she cried.

"Don't you see? Too much has gone unquestioned and unaswered for too long! You let it go on, not wanting to hear the truth! Why didn't we talk it out that night? Or when I came back? "

"But Palpatine..."

"He would have never had such an influence if we had been strong. If there had been trust."

"I'm sorry, Anakin. All of this has passed. There is nothing I can do."

"There is. I left my journals for you for a reason. Go and find the answers you need. The answers you've been afraid to hear. It can fix us." 

She reached out, tracing her hand on the spot around his eye where he would be injured in a few months, wishing this were real. 

"I'm not sure I'm ready yet. And we can't be fixed. You're not even here." she cried.

"But I am. I'm right here," he pointed at her heart. "I told you I'd always come back to you. I want to come home."

She buried her head in his robes, crying softly as he stroked her hair. 

"It's okay, Padme. It's okay." She opened her eyes slowly, seeing she was curled up on the lounge, a towel twisted in her hands. Obi Wan was standing over her looking worried.

"Are you alright, Padme? You've been crying in your sleep."

She sat up slowly, feeling disoriented. "I'm fine. Just dreaming of Anakin." She considered asking him if he thought there was any significance to her dreams, but decided against it, wanting to keep her thoughts to herself for now. "Where are the twins?" 

"They wanted to collect some stones from the beach before we go back. They should be along any minute. I can sense them..."

She grabbed ahold of his hands. "It's okay. I trust you with their lives, Obi Wan. I know they're safe." 

A flush of pink rose in his cheeks, already reddened from the sun. "Well, if you don't need anything, I think I'll see to the engines. It's about time we headed home."

She shook her head and waved him off. Home. Time to head home, she thought. Time to face the demons from the past.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9 

After dinner, the four of them sat in the gathering room, talking about the fun they had had that day. The twins were curled up next to one another on the sofa and it wasn't long before their eyes began to slowly close. Obi Wan carried them into their room, tucking them safely into bed, as Padme kissed them goodnight. Only Leia had stirred slightly and as they were closing the bedroom door, they heard her sleepy voice whisper, "Goodnight, Daddy. Wherever you are."

With a heavy heart and thoughts of the past weighing on her mind, Padme decided she wasn't ready to be alone yet. Obi Wan seemed genuinely surprised when she asked him to join her for a drink, but gladly accepted. And so they sat, in comfortable silence, sharing a bottle of wine while trying not to think too much. After the first glass, she worked up the courage to speak.

"So much has happened since the twins were born," she began. "When I think back on it, it all just seems like a bad dream. I couldn't believe it when Anakin began drinking. The one and only time I convinced him to have a drink, he acted as if he were dying. And yet, once he started, he managed to get attached to it really quickly. When the two of you were out on missions, did you ever have time to relax and enjoy yourselves? I mean, did jedi go out to bars and socialize back then?"

"We did have some down time. Usually it wasn't much, but once in awhile, we would have a few days on our hands. Of course there were plenty of places of recreation we visited, but he never had any interest in drinking. He liked to be in control of himself. It was surprising when he took it up later, seeing as he never indulged in all that time."

"Did he..." She stopped, unsure of how to ask what she wanted to know.

"It's okay." he encouraged her.

"Did he ever indulge in anything else? "

It was a bold of her to ask, but she needed the answer. He was carefully considering the question and anxiety threatened to overwhelm her as she waited for his response.

" To be truthful, I didn't keep track of him night and day. We were not allowed attachments, but intimacies were okay. I'm not embarrassed to admit, I took advantage of that freedom on a few occasions. Anakin never seemed interested in that kind of entertainment. Even when he became of age, his free time and credits were still spent on spare parts for whatever contraption he was building at the time. After you came back into his life, he did start disappearing more often, especially when we had a few days to kill. I knew he thought about you constantly, but never realized just how serious the situation was. I was kind of relieved when he started going out more. I thought he was growing up and letting go of his fascination with you. Once I did start to suspect a relationship between you two, I never imagined it going much beyond the physical and certainly not a marriage."

He paused to take another drink. "So, while I cannot account for all his free time, I would be willing to bet my life that you were the only one he ever visited with such things in mind. He was completely devoted to you. What would cause you to think otherwise?"

"It's the journals. I'm already hurting enough, I don't want to stumble across anything that might be hard for me to hear. It seems, not reading them isn't an option. But I'm afraid of what I'll find." 

She watched him, trying to gauge his reaction. Was that a good enough explanation?

He ran his hand through his hair a few times, thinking. "There are probably going to be plenty of hurtful things for you to read, but I seriously doubt they are of the nature you are worrying about. If I'm being honest, the two of you did some stupid things and regret is always painful. But I'm sure there are a lot of wonderful things for you to discover. You made him happy. The joy the twins brought him was incredible. Learn from the difficult stuff, take comfort in the happy times. It's what he wanted."

"Just thinking about Ismay stabs at my heart. If I have to read about him and her..."

"Don't you realize what you meant to him? Even after all this time and everything that happened between you two? His loyalties were with you! He went to the edge of darkness for you. And it was because of you he stepped back from it. Twice! Don't you realize?" 

"Twice? What do you mean?"

He let out a sigh and rubbed his temples. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable or bring up things better left forgotten, but... I'm talking about that situation a couple months before Luke and Leia's last birthday. He's always been protective of you, you know that. He pulled strength from the dark side that day because of that. And he stepped back to the light because he knew it would be what you wanted. He wouldn't do that for anyone else. Just you."

She had known he would react badly, but using his knowledge of the darkness? Realizing her hands were shaking remembering what had happened, she put her wine glass down.

"There were rumors. Right after. The quick disappearance caused a stir, but nobody thought they were told the real story. They still ponder it sometimes. I didn't ask Anakin because I was afraid to know. I wanted to believe the official version. What really happened? Did Anakin kill him?"

"Anakin came back that night limping, with a black eye. He told me he started out trying to do things fairly, as you would want him to. He swore he tried but he couldn't get your face out of his head and the darkness took over. And as with Palpatine, he thought of you and stepped away from it. I believe the official story. "

"That's going to be something else that will be hard to relive. If he wrote about it."

"I'm sure he probably did. There has to be some worth in all this, some reason he wanted you to know what he was thinking. Don't be afraid. The sooner you read them, the sooner you can move on. I can't tell you enough how important it was to him, for you to understand him. Please, if you won't do it for yourself, do it for him. I'll be here if you need to talk or a shoulder to cry on. I consider you my family, Padme. I wouldn't ask this of you if I thought it would be destructive. He wouldn't have either. "

She closed her eyes, thinking. Being direct and facing things head on had been her way of life. Now was not the time to change that. If this was Anakin's final wish, she would grant it. Starting tonight.

"Okay, Obi Wan. No more stalling. If you'll excuse me, I have some reading to do."

He stood and embraced her tightly. "It might be hard, but you won't regret it. I truly believe that. If you need anything..."

She kissed him gently on the cheek and headed toward her bedroom. "Good night, Obi Wan. I'd appreciate it if you and the twins would let me sleep in tomorrow. I'll probably be up fairly late tonight." 

------------------------------------------------------ 

How am I going to do this when just looking at his things makes me want to cry?

Spread across the bed, were some of the momentos Anakin had stored in his bag. She handled them with reverence, knowing that each of these things had been special to him in some way. There was a small vial filled with a grainy sand mixture. And a small box, decorated with polished stones. It too, contained sand, although it was of a much softer, finer nature than the other. It seemed odd that he would keep such things, especially after he had made it clear how much he hated the stuff. Knowing him, there had to be an explanation for it. Would she ever find what it was?

Some things were easier to understand. The dried wildflowers from their meadow. Two small locks of wispy baby hair. The gifts he left for the twins as he lay dying, his precious riverstone and his lightsaber.

His lightsaber. It bothered her to see it here, not on his hip where it belonged. How many times had Obi Wan told him it was his life? How many times had Anakin moaned that he was going to get killed when he lost or damaged another one? But this one, he had managed to keep it safe all these years. Picking it up, she examined the heart shaped crystal mounted in the hilt. Her gift to him from so long ago. This weapon was his life. And not just because of the protection it offered, it meant so much more to him than that.  
A single tear escaped her eye as she thought how difficult it must have been for him to give it up. He had to have known there was no chance of surviving his injuries, otherwise he would have held onto it. For dear life.

She looked from the worn, hand written book to the sleek datareader. Deciding it was best to get the worst out of the way, she thumbed through the discs, looking for the one from the time frame of that long weekend. As she put it in the reader and started searching the dates, she offered up a silent prayer for strength, wisdom and the ability to forgive.

_When will it end? Must every homecoming be ruined by the healers? I can deal with the scans and the collection of body fluids, but when they examine the prosthesis... I hate that. I have accustomed myself to the use of this metal monstrosity but it still aches to think about the loss of my arm. They start out being clinical about it, checking for signs of infection or rejection and testing the functionalities but I can see the pity in their eyes, feel the sorrow they have for me because I am not whole. The indignity is almost too much to bear sometimes._

The one thing that gets me through it is the thought that I will soon be able to see her. As soon as this ordeal is over and I have been declared fit and parasite free, I will find her, wherever she may be. But not today. Just as they were finishing up, Master Yoda stopped in to welcome us back and relay a message to me. The Chancellor has requested my presence immediately.

It is good, in that I will have an excuse for being at the Senate. Hopefully I will catch a glimpse of her, maybe even more, if only briefly. I just hope he doesn't have another assignment for me so soon. I need to be with her.

Sometimes I think I am just destined to be a slave, in one form or another, my whole life. 

The speeder touched down and he was already reaching out, looking for her signature in the force. He could feel the disapointment rise as he realized she wasn't there. Hardly anyone was. Was something wrong? The Senate was usually bustling with activity at this time of day. Pushing the fear to the back of his mind, he hurried to the lift. 

Chancellor Palpatine was gazing out on the city when Anakin arrived. He greeted him warmly, no hint of trouble or danger on his face.

"Welcome back, Anakin. I hear you and Master Kenobi were successful on this last outing of yours. Of course, we both know who is mostly to thank for that, don't we? But, I didn't bring you here for that. Are you well? You look exhausted." 

"My medical evaluation was fine. I'm just tired. It was a long, difficult mission this time. I'm looking forward to getting some rest before we have to head out again. Is that why you called for me?"

He noticed the older man studying his black gloved hand. He shifted uncomfortably, trying to pull his arm up further into his robes.

"How is your arm? Does it still pain you greatly?"

He could feel the flush of his cheeks, the shame of his failure being brought up again.

"It's been nearly three years. I'm fine. It's almost as if it never happened. In fact, I can do things that I wasn't able to before. In many ways, my new arm is superior to the real one."

He lifted his chin, hoping his face didn't betray his true feelings. 

"Hmmm...yes. Superior. Be proud of that arm, it is your badge of bravery. Someday when you are done with all this jedi business, you'll want to settle down. I'm sure you'll be able to find someone who won't find it hideous. "

He tried not to flinch at the harsh words. The Chancellor would not try to hurt him on purpose, he was just being honest. Thoughts of Padme's delicate hands in his, passed through his mind. Those were the times it bothered him. In battle, he didn't even notice, the new arm was a part of him. But when he was holding her...

He shook himself, reminding himself of where he was.

"Well, it seems I won't be done with this jedi business for some time. Not unless you have some good news about the end of this war being in sight."

"Actually, my boy, I do have some good news for you. But it isn't the end of the fighting, I'm afraid. There has been quite a bit of tension in the senate, lately. So much so, that I adjourned any further proceedings for a week. I felt it would be good for the senators to have some time away, time to think. And then I thought of you. You work far too hard. It can't be easy, picking up the slack for those around you. But, I guess that is the price one must pay for greatness. Anyway, I got to thinking. If anyone deserves a little time away, it's you, son. That's why I'm sending you out to gather some information for me."

He sighed. Another mission. Not what he had wanted to hear. Hopefully it would not take long.

"Where do you want me to go away to, to gather this information?"

"Wherever you want. As far as the council is concerned, you are going to be handling a matter for me over the next few days. That's all they need to know. You need some rest. I can make that possible. Go somewhere you'll find peace. I know you're fond of Naboo, perhaps you could spend some time there. If you leave right away, you could be there by early afternoon. You just have to be back in five days. It's the best I can do, as the senate will be coming back into session. "

Was he hearing right? He was being sent on vacation? To Naboo, if he wanted? This was too good to be true. Padme was free and he was being given time away, with an alibi.

"I don't know how to thank you, sir."

"No need to. As I said, you deserve it. I just wish it could be longer. And that Senator Amidala could join you. I know how you value her friendship. It's unfortunate that she's so _busy _these days."

He didn't like the sound of that. The way the older man had purred the word "busy" didn't feel right to him.

"Busy? But you said the senators had time off."

Chills ran down his spine when he saw the smile on Palpatine's face. It was almost evil. But that was a silly thought, he was a benevolent man.

"She is off. But she has been making good use of her free time these last few months. I don't want to gossip, but she and Senator Organa have been spending a lot of time together. They have grown close, almost to the point of being inseparable. If she weren't occupied with him, I'm sure she would be happy to show you some more of our beautiful planet. Maybe you should contact her, see if she'd be willing to pull herself away for a few days. Just, don't be disapointed if she won't clear her schedule for you. "

It took all his strength, not to react to what he had just heard. There had to be some misunderstanding. Padme wouldn't do that. She had given him a promise, made vows to be faithful. But Organa...could he be trusted? 

"Isn't Senator Organa married?"

"Yes, but he and his wife have been having their troubles. You know how these things can be. A handsome, successful man with an unhappy wife at home. It would be hard to resist the beautiful woman working by your side, especially when you have so many common goals and spend so much time together. His wife probably doesn't even realize. The spouse is usually the last to know. Listen to me, sounding like such an old gossip monger. I'm sorry, Anakin. I didn't mean to tell tales you would have no interest in. Now go. Enjoy your time off. Just come meet with me on the morning you arrive back."

"Thank you, Chancellor. I will see you soon."

The emotion swelled inside him, as he made his way back to the temple. He didn't know which was stronger, the urge to cry or the urge to strangle Bail Organa. One thing he did know, he would find Padme and tell her to meet him at the Lake House. She wouldn't do anything to hurt him, he told himself. If anything wrong had occurred, it had to be Organa's doing. He would find the truth in all this. That he was sure of. 

_Padme was in her apartment when I called for her. She was happy to hear the good news. I sensed no deceit, no betrayal. She was anxious to go to Naboo with me. We have to take separate transportation so there won't be any suspicion, but in a few short hours, she will be all mine. The Chancellor was confused. He got the facts wrong. And I'm glad. I've always respected Bail. I would hate to have to hurt him. _

Padme threw down the datapad in anger, her eyes blurry with tears. Palpatine had set them up! He had planted the seeds of doubt and then sent them off to grow. His evil was far worse than what she had known. So much was clearer to her now. Anakin's initial agitation, his questions, the anger, it all fell into place now. Why he hadn't been quite himself. Why the fight had gotten out of hand. There had been trust between them. They just didn't know it was being undermined by evil.

After splashing her face with cool water, she picked up the datareader once again. "Please don't believe him, Anakin." she said as she started to read on.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

_I arrived at the house first and was happy to find that the caretaker had already been by and was gone. Padme and I need to be alone. It would have been nice if I could have waited for her ship to dock, but it's best for us to be seen together as little as possible. The afternoon air is turning colder, so I'll get a fire started while waiting for her to arrive. It shouldn't be long before she's in my arms again. Before I can look into her eyes and see that the Chancellor was misinformed. _

Anakin walked around the house, enjoying the feeling of being home. This was his sanctuary. A place where he could be a husband, dream of becoming a father, and appreciate the simple pleasure of hearing the words 'wife' and 'Mrs. Skywalker'. He could wear his wedding ring and do all the other little things normal people took for granted. There were no prophesies here, no expectations. This was a place of love and acceptance. A place he had to be away from, far too much.

Padme was able to visit more often. He wondered if she thought of him when she was here alone. Did her heart ache as much as his did when they were apart? Did she reach out in her sleep, only to find noone there? Was this life fair to her? Always waiting, never knowing when, _or if _, he would return. It had to be hard on her. He could almost forgive her if she had tried to fill the void, tried to find some comfort. He would forgive her. But a man who would be low enough to take advantage of a vulnerable woman...

He shook off the dark thoughts. Padme was his. She was on her way to him, right now. And he would see. It didn't matter what the Chancellor thought he knew. The truth was all that was important.

He turned the lights on in her small office. He could feel her here. The holos on the walls were a mixture of pictures of the two of them over the past three years, along with the rest of her family. There was only one official portrait, one of her with some other senators. It stood out among the more personal photos. It was out of place, he decided, as he made his way over to her desk, sitting in her chair. Did she sit here and gaze at it? Look longingly at one particular face in the crowd?

Again he scolded himself for dwelling on it. There was no truth to it, no matter how convinced Palpatine had been. He closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of the room. It was soothing here. Nothing was going to ruin their time together. Nothing.

He ran his fingers over her datapad and picked up a hairclip she had left behind. Seeing the glass cube that held his padawan braid brought a smile to his face.

"She loves me." he said.

There were documents and papers strewn about. When he straightened them, the notepad she kept for her scribbles appeared. His smile widened when he saw what she had written at the top, in bold script. Mrs. Anakin Skywalker  
Looking down the page, he saw other notes that ran his blood cold. Alderaan. Flowers. Briefing with Palpatine. Ask Bail about weather- clothing to pack? Instruct Sabe- if Anakin calls.

He was telling himself to remain calm when he felt her arrive. Covering the notes back up, he quickly shut the lights off and went to greet her.

She dropped her bags in the doorway and ran to him.

"Anakin! Oh, Anakin, you're safe! You were gone such a long time. Why weren't you able to contact me?"

He held onto her tightly, afraid to let go. 

"I missed you, Padme. The fighting was relentless. Obi Wan was moody. I couldn't get away. I'm sorry."

She pulled back to look at him. "It's okay, I understand. You're here now. And we have five days. It's amazing how this worked out, a miracle. I could almost kiss the Chancellor for making it possible." she laughed but stopped when she saw the look on his face. "What's wrong, Anakin? Something is bothering you."

He looked at her beautiful face, into eyes that were shinning for him and shrugged off the doubt.

"It's nothing, Padme. I just missed you so much. We've been apart for too long."

Her hair felt like silk in his hand. He leaned down to kiss her lips and neck before holding her close to him.

"We're together now. Let's sit by the fire. I have something for you."

She tugged on his hand, leading him to the sofa. He kissed her neck again, while pulling at the hooks on the front of her gown.

"I have something for you, too, Padme." he growled in a suggestive tone.

She grabbed his hands, stopping their progress. "You're a bad boy, Mr. Skywalker," she laughed. "Here," Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out something. "This is for you to hold onto. Something to keep with you to remember my love for you, even when we can't be together."

In her hand, was a small, heart shaped crystal. An Alderaanian crystal. Holding his emotions in check, he picked it up, studying the rainbows it gave off.

"I, uh. I'm not sure what to say. It's beautiful. Where did you get it?"

"Do you like it, Anakin? I know it's an unusual gift for a man, but I thought of you when I saw it."

"You were shopping?" he asked, his voice hopeful.

"No, I found it on Alderaan. The shores of the seas are lined with them after the tides go out. But this one is special. Bail said he's never seen one shaped like a heart, and he's seen thousands of these in his life. I think I was meant to find it. Meant to give it to you. Don't you like it?"

He closed his hand over it and looked at her. Bail. It struck him how easily his wife used another man's first name so casually.

"You visited Alderaan?" He kept his voice light, no hint of the anxiety swirling inside him.

"Yes, about a month ago now. We should go there sometime, you would love it. It's so romantic, walking by the sea at night, the moonlight reflecting off the crystals. Someday we'll do that."

He stood up, no longer trying to hide his suspicion. "You went on a romantic walk with Bail?"

"No, of course not! I was there to visit his wife, Breha. What would make you think that Bail and I..." 

"Because you were talking about him. Why were you there?"

She reached out to touch his face but he turned away. "Anakin, are you jealous? There's no reason..." 

"I'm off fighting a war, trying to make a better world for us and you're out on moonlit walks with another man! That's not reason to be jealous?"

"Stop this!" She grabbed his hand, refusing to let go. "I went to visit Breha. She and Bail are having a hard time right now and she needed a friend."

"Did he need a friend, too?"

She blanched at the sarcasm in his voice.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, he did. I went for their daughter's funeral. The child Breha was carrying died. She went into labor early and nothing could be done to stop it. They had to operate to save her life, or she would have bled to death. The surgery has made it impossible for her to ever have another baby. I went to be of some comfort. They're both heartbroken. "

Relief and guilt swept over him. A reasonable explanation. Palpatine had seen and heard things, jumping to the wrong conclusions. He should have never doubted his Padme. 

"I'm sorry. It's just...I don't know. This is harder than I ever imagined it would be. I hate being away from you for so long. I'm tired, Padme. I didn't mean to question you like that. I'm sorry."

She ran her fingers through his hair and pulled him down so that their foreheads were touching.

"You don't have to be sorry, I understand. It's hard for me, too. You have to know that you're the only one. You always have been and you always will be, Anakin. No matter how far apart we may be or for how long, I'll always be waiting for you to come home to me."

She kissed him lightly, while sliding her hand inside his tunic. He surprised her by stepping back.

"Not yet, my love. Obi Wan and I got in early this morning and it's been a whirlwind since then. I need to clear my thoughts. I want to come to you without weights on my heart or mind. Just a little while?"

"Of course. I'll go see what type of provisions the caretaker left, try and make some dinner. I'll come get you when it's done?"

He nodded. "I'll be out on the veranda. The cool air will help me think." He stopped just before going outside. "Thank you for the gift. I will keep it inside my lightsaber hilt so it's always close to me. Someday, when I'm free, I'll mount it on the outside for the whole world to see. Until then, it will be our secret." 

_It took me awhile to get used to meditating, to being still. Now I'm glad that Obi Wan was so hard on me, forcing me to concentrate. My emotions threaten to overtake me sometimes and meditation is the only thing that saves me. I knew Padme wouldn't be unfaithful, but I still practically accused her of it. I will make up for it. I have a surprise for her when she wakes. It took me most of the night, but I managed to beat the rain and get finished without disturbing her. If I'm quick, I can maybe catch an hour's sleep. I've been up for nearly thirty hours now, but who's counting? It will all be worth it when she sees the bedroom. I want her to know just how much she means to me. And I would give her anything she asks. _

Padme put down the datareader once more, this time to blow her nose and wipe away the tears. Even though he was exhausted, he put in all that work bringing the meadow to her. Obi Wan was right. Anakin's devotion to her knew no bounds.

Despite the bumpy start, those days had been the happiest of her life. For the first time, she felt like they were really married. It didn't seem like a dream anymore, or that they were playing house for a few short hours. Those days solidified their marriage. There had been plenty of physical intimacy, as always, but they had grown closer in mind and spirit as well. It had been perfect up until the last night.

They had spent the day out on the ship, exploring the lake and ending up on their special beach. Anakin didn't seem to mind the sand when they were making love on it. They took a walk through the trees hand in hand, picking flowers and listening to the birds singing along the way. He managed to be funny, charming and sweet, all at the same time. She was fascinated by the things he could do, the way he moved his body when using his jedi powers. Everything he did was amazing. 

After the sun had gone down, the two of them snuggled together on the back of the ship, watching the stars come out. They were becoming aware of how quickly their time together was running out. Chancellor Palpatine had requested to see both of them the next morning. She was going back to the mess that was the Senate and he was probably going to be sent out on another mission. It was a bittersweet time. He pointed out different planets he had been to. He told her about being tired of traveling, wanting to be able to stay home with her. They shared wishes and dreams, making promises that would turn out impossible to keep. When the air turned too chilly, they headed back to the house. Within hours, all the beautiful memories they had made together were forgotten.

_Padme and I had a horrible fight last night. I still can't believe it. My heart hurts. And so does my head. She gave me some awful drink, telling me it would help me sleep. I'm never doing that again. It was like the past few days never happened. Like we were two different people. Maybe it was the strain of knowing we had to return today. We had grown so close. Now I feel like we are farther apart than ever. I'm supposed to be in the Chancellor's office in five minutes. She will be there. I want this all to be over. I want to go back to the way things were. If only I could take back last night..._

Silence settled in between us after I secured the ship and helped her onto the dock. Both of us were lost in thought, dreading the morning. We showered together, studying one another, trying desparately to memorize every detail. It would probably be a long time before we would have a private moment like this again. I wanted to pour my heart out to her, beg her to throw everything away. Let us both run from the rest of the world. But I knew that was just a dream. A wonderful, impossible dream.

We went to our bedroom. The flowers were starting to wilt and die, adding to the somber mood. I lit a fire and watched her in the mirror, drying her hair. She was so beautiful. Thoughts of Bail Organa's wife popped into my head. His unfortunate, damaged wife. The loss he was feeling must be incredible. Maybe he would look for solace in Padme when she returned and I would not be there to stop him. Jealousy started to rise in me again, but I quickly squashed it. Our last night would not be ruined with thoughts of him. Padme loved me.

She caught me looking at her and gave me one of her smiles that makes my stomach drop. I carried her to the bed, waving my hand to dim the lights. We made love slowly, that last time. I wanted to remember everything, the feel of her skin, the taste of her lips, the need in her eyes. We spoke softly to one another. I wanted her to know how much she meant to me, how much what we were doing meant to me. It was so much more than just a physical act. As we finished, I could feel the tears building in my eyes, not in sadness, but in joy. I was whole with her. Nothing could come between us, ever. That's what I was thinking as I started to drift off, holding her close to me. We were going to have a beautiful life... 

Afterward, he lay on his side, snuggled in close to her. He let his hand slowly trail it's way down her body, coming to rest on her stomach. She could feel him relaxing, reaching toward sleep as his gentle breath on her check became slow and rythmic. She felt complete. Loved and complete. With a sigh, she closed her eyes and began to let go of all thought. Through the haze of sleep, she could feel him stroking her middle. He moaned softly and gave her ear a light kiss before whispering the words that startled her back to consciousness.

"Mmmm... I want you to be pregnant, Padme."

She looked at his face, so youthful in the peace of sleep. Was he even aware of what he said? His touch continued pressing gently on her. A wave of panic washed over her and she pushed him away, sitting up abruptly. 

"Anakin, stop!"

He sat up with a start, confused and shaken. "What's wrong?" He searched her face carefully as his eyes began to focus.

"Do you know what you just said?"

He was shocked by the horror in her voice. Rubbing his forehead with one hand, he worked to clear the cobwebs of sleep from his mind.

"I was thinking about the future. Picturing you all round and beautiful with my baby inside you. What's the matter?"

"You shouldn't say such things! Don't touch me like that. You shouldn't be tempting the force in such ways."

"Tempting the force? Padme, what are you talking about? I was only dreaming of the future. Wishing it could be now. Why are you so mad at me?"

He shifted himself up into a more comfortable position with his back leaning against the pillows on the headboard, watching as she pulled her nightgown down over her head.

"We can't have a baby! You shouldn't be touching me in that way. I can't get pregnant now." 

He started laughing but quickly stopped when he saw there was no amusement in her face. Still trying to lighten the mood, he held up his hands in front of her and said,  
"If I'm going to get you pregnant, believe me, it won't be with one of these." 

Instead of diffusing the situation, it only made it worse. Her eyes narrowed as she crossed her arms tightly around herself, taking a defensive stance.

"You can move things with a blink of your eye. A mere thought of yours wields more power than can be imagined. Just you touching me there, speaking those words aloud..." her thoughts trailed off as her eyes widened as though she were seeing something unspeakable.

He reached out to her but she pulled away in anger. "Don't!" she hissed 

Anakin was overcome with disbelief and hurt. A touch of anger began to rise in him. Reaching into his soul he tried to find the control he had worked so many years to master. He swung his legs off the side of the bed and pulled his pants on as he stood up. After pacing around the room for a few minutes, bringing himself fully awake and releasing the threatening emotions inside him, he made his way over to Padme's side of the bed. A flick of his wrist brought a chair close by and he sat on the edge.

She watched him lean forward, elbows resting on his knees. He smiled at her then. Almost shyly.

"Padme, it doesn't work like that. I couldn't do that even if I wanted to," he was looking at her intently now. "Why does the thought of having my baby upset you so? Don't you want children?"

She considered the question carefully. "I did. I don't know anymore. And definately not now."

A crease formed on his brow. "You don't know? Ever? I mean, I know now is a bad time but in the future... The war will be over soon. We're close to ending this. The first thing I plan to do is resign from the order. Come home to you. Begin our life out of the shadows. No more hiding. Start our family. A baby. Our baby. Soon, Padme. You don't want that?"

She could hear the pain in his voice. It hurt her to see him like this but she had to be honest about her feelings.

"I really don't know. Maybe someday in the future. The end of the war won't change things that drastically. I'll be busier than ever in the Senate. There will be so much rebuilding to do. There's no time for a baby. You can't leave the order. They'll need you even more then. You knew when we married that our life together could never be normal. You knew that!" the words came spilling out in a jumble.

He blinked several times, taking in her words.

"I can leave the order and I'm going to. I've seen three years of war, three years of atrocities that can never be wiped from my mind. I just want a normal life with you. Peace. It can be that way. But only if you want it."

" I've worked my whole life for the better of my people. It's all I know. Being a jedi is all you know. How can we both just walk away from that? How can we let ourselves be disgraced like that? What will they all say when they realize what we've done? The lies, the deceit? We'll be reduced to nothing in their eyes. You want to bring a baby into the middle of all that?"

"Our love is not a lie. Yes, there will be disappointment in us. But we followed our hearts. We have stuck by our commitments even though we've been married for three years. That should be in our favor when they finally find out."

"Stop it! I can't. I don't want the world to know."

He flinched as though he had been slapped across the face. "You're ashamed of us. Of me. Did you ever have any intention of letting our secret out?"

"I told you if you followed it through to conclusion, that it would destroy us! I love you. But we're not allowed to love. I'm not ashamed of you. I'm ashamed of what we've done. What we've become. We're liars. We've been lying to everyone around us- those who trust us and put faith in us. We made this decision. We have to stick to it. We have to continue to live the lie. Don't you understand that?" 

He lowered his head into his hands and stared down at the floor.

"If you intend for the charade to go on forever..." he paused, thinking. "You never mentioned any of this to me before. Everytime I get leave, I come to you. How many times over these years? This time. Five days have already passed. If you were ever afraid of my getting you pregnant, why didn't you voice your concerns before this?"

She shook her head, unsure of where his questions were leading. There was little emotion in his voice. He seemed detached.

"If we must live this lie, there can never be a child between us. How would you handle that disgrace? You couldn't hide a pregnancy forever. The baby would eventually be born. It would be better for your people to see you with a fatherless child than a jedi husband who broke the code?" 

"That's why I got upset thinking you could use the force, even by accident to... It won't happen, Ani. I take all the proper precautions. It can't happen."

He laughed then. But it had a bitter sound to it.

"Nothing is fool-proof, Padme. Surely you know that. We have been very lucky. But the time could come when our luck runs out. What would you do? Even now. What if your precious shields go down, Padme? What if my men are approaching the palace right now, even as we speak? We take a risk everytime! In the back of my mind, I know this. And there's a part of me that wouldn't care. A part that would be relieved to let the truth out. The part of me that wants to acknowledge our love publicly. Why do you think I agreed when you insisted on being the one to handle the precautions? I want to be a father. But I want it to be right. And I wanted you to be right with it, when it happens. I would never force my will on you. If I had been in charge of things, I might have been careless. Not on purpose, of course. But maybe I wouldn't have been as careful as you. What if the unspeakable does happen? Will you run from me? Do I get to be "Uncle Anakin"? Is that your plan? If you follow any of _those _thoughts to conclusion, you'll see that I would never agree to any of that."

She could see the tension in his body. His jaw was set and his shoulders were rigid. His whole body was trembling slightly. She reached out for the clenched fist of his real hand, smoothing it out in her own. 

"I'm sorry, Anakin. I'm just scared. Who knows what the future holds? Someday, we will have a baby. But it will probably be a long time off. The truth will have to come out eventually. I know this. Let's just forget it. Go back to the way it's been, the way it has to be for now. Let's enjoy our precious little time together. I love you. We have to live in the now. Who knows what the future holds?"

"I do," he stated matter of factly. She looked at him expectantly.

"A beautiful baby girl. Brown eyes so deep you could get lost in them. Daddy's princess." he smiled, his eyes seeing something her's could not. "And a little boy with my hair and your smile."

He thought a moment and then turned his focus on her. "But the future is always in motion, Padme. The decisions we make today, can alter the reality of tomorrow. You never answered my question. What happens if the force blesses us with a child before you think it's time? " 

She pulled away from him then, sitting back on the bed and hugging her knees to her chest. "I cannot answer that. It depends when. And where you are. What's going on in the galaxy. " 

"What if all is the same as right now. What if you found out tomorrow? Right before I was about to leave? Would you tell me?" 

"What would you do, Anakin?"

"I've thought about it a lot, actually. So many nights spent away from you. Sleeping on some cold, hard ground, listening to Obi Wan snore." he smiled at her. A genuinely happy smile.

"I'd be terrified at first, then it would be the happiest day of my life. Obi Wan would be in for some dark confessions and there would be consequences. But I wouldn't care. It would work out. What about you? Truthfully."

A single tear ran down her check and she whispered, "I really don't know".

He felt her indecision and fear. He opened his arms in a welcoming gesture and she climbed onto his lap and rested her head on his shoulder. He wanted to make it all right. Make her see the future as he did. Curling his fingers in her hair, he searched for the right words to make it better between them. Using the force to find his center, he tuned into her feelings. Her words came into his head as clearly as if she had spoken them aloud.

_"A mistake can be corrected." _

The hair on his arms went up and his throat went dry. He forgot to breathe as he waited, hopeful her next thoughts would clear up the pain in his chest. The truth radiated from her, turning a cold knife in his heart. He stood and placed her on the bed, afraid of where his own thoughts were leading him to. 

She saw the agony on his face as he stormed for the doorway. She was about to call his name when he stopped abruptly.

"By corrected...you mean erased. Don't you?"

Chills ran up her spine as she realized how angry he was and how hard he was struggling to keep control. "No," she said weakly.

He whirled around and stomped back to the bed. Through clenched teeth he asked, "Have you ever _corrected _one of our mistakes, Padme?"

Tears were streaming down his face. She could see his pulse at his temples. A dark metal finger pointed at her accusingly.  
She shook her head forcefully, fear shining in her eyes. "Never! Never Anakin. It was just a thought. A passing thought. I could never..."

"You better never!" he screamed. "A mistake? How could you even use that word? " 

"I didn't mean it that way...I didn't. Anakin, please. You're scaring me."

He looked down at his hand that had become a menacing fist. He dropped it to his side. His breathing slowed and his anger lessened.

"I'm sorry. I could never hurt you. Just...don't you EVER do that. Ever. I would know. I would find out. And I would never forgive you for that. Never." 

"Never Anakin. I'm sorry."

He sat on his side of the bed facing away from her. An uncomfortable silence settled between them. She watched as he fidgeted nervously, running his hands through his hair and looking around the room.

_It felt like everything came crashing down on me at that moment. She was ashamed of me! Of us! The past five days had been a lie. The thought of having my child practically made her sick with fear and revulsion. The fact that she could have even a passing thought about destroying something so precious terrified and angered me. Unwanted visions came into my head. Cadia's beautiful face. The picture of Bail Organa standing next to my wife. His baby girl, cold and lifeless in the ground. Reen, the lying dog I was too young to kill. Something snapped and I couldn't hold it in any longer. In a rage, I grabbed up all the flowers, throwing them into the fire. I told her how spoiled she was, that her life of privilege had blinded her. She had options that others would have given their life for! The sound of the last glass container shattering broke through my tantrum. Padme was curled up on the bed, fear etched on her face. Regret washed over me and I sank to my knees, begging her forgiveness for my outburst. I was scared and angry, but I would never hurt her. Could never hurt her. _

"I'm sorry, Padme! You just don't understand. I can take care of you! You wouldn't have to face it alone. Who cares what the world thinks? We could walk away from all of this. Even if it meant giving up everything. There isn't a ship I can't pilot or a droid I can't fix. I'm used to hard work. You might not have fancy gowns and things like you do now, but you would never go without. I would be by your side the whole time. "

She walked over to him, cautiously kneeling down with him. "I'm sorry, too. It was just a thought. I promise you, on my life, that I would never do anything like that. I promise. "

They held each other for awhile, crying together. The clock in the hall started chiming, announcing the late hour.

"Padme, promise me you'll think of me. Don't let anyone come between us. Men can be like rutting dogs when they want something, just remember that." 

She didn't understand what he was talking about.  
"Anakin, it's late and we're both upset. Let's sleep on it and we can talk in the morning before leaving. Things will seem much clearer then." 

He pulled away from her and began pacing again. "I don't think I can sleep. There is so much I wish I could explain to you." 

"Hold on, I know just the thing." She left the room, returning a few minutes later with two glasses of amber liquid. Handing one to him, she said, "Drink this. Straight down, don't hesitate."

He frowned. "You know I hate this stuff. It smells like Bantha waste."

"Just drink it. It will make you feel better, help you sleep. Everything will be better in the morning. We both just need to calm down now."

He watched as she lifted the glass to her lips and drained it. "I guess if you can do it, so can I."

He started choking as soon as it hit his throat. "It burns!" She patted him on the back as he tried to control the coughing. "Are you trying to kill me?" he moaned.

"It's not that bad. You just aren't used to it."

He grabbed onto her arm. "The room is spinning. Is that normal? I think I might throw up." 

"Shh... Quiet down. Here, " she led him to the bed. "I guess it wasn't wise, giving that to you on an empty stomach. Lay down and take some slow breaths. You should fall asleep soon." 

He pulled the blankets down and climbed under them. "Don't hate me, Padme."

"I won't."

He was starting to relax, closing his eyes as she rubbed his head.

"I don't want you to think of me as a failure. I tried. It just wasn't good enough."

He was talking nonsense from the liquor, she figured.

"I know." She talked softly, trying to soothe him.

"Don't trust him. Men lie to get what they want."

"Okay, I won't."

His breathing slowed and all tension left his body. She ruffled his hair and kissed him gently on the cheek. " I love you, Anakin," she whispered.

He smiled and moaned softly. "Hmm...Goodnight. I love you, Kayna."


	11. Chapter 11

**Thanks to everyone for all the feedback- I do appreciate it! **

**To clear up the confusion about the journals/flashbacks- When it starts out in italics, that is the actual words in the journal that Padme is reading. When it switches to regular font/third person, it is still a continuation of the journal entry and Anakin's side of the story, only done in "regular time" The flashback with Palpatine was actually from the journal, only told in a different format. You can usually tell when it switches back to the present and Padme's point of view because it will mention her reaction to what just happened- what she just read. **

**There are a lot more journal entries, so hopefully it will become easier to see how the point of view changes. **

**For those worried about all the women in Anakin's life, it's about to get worse. Hang in there though, there's usually a reasonable explanation for everything.**

**And I like dogs, so in my mind they do exist in the GFFA ; )**

Chapter 11

_When I woke up this morning, my head felt like it was about to explode and Padme was storming around, making way too much noise. I took a long shower, thinking about how out of hand things had gotten last night. I was still feeling hurt over her rejection, but on top of that, was a deep sorrow for the way I acted. I thought about trying to explain everything to her, explain why I felt so strongly, reacted so badly. But time ran short and the words wouldn't come. It's hard to expose your pain. She already knew about my failure with my mother. What would she think if I had tried to explain about Cadia? _

Anakin stood in the kitchen doorway, watching as she slammed one cabinet after another. He came up behind her, putting his arms on her shoulders. She stopped her searching, but did not turn around to face him.

" You have every right to be mad at me, but please stop. We're about to be separated again, probably for an extended period of time. Let's not be apart in our hearts and  
minds, too. Please. I'm sorry. I know I can't say it enough. It was wrong of me to lose my temper. I just..."

She shrugged his hands off of her, turning slowly to face him while stepping sideways, putting some distance between them. She raised her eyes to meet his, crossing her arms in front of her in a defensive stance.

"And what, exactly, are you apologizing for?"

He didn't like the way she clenched her teeth or the antagonizing tone she used.

"I apologize for losing my temper, for destroying the flowers and breaking the vases. I regret raising my hand to you, screaming and calling you spoiled," he paused, taking a deep breath, trying to dispel the anger that was threatening to rise again. "But, I will not apologize for the way I feel. I'm getting to the point of not caring who knows about us, consequences be damned. I want to have a life with you. I want a child. If the Force blesses us, I will not accept you doing such a horrid thing. You are not some whore in a flesh house without any other option. You are an intelligent, healthy woman with a husband who will stand by you. A husband who would sacrifice everything for you and his child. Nothing will change my position on that matter. Nothing."

They stood staring at one another for several minutes. Remorse began to get the better of him. He reached out and pulled her to him, bringing his lips down on hers, too quickly for her to protest. She put her hands against his chest for a brief moment, before letting go and returning his kiss. When it was over, he opened his eyes and saw a single tear making it's way down her cheek.

" Is that all, Anakin? Is there anything else you want to tell me about?"

He could sense fear, confusion and doubt from her.

" I'm sorry, Padme. That's all I can say. There is no possible way for me to control whether you get pregnant by using the force. If that is what you are questioning, then don't. I would never lie to you. I promise."

She nodded her head, contemplating his words.

" If you say you cannot use the force that way, then I will accept that. And I promise you, when we create a child together, you will be a father. I would not take that away from you. I'm sorry I was so selfish."

They held onto one another, both of them lost in their own anguish, both of them wanting to say so much more, but unable to. When the time for their departure came, they cloaked themselves in the facade of formality.

"I most appreciate you taking the time out of your busy schedule to show me more of your beautiful planet, Senator Amidala." he smiled sadly at her.

"I was honored to be able to, you are welcome anytime. Be safe in your travels, Master Skywalker."

And with that, they headed out to their separate lives.

_It was worse than I thought! When I got to the office, Bail Organa was there. It shocked me at first, I couldn't help but wonder why the Chancellor had called him to our meeting. He was friendly, as always, but I did not feel the same warmth toward him as before. He was hurting still, I could sense it in him and it made me wary. When Padme arrived, I had to fight to control the tension in myself. Unfortunately, I failed. Padme got angry with me and once again, I found myself apologizing for my inappropriate behavior. _

Padme stopped just inside the entrance to the office, surprised to see Anakin and Bail sitting next to one another. Palpatine sat at his desk, speaking quietly, seemingly unaware of the discomfort the two men in front of him were feeling. She was cursing silently to herself for being thrown into this awkward situation when they noticed her standing there.

"Ah, Padme, come in and join us. None of you mind if I address you by your first names, do you? There is no point in standing on ceremony here, I know that you are all on familiar terms." Without waiting for a reply, he continued. "That is why I brought the three of you here today. I have a special project, one that will help with the war effort. Anakin, you have already been doing your part, without even realizing it. "

" I don't know what you mean, sir. What have I been doing?"

The older man reached across his desk, accessing a control panel. A view screen appeared in front of them.

"You probably have not seen these, seeing as you are usually out in the middle of nowhere when they air. Take a look at them, see what you think."

They watched as clips from the holonet news flashed on the screen. Each of them featured Anakin, sometimes with Obi Wan next to him, being interviewed on the progress they were making. Usually there were crowds of people surrounding them, taking great interest in the two jedi and what they were saying. Padme never took much notice of them, her eyes were always glued to one face.  
She watched each clip carefully, watched as Anakin ran his fingers through his hair and crossed his arms over his chest. It had been their secret signal all these years. He touched his head in some way to let her know she was on his mind, crossing his arms, a symbol of his wish to be holding her against him. It always seemed quite natural, never planned or forced. But watching all the clips in quick succession, she wondered if Bail or the Chancellor had picked up on his quirky actions. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. His face was the picture of jedi calm, if he was feeling any apprehension, he showed no outward sign of it.

" As you can see, Anakin has traveled all over this galaxy, trying to secure other worlds and quiet the unrest. The viewing public loves him! They tune in eagerly, hoping to catch a glimpse of you and what planet you have helped in these crazy times. Your popularity has been a wonderful boost to the Republic. You represent goodness in their eyes. They want to be on your team, you make them feel safe. Polls show support for our side increases everytime 'The Hero With No Fear' appears on the news. You have become our poster boy for this war."

Anakin looked uncomfortable. "Those are just interviews, they were never meant to be used as propaganda. I'm not trying to glorify this war! I don't even like..."

"Anakin, be proud! You didn't set out for it to be this way, it just happened. And if it helps create peace, you should be happy. Look at those clips, look how confident you look. Look at all the women hanging on your every word, trying just to touch you. I'll bet you've enjoyed your share of fringe benefits with some of them once the cameras stop rolling. Think of the positive effect you are having as just another fringe benefit."

The corners of Palpatine's mouth curled into that smile that sent shivers up Anakin's spine. Anakin turned to look at Padme, saw the distress on her face at what had been implied.

"Sir, jedi don't have time for any..." he paused, swallowing hard and glancing at his wife before continuing. "...fringe benefits. We don't do that."

Palpatine looked towards Padme. "Oh, I understand Anakin, how foolish of me. Padme, please accept my apology. It isn't right for men to speak of such things with a lady present. I don't know what got into me. "

She smiled weakly, acting indifferent about the situation. " No need to apologize, Chancellor. It is none of my business what jedi do on their own time."

"Well, thank you for being so gracious about my indiscretion. I assure you, it won't happen again. Now, back to why we are here. Seeing how Anakin's news footage has had such a positive impact on gaining public support, it was decided that more spots should be put on to instill confidence. As you may know, faith in the Senate is waning, people are frustrated the war has been going on so long. What Anakin has done for the jedi and our clone armies, Padme and Bail, you will do for the Senate. The two of you are to be the 'poster couple', if you will. The two of you will be working closely over the coming months, making public service announcements, doing little candid moments in your offices, showing how hard the Senate is at work for it's people. Both of you are attractive and you give off a spark when you are together. It will make for great press. When the public sees the chemistry between you two, and sees how hard you are working in their interests, the polls will go through the roof! It's a win win situation for everyone."

He sat back in his chair, resting his folded hands on his stomach, a pleased look on his face.

Padme looked at the men sitting beside her. Bail looked unsure. Anakin was angry. And he wasn't trying very hard to hide it either.

"With all due respect, Chancellor, " he began, " Padme has been a target in the past. Many assassination attempts have been made against her. As the jedi who is usually assigned to protect her, I cannot agree to this new project. Having her face out there, it may stir things up. It may provoke those who would want to hurt her. I believe it is best for her to lay low. Especially while I cannot be here to see to her safety."

"Anakin does have a point, Chancellor. We don't need anyone with bad intentions seeing how we work. They don't need to know our whereabouts or see into our private offices. Putting Padme on display may be a mistake. We don't want to endanger her."

Anakin looked at Bail, feeling annoyed even though the man was in agreement with him. _He_ would decide what was best for his wife, not Bail Organa.

"Both of you are worrying needlessly. Nothing bad should come of this. Bail, you are strong. I'm sure you would be able to protect Padme during Anakin's absence."

Anakin stood, his hands clenched in fists. "No." his voice was firm, giving only a hint of the anger that he was suppressing. " Again, with all due respect, Bail is not a jedi. He isn't capable of protecting her from the type of enemies she may have. That is my job. I have experience in this area, I know firsthand what she could be dealing with. I will not see her hurt." He turned slowly, staring Bail in the eye. " If anyone so much as touches a hair on her head, they will answer to me. Noone else. And I will make them sorry they were ever born."

Padme was angry. He could feel it coming from her in waves. Realizing the threatening look and warning he had given Bail, he worked quickly to cover.

"That is the level of commitment I feel about my responsibility to protect her. Do you understand, Bail? Why I wouldn't trust anyone else for the job? It is nothing personal."

Bail gave him an uneasy smile. "I understand, Anakin. Your sense of duty is to be commended."

"Excuse me," Padme spoke. "If I may interrupt, seeing as it is my life you are all discussing as though I weren't even here. I do not like the idea of making news spots with this agenda in mind. I will not use the media to force someone to agree with our side. They must come to that conclusion on their own, after reviewing the facts for themselves. That is what democracy is about. If these news spots were to be fair and honest about the work we are doing, it might not be a bad idea. But many different senators should be profiled, not just the two of us. And as for Master Skywalker, " she turned to him, the icy tone in her voice unmistakable, "I am a big girl now, quite capable of taking care of myself. I have security at my disposal. And I will decide what is in my best interest. Now, if you have nothing further, Chancellor, I have work to attend to."

Palpatine was frowning. "Well, that's that, I suppose. If none of you are comfortable with the plan, it's back to the drawing board. I'm sure we can find a happy compromise. Give me time to think on it. Now, the two of you are free to go. And Anakin, you need to return to the temple for your next assignment. I'm afraid it's going to be long and arduous."

Anakin watched as his wife followed Bail from the room, the familiar twinge of jealousy poking at him again.

"Where am I being sent this time?" His voice was tired but he held his head high, refusing to show weakness.

"You and Master Kenobi are being sent to the Outer Rim. You could be there for the duration of this war, it looks like. You must prepare yourself for the hardships. And for the changes that will have taken place when you return."

"Changes? What type of changes?"

"You may be away so long, people who have been in your life may have moved on by the time you return. Danger is growing every day. Innocent lives will be lost. Those spared may leave this place, looking for somewhere safe. Things change quickly in a time of war. Be safe, Anakin. It would be a terrible tragedy for the greatest of all jedi to be taken from us."

He smiled kindly, embracing Anakin lightly. " Take care, son. And may the force be with you."

_I could feel her anger with me even before I stepped out of the office. She was waiting for me, hiding in the shadows, her face looking pinched and mean, something I could have never imagined. As I opened my mouth to tell her I was sorry, she reached out and slapped me, hard across the face. It took me a few minutes to regain my senses. My Padme had never acted in such a way. I was standing there, holding my aching jaw, tasting blood in my mouth as she just stared at me, seething. I know I shouldn't have said so much, but for her to hit me? I just couldn't believe it. _

"How could you Anakin? All that talk about men being like rutting dogs and you are no better! Why didn't you just pee on my leg in there? It would have been just as effective. Both Bail and Palpatine have to know you were marking me as your property. " she spoke harshly, through clenched teeth once again.

"I'm sorry! I just couldn't let things be like that. I know I was wrong to be jealous, but it hurts! It hurts thinking of my wife spending time with another man while I can't be here. I trust you, Padme. I just don't trust him."

"And where did you learn mistrust from, Anakin? Is it your own guilty conscience making you mistrust?"

He stopped, looking at her intently, thinking about his guilt and his failures. He wanted to tell her, pour out his heart and soul, relieve himself of his burdens...but he couldn't. He couldn't face being away from her, knowing she hated him. Seeing the disapointment on her face when he confessed to her that he was not the man she thought he was. He was not strong and brave and noble. Inside, he was just that weak, scared little boy. He failed everyone he loved. And when she found out, she would turn away from him.

"Padme, I'm sorry for whatever I've done to hurt you. Please, let's not end it this way. I'm being sent to the Outer Rim. I may not get to come back until the war is over. Please, I'm scared of losing you. Don't abandon me now! I love you. I need to know you'll be here when I return!"

Slowly, her face softened and she reached up to gently caress his check.

"I didn't mean to hit you. I'm sorry. Violence is never an answer, I know that. It will never happen again. I love you, Anakin. I just need you to be honest with me. Don't lie to me."

"Never, Padme. Say you'll wait for me. Please."

"Of course I'll wait. I love you."

"I love you, too. I have to go. Obi Wan is probably wondering what's keeping me so long. Are we okay?"

She fell into his arms, crying. "We're okay, Anakin. We're okay."

_I didn't want to let go of her. It took all my strength to pry myself out of her arms. I had irrational thoughts of confessing to Obi Wan, dreaming of being thrown out of the order so I wouldn't have to leave her. But I would not be a coward. I have been reminded more times than I can count of my commitment. How I am supposed to bring balance. My life is not my own. I need to be grateful just for the little bits of time I get with her. I kissed her forehead as I reminded myself of all that. And then she was pulling away, her fingers slowly slipping through mine. I watched her walk down the corridor, saw as Bail came out of one of the doors to the side and stopped, talking with her. It was in that moment, I was assaulted with the worst vision of my life. It came from nowhere and knocked me sideways, harder than Padme did. I ran to the fresher and emptied my stomach. It took awhile for my shaking to subside. My head was throbbing, my throat raw, but I finally managed to stand and make my way back to the temple. Obi Wan didn't mention my lateness, but he did raise an eyebrow, seeing the mess I had made of my tunic. I quickly changed, threw a few things into my bag and was ready to leave. After a short briefing, we set out on our journey. _

Now here I am, sitting in this cramped cabin, trying to figure out just what happened in the last twenty four hours. The fight was awful, but I thought we were on our way to making ammends when we went to bed. This morning, Padme was angry all over again. And I reacted to it. Then seeing Bail, thinking about him being close to her, I behaved badly. But for her to hit me? Something must have been wrong, something I wasn't seeing. She would never do a thing like that. It all happened so fast, I didn't get to ask her what needed to be asked. I was just desparate to hear things were okay between us. If only there had been more time.

And that vision, I still feel sick when I picture it. My baby girl, the one in my dreams with Padme's eyes, seeing her in Bail Organa's arms was too much. It is a vision I will not let come true. Padme will have my child. And he will never get his hands on her.

I feel like I'm being assaulted by an unseen force. Having a vision like that, feeling jealousy like never before, bad feelings from the past surfacing, shedding light on my inadequacy. Why now? Why, when we are coming to such a crucial point in this stupid war, am I feeling conflicted, being reminded of the past?

I wish now, that I had told her everything about me. That I could share my greatest heartache with her. She loves me, why am I afraid of telling her the truth? Will I ever be free from the shame I feel? Will I ever be able to get over feeling responsible for those bad things?

I wanted to tell Padme about everything. But I couldn't bring myself to. I'm afraid to pour my heart out to her, even if it could help her understand me. How would she feel? I don't think I could live if she rejected me. What would she think if I told her of all the nights Obi Wan and I spent at the flesh houses? About Jade and the hopelessness in her eyes that still haunts me. How tiny her body felt, pressed against mine. And most of all, Cadia. She has been on my mind almost constantly, lately. I miss her so much.

I thought once I stopped going to Corellia, it would get better. No matter how beautiful the landscape, it's still just a planet of lying, cheating men, smugglers, scoundrels and pirates, the whole lot of them. I thought by giving up the search, admitting my failure, I could move on. It just made things worse.

I never realized how hard it would be, I thought I would know him, be able to find him easily. Not because he would have her pale hair and eyes, but because he would have her gentle spirit. I didn't expect it to be so difficult, but admitting defeat never is, I suppose.

He is forever lost to me, that sweet baby boy that liked falling asleep on my chest while his mother sang to him. I failed him. He will grow up to be just like the rest of them. Corellian scum. And it is all my fault. I'm sorry, Cadia. So very sorry.


	12. Chapter 12

**As was mentioned, some authors reply to each of their reviewers. I apologize that I've been unable to give individual replies- time is very limited right now. I hope in the (near) future to be able to but please know that your comments are being read and are very much appreciated. Given the choice between replies or the next chapter, I figure most of you would prefer the chapter. Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

Chapter 12

She noticed the humming in her ear first, followed by the dull ache in her shoulder. Blinking several times in an effort to fully wake up, she tried focusing on the clock by the bed. It was much too early, the sun wouldn't begin it's ascent for another hour yet. A quick look at the window confirmed this and she slowly closed her eyes, hoping for sleep to take her again.

She shifted slightly, easing the pain, but the humming continued it's assault on her ears. Reaching out blindly in search of the offending object, her hand came into contact with the datareader. Fighting the urge to throw it across the room, she turned it off, put it aside and covered her head with the pillow. Maybe she would just stay in bed for the rest of the day. Or the rest of the week. Or maybe a month, year, or the rest of her life. Whatever it would take until she forgot about all that she had read.

His words were supposed to help, not make it a thousand times worse. The only thing of value she had gained from reading, was a better understanding of why he had been so suspicious of Bail. That slimy sith had helped that along. But Palpatine could not be blamed for him saying another woman's name or for all of the confessions he made to his journal. Reliving the night of their fight had been hard enough, but him admitting he had been to flesh houses and probably had a son with another woman, that was too much for her to bear.

It was late when she got to those last few paragraphs about Anakin's women and her initial reaction had been one of heartbreak. Unable to read anymore, she had cried herself to sleep. Now, with a new day starting, the sadness was slowly being replaced with anger. He had told her that night, not to trust men because they lie to get what they want. Obviously he was speaking from experience.

Over the last two weeks, she had been feeling terrible for how she had treated him over the years. So much so, that she was going to beg his forgiveness and had considered asking him if they could try again. He was a much different person than he had been and the years had softened her when it came to what had made her angry in the first place. Yes, he did say another woman's name. But there had been no other evidence of him cheating. Whoever Kayna was, she was no longer an issue- Anakin Skywalker had become a complete family man once the twins were born. No matter what was going on in his life, they had always come first. He usually worked at the Jedi Temple, choosing to teach the upcoming generation of jedi over going away on missions. When a trip couldn't be avoided, he called to check in on his babies every day, sometimes several times.

After over five years of fighting and discord, she was ready to let go of it all. Until Obi Wan showed up, bringing the news of Anakin's death. And his damn journals. Obi Wan. Feelings of resentment began to take ahold of her heart once again. How dare he show up playing the part of the concerned uncle, knowing all the while that Anakin's words would destroy her.

Tossing the pillow aside, she headed to the fresher with a new determination burning within her. After showering to scrub away the tears caused by Anakin's actions, she would confront Obi Wan. He would give her the answers she needed, and then she would send him on his way. She and the twins would be fine without his help. And when they were old enough, they could read for themselves and see the type of man their father was. And for once, they would side with her instead of him.

-------------------------------------------------------

Padme emerged from the fresher to find the sun in the process of rising. Although her eyes took in the beauty of it, the bitterness in her soul prevented her from truly seeing it. Her mind was on one thing, and one thing only. Vengeance. The unfortunate thing was, Obi Wan would take the full brunt of what her husband should be here to share in. She was sorry Anakin was dead... but only because she wanted to strangle him herself. He knew what he had done and he had taken special care to carefully document his misdeeds. His final wish was for her to read the journals. And his faithful master was more than happy to bring them to her. This was their way of getting back at her. Anakin's revenge for everything she had done to him. He knew what reading them would do to her! And Obi Wan, was he hanging around waiting for her reaction? Waiting to see her pain fully blossom so that he would know his mission was finally complete? It was a sick, twisted game they were playing and...

She abruptly stopped in front of her vanity, slowly sinking down onto the chair while looking in the mirror. The reflection revealed an ugly woman, one filled with rage and hatred. Her face was pink and pinched looking, her eyes hard and narrow. This was the face that Anakin had looked on for so many years. A face he still managed to smile at and caress gently, his eyes making a silent plea for her to love him again. How could a man who loved her enough to see past this hideous face, be capable of doing all the terrible things she imagined he did? Thinking about it, he never admitted to _exactly_ what she imagined, not directly anyway. What he _did_ say, could lead to certain logical assumptions, though. It was impossible to come up with any scenario where he did what he wrote about, and have it be completely innocent. Wasn't it?

After pulling her hair back and securing it with a clip, she grabbed the datareader and headed to the kitchen. She planned to brew some tea and then wake Obi Wan. That wretched, angry woman was not going to be her. Not any longer. She had already told herself that several times. Hopefully there would be a reasonbable explanation for the discrepancy between the story Obi Wan told her and Anakin's version of things. But if all this did turn out to be a heartless punishment for her own cruelty, she would not scream or lose her temper. With her chin held high, she would merely tell the jedi master where he could go. And then, in private, she would cry for all that she had lost and for everything that she had never had to begin with.

Threepio was waiting for her in the gathering room.

"Miss Padme, I have a message for you from Master Kenobi. He and the twins will be out most of the day, but he did ask me to tell you that he and the children would make dinner when they return. You are to have a pleasant day, resting, relaxing and reading. Is there anything you require this morning?"

"Are you sure? It's so early, the twins never get up before sunrise."

"Well, apparently, when they are doing this jedi thing, they do. They took the speeder, wanting to find the perfect place. Master Kenobi was talking about the three of them meditating, trying to find a signature in the force together. I really don't understand when they start talking like that. It seems to me that..."

She held up her hand, quieting the chatty droid. "It's okay, thank you. I don't need anything right now, other than peace and quiet. If I change my mind, I'll know where to find you. "

"Oh. Of course." he walked away with his head down. If she didn't know better, she'd think he were pouting. 'Silly, fussy droid', she thought as she went on her way.

Not letting the disapointment of being unable to ask questions get to her, she made her tea and went out onto the veranda. After curling up on her favorite chair, she pushed the switch on the datareader.

"Well, let's see what else you had to say for yourself, Anakin. Whatever else there is, I'm ready for it."

The last page she read came up on the screen and she quickly forwarded away from it. The next several entries were all about the trip to the Outer Rim, their arrival and details of some of the many settlements they had been assigned to protect. He spoke of the battles and the injuries he received here and there as though they were nothing more than a boring day at the office.

_I broke a rib today. It happened early in the morning, so I had to deal with it most of the day before the healer could look at it. It's okay though. It only hurt when I tried to breathe._

The one constant in each entry, was the painful longing he expressed for his wife. It was obvious that he didn't have the same fortitude in matters of the heart as he did with his body.

_I hate it out here. The loneliness is excruciating. I miss her. I keep asking myself what I'm doing here and cursing the day I gave my allegiance to the jedi. It should be her curled up next to me at night, not Obi Wan. Communications are bad out here at best and nonexistant at worst. I can't even get in contact with her, or see any news clips to know what's happening in the Senate. I promise you, Padme, the minute this is over, I will leave all this behind and never look back. As soon as my obligation is fulfilled, I will stay by your side for the rest of our lives. Wait for me, and may the Force keep you safe until I return._

Every entry was sprinkled with loving thoughts of her and his own insecurities about being worthy of her love. There was no mention of their fight, Bail, Kayna or visits to flesh houses. Most of their nights were spent in crude camps- temporary shelters until they moved on to the next area that needed to be secured. He took no refuge from the war in the bed of another woman, relying only on a thin blanket to protect him from the cold ground and happy memories of time spent with his wife.

It was becoming difficult for her to read any longer. She shared his pain as she relived it, almost unable to stand the torture he went through. Those times had been awful for her, but nowhere near as agonizing as they had been for him. A single tear ran down her cheek as she thought of how selfish she had been. It should have been _her_ worrying about being worthy of _his_ love, not the other way around. Earlier she had wanted to bring him back from the dead, just so she could have the pleasure of killing him herself. Now, she felt the grief of losing him all over again. She was about to abandon the datareader to curl up in a ball of self pity, when she came on a strange entry that seemed out of place among the others that were so long and expressive.

It was only one sentence, dated almost six weeks after he left.

_I want to die, too sick to write, more when I'm better._

The explanation came five days later.

_I was finally able to hold down some food and everything went well today, despite the fact I am still weak. The bad feeling has lifted too, so I think everything must be okay. It took all my strength, not to give in to the overwhelming need to return to Coruscant. I came very close to deserting my duty, being sure something was wrong with Padme. I could feel it. It was lucky that I couldn't stop throwing up, otherwise I might have done something I'd be regretting now. After a few days with no food and little water, I could barely stand, but I kept trying to leave. Apparently, I was getting irrational. Obi Wan told me they finally had to sedate me so they could get some fluids into my system. Before I passed out, I made him promise to not let her die, but he had no idea who or what I was talking about. I have no memory of any of it. If I said anything else inappropriate, he didn't mention it. The healers could find nothing wrong with me and all of us have been eating and drinking the same things so it wasn't some type of poisoning. It was just a strange illness. I can't wait to go home, I need to see her. Hopefully this ordeal will be over soon. _

If he had told her of his sickness, she would have been able to give him an explanation for it. She smiled in wonder at how strong their bond had been back then. At the very same time he was suffering, she had the mystery illness too. Only it wasn't a mystery to her. In fact, it came as no surprise when the medic told her she was pregnant. Despite the fear and uncertainty, she had been happy. She kept telling herself everything would work out. Once the medication to stop the nausea started working, things seemed much brighter. It wasn't until a month later, when the rumors of his death started circulating, that resentment and suspicion started to creep in. The thought of having a baby while he was still alive scared her, the idea of doing it without him was terrifying.

She became convinced he did this on purpose, that he had lied about his abilities that night. That's when the anger came back, beginning to slowly build without her realizing it. The shame that she had denied was there too. She didn't want anyone knowing she married a jedi and was carrying his baby. The relief of his homecoming distracted her from it temporarily, but it was still there.

He had taken a minute to consider the ramifications when she first told him, then he reacted with pure joy. His dream that had seemed unreachable, was finally coming true. Things would not be easy, but he didn't care... they would make it work.

_I'm going to be a father! I can hardly express what I'm feeling right now. I couldn't believe it when she said the words I've been longing to hear. For the first time in my life, I knew what pure terror felt like. This was something I wanted so much, the thought of screwing it up scared me like nothing before. It only lasted a few seconds, but that was more than enough. Then I thought of the children in my visions, the love that Padme and I share, and everything seemed so right. This baby is us, created through our love. All those months of hell are behind me and I have come home to the greatest blessing! It felt so good to have her back in my arms again. It didn't matter to me that anyone walking by could see us, I meant it when I said I'm tired of all the deception and I don't care if they know we're married. She can chastise me all she wants for saying such things, but very soon , none of it will matter. Padme has to see that there is no shame to bear for what was created in love. Our child is not a bastard, the world will know that she is my wife and our baby is legitimate. Obi Wan never understood my motivations or believed in me, but now he will. The odd Skywalker kid had a reason for his perseverance. And it was worth it. This is the happiest day of my life! _

One evening of peace was all they had before his nightmares began. And then it all fell apart. The next few months were a blur to all of them. Palpatine had increased his manipulations and Anakin was obsessed with gaining the knowledge and power he thought he needed to save her. None of them realized just how thick the darkness surounding them was.

_I must find a way to save her. I told her we didn't need Obi Wan's help, but maybe we do. I'm going to speak to Master Yoda today. Hopefully he can give me some insight on these premonitions and I'll know what needs to be done. Whatever it takes, even if I have to sell my soul, no harm will come to her. This vision will not come true. Two women I loved have already died in my arms because of my weakness. Padme will not be the third. We are going to be a family and I will not fail them. I will not lose her or another baby. _

Padme sat up, swiping at the tears that clung to her eyelashes. It was still early yet, but she had been on more ups and downs already today, making her feel emotionally spent. The familiar ache in her temples had returned and she decided that going inside was probably best. As she stood, bright light exploded in front of her eyes, a supernova inside her head, causing searing pain at the top of her skull. The datareader fell from her hand and skittered across the stone as her body crumpled to the ground. Then, there was nothing but darkness.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

She sensed a brightness, and there was a soft breeze blowing gently across her face. Someone was yelling, but it was muffled and distant, so she couldn't figure out who. Gradually, she became more aware and the voices became more distinct. The eyes that refused to open slowly cooperated, revealing the open window she stood in front of. It was the veranda she looked out on. The twins and her family were there, along with Obi Wan. They were avoiding each other's eyes, an awkwardness hung in the air. Only Luke and Leia looked at one another, communicating in their silent way. Their small hands were clasped tightly, their mouths turned down slightly, but there were no tears. Only acceptance of what was.

They were a solemn bunch, in direct contrast to their surroundings.

Long curls of bright colored ribbons, hung from the trees. Shiny balloons that bobbed in the wind, were tied to each of the chairs. Set out on the table were fancy cookies and a decorated cake, along with several other types of food. The crystal punchbowl held a pink liquid of some sort, and the best china sparkled in the sunlight. Nearby, another table held several packages wrapped in decorated paper. It was a party. She understood that much, anyway.

Looking around, she noticed the banner that was strung across the wall. In bold letters it said, "Happy 5th Birthday, Leia and Luke!"

It was coming back to her, a little at a time. The volume of the voice yelling got louder and she recognized who it belonged to. It was her own.

She turned away from the window, looking toward the room where the sound was coming from. Knowing what she would find, she took her time in getting there. With a deep breath, she pushed open the door and stepped just inside. There they were, ghosts from the past. Her husband and herself, two of the most stubborn people who ever lived.

Her head ached and her mind was fuzzy, but she struggled to bring the vague memories of this time into focus. Things had started out okay, for a change. They had been nice to one another for the sake of the family... for a little while. Then something had gotten to her, making her angry and she had started her digs, baiting him until he could no longer ignore it. His voice was stern as he asked their guests to excuse them for a few minutes. He had grabbed her arm firmly, being careful not to hurt her, as he pulled her along into the house.

As always, he had tried talking calmly. But she made sure the argument escalated quickly.

He was standing with his arms crossed against his chest, listening to her carefully. 

"I don't care what you want anymore! They're getting older now, things are changing. It's my right as their mother to try and protect them from harmful influences. No judge would deny me that!"

"What makes you so sure? They are jedi, Padme, whether you like it, or not! You can't be serious, calling it a harmful influence. What judge in his right mind would tell a jedi that training is..."

"Just shut up Anakin! They're getting bigger, the things they're doing are more dangerous. Luke's arm was broken!"

"Yes, they are getting bigger! And their power is growing stronger every day. It would be dangerous _not_ to continue their training. They are my children, Padme! You know what that means, what they could be capable of. Do you want to know why his arm got broken? Why she did it? She was only trying to..." 

"She was in your care and you let it happen! It had nothing to do with them, it was your fault! My lawyer can make an iron tight case against..."

"And my lawyer can do the same! I'll not back down on this one, Padme. Not anymore. I have just as many credits as you do. Maybe more. My earning potential is almost unlimited, I turn down contracts and endorsements every day. But if it comes down to it and you want to fight, I'll take on anything I have to in order to win. I won't let you take them from me!"

"What do you know of money? You're ignorant. You grew up with nothing!"

"If you call not spending more on a pair of shoes than some people earn in a lifetime ignorant, then I guess I am. But I know the value of a credit, don't try to tell me otherwise! From the time I was old enough to get my own allotments from the jedi, I saved everything possible. I went without so many things because I knew how hard credits were to come by. There were times I went hungry, nights I slept out in the cold. All for one purpose! I knew one day I would find you again, that you would be my wife. Did you think it just magically happened that I was able to buy you a ring? It took years of sacrifice. I know more than..."

"Did I ask you to sacrifice for me? Well here Anakin, " she stomped over to the table, rummaging through her purse and pulling something out. " Here Anakin, here is your empty belly and your cold nights! Take it!" She threw her wedding ring at him, bouncing it off his chest. "And take this too!" The japor snippet landed at his feet.

He picked them up, glaring at her the entire time. "You have no idea what all I gave up for you. None."

"You'll have to excuse me if I don't cry for you. The fact remains, I don't want them being raised as jedi any longer. I don't want them to be like you." 

He sucked in a breath and she smiled. That got him. He thought a few minutes, choosing his words carefully, speaking quietly.

"Padme, I don't know what you're angry about this time, but this has to stop. You know how important their training is. I will block any attempt you make to change things. All this fighting is damaging them. Stop it. Their abilities saved you, Padme. Do you so easily forget? What was it? Two months ago? If they didn't have their power, if I hadn't taught them..."

"Stop! I don't want to listen! It's not fair of you to bring that up!" 

"Do you even know what fair is, Padme? They saved you. They used their power to save you, how can you say it's a bad thing? I pulled back from the dark side so I could see them grow up, so I could hold them in my arms. They saved me, Padme."

He turned his gaze toward the door. Through the fog, Padme could see that he was staring at her, not her ghost from four months ago. Chills ran up her spine as she waited for him to do something, but he only spoke softly to her.

"They can save me again, Padme. Pay attention to them, give them a chance. When the time comes, they'll know. Listen to them. I want to be saved, Padme." 

She covered her eyes to block out the pleading in his. The sound of her own heartbeat was pounding in her ears. It hurt. 

"Padme? Are you alright?"

She blinked several times before realizing she was looking at her bedroom ceiling.

"There she is! I told you she'd be okay!" 

It was loud, too loud. Turning her neck was difficult, so she shifted her eyes to see who was talking to her. Obi Wan. The twins. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly.

"Anakin? Where's Anakin?" She asked, opening her eyes once again. Leia put a cool hand on her cheek, a disapointed look crossing her face.

"Oh Mommy, he's gone. Did you forget?"

Gone. She said the word in her head. Yes, gone. Another dream, of another time. That's all. She reached out for Obi Wan, wanting a hand to help her up. 

"I'm not sure this is a good idea, Padme. You bumped your head on the table when you fell. What happened?"

"I'm fine, just help me sit up."

He obliged, taking his time in pulling her up, while the twins adjusted pillows behind her for support. She put a hand to her forehead, gently feeling the lump that was there.

"I got one of my headaches and decided to come in. When I stood up, there was a blinding light and a stabbing pain in my head. I don't remember anything after that. How did I get in here? What time is it?"

Obi Wan looked concerned. "Threepio found you and used the comlink I left him to call us. It's around lunchtime. You've been out for quite awhile. Do you know where you are, what day it is? I mean, you do understand about Anakin, don't you?"

She patted his hand, trying to reassure him. "I'm fine, Obi Wan. Unfortunately, I remember everything. Anakin was in my dreams before I woke up, that's all." 

"You really must see a medic. Something must be wrong for you to pass out like that."

"It's just an aftereffect... from my encounter with Darvin."

Obi Wan looked uneasy as he spoke to the twins.

"Why don't the two of you go see if Threepio needs help with lunch?"

Luke hugged Padme tightly. "I'm glad you're okay, Mommy." 

"Thank you, sweetie. Uncle and I will be out in a little bit. The two of you be careful."

Leia surprised her with a quick kiss on the cheek before running to join her brother. She smiled and shook her head. "Well, I'm beginning to believe in miracles, Obi Wan."

He returned her smile, but the worry was still in his eyes.

"Padme, has this happened before? You said this was an aftereffect, but it's been, what, six months now? "

"This was the worst, I've never lost conscious before. I just get headaches frequently. There are times I wish that Anakin _did_ kill him." She sighed, running her hands over her face.

"If Anakin ever heard you say that, he would have been off without a second thought to do just that. You can only imagine the amount of restraint it took him to not do it in the first place."

"I know. I could feel the anger radiating from him that day. It was scary and comforting at the same time." She watched him nod in agreement.

"He had his faults, but you couldn't have asked for a more loyal protector. There wasn't anything he wouldn't have done for you."

She twisted the blanket in her fingers, thinking about the confessions in his journal and her own confusion over it. During her morning rage, she had wanted to cast Obi Wan out of their lives forever, figuring he was part of a larger plan to hurt her. Now, seeing the concern on his face and remembering how carefully Anakin had always looked after her, she knew how ridiculous those thoughts had been. Still, there were questions that needed to be answered.

" I've been reading, but it hasn't brought me the comfort you seemed to think it would. There are things I'm unsure of now, things I thought I knew, but maybe I didn't afterall."

He tilted his head in confusion. "What things?"

"Anakin's devotion. His loyalty. He's mentioned the names of several other women. He spoke of many nights the two of you spent at flesh houses. You said he never showed interest in that sort of thing. On our wedding night, he told me I was the first, that he had waited for us to be together. He spoke of how difficult and frustrating it was at times, but that it was worth it. From what he's written, it sounds like those were all lies. When we were together, he was always so loving to me. Even after the divorce, he was still so... committed. His journals are a contradiction to the way he acted. He was hiding things. There were things he was afraid to share with me. I'm afraid of what I'll find out next."

"Did you read about any specific encounters he had at the flesh houses?" Obi Wan seemed genuinely puzzled.

"Well, not exactly. I started reading later on in time, from when we had our first fight, when our marriage started to fail. I wanted to see his point of view from that time. The only useful thing was, I got to see how Palpatine played with his mind, making things seem not as they really were. As much as I'd like to blame that evil worm, we had enough problems on our own, his contribution only helped them along. Anakin did mention someone named Jade. He talked about how her body felt against his. Obi Wan, tell me she was a child! Tell me she was an old woman the two of you helped! Tell me it isn't what he made it sound like."

Instead of offering immediate words of comfort, he sighed deeply and turned away from her. She became aware of the pounding in her chest as she waited for a response. He ran his hand through his hair a few times before grabbing a chair from the corner and bringing it to the side of her bed. Once he sat down and raised his eyes to meet hers, she saw the sadness and regret in them. Bracing herself for the worst, she was surprised when he asked her something completely unexpected.

"Do you realize what a strange child Anakin was?" She shook her head slowly, wondering what that had to do with anything.

"Well, he was strange by jedi standards, that's for certain. But he probably would have been considered the same out in the world, too. When I inherited him- and that's how I thought of it then, an unfortunate inheritance, I had absolutely no clue how to handle him. He was different. I had been raised in the temple, never knowing my parents, never knowing what it felt like to be held in love. Feelings and attachments were trained out of us. And along came this little imp, who spent his nights crying for his mother and his days mooning over a young queen who was beyond his reach. What was I supposed to do with that?

" I had dealings with many children over the years, but he was unlike any other. He was an intense little man. He _felt_ things more than most people. And he was hard on himself, having unrealistic expectations of what he should be capable of. The Council and I didn't help that any, either. We had our own expectations that really weren't fair. If we had just let him be..." He trailed off, thinking for a moment before continuing.

"None of us were really prepared for the needs of the Chosen One. We tried to make him fit the mold we thought he should fit, showing little regard for his past experience and what he required. He was so eager to please. Looking back on it, we set him up for failure. We tried to keep him on a tight leash, when what he really needed, was some freedom. Someone to trust him, have faith in him. We didn't. "

He paused again, clearing his throat as he smiled in memory.

"He was intelligent and strong willed. Both of those traits got him into trouble on more than one occasion. Standard punishment for padawans back then was creche duty. You know, basic cleaning, trash and such. Depending on the offense, sometimes helping with diapers and bath or mealtime was part of it. The first time Anakin ended up in there, he quickly did the chores his punishment called for. Instead of running out the minute they were done, he stayed. He seemed happy, helping rock some of the fussier little ones or feeding them a bottle. He even changed diapers without being asked. The other masters and I were amazed. And suspicious. I suspected it was his stubborn nature, that he was pretending to enjoy his time there so he wouldn't be sent again. So, he got sent more frequently, for much smaller infractions. I'm a little ashamed to admit, I couldn't wait for the day it would break him. I was looking forward to him begging not to be sent there anymore, for him to admit he was just being obstinate. That day never came. Turns out, he actually _liked_ being around the babies. " 

She smiled, picturing Anakin when the twins were born. He never balked at doing anything for them. It had surprised her how comfortable he was, caring for them. He was a natural at it. She never gave a thought that he had prior experience with such things. Or that, maybe, Luke and Leia were not his firstborn children. Despite the warmth in the room, a chill ran down her spine.

"With much enthusiasm, he told me how he wanted to have a family one day. That he would get married and do things right. I didn't feel the smug sense of satisfaction I thought I would, when I told him it would never happen. Jedi didn't have families. He refused to hear it. He was determined. And he never let go of that dream. Even as he got older and we started visiting the flesh houses. "

"Are you saying he went there looking for someone to have a child with?" The anguish in her voice startled him.

"No, of course not! He went there with just the opposite on his mind. When we were away on missions, the flesh houses were a friendly place of rest. Jedi were revered by the people who worked there. They would let us shower, give us a hot dinner and offer other means of relaxation. At first, Anakin was too young to enjoy anything but the hot water and the home cooked meal. He was grateful just to have a soft bed to sleep in- one that was usually in the domestic staff's area of the house. He understood, of course, what it meant when I went upstairs for the night, but he never said much about it. When he became a teenager, I saw the look in his eye when he saw the women walking around in revealing clothing. I sat him down for the talk, trying to explain how his body worked, letting him know that wanting to go upstairs was nothing to be embarrassed about. It turned out, I was wrong in my assumptions. He already knew the facts of life, much more than I knew at his age. And he was interested, just not in doing anything with any of those women. He told me he was going to do things the right way. To him, that meant being in love, being married. Do you know what I did?"

She shook her head, afraid of the answer.

"I laughed at him. I swore it would be impossible for him to wait, especially for something that he wasn't allowed to do in the first place. I encouraged him to give up his dream, but he wouldn't. It was just another example of his peculiarity. We had settled into a good relationship by this time, but in the back of my mind, he was still the odd Skywalker kid. He had all these unrealistic expectations and crazy ideas that he refused to let go of. And he continued to sleep alone whenever we went to the houses. That is, until Jade. She had an effect on him like noone ever had before. After her, he said he wouldn't go to the houses with me anymore. Most of the time, he slept outside. It was after that, I stopped going. "

"Who was she? Did he compromise himself with her? Is that why he didn't go to the houses anymore, because of a guilt for what he had done?"

It hurt her to think of him with someone else, but it hurt to think of him being lonely, too. Thought of as strange because of his convictions. Taken from the only person who had ever loved him, and placed with people who were cold, living in a sterile environment that was foreign to him. If he had tried to fit in, had found comfort for a night... who was she to judge him for it? Still, she silently prayed it wasn't as it seemed.

"She was young. Anakin's age, actually. He had turned sixteen a few months before. She was very pretty, with the most striking green eyes. Anakin was alone in the storeroom off the kitchen when I left to join the festivities for the night. When I returned for him in the morning, she was in bed with him. I quickly excused myself, thinking the boy had finally decided to give up on his idealistic fantasy. She came to the breakfast table with him and the three of us ate in silence. He sensed I was gloating and he stared at me in defiance. When it was time to leave, she pulled him down to her, whispering something in his ear before kissing him. Once we got outside, I patted him on the back, ready to congratulate him for finally seeing I was right. He shoved my hand away, telling me I knew nothing about him. He swore they didn't do anything and asked if I had noticed they were wearing their clothes when I barged in. I thought he was feeling ashamed, but that wasn't it. He was angry. We had a talk, and that was it as far as he was concerned. He never stepped foot in another flesh house after that." He took a deep breath before adding, "I was such a bantha butt, back then."

She laughed out loud at that, hearing the serious jedi master use such a term. He laughed too.

"Well, I was. It's a term the twins use sometimes for... well, never mind. Just trust me, I really was. Anakin wasn't the only one who needed to mature. I have him to thank for a lot of things. It was hard for him, but he held on to what he believed in. Waiting for you and the twins was a promise he made himself a long time ago. And he kept it. "

"You're sure?" 

He nodded.

"As sure as I can be. He spent a lot of time writing that night. He was still a little frustrated with me, I think. Read for yourself. You should go back and read from the beginning. It might help with some of the misunderstanding. You'll see his motivations for things. Trust me, he usually had a reason for doing what he did. It just wasn't always clear. I wish I could have read his journals when I was first given the responsibility for training him. I would have realized it for the gift it was, instead of looking at it as a burden. "

A tear escaped his eye and he stood quickly, not wanting her to see him cry. He changed the subject.

"The council sent word today that I am to return to Endor. I was going to leave tonight, but if you are unwell, I can see about changing plans."

"No, I understand how important your work is. I'm fine. Really. Besides, I'm going to Theed tomorrow to speak with the Queen. I'll make sure I check in with my medic while I'm there."

She moved her legs over the side of the bed and stood slowly. Walking up behind him, she put her arms around him, pressing her cheek against his back.

"He was a gift, Obi Wan. He loved all of us very much. Be happy that you made peace with him. That's something I'm not able to say."

He turned around and pulled her into his arms. 'Maybe soon you will be able to,' he thought. 'I'll do my best to make it happen.'

Moving back, he held her at arm's length and examined the bump on her head. 

"Make sure you get this looked into tomorrow. Anakin wouldn't forgive me if I let anything happen to you." 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Luke and Leia cried when Obi Wan left, but he promised to return in a few days. Trying to cheer them up, Padme let them watch some of the old news holos from the Clone Wars. It was painful for her to see Anakin during the time they had been both happy and miserable. The twins were fascinated seeing their father and uncle on the screen. They didn't watch long, just enough to remind themselves of what their father looked like. Both of them had a fear of forgetting him. Padme didn't think it was possible, but she understood why they were desparate to hold onto his memory.

She listened at their door, after tucking them in. They spoke softly in their own language, often finishing each other's sentences or leaving entire words out, using sounds instead. There were murmurs of Endor, Uncle Obi Wan and their Daddy coming home. It made her sad to think of them growing up without him. She wished more then ever that she had asked him about Kayna the morning after. That they would have talked things out, that he would have been able to open up about the things that haunted him. They could have worked it out somehow and she would have never thrown him away. If things had been different, maybe there would have been more Skywalker babies. Maybe he wouldn't have risked going on the mission... It hurt thinking of the possibilities that would never be.

After turning down the lights, she climbed into bed with the datareader. It was a little scraped up, but still in working condition. She read through a few more entries, but they became short and disjointed. Anakin had worked himself into a frenzy, trying to find a way to save her from his nightmares. He spoke of other visions that disturbed him. He saw the Jedi Temple in flames, younglings killed by his own hand and him trying to destroy Obi Wan. None of it made sense and there was no way he could imagine himself doing those things. He wanted more power, thinking it was the way to stop the future from happening as it had been revealed to him. In the middle of all the craziness, there was an entry where he was lucid.

_I have decided that confessing everything to Obi Wan is the only solution. Padme is angry with me, but I feel there is no other choice. She doesn't know what I've seen. She's going to be even more upset when I have her sent to Naboo, but it's the only way. Twins. This should be such a happy time, but the Force has both blessed and cursed me at once. Everything will work out and they will be safe, even if it takes my death. I saw the healers, everything is as it should be. I'll give the remote to him, make sure he will use it if he has to. Why did I have to be the Chosen One? _

The disc came to an end and she opened his bag in search of the next. She pulled out the worn hand written book, placing it next to the datareader as she changed discs. The contrast of the two journals struck her. One had an innocence about it, a reminder of a different time, one of openness and simplicity. The other, a more complex piece of technology, its abilities more advanced, but it's inner workings much more complicated. She saw the child Anakin had been and the man he had become in them. The man she should have done better by.

Obi Wan had advised her to go back to the beginning in order to understand Anakin's motivations for his actions later in life. Maybe it would be helpful, seeing his transformation from the loving child he was into the troubled young man he became, before eventually settling into adulthood and his role as a devoted father. The role she had tried to take away from him on more than one occasion. The role he was willing to sacrifice everything for.

She ran her hand over the smooth cover and picked up the book. As she turned it over, something small fell out. It was a photograph. The primitive kind, with a flat image placed on a glossy piece of paper. The technique was still used, but it was considered more of a hobby or an indulgence. Holos were the norm, and it had been a long time since she had seen a picture like this.

Staring up at her was a young Anakin, his face glowing with joy and a smile wider than she had ever seen. Even though he was dressed in slave's clothing, he looked content and at peace. There was no trace of the shadows that were in his eyes when she first met him and she wondered if this had been one of the last times he had been truly happy, before the harsh realities of his world had started to take their toll on him. Next to him, with her arm slung over his shoulder, was a girl who looked a few years older than he was. Her hair color was so fair, it was almost translucent and her eyes were the palest shade of blue. There was a smile on her face too, but it didn't reach her eyes. The erosion of innocence had already started.

On the back of the picture, scribbled in a childish print, were the words "Cadia and me"


	14. Chapter 14

**Thanks for all the feedback- I really appreciate it!**

**Just to give you an idea of where this is heading- it is a pretty long story and there are many more revelations to come. I like happy endings, but they are more satisfying if they don't come too quickly or easily. That's all I'm saying for now... ; )**

Chapter 14

Leia and Luke were busy cutting up fruit when Padme found them in the kitchen. It startled her to see them handling knives but she approached them calmly, afraid that yelling might cause them to hurt themselves. They smiled at her, acting as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

"Good morning, Mommy. We're making breakfast.'" Luke told her.

She looked at his eyes that were so much like Anakin's, it hurt her to see them. They were only trying to help, she told herself. But still, they should know what they were doing was not allowed. She watched for a minute, while silently asking herself how the new Padme was going to handle this.

"Twins, knives are very dangerous. They aren't for children to play with...you could cut yourselves." She congratulated herself for being so calm and rational before adding, "What made you think it was okay to do this?"

She put her fist up to her mouth, two seconds too late to prevent those last words from escaping. Immediately, she knew how critical it sounded, even though it wasn't meant to be. Luke stopped, his hand coming to a rest at his side as he looked to his sister. Leia inhaled sharply before blowing it out in frustration. Instead of lifting her head, she raised her eyes slightly, staring at Padme with an icy gaze.

"Well then, Mother," she began in a caustic tone, "It's a good thing that we aren't _playing_ with them." She lowered her eyes back to the cutting board and continued her work.

Padme saw Luke glancing nervously back and forth at both of them. Determined that the day would not start off badly, she tried again.

"I'm sorry if I sounded mean Leia, because that wasn't my intention. I only wanted to know why the two of you were doing something that an adult should do, that's all. "

Leia put the knife down and studied her mother carefully. When she seemed satisfied that Padme was telling the truth, she spoke softly.

"We always help Daddy and Uncle Obi Wan with breakfast. We just wanted to do something nice."

"Daddy let you use knives?" She had a hard time believing Anakin would be so reckless with them. They answered her question at the same time.

Leia's confident response of "yes", was almost loud enough to drown out Luke's hesitant "no." She turned on him so quickly, he barely had time to react. If it weren't for his jedi reflexes, he would have been shoved to the floor. Instead, their hands clashed and wrestled in a battle of strength.

"Stop it! Both of you. What's the matter?"

They stood with their eyes locked for a moment before slowly lowering their arms. Some kind of understanding passed between them and Luke raised a hand to gently stroke his sister's cheek in a comforting gesture. Once again, Padme was reminded how much her son was growing to be like his father. Leia jumped down from the chair she was standing on and pulled it over to the sink. After washing her hands, she went outside without looking back. Luke started to speak, but then thought better of it. She ruffled his hair and nodded in encouragement.

"We're worried about Uncle. What if he doesn't come home, like Daddy?"

The ache that had settled into her heart flared into a searing pain once again. He stiffened slightly at first, as she hugged him close to her.

"Oh, Luke, Obi Wan will be fine. He knows what he's doing."

He surprised her by jerking himself from her grasp in anger.

"Daddy knew what he was doing, too!"

She cursed herself for saying the wrong thing again. 'Maybe I should call Cora and Sabe back' she thought.

"I know he did, baby. I wasn't saying he didn't. It's just, Uncle Obi Wan knows of the danger now. Daddy didn't. And Uncle has more people to help keep him safe. He'll return to us."

He looked out on the veranda, at his sister sitting on the stone wall meditating.

"We want to go home, Mommy." She saw the tears in his eyes.

"Okay. I have some business to take care of today, but we can be back on Coruscant by evening."

"No. Not your house. Home is where we lived with Daddy."

She didn't try to hide the hurt in her voice as she spoke to him. "You can have more than one home, Luke. The two of you spend as much time at my..."

"It's different. Home is where you don't have to try to be somebody you're not. Where people love you, even if you don't always say the right thing or use the proper fork at dinner."

He ran out to join Leia. The sat close together holding hands, legs crossed in front of them, heads tilted toward the sky.

Padme busied herself with gathering the rest of the stuff for their breakfast and assembling it on a tray. She could see why Anakin had been worried about Leia's behavior, and it concerned her how quickly her daughter's temper had risen. And Luke's feelings about home, would they ever be able to feel comfortable with her? Already they had made some progress, but it was going to be a slow process, overcoming the harsh way she had treated them in the past.

Her expectations had been high at times, but she always told herself it was because she wanted them to live up to their potential, do something more significant than just settling into the life of a jedi. She never admitted it was a spiteful way to undermine Anakin's influence on them, her way of showing disapproval of him. Just another awful mistake in a whole line of them. Another mistake to learn from and move on.

There would be no more apologies, not for now anyway, she decided. If she told them she was sorry for all the miserable ways she had used them over the years, there would be no time for any other words and too much time had already been wasted. They would become a loving family, she was determined to make it happen. They might take one step forward and two back for awhile, but somehow, they would eventually make it.

Luke climbed down from the railing and turned to offer a helping hand to Leia. Padme saw them look at the empty chair as they sat down and wondered if they were thinking of Anakin or Obi Wan. She couldn't remember a time when it was just the three of them, Cora or Sabe usually ate with them. It was something they would have to get used to, she thought sadly. Their chance to sit together and share a peaceful meal with both their parents was gone forever. Something as simple as that, something billions of families did across the galaxy every day , and her children had never experienced it. She watched as they ate, thinking she would give anything to have Anakin here with them, to see him smile at her one more time. The little things in life were what made it worth living. She had just never taken the time to notice them before.

"We have some things to take care of today, including a visit with the Queen, so after breakfast you need to get ready quickly. Okay?"

They both let out a loud groan.

"That means a suit for me and a gown for Leia, doesn't it?" Luke's voice was small and defeated sounding.

"No, it doesn't. I want the two of you to be who you are and wear what you want. If you will be happier in your jedi robes, that is what you will wear. Being a jedi is something to be proud of. There will be no more pretending, no more trying to be something you're not. "

They looked at one another, truly surprised at the change in their mother. Leia considered the idea carefully before making a decision.

"Mommy, if we are going to see the Queen, I want to look nice, but I don't want to wear a gown. Can I just wear a dress and keep my braids? Headpieces are too heavy and uncomfortable."

It was Padme's turn to be surprised. "Of course, Leia. I want you to be happy." A tiny spark of hope was lit inside her and she basked in its warmth. It was almost enough to take her mind off the discomfort rising behind her eyes once again.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The wedding ring slid onto her finger easily and she turned her hand so that the sunlight reflected off of it. It had felt special once, over the years when she could only wear it in secret. She remembered relishing the feel of it against her skin, wrapped around her finger as a symbol of her and Anakin bound together for life. Her pledge to be a faithful and loving wife, made tangible in a shinning band of gold. She had been honored to wear it then. Until everything collapsed around them and Anakin insisted on bringing their indiscretion to light. It was never the same after that. It seemed ironic that once they no longer had to hide, she went out of her way to do exactly that.

While he proudly displayed his commitment, she had taken to leaving hers in a jewelry box. Even after the twins were born and she could no longer use swollen fingers as an excuse, she still didn't wear it. He would take her hand in his, gently rubbing the spot where it should be and looking questioningly into her eyes, but he never asked aloud about it. They both knew things weren't right between them, but he seemed to think it was because of the adjustment they were making to their new life and caring for two newborns.

It wasn't until they were six months old, that he decided to press the issue. His timing couldn't have been worse, as she had already been considering asking for a divorce. Even though he had moved into the Temple two months prior, it wasn't uncommon for him to be at her apartment when she came home from work. He visited with his babies every spare minute. Only that night, he had been standing, staring out into the lights in the darkness instead of cuddling the twins to his chest. She could feel his torment, even before he turned to face her with that haunted look in his eyes. He slowly lifted his arm, revealing her ring sitting in the palm of his hand. She stood speechless, as he closed the gap between them and reached for her, sliding it gently back on her finger.

_"It's over, Padme. This separation ends tonight. I can't bear to be away from you or them another moment. I won't. We'll work it out...I'll make things right. Try and remember! Remember how much you wanted to be Mrs. Skywalker. Please..." _

Pulling the ring off, she shook off the awful memory. As much as she wanted to wear it, she couldn't. After pushing him away and renouncing his name, she had no right to. Instead, she placed it back onto the cord with the japor snippet and fastened it around her neck. She would take comfort in the weight of it against her chest, just as he had. It would have to do. Wearing his ring on her finger was an honor she no longer deserved.

She glanced in the mirror one final time to make sure her hair was in place, and the reflection of Anakin's things caught her eye. She sat on the bed carefully, trying not to wrinkle her gown in the process. The picture was on top of the worn book and she took a minute to study it again, wishing she had the time to delve deeper into his past.  
But it would have to wait. Her audience with the Queen was expected, her decision about the future already made. Flipping quickly through the pages, she saw the progression of his writing, going from childish scribble to polished script. Somewhere in there, she hoped, were the answers she needed.

As she came across the last page, she realized there was an envelope tucked between it and the back cover. The return address was from a neighborhood just outside the university district of Theed and the handwriting had a feminine slant to it. The familiar tingle of jealousy curled around her heart, but she quickly dismissed it. Although time was running short, she decided she couldn't leave without reading the letter. It was dated two weeks before he left for his final mission.

_Dear Master Anakin, _

I hope this correspondence finds you well and that it pleases you to see my words on paper. This first year at school has been challenging, but I am truly grateful for the opportunity. Your Father in Law is a gracious, patient man who has helped me more times than I can count. He deserves a medal for his efforts.

Anyway, I know you said it isn't necessary, but I want to thank you again for all you have done for me. If I live to be a hundred, I could never thank you enough. When the deed to the house arrived the other day, I was shocked. You are an incredibly kind and generous man, Anakin Skywalker. I spent the day weeping tears of joy and happiness out in the garden. My garden. I think the neighbors are convinced I'm insane but they could never understand, even if I tried explaining it. You understand, though, and thats enough for me.

Aside from the material things you have provided, I thank you most for giving me my life. Some things have been quite difficult and others may never be easy, but I can find pleasure in just having the chance to try. The choice. You gave all that to me and more.

As I am thanking you, I feel the need to apologize once again for my mistrust at first. I'm sorry I doubted your intentions, didn't have faith in your motive. You were the only man who didn't lie when you told me I had nothing to fear from you. I thought men of honor existed only in fairy tales. You proved me wrong.

I now realize how generous it was of you to offer to let me keep your name. You were too modest to tell me of the respect and prestige it would afford me. In the end, though, I am glad you advised me to take back my own. I will succeed or fail as my true self, carrying the legacy I was meant to, the legacy she would have.

She is smiling down on you, Master Anakin. I believe that with all my heart. She knows you did this for her as much as you did it for me, probably more so. Please don't mourn her any longer or continue to punish yourself for things you had no control over. She would not want that. Sometimes we just have to accept that our best isn't good enough. A wise man once told me that when I was struggling to adjust to this new life. I hope he takes his own words to heart.

I hope my words were acceptable and promise they will be better next time I write. In the meantime, I wish only good things for you. Have faith that everything will turn out as you want. You deserve that and so much more. May the Force Be With You.

With much gratitude and love,

Trinia Starline

Things were no clearer to Padme after she read the letter a second and third time. What was Anakin up to now? And how was her own father involved with this?

She took a minute to jot down the address on the envelope and then went to round up the twins.

"Leia, go grab something comfortable to change into after we see the queen. We're going to visit your grandparents."

She pinched the bridge of her nose and willed the pain to go away. There wasn't time for weakness. And tomorrow would be soon enough to make good on her promise to Obi Wan to see her medic. Today, she needed answers.

Queen Auriella and Padme stood at the window, looking down at the twins in the gardens. Two of the queen's most trusted handmaidens held their hands, while several security guards followed closely, trying to make their presence as unobtrusive as possible. The threat of danger was unlikely, but it was standard procedure and it made it easier for Padme to let them go off without her.

" They have grown so much since I saw them last. I can understand your wish to spend more time with them, but your resignation saddens me. Are you sure there isn't anything that will change your mind?"

Padme glanced over her shoulder at the rest of the staff that were only a short distance away. "Your highness, there is more I wish to share with you, but it must be kept in strict confidence at this time. Is there any way..."

The queen nodded and went to her head advisor, talking softly. He bowed formally and the small group turned to leave. " I shall be right outside the door, if you should need anything, your highness."

The two women made themselves comfortable once they were alone. Padme took a deep breath, preparing herself for sharing her pain.

" I'm afraid there is more to my retirement than it appears. But, what I'm about to tell you, must not leave this room, not until the Jedi are ready to make this information public. The Naboo have always been supportive of the Jedi, and I know I can trust you to appoint a successor that will keep with that tradition."

The queen smiled. "Of course. Is that what you are worried about? Naboo has never and will never question it's alliance with the Jedi."

Padme visibly relaxed. "Yes, I know. It's just, this is a sensitive matter. The supporters of Palpatine have been organizing and they are at the point where they could pose a serious threat. The Jedi have been involved in an investigation, the results of which they hope to present to the Senate when it reconvenes. They will need all the help they can get."

The queen smiled and nodded again. " Well, of course we will do all that we can. But I don't understand why you want to resign when they are coming up against such a difficult time. What are you not telling me?"

"My ex-husband, Master Skywalker, he was gathering information about this matter. It was a very dangerous mission and he didn't... he didn't come back. I..."

She swallowed with some difficulty and the queen placed a hand on her arm in sympathy. " My children were very close to their father, and we need some time to adjust to life without him. After many years of service, I have decided that raising my family is what I want to do most. It scares me to leave, but it really is long overdue. I sometimes wish I had decided not to come back after my maternity leave. Things would be..." she trailed off, unable to finish her thoughts.

" I am very sorry to hear of Anakin's passing. He will be sorely missed. All the people he has helped here over the years, the impact he made... he was a wonderful man. As soon as news of his passing can be announced, we will have a day of mourning for him. His kindness will not be forgotten, I assure you."

The queen blotted her eyes with a tissue. Although it confused her, Padme was touched by her show of emotion.

" You speak as though you knew my husband. Did the two of you ever meet?"

"Of course, Padme. Anakin had adopted Naboo as his home. Anytime there was a problem, he could be counted on to lend a hand. Most of the time, we never had to contact him, he just arrived, ready to do what needed to be done. Last summer, when those storms hit the lower region, he came and worked tirelessly, helping with evacuations, tending to the injured and trying to keep peace. It wasn't just the big stuff, either. He was always willing to help out any cause, no matter how small. For years he has given talks at the schools, mentored children, helped raise money and awareness for charities. People were much more willing to help when Anakin Skywalker was involved."

Padme sat in stunned silence. Obviously, there was a lot about Anakin that she didn't know. But was she the only one who saw his flaws?

"I never knew. He never mentioned..."

"No, he was quiet about the things he did. He insisted that any publicity featuring him, had to stay local. And he only allowed that to help make the people in the area aware of the need. He gave without fanfare, in the shadows most of the time. He was extraordinary."

A touch of indignation rose in her. Even though the queen was only trying to offer her something to find solace in, she felt judged. There had to be that underlying question of why they divorced if he was so special, surely there must be something wrong with her. No such implication had been made but still, she felt insecure.

"I had no idea. He was so young when we married and divorced. He really matured into a different person over the years. I had no idea he was so perfect." The last sentence came out with more animosity than she had intended. The queen laughed loudly.

"Perfect? Oh, while he was a great humanitarian in many ways, I would hardly call Anakin Skywalker perfect. He had his faults."

Padme laughed too, in an effort to cover the embarrassment she was feeling. She couldn't believe how quickly she had become defensive.

"And those would be?"

" He was demanding and he expected a lot. He had a reputation for being a difficult taskmaster. There was no tolerance for what he viewed as laziness. It never took long for word to spread that you had to be willing to work hard if you wanted to be in his group. Mind you, it didn't deter many people, he usually had plenty of volunteers. Most of them went home sore and exhausted at the end of the day, but they had respect for him. Even those that hated him."

"Now that sounds more like the Anakin I knew." Padme smiled sadly. "Not everyone would view his extreme work ethic as a fault, though."

"No, they wouldn't. But he wasn't always a patient man and he did have a temper at times. His reputation from the war made him seem infallible, so it came as a shock to some when they realized he was human. They didn't expect to see The Hero With No Fear throw a shovel in frustration or walk off and break down when he came across victims that were beyond saving. He was far from perfect, but he was a good man. The world will be a colder place now that he is gone."

The two women talked for a while longer, both of them sharing memories of Anakin, alternately laughing and crying. Eventually, their conversation shifted to other serious matters and Padme made arrangements to help with the transition of her replacement in the Senate. They ended their visit with a hug and the promise to stay in close contact over the coming weeks, as more information about the Imperials became available.

After getting the twins and the various rocks, sticks and flowers they had gathered in the Royal Garden settled into the speeder, Padme headed toward her parent's house. It would be hard, having to share the bad news once again, but they needed to know. Her family liked Anakin, and she knew they never approved of her divorcing him. She had felt betrayed when they took his side at first. They didn't understand her anger and she wasn't willing to share her deepest hurts with them. Eventually, things were smoothed over and the subject of him and their broken marriage was rarely brought up. There was still some underlying tension, but it was tolerable. Anakin was no longer a part of their lives, and she took that as their way of supporting her decision without actually admitting they had been wrong to doubt her.

After reading that letter, she had to wonder. Obviously her father had some contact with Anakin in the past year, and not just at the excruciating family functions they subjected themselves to. Was her mother involved in this little secret the two of them were keeping? Did she really know any of these people like she thought she did?

Replaying her talk with Queen Auriella in her mind, something else was bothering her. A lie that she had become so comfortable telling herself, that it just rolled off her tongue. She blamed the destruction of her marriage on Anakin's youth and lack of maturity, making claims that he was a much different person now. In truth, all the good that others saw in him, was there all along. He did mature, but he was still the same person with the same integrity and capacity to love as he had always been. She just never wanted to acknowledge it, because to do so, would be to admit she was wrong.

How many more revelations of her own faults could she take? Visiting her family was probably going to further damage her wounded pride, she realized.

Placing her hand over the japor snippet and ring, she thought of Anakin's strength and undying love.

"Oh Anakin," she whispered, "I have a bad feeling about this."


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

As they walked slowly to the front door, Padme instructed the twins not to mention Anakin's accident to their grandparents. She didn't want them blurting out the news before she had a chance to prepare her family. They nodded at her and then looked at one another, an unspoken thought passing between them. Luke frowned and Leia took ahold of his hand whispering,

"Soon. Uncle Obi says patience."

Padme didn't hear his reply, but they smiled sadly at each other. She wondered what it must be like, being so close to someone else, so connected. She had shared something similiar with Anakin once, but it wasn't as strong as what the twins had. They were fortunate to have one another, she thought, seeing as they were stuck with a mother who barely knew them, much less understood them.

After so many years in the public eye, Padme was an expert at disguising her true feelings by putting on whatever mask the situation required. As they climbed the stairs, she decided not to use those skills. This was a solemn occasion, and she was not in the mood to pretend anymore.

A look of shock came over Ryoo's face when she opened the door and found her aunt and cousins standing on the threshold. Leia quickly gave her a hug.

"I didn't know you would be here, Roo! Is Pooj here too? What about Aunt and Uncle?"

Ryoo put her hands on top of each of the twins heads, laughing. "Dad is working, but Mom and Pooj are in the kitchen. C'mon in, everyone is going to be so happy to see you!" 

She stepped aside to let them enter and they went running towards the back of the house. Padme cleared her throat and her neice turned back to look at her, the warmth fading slowly from her eyes. She nodded formally.

"Aunt Padme, it's nice to see you again. Come in."

Resisting the urge to embrace the young girl, she simply smiled and stepped inside. Her relationship with her family had been strained over the last few years, and it had carried over to her precious neices as well. It was partly her fault, as she had distanced herself from all of them after the divorce. There were the family get togethers, of course, but even those weren't the same. And if Anakin was present, the whole affair was an uncomfortable ordeal. Seeing Ryoo's cool greeting made her realize just how much she had pushed everyone away. She only hoped that they would accept her with the open arms that she needed right now.

Leia's voice carried through the air as she approached the kitchen. 

"...and we even got to bring our treasures with us. Mommy didn't yell about getting dirt in the speeder or anything!" 

All activity stopped as she walked in. Everyone looked as though they were seeing a ghost. Sola was the first to recover, coming quickly to embrace her younger sister.

"Padme, what a surprise! Mom and Dad said you just visited last week. I thought you had to return to Coruscant by now."

" Well..."

"Come, sit down, you're just in time to eat with us," Sola continued, ushering Padme to a chair.

"The twins need to clean up a bit and Leia needs to change..."

"Of course! Girls, help your cousins please?"

Padme was stunned by the whirlwind of nervous energy in the room. Was her visit really so surprising? Her mother quickly set three extra place settings out on the table before sitting down. All three of them were looking at her expectantly and the courage she had managed to muster, quickly began to fade.

"I have some news to share with you, but maybe it would be best if we wait until after lunch." 

Ruwee reached across the table, putting his hand on top of hers.

"Padme, what's wrong? You look...lost. The twins said you visited the queen this morning. If there is some problem, you know we'll do whatever we can to help."

She didn't even bother trying to put on a brave face.

"I know, Daddy. I've been doing a lot of thinking this past month. Some things have happened and there's going to be changes. I was hoping to get the twins settled down for a rest before I tell you about it. It's a little overwhelming."

He looked up at his wife, the worry on his face mirroring hers. Looking back at his daughter, he tried to smile in reassurance.

"Okay, whenever you're ready. I'm sure everything will work out fine."

She gave him a weak smile in return while thinking that nothing would ever be fine again.

---------------------------

After the adults tired of exchanging forced pleasantries, the children took over the conversation during the meal. Ryoo had just finished her first year of high school, Pooja her first at the junior high, and the twins were interested in hearing what a regular school was like. Luke wrinkled his nose when they told him most of their day was spent sitting at a desk and that a flying class wasn't even offered.

"We get to fly the simulators, even though you're supposed to be at least eight," he boasted. "Daddy is the best star pilot in the galaxy, that's why we get to."

"We can do lots of things the other younglings can't, because of Daddy." Leia added.

Both of them quieted down and lost interest in their food after that. Padme watched in fascination as they looked out the window, up at the sky. Every so often, one of them would nod or murmur a quiet "hmm", and she wondered just how much they could communicate without ever saying a word. Finally, they looked at one another and Luke shrugged his shoulders. Leia looked toward the end of the table at Ruwee.

"Grandpa Wee? Can we watch a movie in Mommy's old room?"

"Of course. Maybe the girls can take you up and help you pick one, okay?"

Padme braced herself as she watched the four of them leave the room. Ready or not, the time was now.

"I resigned from the Senate this morning." There, one down, one horrible one to go, she told herself.

In addition to the look of surprise she had expected, her family looked happy. Jobal took one of Padme's hands in her own, smiling brightly.

"Oh, honey, does this mean you've decided to spend more time with Luke and Leia?" Then the wary look returned and her smile disappeared. "You weren't forced to resign, were you? Is there something going on?"

"No, it's not anything like that. I decided I've had enough. It's time for me to concentrate on my family, they need me now. Anakin and I talked right before he left and he asked me to consider some things. This past month I've made some ugly realizations about myself and I decided to try and change."

Sola clapped her hands together. "That's wonderful! Are you thinking about giving your marriage another try? The two of you..."

"Sola, stop. There's more I have to tell you. I _was_ considering asking him if we could try again. Until a few days ago."

She stood and went to the window, willing herself not to cry. The sky that the twins found so fascinating, was a deep, cloudless blue. She found herself imagining that Anakin was up there somewhere. Closing her eyes, she prayed that whatever afterlife there was for a jedi, that he was there, happy and flying.

Knowing that dragging it out wouldn't make it any easier, she turned back to them.

"A few days ago, Master Kenobi came bearing terrible news. Anakin completed his mission, but he was injured in the process. His wounds were fatal."

She had been prepared for the look of horror on her sister and mother's face, even her father's. What she hadn't thought about, was her neices. There was an audible gasp from just outside the doorway and Ryoo appeared, a stricken look on her face.

"No!" she yelled. "Not Uncle Anakin!" 

Sola went to her daughter, trying to quiet her, but she pulled away.

"No, Mom! No! What can she say now? It doesn't have to be a secret anymore! Even Aunt Padme can't be angry with a dead man! She can't hurt him now."

She ran from the room crying and Pooja fell into her mother's arms, both of them crying. "Excuse us." Sola choked out, and they followed Ryoo.

Padme looked at her parents. Her mother was holding her hand over her mouth, moaning and openly crying. Ruwee seemed a bit more composed, but there were tears running down his cheeks that he didn't bother to wipe away. After what felt like an eternity, he cleared his throat.

"We have a confession to make, although I guess you probably already realize. Especially after Ryoo's outburst. Anakin was an important part of this family. Just because you didn't want him in your life, didn't mean we didn't want him in ours. He was like a son to us. "

Padme wasn't angry like she expected she would be. Instead, seeing her family's grief made her numb. If she let herself feel, the pain would be crippling. In a daze, she asked the first question that came to her. She was aware it sounded petty, especially now, considering the circumstances, but she wanted to know.

"I thought after the divorce, you saw my side of it. Were you always on his side?" 

Ruwee sighed. "If we were on anyone's side, it was the twins. They were the ones who suffered because of all the foolishness. We love both you and Anakin. We weren't about to abandon him, it was the worst time of his life."

"It was the worst time of my life, too! You don't know the whole story. I never told you my side of it all."

"Padme, the time for picking sides is long over. Loving him didn't make us love you any less. If you want the truth, there were times both of you acted like spoiled brats. But that didn't change the way we felt about either of you."

Jobal swiped at her tears and ran a napkin under her nose. "The babies...do they know?" she croaked.

"They know. They're strong. Obi Wan has been a great help to them. He understands them."

She nodded. "Poor babies. They love him so much. I'm sorry Padme. Ruwee, I can't..." She stood abruptly, leaving the two of them alone. 

Ruwee made his way to the sink and splashed some cool water on his face. When he was done, he held his arm out to his daughter. 

"Let's go out for some air, so we can talk."

She took ahold of his hand and they walked arm in arm out to the gardens. 

-------------------------

"When you arrived here with your jedi escorts, you were unbelievably angry with him. He told me you would be, but I thought he was exagerating. When he called me, he was frantic. There were dark circles under his eyes and he was having trouble expressing himself clearly. He just wanted you to be safe. You and the baby. He gave Obi Wan instructions to destroy him if he became a threat to you. He would die before he hurt you. I just couldn't understand what was making you hate him so. I thought it was the pregnancy and the stress, but it only got worse after the twins were born. Then he tried to fight back and it all spiraled out of control. Your mother and I felt powerless to stop it."

"I thought he got me pregnant on purpose, even though he knew I didn't want to. I thought he lied about it. He didn't, I know that now. But then..."

"I love my grandchildren more than anything, but the two of you weren't ready to be parents. You hadn't even had the chance to know what it was really like to be married. You never had the chance to disagree or work out all the little things a newly married couple has to. You never got past the honeymoon. Every homecoming, you were happy that he was alive, and he was relieved to find you still waiting for him. When things got bad, neither one of you knew how to handle it. At times it seemed like you were enjoying torturing each other. It was the twins who paid the price for your selfishness."

"You're right. But I was too angry and jealous to see any of that then." 

"Jealous? Of what? He was yours, Padme. Always yours. Anybody who knew him could see that. How he kept it a secret from the jedi, I'll never know. They must have been blind. His eyes followed you everywhere. Everything he did was for you. How could you doubt his love?"

"I thought he was unfaithful. He said another woman's name when he was falling asleep."

"What did he say when you asked him about it?"

Padme felt the heat rise in her cheeks. "I didn't ask. My pride was hurt. I couldn't ask him."

Ruwee shook his head in disgust. "You threw away your marriage and put the twins through all this hatred and fighting because your pride was hurt? Ridiculous!"

"I realize that now. At the time, I didn't know what else to do." 

"Anakin Skywalker was a good man. I have a hard time believing he would deliberately do anything to hurt you. Did you even know him? Do you have any clue of the good that he's done?"

" I'm not sure I want to hear wonderful things about Anakin from my own father."

"Well good then. You'll be happy to hear how prideful and stubborn he was and how he refused to tell you the truth about things. "

"You're saying he lied to me?"

"No, he didn't lie. He called it, letting you believe what you wanted. "

"And what did I want to believe? "

"The worst about him."

She stopped, feeling the sting of her father's words.

"You did take his side! I was angry at first, and I did ask to separate. But he was the one who tried to force us back together before I was ready. He was the one who decided to become a drunk when he didn't get his way!"

"He wasn't a drunk, Padme. That's one of the ways he let you believe the worst about him. He was too stubborn and hurt to tell you the truth. It was easier for him to accept you treating him like dirt under your feet because you thought he did those things. He couldn't handle you hating him for no reason."

"But he was! He was brought back to the Temple several times."

"Three times. One of those, he was completely sober. The other two were the only times he ever got drunk. The night you asked for the divorce and the night you pulled your other stunt."

"You're wrong! He would disappear for a days at a time, sometimes a week. Whenever I had the twins. I saw the injuries he came back with. He admitted he was drinking."

"When he disappeared, he was here with us. We all kept it a secret because he didn't want to come between you and us. He didn't want to put us into a difficult position. Being away from the twins was hard for him. When it was your week for visitation, he would come here for the company and to keep busy. There was a reasonable explanation for the injuries he got. He never admitted to anything, you just wanted to believe that's what he was doing."

"But..."

She tried to remember. He had readily confessed that he had too much to drink the night she asked for the divorce, wanting her to hear it from him and telling her it wouldn't happen again. Then the chaos with the lawyers began and they were working out a visitation schedule. He didn't adapt very well to that. It was hard for him, seeing them only half the time. He would drop them off for her turn and then noone would hear from him until he came to pick them up the following week. The third or fourth time he did that, he came to see the twins the night before he was supposed to pick them up. There was a bright red scar running along his jaw. He told her it was from a speeder accident. 

"Yes, he did. He barged into my apartment that evening, asking to take the twins then instead of in the morning, claiming he missed them. We argued when I refused and then he told me." 

Ruwee looked doubtful. "Did he, Padme? Really?" 

She closed her eyes and could see the tears in his as he leaned over the crib and touched each of their downy little heads. The fight in the living room when she told him to come back the next morning. Her changing the subject...

_"Where did you go this week?"_

"Away. I needed to see some open space. I needed to fly."

"How did you get that cut on your jaw?"

"Speeder accident."

"You got drunk and crashed, didn't you."

"No, I didn't. I'm too good to crash."

"You're arrogant." 

"And you assume too much." He turned his back on her and stormed for the door.

"Where are you going?" 

"I guess I'm going out to get drunk, apparently that's what I do."

"I hate you," she whispered. 

Without stopping, he yelled back to her, "I know." 

She was starting to see how much her anger clouded things.

"Oh Daddy, I was so stupid."

"Well, that made two of you. I told him to stop being a martyr, but he wouldn't hear it. Your mother and I tried to talk with the both of you on more than one occasion, but it never worked out. Neither one of you was interested in listening back then."

"But his nose was broken, his arm too. He had to be drunk to jump from his balcony."

"We were at a fair in Theed. Some woman tripped over Pooja and yelled at her. Anakin didn't take it very well and he ended up getting smacked in the face with her purse when he asked her to apologize. He jumped from a balcony, just not his. There was a fire and he was holding a little boy and his dog. He landed on his arm to avoid hurting them. The speeder accident was my fault. Anakin and I would tinker with my old bucket of rust sometimes. I forgot to tighten one of the bolts and a part flew off at him, gashing his jaw open. He was really distracted during that time period, making it hard for him to react to danger like he normally would. After you threatened to take the kids away, he decided to stop wallowing and get his life back. That's when he started teaching at the Temple and visiting us less. He still called every week, but he was trying to make it on his own."

"Did he talk to you about any of the women in his life recently?"

"The two of us became really close when he was going through all that. He told me I was like a father to him. So, yes. He still talked to me about everything. If you're referring to Ismay, Obi Wan and I were both trying to talk him out of that. He didn't love her the way he loved you, he was just wanting to provide a more stable home for the twins."

"Actually, I wanted to know who Trinia is and how you're involved."

"How did you find out about her? I'm not sure if he even told Obi Wan about her." 

"Anakin left me his journals and other personal things. Among them, was a letter from her to him. You were mentioned as being a big help, and she was thanking him for everything he did for her. Unless I interpreted it wrong, he bought her a house and she had his name for awhile. Would you care to tell me what that's all about?" 

Ruwee looked uneasy as he scrubbed his hand down his face. 

"Promise me that you'll keep this a secret. Your mother knows, of course, but not Sola and Darred or the girls. I'm not sure about Obi Wan, but it would probably be okay for him to know. Anakin was a little uncomfortable with the situation, but it was what he wanted to do. For years he has been laboring under the notion that he was responsible for the bad things that happened to a childhood friend of his. Helping Trinia was one of his ways of trying to make amends. He still carried the guilt, though. I'm not sure if he would have ever been able to let go of it all."

Padme could feel her stomach turn over. "Who was his friend, and what happened?"

"All I know is, her name was Cadia. He never shared much else, just that she suffered because of him. I think she's part of the reason why he blindly accepted your cruelty at times. He's been punishing himself for whatever happened." 

Cadia. The pretty girl with the forlorn eyes. What could Anakin have done to her that it affected him so profoundly and stayed with him all these years? He was only a child in that picture. Unless he met up with her again when he was older? What was it about her that made him so insecure, feel like such a failure?  
She felt drained and wanted to get back to the Lake House to find out once and for all, exactly what happened to Cadia. As soon as her father told her who Trinia was, she would do just that.

"What does this other woman have to do with Cadia? And why did she have his name?"

"Don't be jealous, Padme. It wasn't anything like that. She had his last name because it's one of the newer regulations. A slave is given their master's surname if they are being relocated offworld. Anakin had to legally sign off on her as Trinia Skywalker when he bought her."

"Bought her? Anakin would never..."

"No, he wouldn't. That's why he didn't want anyone to know about it, he was ashamed. His intentions were good, though. She didn't have much beyond the basics of education. He brought her here to go to the University. He wanted her to be educated and able to take care of herself. It was important to him that she learn how to write. He confided in me about her so that I could help. As one of her professors, I've had a direct hand in overseeing her studies. Plus, she's never lived alone before, it was a huge adjustment for her. Anakin saw to it that she got professional help with her anxieties, but your Mother and I were there for the simpler things. She never paid her own bills before or bought her own clothes, little things you or I take for granted. It was really hard in the beginning, but she is doing really well, now. He did a wonderful thing for her. "

"Why her?" 

"She's Cadia's sister."


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

It had been a long day, but Padme wasn't feeling tired. She was anxious to get the twins settled down so she could read Anakin's journal without interruption. The visit with her family wasn't too bad, all things considered, but her mind was still reeling from her father's revelations. After their talk, she had faced her mother and sister again and all of them took a step in the direction of forgiveness. Grieving for Anakin helped bring them together. As with the twins, she had a ways to go, but the relationship would heal in time.

When it was time to leave, even Ryoo and Pooja had given her hugs. She promised to visit again soon and everyone promised to hold onto the secret of Anakin's loss until the time came when it could be revealed. All of them had shared stories of him, and instead of being angry, she was pleased that they had taken him in, accepting him as part of the family even though she had tried to banish him. It had never been about choosing sides for them. They just followed their hearts and did the right thing.

After dinner, Luke helped with the dishes while Leia went to take a shower. As they finished up, she came out dressed in a nightgown, her hair wrapped up in a towel.

"Your turn Luke," she told him.

"But..." he started to protest but she folded her arms over her chest and pursed her lips. He lowered his head and muttered, "Okay, Leia" as he headed to the fresher.

Padme watched the exchange, seeing how easily Leia had managed to control Luke with a mere look. It made her uneasy to think they had learned this game of manipulation and acquiescence from watching her and Anakin. She began to understand his wanting Ismay in their lives to set a good example. If she had been more involved with them, she would have seen the way their interaction was disturbing at times. They obviously loved one another a great deal, but there was an underlying tension between them.  
One more thing for them to work on. She would have to handle Leia carefully, not wanting to damage what little progress they had made.

"Leia, honey, Luke is capable of making his own decisions. You don't have to push him to do what you want." 

"But Mommy, he doesn't always listen. We agreed to get ready for bed early so you could have time to think. But then he gets other ideas in his head and he forgets. You get mad at Daddy when he doesn't listen. You push him to do what you want. Luke needs to learn the right way to do things."

Leia's upturned face looked so innocent, in complete contrast to the hardness of her words. Padme sighed, wondering how to undo all this.

"I know you love your brother. When you love someone, you show them respect. Respect for their feelings, their wishes and their ability to make the choices that are right for them. I loved Daddy, but I didn't give him the respect he deserved. I was wrong. Please don't make the mistakes I did. Be nice to Luke."

"You sound like Daddy and Uncle Obi Wan. I thought it would make you happy to see that I can handle Luke."

The disappointment and confusion on her little face made Padme's guilt rise once again.

"We shouldn't try to _handle_ the people we love. I was wrong to do that all these years. I'm sorry I haven't been a good role model for you. Be kind to Luke, he's a lot like your daddy, he'd do anything for you. All you have to do is ask, not demand."

Leia thought a few minutes before nodding her head.

"Okay. Mommy? If Daddy were to come back, would you be kind to him?" 

"Of course. If he were here, I'd have a lot of lost time to make up for. And I would."

Leia bit her lip and wandered over to the window to look out at the sky. After a few minutes, she slowly walked back to Padme, studying her as she approached.  
Padme hugged her close before pulling away to look at her.

"What is it, Leia?"

She opened her mouth, but hesitated before speaking.

"Nothing Mommy, just thinking is all. Can we watch the news clips of Daddy again? We'll be quiet."

"Of course. C'mon and I'll help you."

------------------------------

With the twins in their room for the night, Padme retrieved the hand written journal and brought it to the kitchen where a pot of tea waited. She poured a cup of the steaming liquid and sipped it carefully, hoping it would help to calm her stomach. Now that she was about to look into Anakin's past, her nerves were on edge. Once she faced the reality of what his life was like, there would be no going back. Whatever truths she learned, would be carried within her forever. It was only a matter of time before she was vindicated or convicted. With all the things she had learned about Anakin today, she had a feeling it would be the latter.

_My name is Anakin Skywalker and I'm seven years old. I don't like writing much, but Cadia has been working hard teaching me so I will do this to make her happy. She says some day I will be glad to be able to look back at these memories but I'm not so sure. After I'm a pilot and fly us all away from here, there will be no reason to ever look back. But, this was important enough to her that she somehow managed to get the money to buy this book for me so I will try my best._

What do I want to remember? Mom says we've been here since I was three. One of my first memories is meeting Cadia. I wanted to touch her hair, the sun shinning through it made it look like the sugar candy in the market. I was sad that it wasn't. Trinia was there that day, too. It's funny how the mind works. The three of us were inseparable for two years but now I'm having a hard time remembering what she looked like. She's been gone almost two years now. Sometimes I want to ask Cadi about her, but it hurts her to talk about.

I always knew we were slaves, but I didn't understand exactly what it meant until the day Trini and her mom were sold to a man from the other side of the planet. At first I was excited that Watto was buying Cadi, so she could spend all day at the shop with me. I didn't realize that she would never get to see her mom or sister again. I don't know what I would do if Mom and I were ever separated. Sometimes I can't sleep because of thinking about it.

Cadi used to stay awake, too. She cried softly, the first few nights she was here. I thought it would be fun, having her live with us, but hearing her cry made my stomach hurt. We don't mention it anymore, but I know it still bothers her. Her old home is only four doors away from ours and sometimes I catch her looking at it like she's expecting her mom or Trini to come out at any moment.

It seems the stuff I feel like I have to write down, is all the stuff I don't really want to remember at all. Maybe once I get it out, I can forget it. 

Many of the entries were about Anakin's daily life. Life was much harder for him than she had realized or he ever let on. His days were long and Watto was often cruel, but he always seemed to find something good in each day, no matter how small.

_I didn't feel well today, but I dragged myself to the shop anyway. I figured it was better to risk getting sick all over myself than to take a beating for being disobedient. Cadia came and brought me soup and it helped some. Things didn't go good, though. A customer brought in an engine that should have been junked a long time ago. He insisted it could be fixed and Watto agreed. I spent all day rebuilding it and by some miracle, it worked. The man was pleased when he came to pick it up and he patted me hard on the back to congratulate me for fixing it. Bad idea. I was feeling really ill by then and the movement made my stomach lurch. The man's pants and boots were ruined and Watto had to give him the engine back free of charge. The beating I was trying to avoid came anyway._

The good thing is, I started to feel a little better once I got sick and I was allowed to leave a little earlier than normal. The suns were setting as I walked home and it was really beautiful. I'm lucky I got to see them, instead of being stuck inside the shop. 

Anakin was the same warm, kind hearted little boy Padme first met, but there was an underlying frustration in him. He worried about his mother and Cadia, wanting to be able to provide a better life for them but being powerless to change their situation. He dreamed of becoming a pilot or a professional pod racer and taking them far away.  
There was also a painful longing inside him that he shared with noone except Cadia.

_I was watching the blood drops mix with the sand when I felt her behind me. I always know when it's her. She rubbed my head like she usually does and came around to look at my face._

"Oh Ani, not again," she whispered as she took out a soft cloth and held it up to my nose. "Greedo and those boys?" she asked, but I didn't answer. She already knew.

We went home and she helped me clean up so Mom wouldn't see. I didn't cry until after and I was mad at myself for not being able to hold it in. She rocked me in her arms and I wished she was my real sister. She understands somewhat. Her father was sold six years ago, when Cadia was eight, so she at least remembers him.

It only bothers me a little when they call me a bastard. What really hurts is the names they call Mom. They look down on her because of me. It's my fault. I wouldn't fight if it was just about me but when they say those awful things about her, I can't stop myself. I wish I had a father.

She was sitting on the bed next to him, trying to calm him so he could fall asleep.

"Cadi? Will you tell me about him? What it was like?"

She sighed and tilted her head to the side, smiling sadly.

"I always felt safe in his arms. There was never any yelling, even when I did something bad. He would kneel down or lift me up so we would be on eye level with each other and he would talk to me. More importantly, he listened. Even though I was little, he never made me feel small. I'll never forget the sound of his laughter or the feel of his hand wrapped around mine." 

"I'll be like that someday, Cadi. I don't care what any of them say, I can be a good father even though I never had one." 

She rubbed his cheek with her thumb. "I know you will, Anakin. Maybe someday you and Trinia..."

"No, not Trini. She's like you, like my sister. What I remember anyway. Besides, her hair is the color of yours and my wife is going to have brown hair."

She giggled then. "What makes you think that?"

"Because, I can see her in my dreams sometimes. Her face is always turned away, but her hair is dark and curly. I know it's her."

"You're so serious sometimes, little man. It seems like just yesterday you were just a tiny thing, you and Trini running around together, the best of friends."

"I've forgotten a lot about her. I'm not sure if what I know about her is from my memory or is just what I've been told about her."

"The two of you were cute together. Being the same age, it was like having twins running around. You tired everyone out."

"I'd like to have twins someday. It would be so much fun!"

She shook her head, laughing quietly. His childish exuberance never ceased to amaze her.

"You better watch what you wish for, Anakin. It just might come true."

"I hope so."

"Twins would be double everything, double the mess, the noise, the work..." 

"Double the love," he smiled.

She pulled his covers up and ruffled his hair once more. "You will make an excellent father someday. As long as you hold onto the goodness in your heart, that's all you'll need."

As his eyes slowly closed, she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.

"I love you, Anakin."

His response was slow and sleepy. "Goodnight. I love you, Cadia."

_Why am I different? It seemed like it was only little things, like knowing stuff before it happens or maneuvering a pod around the track without thinking so much. Today I did something new and it scared me a little. Cadia stumbled on a rock and her ankle made this sickening popping sound. It started to swell right away and she was in a lot of pain. When I tried to feel if it was broken, something weird happened to me. There was a tingling in my chest and I could feel the pain she was in. My hands got warm and I told her to look at me and concentrate.  
Slowly, the pain lessened and the swelling went down. I still don't know how I did it, but Cadia thinks maybe I was meant to be a healer. I thought they were only in stories, but maybe not. Anyway, I'm going to be a pilot someday and we both agreed not to tell anyone what happened. Not even Mom. If Watto were to find out... well, I don't want to think about it. _

The more Padme read, the more apparent it became how much Anakin and Cadia loved and depended on one another. Every wish, hope and dream he had, included her. Whenever one of them had a bad day, the other was waiting with open arms and words of encouragement. She and Sola had been close like that once, although their life of comfort did not lead to as strong a bond as Anakin and Cadia's life of desolation had.

From everything she already knew, something unfortunate happened to Cadia. Padme understood now how devastating it must have been for him and why he would have been affected for the rest of his life. What she didn't know was, why he felt such guilt over it. Clearly, he was only a little boy. A little boy with almost no control over his own life, let alone anyone else's. What could he have done? Was he truly at fault or did those feelings stem from his unrealistic expectations of himself?

The tea cooled and her eyes grew weary as she made her way through the pages that documented Anakin's heartache. His only mistake had been having hope and giving his trust to someone who didn't deserve it. Even if he had been much older and more experienced, he still couldn't have been blamed for that. But he did blame himself. For everything, even Cadia's death which he had no way of stopping.

She remembered the death of his mother and his frustration at not being powerful enough to save her. His pain and feelings of inadequacy were overwhelming. It must have been horrible for him, experiencing something like that as a child. His irrational fear of her dying in childbirth started to make sense. Her anger with him had grown because he was controlling, forcing her to return to Naboo with jedi escorts watching her at all times. Now she could understand why he was trying desperately to protect her, even though she felt smothered at the time.

Holding the book close to her heart, she made her way to the bedroom. After placing it safely in a drawer, she went into the fresher and stripped off her clothing. Once the doors to the shower were closed and the water was running down her face, she finally let go. Her tears were for Cadia and little Bastion, but mostly for Anakin. Anakin and the suffering he had endured all these years, the suffering he put himself through in a futile attempt at atonement for sins he didn't commit.

_There was a man waiting outside the shop this morning. He was anxiously shifting his weight back and forth from foot to foot. I said hi to him and he asked if this was Watto's place.  
One and only, I told him and he followed me inside. I watched as he looked around at the junk and mess, his expression doubtful. _

"Is there something I can help you with?"

He gave me a funny look.

"Is Watto your father? I've got business with him." he asked.

"No, he's my master. He'll come in later."

"Oh." He glanced around some more, the look of doubt increasing. "Well, can you tell me what time you expect Mr. Skywalker in?"

"Mr. Skywalker?" I repeated. It sounded so formal, so old. "Sure, but why are you looking for him?"

He rolled his eyes in annoyance, I was obviously wasting his time.

"I have a delicate piece of equipment that's giving me trouble. Several people told me Mr. Skywalker would be the one to help. My schedule is very tight. If you could just tell me when to come back..."

I held out my hand to him, "Anakin Skywalker, at your service." 

His reaction was the same as all the rest. After explaining that I was the person he was looking for, he opened his bag and handed me a small device, his face still uncertain.

"Be careful with that, they're hard to come by anymore. Have you seen one of these before? For some reason, it won't advance."

"Its called a camera, right? I can fix anything."

He relaxed a bit but watched closely as I removed the back. Inside, one of the small pins on the reel had broken off, jamming it and there was sand inside. It didn't take long to clean it out and solder in a new pin. I wiped it off gently and handed it back to him.

"Here, try it. It should be good as new. Just don't open the back outdoors anymore, the sand could damage the lens."

He looked skeptical at first, but then he smiled at me when it worked.

"What do I owe you?"

"Nothing," I shrugged. "It wasn't much work."

He handed me some coins, telling me to keep them.

"I travel around a lot, taking pictures of different things for clients. I have a holo box, but some people like the results the older way produces. 'Specially with portraits. You know what that means?"

I nodded. Did he think I was stupid?

"Well, my current client is looking for someone to play a part. A pretty girl, of legal age. You know anyone like that?"

Something about this man didn't feel right, but I wasn't sure why. He seemed nice enough.

"Why? What do you mean, play a part?"

"Well, if you've ever seen advertisements or holo movies, you'll know what I mean. Models and actresses can make a lot of money. My client wants someone who isn't spoiled and has a good way about her. If I find the right girl, it could mean a lot of good fortune."

Cadia was pretty, but she wouldn't be fifteen until next month, right after my eighth birthday. Could this man make her rich and famous? Would it take her away from all the hardships she faced? If anyone deserved a better life, it was Cadia.

As I was thinking it over, she and Watto arrived. The man seemed happy to see them, especially her.

"Mr. Watto?" he asked, not taking his eyes off her. "I'm here to discuss the ad you responded to."

Watto was happy. "Yes! Come to my office, we'll talk in private. Boy, watch the store!" 

Cadia smiled at me but she looked tired. Every morning she got up early so she could get to Watto's house to clean up and make him breakfast. I started thinking, maybe the man could help her. 

"That man is looking for a new model. You could do it, Cadi. When he comes back out, let him take your picture."

She laughed and asked what I was talking about. After I explained it, she looked a little unsure.

"Why me? Besides, I won't be legal for another month. Do you think he's alright?"

I pushed away the thoughts I had earlier. It's hard for a slave to trust people, I was probably overreacting because of that.

"Sure. He could do good things for you Cadia. Let him take your picture when he comes out. Please?"

She looked a little nervous but she agreed. "Only if you'll be in the picture with me. I trust your instincts, Anakin. If you say it's okay, then I'll do it." 

_The man promised to bring us back a copy of the picture he took, the next time he comes here. He said we might not hear right away, but he had good feelings about Cadia. I hope she gets the part. Or any part, just something that would be enough money for Watto to free her. I would miss her a lot, but she deserves a better life than this one._

Anakin was putting the finishing touches on the bracelet he was making for Cadia's birthday when a tall, dark haired man entered the shop. Obviously an offworlder, his clothing was of good quality but the heavy fabric and dark colors were a bit too much for the blazing suns of Tatooine. After surveying the room and it's contents, his gaze settled on Anakin and he smiled.

"I'm here to see Watto. Is he in yet?"

"He's out in the yard, working on the inventory. You can go out if you want, or I can get him."

"Thank you, I'll see to it myself," he extended a hand. "I'm Reen."

Anakin shook his hand slowly, trying to read the man, convinced something was hiding behind his forced smile.

"Anakin Skywalker. Nice to meet you."

Reen headed out the door and Anakin resumed his work on the present. Watto had dealings with many strange characters over the years. This man was just another, he figured.

Anakin was working on a memory processor for a B9 unit when Watto and Reen finally came in from the yard. He pretended to be engrossed in the project while stealing glances at them. They were happy, both of them discussing the mutual benefits of the deal they had struck as they headed for the front door.

"Boy, keep an eye on things until I return," Watto called back as they stepped out into the sunlight.

He just nodded silently, concentrating on his work and wondering what was keeping Cadia so long. The work at Watto's house never kept her this late before. Time alone without Watto breathing down their necks was rare, and he hoped she would come soon so they could enjoy it.

As it turned out, she and Watto arrived at the shop together a few hours later. By then, Anakin had burned off most of his nervous energy by finishing all of his work and reorganizing the shelves of parts. He was relieved to see her safe and sound and he scolded himself for worrying too much. The relief disappeared and the cold hand of fear squeezed his insides when he really looked at her. Her shoulders were slumped, making her look smaller than she was and her arms were wrapped around her middle in a protective stance. She was deathly pale, but it was her eyes that frightened him the most. They were lifeless as she just stared ahead, not focusing on anything.

Watto hovered near for a minute, taking in all the work Anakin had accomplished in his absence. Waving his arm, he said, "You can go home early. Be sure she prepares for tomorrow." With that, he went into his office, closing the door behind him.

Anakin walked toward her, waiting for some response. None came. She kept staring just beyond him. He reached out to touch her cheek and she finally acknowledged his presence, taking his hand in hers.

"What's wrong?" he asked in a shaky voice.

She lifted her eyes to meet his, but the sparkle was still gone from them. In a small voice, barely above a whisper, she told him, "I've been sold."


	17. Chapter 17

**Hi Again! Thanks for the reviews. **

**I just wanted to respond quickly to the mention of Anakin's journals being a little mature for a seven year old. Actually, by this point when he is telling Cadia's story, he is nine and has been writing for two years now- not a huge difference in age, but still a difference. Anakin is intelligent and he had to grow up faster than a normal child so that lends itself to his point of view being a little more insightful, too. But with that said, the actual words he wrote are in italics and they aren't too complicated. The rest of the story is revealed as Padme reads it and fleshes it out in her mind, adding a deeper dimension to it as well. **

**Without anymore delay, here is the rest of Cadia's fate...**

Chapter 17

_Mom says to keep it, that someday I'd regret destroying it. She thinks someday it will be a happy memory, but she's wrong. I'll hold onto it, not for the reasons she thinks though. It will be tucked away as a reminder of my failure, my weakness. Everytime I see it, I will remember her pain and the fact that I was the cause of it. It will help me to never forget, never make such a crucial mistake again. I couldn't forget even if I wanted to.  
Cadia was her sweet self to the end, telling me there was nothing to forgive. How could she say that? She trusted me, depended on me and I messed it all up. I don't deserve forgiveness._

She held his hand tightly as they walked home. Her voice was so soft, Anakin had to listen carefully to hear what she was saying.

"As I was cleaning up breakfast, Watto put a slip of paper on the counter next to me. He said I was to head over to the medic's office for a physical. After, I had to return to finish the chores and wait for him. When he came back, he brought a man named Reen with him. He's my new master."

Anakin bit the inside of his cheek in an effort to hold onto control, keeping the panic rising inside him at bay for a few moments longer.

"I met him earlier. Where is he from?"

"Corellia."

They walked in silence as he worked up the courage to ask the question he didn't want the answer to. When he finally managed to speak, his voice was even softer than hers.

"When?"

She laughed, but it was a harsh sound. "That's the good news, Anakin. For now, we're staying here while he takes care of some project. After that, I don't know. He's rented a small house, not far from town, so we'll still be able to see each other every day. I'm to cook and clean for him when he's not away on business."

Anakin stopped abruptly, throwing himself against her. She curled her arms around him in response and the two of them stood holding onto one another tightly. Tears of relief streamed down his cheeks.

"We don't have to say goodbye, Cadia. Not yet, anyway. It's going to be okay."

She pulled back and looked down at him. Wiping the tears from her own eyes, she nodded at him.

"It's going to be okay, Anakin."

Taking her hand in his again, he lead them home, telling himself he didn't see the look of doubt on her face or the shadow of fear in her eyes.

_She's been with Reen for almost a week now and things aren't much different at all. The weird feeling I get around him sometimes is probably just because he's trying to hide things about his work. I can tell he's a smuggler, even if he won't admit it. Cadia says he's been kind to her so far. He seems nice. Today is her birthday, and Mom and I are invited to dinner to celebrate. I've never heard of a master doing something like that. Maybe this is the miracle I've been hoping for and she'll finally be happy._

He flipped his pillow over to the cool side as he rolled over. It was the rest day and he wanted nothing more than to block out the noise that was bothering him so he could sleep in. Something was wrong. Even in his semi conscious state, he knew it. He struggled to grab at the wispy edges of reality that was just beyond his awareness, but his dreams kept pulling him back in.

The party. There had been real meat with vegetables for dinner and even a birthday cake. Cadia was happy. She loved the bracelet that had taken him months to gather the precious metals to make. He and his mother had walked home with a sense of peace, knowing she was safe and cared for. It was a beautiful night. What could be so wrong this morning that his mind was trying deperately to pull him away from the memories?

He kicked off the thin blanket while trying to count how many glasses of punch he drank. As he was enjoying the fruity sweetness of the drink, it suddenly struck him, startling him fully awake. Cadia was in pain. He stumbled out of bed and quickly dressed. As he stood in the doorway, he could see his mother slowly rocking her in her arms.

"Shh..." she whispered, stroking the girl's hair as she cried softly.

Needing to know what happened and wanting to help, he ran to them.

"Cadi, what's wrong?" He reached out to touch her, but she flinched.

"Please go away, Anakin. I just need to talk to Shmi right now."

"But..." he started to protest but his mother glared at him.

"Ani, outside! Now!"

He walked slowly to the door, feeling incredibly hurt and confused. They had never shunned him before. If Cadia was hurt, he could help. Why didn't they want him?

The morning sun was already getting hot, but he didn't seek shelter from it. Instead, he stood by the door, closing his eyes and trying to feel what was going on inside. Bits and pieces of their conversation drifted out to him and he began to feel sick to his stomach.

"...isn't your fault, you didn't choose this."

"...it hurt...so ashamed...what will Anakin think?"

"...loves you...he'll hurt with you..."

"...makes me a whore...belong in those houses."

"...no choice...do what we must to survive...so do they..."

"He seemed nice...just waiting for me to turn..."

Anakin covered his ears, but he could still hear them in his head. He knew what they were talking about, knew what Reen had done to his Cadia. He was torn between wanting to run away and needing to go back inside to comfort her. Instead, he moved into the shade and sank to the ground. With his knees to his chest, he buried his face in his hands, remembering the conversation he and Cadia had not long ago.

It had been after one of his fights, and their talk of fathers had somehow ended up with him asking why a mother needed a father to have a baby anyway. She did her best to skirt the issue, giving vague explanations, but he wouldn't have it. He was old enough to know, he insisted, so she told him how babies were made. And then she laughed at his reaction.

With his nose wrinkled like he was smelling something bad, he said, "Yuck, why would anyone want to do that?"

"Well Anakin, there has to be something about it thats good since so many men are willing to pay money at those houses. Mom said the best thing is to wait until you love someone, then it's beautiful. If you don't love the person, it's just something to do. I don't fully understand it all myself, but I will someday, and so will you."

"Beautiful? If you say so," he looked at her as though she were crazy. He thought for a few minutes more. "Cadi? In those stories you tell me sometimes, with the knights and princess, is that what they mean when they say happily ever after?"

She nodded. "Something like that, I suppose. Ani, you're too young to worry about such things, there will be plenty of time when you get older. Just remember that you should be in love and get married first, so it will be better. I hope it can be that way for me," her voice sounded sad.

"Of course it will. Why wouldn't it?"

"Because I'm a slave, Anakin. We don't always have the choice. Watto could make a lot of money selling me to one of those houses. Once I'm fifteen, he might do that."

The resignation in her voice scared him. "No, you don't belong there. He wouldn't." Just the thought made him angry.

"Noone belongs there, but they are. And he might. It's a fact I have to accept and be ready for. Most female slaves don't fall in love or get married. My mom and dad were together before the slave raids on our village, otherwise my mom might have ended up in one of those places and Trinia and I could have been born into that life. At least I've had a chance at something else."

He threw his arms around her, resting his head on her shoulder.

"No, I don't want that to happen to you. Your knight will come someday. You deserve a happily ever after."

They rocked in each other's arms for awhile. She smoothed his hair and whispered, "I love you, Anakin. You're going to be a good man when you grow up. I know it."

He shook off the memory and wiped away his tears. His heart hurt for her. First she had lost her family, and now Reen had taken away her dreams of being loved. He had taken more than just her dreams, but Anakin didn't want to think too much about that. It made him want to throw up. He stood and brushed the sand from his clothing before going into the house.

His mom was wringing out a cloth at the sink and Cadia was staring at her hands that were folded in her lap. He went to his mother, taking the cloth from her before sitting next to the shaking girl. She looked up at him with shame in her eyes as he gently wiped her cheeks. Once again, they ended up in each other's arms, this time with him smoothing her hair. Shmi watched them for a few minutes before quietly slipping out the door.

He finally let go so he could look at her. "Are you okay? Did he hurt you?"

She gave him half a smile and reached for his hand. "You always know, don't you? I'll be okay. He wasn't mean. And at least he was quick about it. I..." her words were cut off as she choked back a sob.

Anakin squeezed her hand. "He's no knight, is he?"

"No, I'm afraid not."

They sat in silence as he tried to think of something to say that could make her feel better. Realizing that probably nothing would make it better, he decided to speak from the heart.

"I love you, Cadia and this doesn't change who you are. You can still find someone to love. Maybe even Reen will turn out to be a better man than we think right now. But don't give up the hope for something more. I'll get us away from here someday. I promise. Just hang in there and hold your head high until that time comes. I know it's not what you wanted, but it could be worse. He's only one man. At the houses, there would be hundreds. It'll be okay. I'll be here for you, no matter what."

He didn't realize he was crying until she put her hands on his cheeks, using her thumbs to trace the trail of tears.

"I think I understand now, what my mother meant when she spoke about waiting for love. Wait for it Anakin. And make sure she loves you."

"I will."

"I know you will. I love you, little man."

_Things are back to as normal as they're going to be now. Cadia visits me at the shop every day and she gets to come over a lot. It's almost like she's a free person. Reen has given her a small allowance to buy things she needs or wants and she can come and go as she pleases. He's turning out to be nicer than I thought but I still don't like what he did to her. She says she's let it go, so I guess I'll have to, too. At times she even seems happy. There is still that look in her eyes sometimes, but she's making the best of the situation. They're friends now, maybe they're learning to love one another. Maybe things will work out._

It was almost two months since the night of the birthday party, and life had settled into a familiar routine. Cadia would visit Anakin at the shop and home almost every day, but it wasn't unusual for her to occasionally miss a day in order to catch up on her own chores for Reen and the house they were staying in. It wasn't until she didn't show up for two days in a row, that Anakin started to worry. The workload at Watto's had been heavy, and Anakin left the shop too late to go to her house to check on her. When she didn't come in the third day, he asked to leave early. Knowing the boy would not be much use to him in his distracted mindset, Watto reluctantly agreed to let him go.

After running all the way, anxious to see her, he was disapointed when a woman about his mother's age answered the door. Before giving him a chance to speak, she smiled at him, saying, "You must be Anakin. If you're looking for Cadia, she left early this morning to run some errands. I think she was planning on going to your house afterward, so you might find her there."

He took off running in the direction of home, yelling a quick thank you over his shoulder as he left. When he arrived almost a half hour later, sweaty and out of breath, he was relieved to see the two of them sitting at the table, sipping cool drinks. They stopped talking and he wondered what they were hiding from him.

"Is something wrong? Cadia, why didn't you come to see me?"

His mother stood. "You're home early, Ani. Go clean up and then you can keep her company while I run to the market."

Cadia nodded and he headed to the fresher knowing they were up to something. After he washed, he came out to find his mother had already gone.

"Come sit with me, Anakin," she patted the seat next to her. "I have something to tell you."

He did as she asked, crossing his arms against his chest as he sat down. "What's going on?"

She took a deep breath. "Stop frowning Anakin, your face might stick that way. I'm sorry I couldn't come to see you, I was a little busy. I had to go to the medic and then Reen and I went to Anchorhead to see about hiring someone to help with things. We didn't get back until late last night. Her name is Tao, she's very nice. You'll meet her soon and..."

"Something is wrong, what's going on?" he asked again, interupting her.

"Patience never has been one of your strengths, has it?" She smiled but looked around nervously. "Well, I guess it's best if I just come out with it. Anakin, I'm pregnant."

He jerked back as though he had been burned, his eyes darting to her stomach to see if there was any evidence that what she was saying was true. Seeing that she still looked the same, he slowly raised his eyes to meet hers. There was fear and uncertainty in hers, and he struggled to find something to say, something to tell her that would make this all right. Instead, the first question to come to his mind tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop it.

"Is he going to marry you?"

She seemed taken aback by the question and the edge to his voice. "I don't think so. He didn't mention it." Anakin's face fell and he looked like he wanted to cry. "He's happy about the baby though," she added hopefully.

Anakin just shook his head. "He should marry you now or the baby is going to be a bastard like me. They'll say bad things about you, Cadia. I don't want them to say those things about you!"

His lips were trembling and she put her hands on his shoulders to calm him. "It'll be okay. People calling me names is the least of my worries, Ani. Even though we get along now, it's still hard for me to accept what he does to me every night. I don't want to marry him. But I want this baby. Be happy for me, please. I'm scared and I'm going to need your strength. Please Ani?"

He relaxed a little and hugged her close. "I'm sorry, Cadi. I just don't want you or the baby to suffer because... I'm sorry. I will be happy for you."

She kissed his cheek. "Thank you. It'll be good, you'll see."

He couldn't tell if she was trying to convince him or herself. "I would marry you. I would make things right for you."

She laughed softly. "Eight year olds don't get married, Anakin."

The look of earnestness on his face brought tears to her eyes. "On some worlds they do."

"Not humans, though. Besides, my hair is the wrong color, remember?"

That brought a smile to his face. "I'll be fine, Anakin. With you by my side, everything will work out."

"I'm sure you'll be fine," he repeated as he embraced her again, hoping she wouldn't see that he was lying.

He worried about her a lot the first few months. She was pale, sickly, and she slept most of the time. On the rare occasion she was awake and feeling well enough for company, she seemed excited about the idea of becoming a mother. Anakin still wondered how things would be for her and the baby if Reen changed his mind and decided he didn't want them anymore, but he kept his misgivings to himself.

About the time that her stomach took on a slight rounding, she began to feel better and be more her old self. Anakin went to the medic with her and together, they heard the baby's heartbeat. For the first time, he felt the joy and excitement she did. The doubt was slowly replaced by the hope and enthusiasm Cadia had.

Another month passed, and she placed his hand against her so he could feel the faint flutter of the life.

"There's really a baby in there!" he hugged her tightly.

As time went by, his fascination with her pregnancy and excitement at the thought of being an uncle grew. He couldn't wait to meet the baby. Just as he had let go of all his concerns and was truly happy for her, she started to have her own doubts. Some of the same questions that had plagued him, started nagging at the back of her mind. What would she do if Reen tired of her or the baby? Tao was only there to help out until she gave birth. How was she going to run the house and take care of everything that needed to be done with an infant?

Anakin always seemed to sense when she was getting too anxious, and he would rub her back and offer words of encouragement. Now he was the one telling her everything would be okay. As the baby grew, she started to wonder how much bigger she could get. It was starting to get hard for her to walk, and she rarely left the house. Every day when Anakin stopped to visit, he found her crying.

"What's the matter, Cadi?" He reached out to rub her belly gently. She shook her head and cried harder. "C'mon now, it can't be all that bad. I think you've already worried about everything you could possibly worry about. Yesterday you were afraid the baby would have too much hair, the day before you worried it would be bald. You cried all last week because you couldn't see your feet anymore. What else is there?"

She laughed and her crying slowed, turning into hiccups. "You're making fun of me," she moaned.

"No, I'd never make fun of a moody pregnant woman. Now tell me what's bothering you today."

"Look how big I am, how big the baby is." He smiled and nodded, waiting to hear the problem. "This baby has to come out somehow. I don't want to give birth!" A new flood of tears started and Anakin didn't know how to deal with this new fear. Usually he could make a joke, but this fear was far more real.

He thought for a few minutes before it came to him. "Ask Reen if I can be with you when the baby comes. I can help you, remember? I can bear some of the pain for you."

She sniffed and swiped at her eyes with the back of her hands. "But they might find out your secret. They can't know, Anakin. Watto would exploit your gift."

He waved a hand, dismissing the thought. "Let's not worry about that. It'll be okay. They'll just think I'm keeping you calm. They won't know what we're doing."

"But the pain is going to be bad..."

"I can take it. If you can do it, I can. Ask Reen. He'll let me be there. We get along good now. Just ask him, okay?"

"Okay."

_When I stopped to see her today, she was having pains. Tao said the time could be soon. I'm scared. What if I can't help her as much as she needs?_

It was just after dinner when Reen came to get Anakin and Shmi. He was so excited, he looked ready to burst.

"It's time! She's calling for you Anakin, are you ready? It could be a long night."

"Yes sir, I'm ready," he said with a confidence he didn't quite feel.

When they arrived at the house, Cadia was in bed, covered with a thin sheet. Her hair was pulled up in a tail, making her look even younger than she was and her face was glossy with sweat. She smiled weakly at them and held her hand out for Anakin. Tao took him aside before he could go to her. She looked worried.

"Try to keep her calm. I think the baby is large and she's small. I'm afraid she isn't going to have an easy time of it. She's going to be in a lot of pain. Are you sure you can handle it? If you get scared..."

"I won't. Everything is going to be fine."

Everything is going to be fine, he told himself a few more times, as he closed his eyes and tried to find that warmth inside him.

Shmi was on one side of her, wiping her face with a cloth and Anakin took her hand on the other. She looked tired already.

"How are you feeling?"

She rolled her eyes at him. "Do you have to ask?"

"Is it bad?"

"It wasn't at first. The last few pains were awful. I felt like I was being ripped apart."

He held up his right hand, showing her the small crescent scar on his palm. She smiled and held out her hand with it's matching scar.

"I'm here. I won't leave you," he whispered. She nodded quickly before her face contorted in pain.

"It's happening again!" she started to panic.

"Shh.. look at me and concentrate, Cadi. It's going to be okay."

By the time the first contraction he shared with her was over, he realized he never knew just how long three minutes could be.

After the first hour, his body was covered in sweat and he had a new respect for his mother. He silently reminded himself to tell her how much he loved her when the ordeal was over.

When the second hour passed, he knew that he didn't want to have twins. In fact, he was positive that he was never going to do this again. There was no way he wanted to be responsible for putting someone he loved through this much pain.

Sometime during the third hour, he wondered how many pounds of pressure a human hand could take before the bones crushed.

After the fourth hour, the contractions started coming faster and lasting longer. He wasn't sure how anyone lived through this and he couldn't believe that he was only experiencing half the torture.

As the sixth hour came and went, he was pretty sure he didn't like Reen anymore. In fact, he decided he hated him.

After that, he lost track of time as he got caught up in the swirling mass of misery that people referred to as the miracle of childbirth. It was a miracle that anybody was crazy enough to do this more than once, he thought.

Just as he was becoming convinced that the clock had stopped and Cadia began to whimper that she couldn't do this anymore, Tao announced that it was time to push.

Pushing, that's good, his tired mind told him. "It's almost over, Cadi, you're doing great," he heard himself tell her.

When the next contraction came, he discovered that pushing was not that good after all. In fact, he could really do without it. Unfortunately, Tao had other ideas and she kept barking the order to push, over and over. He also discovered that one man's definition of almost over, was another woman's definition of two more hours of intense agony.

The final thing he learned from the birth was, just when you thought you knew what agony and suffering were, someone yells "here comes the head" and takes it to another level.

"One more push, and you'll be a mother, Cadia," Tao said.

"I can't, " was the weak reply.

"You can and you will," Anakin heard himself say with a strength he didn't have. "Look at me. Breathe and push," he told her as she squeezed his hand and screamed.

She fell back against the pillows and closed her eyes as the wailing of her newborn filled the air.

"It's a boy!" Tao announced and Reen shouted.

Anakin took a deep breath, relieved that the pain was finally, mercifully over. He stroked her cheek gently and she slowly opened her eyes. "You did so good, Cadi. I'm proud of you." She just smiled weakly, too tired to speak.

Reen came over to the side of the bed, his son snug in his arms. "He's perfect, Cadia. Look at him."

She gave only the slightest nod before closing her eyes once again.

"Do you want to hold him?" Reen asked Anakin. "She couldn't have done it without you, son. I can't thank you enough."

If you only knew, Anakin thought as the baby was placed in his arms. He was perfect, his features so much like Cadia's. Anakin was in awe of the tiny creature and he decided immediately that he was worth all the work and pain. In fact, all he felt now was a deep exhaustion, the pain seemed so far removed. He handed the baby back to his father, afraid he was going to fall asleep and drop him. He stood on shaky legs and made his way to the fresher to wash up. When he was finished, he made it as far as the hallway, stopping to lean up against the wall for a minute's rest. As he slid down to the floor, his last thought was that maybe he would have twins someday, afterall.

_Reen let Cadia name the baby Bastion Anakin, after her father and me. He's such a good baby and she is happier than I've ever seen her. His birth was difficult, but I'm glad I got to be there and could help. It was an amazing experience that I will never forget. I can't wait to see my own child born someday._

Anakin came to see Cadia and Bastion every day. He loved holding the little boy and marveling over just how amazing he was. Cadia was tired from being awake with him most of the night, but she had gotten her color back after losing a lot of blood during the birth. Bastion liked being held by Anakin. It was a sure bet that he would stop fussing and fall asleep once he was cradled against his uncle's chest. Life was blissful until the day that Reen came home and announced his business was almost complete and they would be returning to Corellia soon, when Bastion turned six weeks old.

It was an unexpected blow that hit Anakin especially hard. He tried to be strong for Cadia, though, telling her the stories he had heard about how beautiful Corellia was.  
He smiled for her, and told her that someday they would see each other again. That she could send him holos as Bastion grew and he would write letters. It wasn't until he left her side, that he let the tears come. Without her and the baby, he was going to be lost.

She expressed the same feelings of sadness and loss, but he insisted she try to be happy. She was going to a new life, on a planet that was perfect for raising a baby. That was most important.

As the day grew near, he pointed out the scar on his palm again, and traced hers with his finger. Scars they had given each other in the sacred ritual of his mother's people. A ceremony that combined their blood and sealed them as brother and sister of the heart. Their secret pledge to love and take care of one another for eternity.

"No matter how far apart we are, we will always have these," he reminded her. "We'll be together again someday."

It was then that they stopped trying to be strong, and they fell into each other's arms and cried. They clung to each other until Bastion's own cries brought them back to their reality. After he was changed and fed, Anakin held him close while Cadia sung him to sleep once again. Determined not to waste one precious moment, they sat awake together throughout the night, repeating the routine each time the baby woke. When Shmi came to check on Anakin the next morning, she found the three of them curled up together on a pallet on the floor. Three innocent children who needed one another more than anyone could understand.

The morning that they were to leave for Corellia, Anakin woke up early from a bad dream. He couldn't remember much, only that Cadia and Bastion were both screaming. He was too busy trying to hold himself together to concern himself with it, so he shrugged it off. Saying goodbye to his sister and nephew was going to be the hardest thing he would ever have to do. Skipping breakfast, he hurried on his way to their house, determined to be brave enough for both of them.

When he got there, he found the house quiet, the door locked. He looked at the sky, which was only starting to lighten and wondered if he had gotten the time wrong. While he was debating whether to risk waking them up by knocking or running for town in case they had left early, he heard a soft cry, like the sound of a wounded animal. After a minute, he heard it again and realized it was coming from the side of the house. Warily, he made his way toward the noise. Curled up in the sand and dirt, he found Cadia crying softly.

It took a second for his mind to register what he was seeing before he ran to her. Tears were slowly making tracks down her dust covered face, but her eyes and nose were puffy, as though she had been crying harder. As he kneeled down next to her, he got a better look at her, seeing the ugly bruise that was already forming on her swelling cheek. Something bad had happened, and all at once he felt sick, scared and angry. Reaching for her hand, he saw there was blood on her fingers.

"What happened Cadi? Are you okay? Where's..."

"Gone," she turned to focus on him with flat eyes. "They left a short time ago. I was so stupid...so blind. He didn't want me, he never wanted me. Only Bastion. He's taking Bastion back to Corellia, back to his _wife_."

Anakin stood as the horror of the situation flooded his mind. Shaking his head, refusing to believe someone could be so cruel, he whispered, "No. No. He couldn't..."

"He did." Her voice was cold and detached and the sound ran shivers down his spine.

"No!" Pushing back the disbelief and the rage growing inside him, he looked away from her. "I won't let him!" he yelled as he took off running.

There were not many people in the marketplace, due to the early hour, but Anakin noticed a flurry of activity at one of the docking bays. Not bothering to stop for the security officer by the door, he ran straight in, only to find Reen closing a maintenance panel on his ship. He turned with a casual air, speaking as though it were just another day.

"Anakin, I had a feeling you'd show up. We're just about to take off, you almost missed us."

He stood glaring at the man, his hands clenched into tight fists.

"You can't do this! You can't take him from her! Why?"

"I'm simply taking what belongs to me. He's mine. For almost a year, I've given her a good life, and look what the wretched little ingrate did to my face," he turned to reveal four deep scratches down the side of his face, still oozing blood.

"She's his mother! She loves him, you can't separate them! She belongs to you, how can you just leave her behind?"

He laughed mockingly. "You don't get it. She doesn't belong to me. She never did. I only rented her from Watto, she's his concern, not mine."

Anakin shook his head in confusion. "Why go to all this trouble for..."

"Are you really this naive, boy? I have no use for a slave. I only needed one thing. A baby. My wife is unable to have children and it's the one thing we needed to complete our lives."

"How could you be so cruel? There are other ways to..."

"What ways? Adoption? Noone would give a baby to a smuggler. And only royalty can afford the babies that are sold on the market. It was much cheaper and easier to rent a healthy slave to do the job. Plus the child is my own. Noone can take him away from me."

Anakin could feel the anger swelling inside him, almost as if it was a living thing. "I could kill you..." he hissed. Reen just laughed and turned toward the ramp.

"I have to thank you for making this possible, Anakin. Watto was one of seven owner's to answer my ad. Of those, only four of the young ladies were willing to let my scout take their picture. I hear you were helpful in convincing Cadia that it was a good idea. She made a beautiful son for me. Here," he reached into his vest, pulling out a paper and handing it to him. "Here's a little souvenir for you."

Anakin looked at it and felt sick all over again. It was the photo of him and Cadia. Reen laughed again.

"Don't be sad, my boy. I'll come back next year. We'll do this again." With that, he signaled to a security guard and walked up into the ship. The guard took Anakin by the shoulders and forced him out of the bay, locking the door behind him. He stood speechless as he heard the ship's engines fire, and then watched it take off for Corellia.  
Corellia, he thought, land of smugglers, liars and thieves.

_She's told me several times that I have nothing to feel guilty for, but I know she is just trying to make me feel better. I wish she would just strike out at me, yell or hit me or something, but she keeps saying I'm not to blame. She says it's all Reen's fault, but I know the truth. His evil would have never touched her if it weren't for me. _

I turned nine last week and her birthday is in two days, but none of us feel like celebrating anything. The baby has been gone for ten days and it isn't getting any easier. I wonder what his name is now and if he still cries in the night. Does Reen even know how to hold him close so he can hear his heartbeat? Is his wife a good mother? Noone could love him as much as Cadi did.

I'm worried about her. She won't eat and she doesn't sleep much. She doesn't even come to the shop. I know she's angry with Watto and I don't blame her. He only shrugged and said it was business when I asked him how he could let her be used like that. I hate him. There seems to be nothing that will cheer her up. Mom says to give it time, but Cadi is already getting thin and looking sickly. Most of the time it's like she's not even there, like she's just a shell. I should have known better. This is all my fault.

Anakin watched as the suns dipped a little lower in the sky. There were still three or four hours of light left, but the day had already been full. He usually liked sleeping in on his rest day, but Cadia had woken him up so they could watch the sky change colors together as the new day began. It was almost two months since Bastion had been taken and this was the first day she actually showed interest in something so he gladly dragged himself out of bed.

It had been like old times, the two of them talking and laughing together. They spent some time scavenging around the town and shops for spare parts that could be useful. Afterward, they shared a picnic lunch and worked on his pod racer for awhile. Now, he could hear her and his mom chatting as they made dinner. He felt happy that things were starting to return to normal. At least, as normal as they ever could be after what she went through.

When the three of them were seated at the table, he studied her as she slowly pushed the food around her plate, taking small bites every so often. For two months, she had barely eaten enough to keep a bird alive and it showed. Her face was gaunt and her collarbone stuck out, the skin stretched thin over it. The dark circles around her eyes only emphasized the sallowness of her complexion. But in his eyes, she was still beautiful. Even though she was broken inside, her nature was still kind and loving.

She noticed him watching her and smiled at him. He was happy she actually seemed to be enjoying her food and he knew it was only a matter of time before she gained her strength back. Together they would somehow put the ugliness behind them. He promised her that someday they would fly away from here and find Bastion again. She told him she wouldn't disrupt his life when that day came, she only wanted to know that he was safe and loved.

After the dishes were cleaned up, Cadia gave Shmi a long hug and thanked her for being there through the past year. Shmi was touched, and when they finished talking, she excused herself so they wouldn't see the tears in her eyes. She turned to Anakin and reached out her hand, "C'mon little man, let's go outside for a few minutes."

They sat on the wall, watching the suns make their slow descent. She turned to look at him, ruffling his hair as she always did.

"I love you, Anakin. I always will. No matter what happens, you will always be in my heart." She reached for his hand, tracing the scar once again. "You'll always have this, Ani, to remember me by."

He looked at her, wondering why she was telling him all this. "I won't need to remember you, I'll always have you."

She nodded. "I know, but our lives are unpredictable, we know that now. When the time comes that I can't be with you, just look at your hand and feel my love. Your hand will always be with you, even if I can't be."

"I love you too, Cadi. I hope we'll be together forever."

"I want that too, but the time will come when I have to leave," the smile faded from her face. "Reen said he would be back. I can't. I can't go through that again."

Anakin held onto her tightly. "I'm so sorry I messed everything up! I'd give anything to undo it. How can you ever forgive me?"

"Shh...There is nothing to forgive. You did nothing wrong. Don't you tell yourself you did, either. Reen was just selfish and evil. He lied to us all to get what he wanted. Let's not talk about him anymore, it's going to get dark in a couple of hours and I want to take a walk, clear my head. I love you Anakin. Always."

She kissed his cheek and then pulled him close once again. A strange feeling came over him and he began to feel uneasy.

"Maybe I should come with you, make sure you're safe."

"I'll be fine. I just need to think. You've been with me all day, go spend some time with Shmi. Tell her how much she means to you, Moms can never hear that too much."

They laughed softly as she pulled away. "Don't go too far," he warned. She just smiled and waved.

He watched as she disappeared around the bend before going back inside. Shmi was surprised when he came up and hugged her.

"I love you Mom. I'm glad noone ever took me away from you."

"Oh, Ani. I'll never let anyone take you. Only when you're ready to leave me, will I let you go." She stroked his cheek gently and he felt safe and loved.

"I'm gonna work on Threepio til Cadi gets back from her walk."

He looked at the messy workbench, sensing something was out of place. Knowing his mom had given up trying to keep his area neat long ago, he wondered why he felt something was wrong. Everything appeared to be where it belonged. Unable to shake the feeling, he moved some of the tools and spare parts around. He was about to give up the foolishness, deciding he was just paranoid, when he spotted the edge of something shiny burried toward the back. Whatever it was, it had been tucked under a strip of metal and a polishing rag. He moved them away carefully, as though something might jump out at him. Underneath, he found the bracelet he had made for Cadia on her birthday the year before and a note. Knowing she never took it off, he reached out for it with a sense of dread. The note was addressed to him, written in her curly script.

Dear Anakin,

I guess it's over by now. I'm sorry that it had to be this way, but it's what I wanted. For the first time in a long time, _I_ have the control over my own life. Just know that I wasn't afraid and I was happy. I love you more than anything and nothing will ever change that.

I'm leaving the bracelet behind for you, not because I don't want it anymore, but because it will do you and Shmi more good. I know how much the metal in it is worth and it could provide both of you with many things you need if you sell it. It was the best gift anyone ever gave me.

Always remember how much I loved you and that you never, ever let me down. You were the one person I could always count on. My only regret is that I won't see you grow into the good man I know you'll be.

I'll be with you always.

Love,  
Cadia

"She wouldn't..." he whispered, but he knew it was true. Without stopping to tell his mother where he was going, he ran out, heading in the direction she went. The suns had dipped even lower in the sky, but the heat still surrounded everything. His lungs felt like they would burst, but he didn't risk slowing down. She had a fifteen minute lead on him and if he didn't catch up... he didn't want to consider the possibility. After he passed the last small houses on the edge of town, nothing lay on the horizon except heat and sand. It was the right direction, though. Somehow he knew.

Seeing how far out he had come, he dug deep inside himself, pushing to move faster. She couldn't get there without him! If he wasn't there to stop her and pull her back, she would be blown to pieces. As he came over a small ridge, he saw her not too far ahead. Tears of relief sprang to his eyes, as he realized it wasn't too late. He called out to her, but she didn't acknowledge him. Coming alongside of her, he grabbed her hand, frantically trying to stop her. She turned to him, crying.

"Anakin, you shouldn't be here. I didn't want you to see this, go back!"

"No Cadi! You don't know what you're doing right now! You have to come back with me. It will get better, I promise. Please, just come back. Don't do this!"

She hesitated for a minute, stroking his cheek. It scared him to see that her eyes were vacant. "This is what I want. Let me go. Go back home, take care of Shmi." She pulled out of his grip and began walking again.

"No, this isn't what you want. Stop!" He watched as she stepped closer and closer to the unknown boundary that kept them from running. Fear paralyzed him and he didn't know what to do. He wanted to hold onto her, pull her back, but he was scared. He could only follow helplessly, begging her to step back. She was hysterical by now, talking about Bastion and not being strong enough to go on or do it again. He was panicked, screaming and trying to get her to listen to his warnings. It was all happening too fast.

All of a sudden, she let out a shriek and she doubled over, holding her arms tight around herself. Slowly, she turned around and stumbled back to him, falling into his arms and pulling them both to the ground. He held onto her, crying with relief.

"Don't you ever do that again! Don't you ever scare me like that again. It's going to be okay, Cadi. I'll make it okay."

Her voice was small. "They lied, Ani. It's too late. It's not a million pieces, that would be too messy for them..."

He looked down at her face and saw the thin line of blood running from her nose. "No," he hissed in disbelief.

"Shh...it's okay. It's better this way. It only hurts a little. I love you, Anakin. Tell him. Let him know how much his real mother loved him. "

Her eyes focused on something behind him and he understood she was slipping away. Putting his hand on her stomach, he told her, "Look at me and concentrate, Cadi! I can fix this!"

She gave him one last weak smile. "Too late, Anakin. Some things can't be fixed. I'll have peace now. Always love you..." Her eyes closed slowly and he was left alone.

_Her body was so frail, I was able to carry her back to town easily. I don't remember much after that, only the crowd around us and people saying my name. They kept trying to take her from me, but I wasn't letting go. They were all buzzing around, talking, but I couldn't understand them. There was a pain in my neck and then things started getting dark. I woke up in the medic's office the next day. Mom was there and she was crying. I felt broken inside like Cadia had been. _

She got me ready to go home and I heard them tell her the shock would wear off soon and I would come around. I wondered why they were talking about me like I wasn't there? In the following days, I hated everyone who told me it was going to be okay.

She was buried out by the caves we used to play in when we were younger. I know she would have liked that. I'm going to sell the bracelet and have a stone made for her grave.

I'll never forget her or the things she taught me. I'll make sure I become the man she would have wanted me to be. I'll find Bastion and tell him about her.

I have decided to stop writing for a little while. Only a little while, because it was so important to her. I just can't do it right now, it reminds me of too much. When the time is right, I'll pick it up again. For now, I have to practice smiling when I don't feel like it and giving the proper response when people speak to me, so I don't have to hear how everything is going to be fine. I know it will get better, but nothing is ever going to be fine again.

Someday I will be that good man she spoke of, but I'll always carry around the weakness and failure of the little boy she knew. I'll always be flawed.

I hate myself for letting her die.


	18. Chapter 18

**Thank you for all the wonderful reviews- that was a difficult chapter to write. **

**Cadia killed herself by walking beyond the boundry that's meant to keep slaves from running away. The slave transmitter inside her body blew up- killing her. **

**The scar WAS on the hand that Anakin lost. Bastion is NOT Han. **

**I think that was it for the questions that needed to be answered- on to Padme's reaction...**

Chapter 18

It had been a week since she learned about the tragic circumstance of Cadia's death and she still couldn't shake the incredible anguish. Anguish, not only for the poor girl and all she suffered, but also for Anakin and the guilt he lived with because of it. It was a tragedy no adult should ever have to go through, much less a child and it had a profound effect on his entire life. Everything in his character had been shaped by that one event. His motivation and his drive to be the best all stemmed from his feeling of failure. The expectations he had for himself were completely unrealistic, but that didn't stop him from berating himself when he didn't live up to them.

So much was clearer to her now. As she thought back to the night of their fight and reconsidered his words, everything fell into place. His mistrust of Bail, especially once he heard Breha could no longer have children and the rage he flew into when she had expressed doubts about having his child, didn't seem quite so crazy now. He had been justified in calling her spoiled and she cringed thinking about just how selfish she was then.

The familiar stab of regret poked at her as she remembered him saying that there was so much he wished he could tell her. Instead of pushing him to talk about what was bothering him, she tried to force him to calm down by giving him that drink. How much different could their lives have been if she had made him share his thoughts with her? Maybe he would have been able to come to terms with all that had happened and she could have convinced him it wasn't his fault. There was an opportunity for his healing to begin that night, but she ignored it. And it was gone forever.

Choking back a sob, she pushed away the image of his pained face as he lay dying. How horrible it must have been for him, thinking he had failed everyone he loved as his life slowly slipped away. Though it was difficult, she tried to find solace in the fact that he was finally at rest. In death, he had the peace that had eluded him all his life. Just like Cadia. Thinking of them together now, reunited beyond this life, brought a little smile to her face.

If only she had been successful in her other venture...but then, it was impossible to begin with. If Anakin hadn't managed to find the boy in all those years, why did she think she had a chance? Over the past week, she had tried every source imaginable to try and track down Bastion, but it was to no avail. Each avenue she tried, she found that Anakin had already been down it. When she contacted the most well respected private investigator on Naboo, he was already familiar with the story. Anakin had spared no expense in his search, paying the investigator more than his normal salary, funding several trips to Corellia and providing more than enough credits as a reward for any information. Nothing ever came of any of it. Reen and Bastion had disappeared into thin air, he told her. Padme was disappointed but grateful that the man told her the truth instead of wasting her time.

Even though she knew Anakin left no stone unturned, she still made one last effort to gather information. Tatooine held only bad memories for Anakin, so she thought maybe he would have overlooked the fact that Watto may have kept records of his dealings with Reen. Upon contacting the shop, she once again found another dead end that he had already explored. Only, she didn't get to speak with the crafty old Toydarian who had made her husband's life miserable. Instead, she spoke to the new owner of the junkyard, Anakin's childhood friend, Kitster. What he told her had left her more than a little shaken.

It was no secret that there was a dark side to him, but Anakin seemed to have conquered it. After speaking with Kitster and remembering the look in Anakin's eyes the night he had confronted her about Darvin, she wondered how much control he really had over the demon inside him. She was surprised to learn that Anakin had inherited the junkyard when Watto died and he quickly gave possession of it to Kitster. The details of Watto's horrific death were what disturbed her. The cruel slave master had been murdered in cold blood, there were signs of torture on what remained of his body. Seeing the obvious chagrin on her face, Kitster quickly pointed out that Watto had made many enemies over the years and that just about anyone had a motive for killing him.

The two of them talked for awhile, and she found him to be a charming man who was quite loyal to Anakin. Toward the end of the conversation, he asked if she could get a message to him, as he had been unable to contact him. Knowing that his death wasn't to be revealed yet, she explained his absence was because of the mission. He wanted Anakin to know that the new headstones were taking a little longer to complete, but he would have holos of them sent to his home when they were finished. She smiled and nodded as though she knew exactly what he was talking about, and she did have an idea. Nothing lasted long in the harsh sandstorms, including the marker of a loved one's grave. Anakin would not stand for having Cadia or his Mother forgotten. It was probably common for him to have new ones made from time to time. When her mind began to wander, imagining what the stone marking Anakin's empty grave would say, she quickly changed the subject, thanking Kitster for the information and promising to speak with him in the future.

After saying goodbye and shutting off the viewscreen, she let the smile she had been faking fade from her face. Her memories of Watto were good, and she could easily picture him lying in a pool of his own blood. It was a terrible image, but she found that it didn't bother her as much as it should have. Now that she knew what he had done to Cadia, the thought of his painful death almost pleased her. Almost. Even though he more than deserved it and Anakin would have been justified in doing it, she prayed that someone else was responsible for the act. She didn't want to think that he was capable of such things anymore. He was a loving husband and father now. The same hands that gently rocked their babies to sleep could not kill in revenge. Could they?

A shudder ran through her as she thought of his rage that day, how his eyes had glowed a sickly yellow for a brief moment as she answered his questions about Darvin's visit. There were tears on his cheeks and his fists were tightly clenched, but he still had promised her that he wouldn't kill him. The words were spoken harshly, through gritted teeth, but it was still a promise. A promise she had only questioned a little at times, but after learning about Watto's death...

She wasn't going to speculate on it anymore. The past was the past and Anakin was dead. There was no use in thinking about any of this.

In an effort to ward off the headache she felt lurking behind her eyes, she tried to focus on something else, something less taxing. She looked outside, watching the light rain fall slowly on the flowers in the gardens. The tapping of the water on the roof was soothing and it brought back memories of happy times she and Anakin had spent here. Days they had spent slowly making love to the rhythmic sound of raindrops, nights of frenzied passion enhanced by the wild thunder and lightning outside. Afterward, she always felt so secure, wrapped in his arms, listening to his heartbeat as his breathing returned to normal. Loving one another, especially in that way, had never been a problem. Lack of communication beyond the physical had been their downfall.

Hearing the twins laughing brought her out of her reverie. They had been playing quietly in the bedroom all morning. Maybe it was because they sensed the turmoil inside her, but the three of them had gotten along really well this past week and Padme was amazed at how good they had been. She was becoming more and more hopeful for their future and she knew Obi Wan was going to be happy with the progress they were making. An overwhelming sense of love washed over her as she looked in on them. The children she hadn't been sure she wanted at first were her greatest salvation. The burden she mistakenly thought Anakin had forced on her had turned out to be his greatest gift.

Leia turned toward the doorway and smiled at her mother. "Come look what Luke built, Mommy!"

Padme sat on the floor with them, taking Luke's newest creation in her hands as she did. Turning the jedi starfighter around to study it from all angles, she couldn't believe he created such an exact replica from the small blocks he loved so much.

"This is incredible, Luke. It looks just like Daddy's ship. How do you do it?"

He smiled shyly and shrugged. "I don't know, I just look at the pile of blocks and see things. It's easy."

Padme handed it back to him carefully. "It doesn't look easy to me. You have your father's gift for building things."

Leia nodded. "At home, he has a room full of them. Daddy helps glue them together and they hang them from the ceiling," she paused, thinking for a moment. "Mommy, can we go home soon? If Daddy comes back, he might go there and..."

"Oh Leia," Padme reached out to put an arm around her. "Daddy isn't..."

Leia held out the small doll in her hands as she interrupted. "I left most of Princess Jade's wardrobe there. She needs her other dresses."

Padme stopped to look at the doll, struck by the name. It was small, about ten inches tall, with long dark hair and the brightest green eyes. Jade. The girl Obi Wan found Anakin in bed with... She crushed the thought before jealousy could take over again.

"Where did you get her?"

"I saw her at the store and I really wanted her. Daddy said no at the time, but then he got her for me for my birthday. I opened her up while you and Daddy were yelling so you didn't see her."

Padme shifted, uncomfortable with the reminder of her awful behavior at their party. "Princess Jade is a pretty name, how did you come up with that?"

"Well, Daddy named her. Kind of, anyway. When I first pointed her out, he just stared at her. In his mind, he kept thinking the word Jade. I guess he didn't realize he wasn't blocking his thoughts, cause he seemed a little embarrased when I asked him about it. Did you know there's a stone called Jade? It's the same color as her eyes."

"Oh." Padme smiled, trying to brush away the nagging in the back of her mind. Even though she didn't feel ready yet, she was going to have to start reading Anakin's journals again. There was a reasonable explanation for everything, she told herself. The sooner she found out what those explanations were, the better.

Another doll, this one the size of a newborn, was sitting on Leia's lap. Padme reached for it. "And who is this little one?" she asked, anxious to get off the subject of Jade.

"This is Baby Lissi. Daddy helped name her, too. Her original dress had small white flowers on them, sort of like the ones that grow out in the meadow where we have picnics sometimes. Daddy said they're called Lissine flowers. He said they're your favorite."

Anakin always knew what pleased her. She sighed. "They are my favorite, but I never knew they had a name. I thought they were just wildflowers. They smell so good."

Leia laughed. "We know. Daddy has them sent to his house every week. A giant bunch of them. They make him happy."

'Oh Anakin, why was I so stupid?' Padme silently asked herself.

"Daddy said he wanted me to have a babydoll for my birthday too, but it was important for me to pick her out myself. When we got back home, he took me to the Toybox and there were all kinds of dolls there! They have ones that can cry and wet and some that can talk. Miss Ismay showed them all to me and Daddy said I could have any one I wanted."

"Miss Ismay?" Padme tried to sound as casual as possible. "Who is she?"

Leia's face lit up with a warm smile that gave Padme a twinge of jealousy and fear combined.

"She's our friend at the toystore. She likes Daddy. Here Mommy, can you help me get her shoes on?"

Padme took the doll from Leia's outstretched hand while trying not to seem too anxious. "Likes Daddy? What do you mean sweetheart?"

"Well, you know, she smiles at him and they talk a lot sometimes. When he's upset, she trys to make it better."

Swallowing her pride and trying to be the better person she now was, she told the twins, "Miss Ismay sounds like a very nice person. Maybe you can introduce me to her sometime after we get back."

Engrossed in his blocks, Luke spoke without looking up. "Maybe we'll all go when Daddy comes home."

Leia agreed. "Good idea."

Padme frowned, wondering if she should indulge the twins in their unrealistic hope that they would see their father again or if they should be made to face the truth. Deciding that lying to themselves could be harmful in the long run, she tried to speak with them about it.

"The two of you loved your Daddy so much, I know how hard this has to be. Pretending he's still alive and will walk through the door anytime isn't good. As much as it hurts, we all have to accept the fact that he died and he won't be coming..."

"No Mommy, he isn't dead. He's still alive. We can feel it." Leia looked to Luke who nodded.

Their admission startled her at first, before she realized it must be wishful thinking. They wanted Anakin to come back so much, they had convinced themselves that they could still sense him. Perhaps getting them counseling would be helpful.

"We all want that to be true, but it's not. He's gone. You both heard Uncle Obi Wan. Your father is dead."

She had expected her words to be a crushing blow, but the two of them looked at her as though she were the one to be pitied. Denial was a part of grieving, but she didn't realize it would be this difficult. Luke reached out for his sister's hand, searching her face as he did. Padme held her breath as she watched them think it over. After a few minutes, Leia glanced over at her before looking back at Luke. Quietly she said, "She _has_ learned, Luke. She said she would be nice to Daddy if he came back."

Luke nodded in agreement once again and they both turned to her.

"He's just gone for awhile, that's all. Uncle Obi Wan never said he was dead."

"Yes he..." Padme stopped to think, realizing that Obi Wan had only used words like gone and lost. He told her he was going to investigate Anakin's accident, not his death. How had she missed such a crucial detail? And why was he lying to her? As quickly as she asked the question, the answer came to her. The journals. He practically insisted she read them. And they _had_ helped. She understood Anakin now and could see the mistakes they had made. If he was alive, she could help heal his wounds from the past and the two of them could work on repairing their relationship. Maybe they would have even been a family again. But Obi Wan would have no reason to give her the journals if Anakin was still alive. Without the journals, things would have continued as they had been and...

"It was all a ruse," she said in disbelief.

The twins were confused at their mother's sudden anger. "What's a ruse, Mommy?"

Ignoring the question, she told them to stay in their room as she stood and left. Tears were welling up in Leia's eyes and Luke put his arms around her.

"I thought things were different now. I thought Mommy would be happy to know that Daddy was alive. What happened?"

Feeling as confused as his sister, Luke shrugged. "I don't know." He thought a moment before his face brightened. "Uncle Obi Wan is going to be happy when we tell him. Maybe he'll be able to find Daddy soon, so he can come home."

"I hope so, Luke."

The twins watched as their mother set lunch out on the table. She was still mad and so deep in thought that she hardly acknowledged their presence. They ate quickly, hoping to get away from the tension and back to their room as soon as possible. When they were almost finished, Padme let out a sigh and looked at them for the first time since they sat down. When she spoke, she sounded hurt and tired.

"Did the two of you know all along? Were you part of their plans?"

They looked at each other, not sure what she was talking about. "What plans?" Luke asked.

"This elaborate scheme your uncle and father came up with to get me to read Daddy's journals. Do you know where he's hiding? When they plan to have him return from the dead?"

Padme saw their faces twist in confusion. Leia's voice was small and frightened. "We don't know where he is, we can only feel him for little bits at a time. He hurts. A lot. Why would you think..."

The doorbell chimed, cutting off the rest of her question. "Now what?" Padme asked as she stood. The twins looked at one another with wide smiles and they let out happy screams as they ran past her. "Wait!" she called, but they were already gone. Just as she reached the foyer, she heard them yelling once again.

"Artoo! Uncle Obi Wan!"

Leia had thrown herself into his arms and he was cradling her on one hip. Luke was hugging the droid, his forehead pressed against the shiny dome. Padme smiled at the sight of their happy reunion, her anger softened. Her eyes met Obi Wan's and a shiver ran down her spine. Aside from the exhaustion, she could see something was wrong.

"Take Artoo to your room so I can talk with Uncle Obi, okay?"

"But Mommy, we have to tell..."

"You can tell him whatever you want later. I need to speak with him now."

Obi Wan tapped Leia softly on the nose with his finger, smiling at her. "Mind your mother. We'll talk in a little bit, okay?" He kissed the top of her head and put her down.

"But," she started to protest, but then thought better of it. "Let's go, Luke." He was too busy with Artoo to respond, but they followed her out of the room.

Obi Wan laughed quietly. "He loves that droid as much as Anakin did."

"I can see that." Deciding to give him the chance to explain, she reached out her hand to him. "Let's go to the kitchen. I'll make some tea."

Once they were seated, she realized how nervous he seemed. After scrubbing his hand down his face a few times, he finally looked her in the eye.

"I was hoping to bring you some good news, but I'm afraid that isn't the case. The Council thought...well, we weren't sure and I..." he looked away in frustration, unable to bring himself to say the words that were weighing on his heart. Seeing his distress she patted his arm in encouragement.

"It's okay Obi Wan. Just tell me. Start from the beginning."

He let out a sigh as he pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. When he reopened them, they were sparkling with unshed tears.

"Padme, I have a confession to make..."


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19 

The tears in his eyes threatened to spill over and he looked to the ceiling, blinking in an effort to not let them fall. Padme could see his body trembling as he fought to hold onto control of his emotions. Something was wrong. Horribly wrong. Seeing him in this vulnerable state, she realized just how much she loved him. He was a kind man, a caring friend, and a loving brother and uncle to Anakin and the twins. It was crazy of her to think he would be capable of the deception she had accused him of.

She had been turning it around in her head all afternoon, and the one detail that she couldn't reconcile herself to was the use of the twins in their plan. Anakin was not the kind of father who would do that. Once her initial burst of anger had started to fade and rational thinking took over, she knew it was ridiculous to think of them plotting against her in such a way. Still, she wondered how things had come about and how deeply involved her children were. Luke and Leia didn't have time to answer her questions in order to clear things up before Obi Wan showed up.

At first she believed it had all been a lie, even down to the recording of his last words. But after replaying that scene in her mind several times, she knew that Anakin really had been hurt. Maybe he was even close to death when he was rescued. Obi Wan would have kept vigil by his bedside. Thoughts of bringing the journals to her must have crossed his mind as he waited to see if Anakin would live or die. He knew how they would change her feelings for the better. Their plan most likely came together after Anakin was out of danger, she decided. Obi Wan could be very persuasive at times and Anakin would have been willing to do anything to see his family together. They _were_ trying to do some good, even though they lied to her in the process. She had done much worse to Anakin over the years, hadn't she?

Her anger was gone, but she still wanted an explanation. Hopefully it would be a short one so she and the twins could be reunited with Anakin soon. The sound of Obi Wan clearing his throat brought her focus back on him. He had regained his composure, but the look in his eyes still worried her.

"Padme, when I came to tell you about Anakin's accident the first time, I didn't give you the whole story. The Council...we were confused but still hopeful that he would be found alive but..."

He stopped to clear his throat again and Padme decided to put an end to his suffering. Taking both his hands in hers, she gave him a sad smile.

"It's okay Obi Wan, I already know. You lied to me."

A startled look came over his face and he pulled away from her as though her hands were on fire. "Lied to you? Padme, I never lied! Everything I told you was true."

"It's okay, really. It took me until today to catch on to the fact that you never used the word dead in reference to Anakin. It's partly my fault. If I hadn't been so quick to jump to conclusions, maybe I would have picked up on it. I'm not mad anymore, I just want to know how and why all this came about."

"I swear to you, I never lied. What I am guilty of, is not telling you everything and letting you think the worst. I only did that because we weren't sure exactly what happened to him. Anakin was the Chosen One. If any jedi could have retained his identity after death, it should have been him. We all saw the injuries he had. No normal man could survive those. But since he didn't appear to us from the afterlife, we held onto the hope that he was alive somehow, just lost. When I came to you, I didn't know his fate. But I let you think what you needed to, in order to get you to read the journals. I wanted you to understand him if a miracle occurred and he came back to us."

Padme nodded, her heart sinking. There was no conspiracy against her. "I'm sorry. I just thought that... well, I was jumping to conclusions again."

"I'm sorry too. I wanted him to be alive so much that I started to believe it. I dreamed of bringing him home to you and the twins. But now that the final investigations are over, the Council came to the only conclusion it could. Anakin has been declared legally dead."

Padme let out a little cry as the finality of his words hit her. "No, he can't be. The twins..."

"I know," he broke in, "they were hopeful that he was alive too. It's going to be hard for them." 

She shook her head in denial. "No. They told me this morning that Anakin is alive. That's why I thought you lied. They said they can feel him!"

Obi Wan tilted his head, absorbing what she said. He jumped to his feet quickly, knocking the chair over in the process. Without a word, he ran to their bedroom. 

He stopped short as he came to the door, listening to the twins' laughter as Artoo made a moaning sound. For the first time in their short lives, he sensed peace in them. There was always some conflict surrounding them, and as a result, at least one of them was usually in a state of upset. Now they were just like other children, happy at play and content with their world. At least some good had come of all this.

Luke was the first to notice him standing in the doorway and he quickly motioned for him to enter the room. 

"Thank you for bringing Artoo, Uncle Obi Wan. I've missed him," he looked away for a moment, a guilty look on his face. "I'm sorry that Mommy got mad at you. We didn't mean for her to think you lied. We were just happy that Daddy's alive and we thought it was okay to tell her. Don't worry, she doesn't stay mad for long anymore."

Obi Wan placed a hand on Luke's back and motioned for Leia to come to him.

"Don't be sorry, everything will be okay with your mother. I need you to tell me exactly what you've felt from Anakin. You think he's alive?" 

Leia nodded, a serious look on her face. "He is alive. That's what I wanted to tell you. We were hoping that you'd find him soon. He's hurt and he's getting weaker. The last few times we heard him, it wasn't as strong. He needs to come home soon or..." her voice trailed off but she continued to stare at him with pleading eyes.

"Uncle Obi Wan will find him. Won't you?" Luke looked to the jedi master with a hopeful smile.

Seeing the trust and confidence they had in him put an extra weight on his shoulders. He and the Council had already done everything within their power to find Anakin and they came up with nothing. Unless the twins had some new information, it was a lost cause. How could he tell them that?

"That's what we've been trying to do since he was lost, Luke. I'm afraid we haven't been successful. What have you sensed from your father? Tell me eveything you remember, even the smallest clue might be helpful."

Leia was biting her lip, deep in thought. Luke went to the window. "We can feel him strongest when we're outside, looking to the sky. Daddy wants to see the sky, wants to feel the sun on his face again." 

"It's dark where he is, but he can see," Leia added. "He's very tired and he can't breathe good. There's still a hole in his chest. He needs to come home and see the healers." 

Obi Wan swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. The twins knew Anakin was hurt, but he never told them that he was shot in the chest. Had Padme told them?

"The three of us couldn't find any trace of him when we tried. How have you been in contact with him?"

"After you left, we kept trying to find his signature. The first day, we felt something but it was so quick we weren't sure. That night, we both had the same dream. We saw Daddy and how he got hurt. Since then, we've been able to feel him for little bits at a time. He's letting us know he's alive and wants to come home. Can't you please bring him home?"

"Oh Leia," he reached out to smooth her hair. "I want to bring him home more than you know. Many jedi have already been looking for him and we've all come up empty. Tell me what you saw in your dream, and anything else you can think of."

"Well, at first the dream was strange because all I could see was plants and trees. But then Artoo was there, complaining about being left behind at the camp and I understood that I was seeing what Daddy saw. There was a clearing in the middle of the forest, with some buildings and huge tents set up. Daddy got close to that and was sitting up on a high branch for awhile, watching people come and go."

She stopped to look at Luke, wondering if she missed any details and Obi Wan realized he was shaking. Leia had just described the Imperial command center on Endor. The buildings housed their operations and the large tents were where the slave labor was kept. Work on the massive weapon continued around the clock, but the slaves were rotated and given time to rest. Part of Anakin's mission was keeping track of their schedules, trying to determine when the best time for an attack would be. The jedi wanted to destroy the Death Star with minimal loss of life. Knowing when the least amount of slaves were working on it was a crucial part of that plan.

Caught up in his thoughts, Obi Wan didn't know Luke asked him a question until the boy tapped his arm impatiently. "Did you, Uncle Obi Wan?" 

"I'm sorry Luke. Did I what?"

"Did you ever see the little bears on Endor?"

"Little bears?"

Leia giggled. "You know what a bear is, don't you? Like in those fairy tale books. They really exist! One of them made friends with Daddy. It was an accident, but it was his fault that Daddy got hurt. The little bear didn't know that he was trying not to be seen. He brought the attention of the bad men to Daddy. That's when he got shot."

"He was hurt bad, but he still managed to get back to Artoo," Luke continued. "The rest of the dream got fuzzy. At the end, Daddy was falling asleep but he could hear the men coming for him. That's when it ended." 

"Do you think the men found him?"

Leia nodded. "I think so. We just get little bits from Daddy so it's hard to tell. Something is blocking his ability to use the Force. He usually says our names or Mommy's, like he wants to know that we're all right. He's tired and he hurts all the time, and the main thing he thinks about is coming home. You have to find him. We know you will."

Obi Wan stroked his beard, suddenly feeling much older than his years. Anakin _was_ alive. And it was a distinct possibility that he was being held captive by the Imperials, maybe even being used as one of the slave workers. There was no way to determine his location when the time came for them to make their move. What if Anakin was one of the skeleton crew left on the Death Star when they destroyed it? The plan had already been laid out. Even now, the Chancellor was recalling the senators early for an emergency meeting so they could take swift action. There would be no hesitation once they received the final approval.

He choked back the bile rising in his throat as he thought of the agony Anakin must be in, how strong his will to live was, and the fact that his death could be imminent. In their youthful innocence, Luke and Leia didn't understand the gravity of the situation. They had complete faith that their father would be found and brought back to them. He touched each of their faces gently, wishing that Anakin's rescue could be as effortless as they thought. Intense feelings of love and a possessive need to keep them close overwhelmed him and he hugged them tightly to his chest. He wanted nothing more than to protect them from the pain and the harsh reality that Anakin might not be found.

LIfe was much easier when there were no attachments or emotion, he told himself. But when he thought of the joy and laughter these two little ones had brought into his life, he knew he wouldn't have it any other way. Their love gave him the strength to keep fighting, even when it seemed all was lost. He was going to need that strength in the days to come.

"I promise you both, I'll do everything possible to find your father. The two of you have to promise to let me know of anything else you sense from him as soon as it happens. Okay?"

"We will," they both smiled and nodded at him.

"Good. Now, you need to start gathering your things while I contact Master Yoda and let your mother know what's going on. We must get back to Coruscant immediately." 

------------------------------------------------------------- 

The look of displeasure on Padme's face was familiar, but he knew it was due to concern this time, not anger or disgust. 

"Tonight? But Obi Wan, you look like you need a few days to sleep. Surely one night won't make a difference."

Not trying to hide his weariness, he sighed. "There will be time to rest when all of this is over. Right now I have to try. He's held on this long, I can't just leave him..."

"Won't it be better if you've had time to regain your strength? Obviously you have been working nonstop since you left."

"I'm fine. The sooner the twins and I sit down with Master Yoda, the sooner we may have some answers. If Luke and Leia can help us make contact with Anakin, it could help lead us to him. He saved my life more times than I can count. I won't let him down."

Seeing the desparation on his face, she knew it would do no good to argue. He was right. Time was of the essence.

"We can be on our way in half an hour. The twins are almost ready and I just have to grab a few things. You will take a nap on the trip, though. Okay?" 

He gave her a weak smile before walking to the door. "I'll go see if they need my help," he hesitated, turning around to face her again. "Be sure to bring his journals."

A look of guilt and uncertainty crossed her face. "Obi Wan, if he's alive...I mean, should I really be reading his private thoughts?"

He nodded grimly. "If he's alive, it's even more important that you read them."

With a swirl of his cloak he was gone. While throwing a few changes of clothes into a bag, her eyes kept wandering back to the datareader sitting on her nightstand. She looked at it as though it were a wild animal that could bite. It was silly to be afraid of an inanimate object. It was harmless, but the words inside had the potential to cut deeper than even the sharpest knife.

The prospect of learning about the other women in Anakin's life was the thing she had been most worried about at first. Now she was more upset by the thought of seeing herself through his eyes, feeling the pain she caused him. He never deserved any of it, but he took it all graciously. If he did come back safely, how would she face him? There was no possible way to make up for what she had done, not enough words to express her sorrow and regret for treating him that way.

Obi Wan was right. It was even more important for her to read them, not only to understand Anakin, but to understand herself. She had changed a lot since she first picked up his journals, but after her quickness to anger this morning, she knew she still hadn't changed enough. Reliving all the awful things she did was a necessary evil to ensure that she never walked that road again.

After carefully placing the reader into Anakin's backpack, she held the bag close to her. He would see a whole new person when he came home. His happiness would come first, whatever he wanted. Even if she had to stand aside while he married Ismay, she would support him.

She didn't feel quite ready to face it yet, but when the time came, she would love him enough to let him go.


	20. Chapter 20

_Chapter 20_

Luke was the first to make it to the top of the ramp leading into the ship. He watched anxiously as the others followed, much too slow for his liking. Unable to contain his excitement any longer, he ducked inside and hurried to the pilot's chair. His eyes lit up as he gently brushed his hand over the controls and he barely noticed when Leia came in and sat in the chair next to him.

"Mommy won't let you, you know," she said.

He glanced at her sideways with a look of annoyance. "Well, duh! That's why I'm going to ask Uncle Obi Wan."

"Ask Uncle Obi Wan what?"

The twins turned to find their mother and uncle studying them closely. Ignoring Padme's question, Luke pressed his hands together tightly. "Please Uncle? Please?" he begged as he bounced up and down.

Obi Wan gave a tired sigh and shifted uncomfortably.

"Only when your father is with you, Luke. You know that. I'm sorry, but..."

"But I can do it! And when Daddy can't be here, you're supposed to stand in for him. Please!"

The jedi master rubbed a hand over his face, his expression pained. "No, not now."

Luke crossed his arms over his chest, glaring at Obi Wan. After a few minutes, it became clear his attempt at intimidation wasn't going to work. With a grunt, he threw down his arms. "It's not fair!" he yelled as he stomped off toward the back of the ship.

Padme just looked on in shock as Obi Wan slumped down in the chair and readied for take off. Leia looked up at her as she followed in her brother's footsteps. Rolling her eyes and shaking her head, she said, "You know those stubborn Skywalker men, Mommy."

Padme nodded wordlessly, still unsure as to what just happened. Knowing how upset Obi Wan was, she decided to wait for him to tell her about it. Once they were finally on their way, he locked in their coordinates and pushed away from the console. When he turned to look at her, she could see the deep creases of exhaustion in his face, the look of defeat in his eyes. He was always the model jedi, a pillar of strength and the picture of serenity. Seeing him looking so broken was unnerving.

"He could do it, you know," he began. "Anakin hasn't taught him how to fly the speeders or starfighters yet because the speed and maneuverability they're capable of, but larger ships like this one are easy for him. I could have let him. It's just..." He put a fist to his mouth, choking back a sob and swallowing tears. "It's Anakin's place to fly with him. It's their special thing. I'm not ready to...I can't take his place. They need him so much and I would be just a poor substitute. What if I fail? What if I can't bring him back to them?" 

"Oh Obi Wan..." she whispered.

She reached for him, but he stood quickly, avoiding her attempt to console him. He wiped his cheeks and ran his hands through his hair a few times while staring at the floor.

"This, this is all so crazy. I haven't cried like this since I was in the creche. Why didn't I go? Why didn't I insist he stay with his family where he belongs? He's always so stubborn and to keep arguing with him seemed senseless at the time. Why didn't I, though? Maybe just a few more minutes or one more mention of how much the twins needed him would have changed his mind."

"No. It wouldn't have changed anything. We both know that. Stop doing this to yourself. Go lay down in the back and rest. You'll be able to think more rationally once you've had some sleep."

He thought a moment before slowly nodding. "I told him the same thing back when he was trying to save you. He was so driven, he completely ignored his own basic needs. I understand how he felt now and why he didn't take my advice. It seems impossible to rest when someone you love is in danger, but I will try. Thank you, Padme. I apologize for the outburst. I just feel so...lost right now. I'm sorry."

He didn't move away this time when she pulled him into a gentle embrace. "You have nothing to apologize for. I know you're going to do everything in your power to bring him home. That's all any of us can ask. That's all you can ask of yourself. The rest is up to the will of the Force."

Pulling back to look at her, he rubbed her cheek with the back of his fingers. "You've changed Padme. Anakin would be so happy to see you like this."

I have changed, she thought as she watched him leave. Just not enough. Not yet, anyway. She stared at the bag by her feet for a minute before picking it up. Closing her eyes, she opened the flap, breathing in the scent of wildflowers before reaching for the datareader. There was just one more thing she had to reconcile in her mind before she could truly let go and move forward, before she felt strong enough to delve into his painful past again. She needed to see Anakin's point of view from that confrontation, the one she looked at as the final break in their marriage.

The last entry she had read flashed onto the screen, bringing back the terrible memories.

_I have decided that confessing everything to Obi Wan is the only solution. Padme is angry with me, but I feel there is no other choice. She doesn't know what I've seen. She's going to be even more upset when I have her sent to Naboo, but it's the only way. Twins. This should be such a happy time, but the Force has both blessed and cursed me at once. Everything will work out and they will be safe, even if it takes my death. I saw the healers, everything is as it should be. I'll give the remote to him, make sure he will use it if he has to. Why did I have to be the Chosen One?_

Things hadn't been right between them to begin with, but they went really wrong after Anakin's confession to Obi Wan and the Council. In his frantic quest to find a way to keep her from dying, he showed no regard for her wishes or feelings. She had planned to stay on Coruscant until the last possible moment, continuing to secretly work with the other senators to get the petition ready and have their concerns addressed. Instead, Anakin had other ideas for her and with the support of the jedi order, there was no way she could refuse. The jealousy she felt over him saying another woman's name and the suspicion that he had gotten her pregnant on purpose nagged at the back of her mind but his final act of treachery sealed her anger and mistrust for him.  
She closed her eyes once again, remembering that day and the pain it brought, clearly. He came to her, walking with a determined stride. When he spoke though, there was a quiet desparation in his voice...

Despite the fear, he had that boyish grin on his face when he broke the news to her.

"Padme, please listen. We've been given a wonderful gift. You're carrying twins. You have to trust me when I tell you that you have to go home. Terrible things are going to happen here and I need you to be safe. I know you don't want anyone to know, but the time for that has passed. You need to be protected. Stop fighting me on this."

"I will not run and hide, Anakin. I'm not going to die, I promise you. There is still time, I'll go to Naboo when I'm ready, when you're free to come with me."

He shook his head in frustration. "You need to go now. I have things to take care of and it could be dangerous for you to wait. I'll come as soon as this is all over. Please," he pleaded, "Please don't argue anymore, time is growing short. You haven't seen what I have..."

She put a hand on his shoulder, trying to calm him. "What is it Anakin? What else have you seen?"

He looked away, unable to meet her eyes. "I've seen too much. You just have to trust me when I tell you it's best for you to go home now."

His choice of words struck a nerve in her. "Trust you? That's how I got into this mess in the first place, by trusting you."

"What?" He looked confused but she didn't bother to clarify her accusation. Instead, she walked to the fresher, hesitating in the doorway.

"I don't need you telling me what to do and I won't be going to Naboo until I decide to. That's final." With that, she closed the door, locking him out.

She heard his strangled cry of anger and the Huttesse curses he spewed freely, but he made no attempt to open the door as she had expected. Instead, he left the apartment abruptly, giving her the impression that she had actually won the argument. Her smug feeling of victory didn't last long. He came back only a few hours later with Obi Wan and two other jedi masters. His ultimatum was clear, go willingly or by force. She stormed off to the bedroom feeling humiliated and betrayed, unaware that it was going to get worse.

"Who does he think he is, anyway?" she hissed while throwing her clothing into the open suitcase. "I'm a grown woman, quite capable of taking care of myself and he has to come charging in, telling me what I have to do. Being pregnant doesn't make me an invalid. I can still make my own decisions, something he obviously needs to be reminded of."

Looking toward the closet, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Walking slowly toward it, she studied her body as though seeing it for the first time. Not only had she been hiding it from the world, she had hidden it from herself. Now the truth was out. Concealing her rounded belly was no longer necessary. As she ran her hands over the tight skin, she felt the gentle stirring of their children and her mood softened. No matter how she had gotten pregnant and what he had done in the past, it was clear that he loved her and his babies very much. His obnoxious behavior right now was only because he wanted to protect her.

By the time the packing was finished, she felt more at peace. The love she had for Anakin was stronger than anything and they would make it through this somehow. They were going to be a family. Smiling at that thought, she went to tell him that her bag was ready. When she got to the end of the hall, the words Anakin spoke made her freeze in her tracks.

"...was the worst mistake of my life! Obi Wan, I wish she had never become a senator so that she wouldn't have been brought back into my life. I want her to be someone else's wife, carrying another man's child. I wish I had never married her!"

His words took her breath away and she suddenly felt faint. Not wanting to hear anymore, she hurried back to her room, locking herself in the fresher once again. The shock slowly began to wear off, leaving behind the excruciating pain and emptiness that threatened to consume her. She fought the tears for a few minutes, but when they finally came, they didn't provide the release she needed. Instead, they burned her eyes and throat, increasing the hurt and fueling her anger. Her husband was a liar, no better than the rutting dogs he spoke of. And she was a fool to have believed him.

As she wiped away the tears and carefully applied some makeup to hide her pink nose and puffy eyes, she made a decision. Anakin Skywalker would regret the day he ever met her. She would make sure of it.

He was waiting for her, his arms crossed over his chest in a defensive posture, the look on his face hard.

"My things are ready," she spoke harshly. 

His eyes wavered and he glanced toward his former Master. Obi Wan clapped him on the back and he turned back to her with a new resolve.

"It has to be this way, Padme. You'll see this is for the best."

She fought the urge to slap the arrogant look off his face, instead deciding to hurt him in a more personal way. Her eyes narrowed as she spoke.

"You're a bastard."

He blinked at her words but his expression remained unchanged. "It's not the first time I've heard that," was his cold reply.

She walked past him, heading for the door. "Wait," he called, but she refused to turn around or even acknowledge his final words to her.

"I love you, Padme. Be safe."

_Liar_, she thought as she greeted her jedi escorts.

"Excuse me, Miss Padme," Threepio's voice startled her, bringing her back to the present. "Artoo would like to have a few words with you, if you don't mind. He's wondering..."

The smaller droid let out a shrill whine, cutting him off.

_I can speak for myself, you know._

Threepio tilted his head, obviously insulted. "Well, I was only trying to help. What if she doesn't understand your warbling?"

_I used to belong to her, Captain Clueless. Are you getting senile?_

"You don't have to be so rude! That's the last time I try to be of service to you." He started walking to the back of the ship, muttering as he went. "Cocky astromech droids think they know everything. You're as difficult as your Master at times. Really..."

Padme couldn't help but smile as she gazed down on the little droid, thinking how Artoo and Anakin were the perfect match.

"Is there something you need, Artoo?"

_I want to know what you're going to do with me. If Master Anakin doesn't come back._

"Do with you?" She wasn't sure what he was asking, exactly.

_You can't sell me for scrap. Master Anakin left papers...I'm to stay with the twins. I want to be with Luke._

Once again, she smiled at him. She had never seen such devotion in a droid before. Was he really feeling insecure?

"Of course you won't be sold. If you can't be by Anakin's side, your place is with Luke. I realize that."

_Good. I just thought...well, seeing how you feel about the Master, that you wouldn't want me around._

She sighed. Even Artoo was aware of her bad behavior. "I love Anakin and I'm not angry anymore. Even so, you're part of the family, I would never sell you." 

He seemed satisfied with the answer.

_Thank you. Are we going to Master Anakin's house or yours?_

"My apartment is in the process of being packed up. I guess for now, we'll be staying at Anakin's. Why?"

He let out a moan of worry.

"What's wrong?"

He hesitated a moment before answering. _When you see his home, you're going to be angry again._

"Why?"

_You'll see,_ was his curt reply, as he quickly retreated to the back.

She turned to stare out into the blackness of space, watching the light from the stars blur as they flew by.

"What other surprises do you have in store for me, Anakin?" she asked the empty sky.

Facing whatever waited for her on Coruscant was going to seem easy compared to reliving the past. The reader sat in her lap, still blinking on the last entry. Hopefully the next one would shed some light on the hateful words he had said about her and their marriage so she could finally let it go.

_Well, she refused to go on her own, so now I have no other choice. This goes against everything that I believe in, everything that I am, but it must be done. Obi Wan will be there to make sure I don't falter. This is for the best. It's what has to happen. But when she looks at me with those eyes...  
No. I will not let her get to me. I will be the jedi I was supposed to be, emotionless and steadfast...on the outside, at least. Inside, I'll be dying._

Obi Wan flinched as a loud crash sounded from the bedroom. He saw the unease on Anakin's face, sensed his desire to go to his wife, to tell her that he was wrong and she could stay. This was harder than he had imagined.

"That was just a drawer slamming, she wouldn't do anything to hurt herself. Pregnant women have mood swings, making things seem worse," Obi Wan told him.

Anakin looked at the other masters and gestured toward the door. "Would the two of you mind if I had a word in private with Master Kenobi?" 

Both of them smiled at him. "Of course, Anakin. Try not to worry, all will be well. We will help to calm her and make her see this is for the best. She should be convinced by our journey's end." 

"Thank you," he spoke softly as they stepped from the room. As he turned to Obi Wan, his facade of confidence began to falter and his shoulders slumped slightly. "This is the right thing to do, isn't it Master?"

He quickly offered the reassurance Anakin desparately needed.

"Yes, I believe so. And so does The Council. They will see her safely to her family and remain by her side until you can go to her. The medical centers on Naboo have the finest technology available. Any complication during childbirth should be easy for them to handle. Everything will be okay."

"But what about the other visions? What if I want to hurt her?"

"The visions you have had are only a possible outcome to the future. If it were to come to that, they will do everything within their power to protect her from you."

Anakin clenched his fists in frustration. "No! You can't let it come to that! Obi Wan, you promised. You will use the remote, right? At any sign of my turning, you'll use it." 

Obi Wan frowned, uncomfortable with the request. "I did promise and I will hold to that. But Anakin, what a horrible way to die. Are you absolutely sure this is what you want?"

A single tear ran down his cheek as the image of Cadia's pained face flashed before him. "I'm sure. The explosion from the transmitter is small- just enough to damage the heart so that it stops. It's a fairly quick death."

"We're not going to find out. As soon as we have dealt with the Chancellor, you will have that awful thing removed. I don't know how you talked the healers into..."

"No, it won't be removed until Padme has delivered the children safely and we're sure that I'm not a threat to her." He grabbed at his hair in anquish. "How could I have been so stupid? Believing his lies all these years? He used my love for Padme as a weapon against me. She could have been killed because of me. Trusting Palpatine was the worst mistake of my life! Obi Wan, I wish she had never become a senator so that she wouldn't have been brought back into my life. I want her to be someone else's wife, carrying another man's child. I wish I had never married her!"

He fell to his knees, breathing heavily. Obi Wan knelt beside him, feeling helpless. "You don't mean that, Anakin. I know you don't."

"I do. Our marriage vows may have been her death sentence. She should be glowing with happiness right now, not with anger. She should have created life with a man worthy of her. Not a failed jedi who has been blind to the darkness around him, darkness that could cost her her life. It was so selfish of me, wanting her love. I was incomplete without her, but I would gladly go back to that if she could just be safe...if she would just be happy. She deserves so much better."

"She wanted _you_. She chose _you_. Everything you are doing is for her own good, even if she doesn't like it or can't see that right now. After we confront Palpatine, you'll be able to go to her and make her understand. Right now, you must calm yourself. None of this is going to be easy."

"He won't surrender, will he? We're going to have to kill him."

Obi Wan nodded in agreement. "We will do what we must. Stand up now, Padme will be coming out soon and you wouldn't want her to see you like this." 

Anakin looked down in embarrassment. "No, definately not. She would probably end up coming with us instead of being taken home." Obi Wan reached out a hand, laughing as he pulled his friend up. It was clear that the younger man was not amused. "What? What could you possibly find funny at a time like this?"

He laughed a little harder at the question. "Well, I was thinking about all we've been through over the years, all the enemies we've faced. You're the Chosen One, Anakin. You've killed a Sith lord. And yet," he gestured back toward the bedroom, "that little woman managed to bring you to your knees easily."

He smiled but the look in his eyes was serious. "That little woman is the reason I breathe."

Obi Wan surprised him, by hugging him close. "We're going to get through this. You just have to be tough a little longer. She'll forgive you once she realizes."

Anakin pulled away, clearing the emotion from his throat while straightening to his full height. With a deep breath, he set his jaw and turned to face the entryway where Padme would be appearing soon. He looked to his closest friend, showing one last moment of weakness. "Force help me if she cries," he whispered.

_They are safely on their way, but she hates me. I knew she would be angry, but I didn't expect our parting to be that ugly. Before the door even shut behind her, I wanted to run to her and take it all back, tell her she could stay. But I know it has to be this way, for now._

Ruwee has made the arrangements for a caregiver to stay at the house with them and he is going to do his best to make her understand that I only did this because I love her. He told me letting go of her was a selfless act, but I feel horrible, forcing her against her will. Nothing is going to be right until I can go to her and know that things are okay between us. They have to be. We are about to bring two new lives into the world.

I'm supposed to be resting, but sleep just won't come. We're going to face the Chancellor tomorrow and put an end to this. I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to leave this life with Padme hating me. I want to see my children born. I'm anxious to feel their weight in my arms, to watch them as they sleep. I don't deserve any of that, but I want it, still. I pray they will be safe and if I fail once again, my death will be the consequence, not theirs.

I love you, Padme. You and my babies...more than words can say. 


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21 

Padme's breath came in ragged gasps as the flood of tears began to slow down. After learning so much about Anakin recently, she thought that something had to be wrong with her interpretation of his words that night, that they had been taken out of context somehow. Knowing this, she felt fully prepared to see his side of the story. She didn't expect it to be without pain, but she was completely shocked by the violent tide of emotion his words brought to her. 

His love and the level of commitment to her safety were beyond anything she could have imagined. She had to fight the urge to be sick when she read of him having the implant put in. The fact that he was willing to die in the same manner his precious friend did overwhelmed her. He was ready to make the ultimate sacrifice for his family but her pride would not let her see that at the time. Now more than ever, she hated herself for that.

With shaking hands, she wiped the dampness from her cheeks and pressed gently on her eyelids. The sharp pain in her head had returned, blurring her vision slightly. With everything going on, she still hadn't gone to see her medic yet. After months of living with the dull ache in her skull, she had grown accustomed to it. Only when it threatened her vision or made the room spin, did she give it a second thought.

"Please," she whispered, "no more. Help me to be strong. Once Anakin is found, I'll have this taken care of, but for now...please." 

After several minutes of calming breathing techniques, the pain eased a bit and she was able to focus on the words once again. She searched through the discs, finding the earliest one and placing it in the reader. When the first entry came up on the screen, she was surprised that it was dated a little over a year since Anakin had been brought to the temple. Even though so many months had passed, he was still having trouble adjusting to his new life.

_Sometimes I think it's colder in the temple than it is in space. Everyone here is so emotionless, it's scary. Even the other padawans that are my age are like this. The only time they show any sign of feeling, is when they look at me in that guarded way. For the most part, they've been polite but it ends there. Noone wants to become too friendly with The Chosen One, whatever that means. I miss Kitster and Wald and all the others. I want to be liked. I want to fit in. I wish Mom and Padme were here._

Many of the entries were similar to the first, as Anakin struggled to find his place among the others in the jedi order. He felt isolated and misunderstood most of the time, increasing the need for his mother's love and the longing for Padme's companionship. Even forming a bond with Obi Wan proved difficult at first. The older jedi was still grieving the loss of his own master while trying to adjust to having a padawan of his own. A padawan unlike any other.

Anakin sensed conflicting thoughts from Obi Wan often, confusing him even more. At times, the older jedi looked at him in awe and he almost felt appreciated and cared for. At others, though, he picked up on feelings of resentment and wariness, making him feel more alone than ever before. It took a long time for each of them to overcome their losses, but eventually they managed to look past their heartache and become comfortable with one another. 

Padme was not unaware of the problems Anakin and Obi Wan had faced during their early years together, so she skimmed over many of the entries. Her heart was heavy enough, she didn't think she could bear to relive any more of his childhood torment. When there was more time, she could go back, but for now, her curiosity about Jade drove her forward.

Anakin carefully documented the details of each mission and every planet he visited, but any mention of the flesh houses was brief. Even in just a few words, the disdain he had for them and the men who patronized them was obvious, especially Obi Wan. When she finally came to the entry she was looking for, it was apparent that Anakin's patience for these visits had run out.

_It was too good to be true. The negotiations went well and we were on our way home a few days early. No matter how cramped my room at the temple feels, I still look forward to returning there and sleeping in my own bed at the end of a mission. But no, Obi Wan has other ideas. _

"We'll just make a quick stop on Ord Mantell, see some of the local culture, take in some of the nightlife. There is a lot to see and do," he told me.

I know what he wants to do, and there is no culture involved. I can't keep doing this, it has to stop. I hate him sometimes.

Padme wondered what Anakin was referring to when he said he couldn't keep doing this. Was he talking about just being at the houses or something more? Her answer came in his next entry, dated two days later.

_Obi Wan and I had it out today and I made my stand. I won't go back anymore. I can't. All along I've known how wrong it is for me to be anywhere near those places, let alone inside them, but I managed to stuff those feelings down. Spending the night with Jade opened a lot of old wounds and I can no longer ignore the ghosts from my past. The old man says he understands, but he doesn't...not really. If he saw things through my eyes, he would never want to go back either. Well let him do what he wants, I don't care. If we don't have a ship or it isn't nearby, I'll sleep outside._

When we arrived at The Gentleman's Den last night, the hostess seemed pleased to see us. The smell of her perfume made my eyes water, as she came between us, entwining her arms with ours.

"Come," she said as she pulled us toward a hallway that was just off the main greeting room, "You can have dinner and refresh yourselves before the party gets into full swing. It's always good to have the jedi with us."

I averted my eyes as we passed through that first room, not looking at the few women that were already gathered there. Not that I didn't want to see them, I just knew it was going to be a long night and I didn't need any images swirling around in my head, making it even harder.

We were seated at a long table with a few other travel weary men. One of them gave us a quick nod in greeting but the others kept their eyes on their plates, hurrying to finish. Our meal was served by an older woman who looked surprised when I thanked her. Basic manners seem to be a forgotten art in this type of place. The food was good and by the time we were finishing up, we were the only ones left in the dining room.

The hostess reappeared, explaining where the showers were and asking if we needed anything else. It's always the same, every trip. As soon as I ask for a room by myself, it gets awkward.

Madam Largent looked confused, like she didn't understand the request. "I assure you, my girls are quite beautiful. Surely at least one of them will be to your liking."

Obi Wan took her by the hand, leading her a few steps away from Anakin. "Please, no offense is meant. I'm sure your girls are more than suitable. The boy just prefers to spend his nights alone."

She turned to look at Anakin, letting her critical gaze sweep from the floor up to his eyes. "If your tastes are different than what we offer here, there is another house just down the street that may interest you." 

Anakin let out a sigh and looked away from her. Obi Wan laughed quietly. "No, you misunderstand. He is still studying for his trials and wants to keep focused. And besides," he lowered his voice, "the boy is idealistic. His mind is on the girl back home."

"Oh," she moved back to Anakin, placing a hand under his chin, "that is adorable! Of course I have a place for you. Come."

She led them to a room that was just off the kitchen. Along one wall were shelves holding pots and pans. Opposite that was a chair with a reading lamp next to it and a small bed.

"Occasionally one of the deliverymen will stay here, or the cook when the weather is bad. The sheets are clean and I will bring you another blanket. Okay?" 

Anakin managed a grateful smile. "Yes, thank you." Once she was gone, the smile disappeared and he glared at his master. "Trials? The girl back home? You don't have to lie for me, you know. What's wrong with telling the truth? Just once I'd like to say how people profiting off other's pain is sickening to me."

"It isn't like that. These women aren't prisoners here, you know." 

"Yeah, and I'm not a prisoner of the jedi order, either, but what other choice do I have?" He walked to the door, pulling it open in anger before storming down the hall. Obi Wan ran to catch up with him.

"Anakin..."

He stopped and held up a hand. "I don't want to talk about this anymore. I'm going to take a shower. I suggest you take one too, loverboy. You stink."

_Obi Wan came in just as I was putting my dirty tunics into the clothes fresher but I didn't acknowledge his presence. Once I was safely in the stall with the warm water running down my face, the tears I was holding in came freely. My girl back home was dead seven years now because of me and the type of men who frequent these places. Just being there was like failing her all over again. No amount of hot water could ever wash away the dirty feeling. _

Obi Wan had showered and gone by the time I finally shut off the water. Instead of grabbing a towel right away, I just stood, looking at my naked body in the mirror. Everything was changing so fast. I looked like a man now. How many times did she tell me I would be a good man someday? And yet here I was, standing in a place that she had nightmares about being sent to. What would she think of me now?

Droplets of water ran down my chest and stomach, sending a chill up my spine when they went even further. On the outside, I look like a man. In my jedi robes, I'm the picture of strength and virtue. Looks can be deceiving. I'm not good. Not yet. And inside, I'm still just that weak little boy.

------------------------ 

After folding my clean clothes and putting them back into my pack, I settled onto the small bed, anxious to get some rest. It wasn't long before I felt my body relaxing, as sleep slowly rolled over me like a gentle wave. My mind was just beginning to release all conscious thought when I felt someone else in the room. Even though I sensed no danger, I waited for my mind to fully wake up before opening my eyes. When I did, I found myself staring into the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen. It startled me. 

The girl kneeling by the side of the bed tilted her head in curiosity when Anakin pointed toward the lamp, increasing the light in the room. Propping himself up on an elbow, he looked her over. Her hair was dark and it hung loosely around her face. The paint on her face was thick, but under it, he could see that she was no more than a child. She smiled at him and carefully reached out to touch his hand. 

"You're a jedi, aren't you?" she asked.

"Yes, I am. What are you doing in here? It's late."

She looked down for a moment, pursing her lips. "Well, I'm hiding. But I saw you come in and I wanted to meet you. You aren't like the usual customers who come here. Why aren't you out at the party?"

He sat up fully, leaning his back against the wall. Patting the space next to him, he invited her to sit with him. When she stood, he saw that she was a little taller than he expected, but she would still barely come up to his chest.

"Why are you hiding? Is your mother angry that you got into her makeup?" It was an innocent question, but he saw the anger cross her petite features immediately.

"My mother is dead. I work here."

He didn't even try to hide the disgust in his voice. "Work here? But you're so young!"

She let out a sigh. "Most men like that. Besides, I'm not that young. I'm sixteen."

He studied her for a moment, more memories of Cadia stirring in his mind. "How did you end up working here and who are you hiding from?"

She looked him over, debating whether to share her secrets with him or not. Something about him made her feel comfortable, almost safe. "I'm hiding from Nex. I hate him, but unfortunately, I'm his favorite. He's a huge man and he's never gentle. He also has an aversion to bathing." She laughed softly. "You wanna know the secret to pleasing a woman in bed?" she asked.

Her question brought a flush of embarrassment to his cheeks and he just shrugged.

"The best way to please a woman in bed is to make sure you take a shower before getting into it."

Her words helped to lighten the mood and he held his hand out to her.

"I'm Anakin Skywalker."

"My name is Jade. Do you want some company for the night, Anakin?" 

"Company? I, uh...I don't usually...um," he stammered, not wanting to hurt her feelings. Suddenly, Obi Wan's lies didn't seem so bad and he found them easily slipping off his tongue. "I have to keep focused on my training and, you know, the girl back home."

"Oh. I understand. Can I just stay here with you? We could talk."

The hopeful look on her face tugged at his heart and before he realized it, he was inviting her to stay. "Sure, you can hide here as long as you need to." 

She immediately threw her arms around his neck, kissing him on the cheek. "Thank you!"

He pulled gently on her hands, untangling himself from her embrace. "You don't have to thank me."

She smiled warmly at him. "Nevertheless, I am grateful," she paused, reaching up to pull on his padawan braid. "So, tell me about yourself, Anakin. Where do jedi come from?"

Seeing the inquisitive look on her face, he decided not to hold back. "Beings who are force sensitive come from all over the galaxy. My home was on Tatooine. I'm different from the others in the jedi order because I was raised by my mother. We were slaves..."

Anakin spoke for awhile, glossing over the hardships of being a slave, never mentioning the loss of Cadia. He told her of his chance meeting with Qui Gon, downplaying the feat of winning the podrace by merely telling her his freedom was won with a bet. He told her about his adjustment to his new life and about some of the more interesting missions they had been on. There was no talk of prophecies or expectations

Jade listened intently, asking questions here and there. When he was finished his story, her eyes were wide with wonder. "Wow Anakin, you've had quite a life in such a short time. I wish I could see some of those places." 

"Maybe you will."

Her smile faltered. "It isn't likely. I hope to get out of here someday, but I know those are just dreams."

"How..." he hesitated a minute, wondering if his question would hurt her. "How did you end up here?"

Her eyes hardened, but her voice was still soft. "My stepfather. When my Mother died, he decided the credits he could get for selling me were worth more to him than having a daughter. I was only thirteen, but he said I was going to be trouble, said he could see it in my eyes and the way men looked at me. I didn't know anything about that kind of thing, though. I just wanted my Mom and Abrina back."

She stared at the floor, a wistful look on her face. "Abrina? Your sister?"

Jade laughed quietly. "No, Abrina was my babydoll. My real Daddy bought her for me when I was little. She was so pretty, with sleepy eyes and a frilly dress. I was getting too old for her, but after Daddy died, holding her made me think of him. My stepfather took her away from me right before he brought me here. I know it's silly, at my age, but I really miss her. Especially after..." she looked down at her chest, covering a hand over the locket that lay there. 

Anakin just watched, wondering why her mood suddenly changed. Reaching behind her neck, she undid the clasp to the chain.

"I'll show you my secret, Anakin," she told him as she activated the holo inside the locket. "In my mind, her name is Abrina, too." 

He studied the small image projected from the palm of her hand, swallowing hard as more memories surfaced. The holo was of a sleeping baby, pink and chubby. He looked to Jade, hoping he was wrong in his assumptions. When she spoke, the sadness in her voice cut through him.

"She was born less than a year after I got here. It happens to almost everyone, kind of an initiation. Well, among the younger girls anyway. I didn't know there were ways to not...have it happen. She was the same size as Abrina and the nights when my arms feel empty, I wish I had my doll back."

He struggled to find his voice, silently cursing Obi Wan again for bringing them here. "She's beautiful. What happened?"

She shrugged, feigning indifference but he could sense her pain clearly. "There are no slaves in the Republic, Anakin. Madam bought a ten year contract of service when she paid my stepfather for me. It states that any children I bear in that time, are hers. That's why she doesn't go out of her way to show the new girls how to prevent pregnancy. My baby girl brought her a lot of money on the market. In return, I got a year taken off my contract."

He looked at the holo again, thinking how cruel life could be. He knew from experience that his words of comfort would be inadequate, but still he offered them.

"I'm sorry. I understand what it's like to lose someone you love."

She smiled at him. "Thank you, Anakin. It's okay, I've learned to accept it. She's better off. If I had been allowed to keep her, she would have been raised into this life. She'll have better now."

"You're going to get out of here someday. You'll have better, too."

She pursed her lips in thought as she refastened her necklace. "I used to think that, but not anymore. I'll be twenty two when my contract is up. It's hard to leave this life. Right now we get ten percent of our earnings. That barely covers personal necessities. When the contract expires, I can stay here and keep half the money I bring in. Without savings or an education, where else will I go? All of us dream of getting out, but few do. Of those few, most end up coming back."

He just nodded, knowing she was right. Jade yawned and stood to stretch. As she raised her arms, the flimsy shirt she was wearing shifted up, revealing a jagged scar across her lower stomach. Without thinking, Anakin reached out for her.

"Who hurt you, Jade?"

"What? Oh," she quickly pulled down her shirt, taking his hands off her hips in the process and sitting down next to him once again. "Nobody hurt me. It just looks bad because it didn't heal well. It's how the baby was born."

Anakin shook his head in disbelief. "But that isn't how..."

"It is when you're too small to give birth the regular way."

"Oh," was all he could say as overwhelming thoughts of Bastion's difficult birth came to mind. Cadia had been older and stronger than this girl and it was so hard for her. He could only imagine how bad it had been for Jade. He put his hand on her cheek and she closed her eyes and leaned into it. "I'm so sorry," he whispered.

She stayed that way for a few minutes before opening her eyes to look at him closely. Without a word, she leaned in and pressed her mouth to his. The kiss was warm and soft, like nothing Anakin had ever experienced before. Without thinking, he raised his hand to the back of her head, bringing her in closer. It wasn't until she let out a small groan of satisfaction, that he realized what they were doing and pulled away. He saw the hurt cross her face immediately.

"Jade, it's not you. I promised myself a long time ago that I would wait for things to be right before I slept with anyone. I don't want to do anything that would hurt you."

"You wouldn't hurt me, Anakin. I'd like to be with you."

"It isn't that simple. After tonight, I'll never see you again. I just...I just can't do something so intimate and then just walk away. And I could never take the chance that a child I created would become a sad secret in a locket."

Instead of being angry, she smiled at him. "I understand." She pulled gently on his braid again. "There are all kinds of men in this world Anakin, but someday, you're going to be a lover."

He wasn't sure what she meant, but her words made his cheeks hot just the same. Jade saw his confusion and continued. "Men like Nex like to be mean and nasty. Others are just quick and careless, without much thought. With some it isn't so bad, but its still just a cold business transaction. There are a rare few though, that go out of their way to be gentle and kind. They make me feel loved and cared for, if only briefly. You'll be one of those men, Anakin. I can tell."

His cheeks felt like they were flaming by now, but he managed a smile. She looked down at her lap, suddenly shy. "Can I stay here with you tonight? We'll just sleep. Maybe you could hold me and I can feel safe."

He groaned inwardly, wondering if he had enough willpower to spend the entire night with her without compromising his beliefs. As he was about to politely decline, using the excuse he needed to meditate, she whispered softly, "please?" He came undone hearing the sadness in her voice and before he knew it, he agreed. With some reservation in his heart, he climbed under the blankets, laying against the wall while motioning for her to join him.

_She settled in with her back against me, grabbing my arm and bringing it over her in the process. Taking my hand in hers, she lightly rubbed the palm before meshing our fingers together. She sighed and mentioned how my hand was both rough and gentle at the same time. I shifted slightly, working my way into a more comfortable position. It felt awkward, even a little embarrassing, laying with her so intimately, but she acted as though it were the most natural thing in the world. Her breathing began to slow and she melted even farther into my body. Before finally giving in to sleep, she looked over her shoulder and whispered,_

"I'm a light sleeper, if you want to wake me up for anything."

Her eyelids closed slowly, shutting out the look of seduction. As she slept, I became aware of two things. How good she felt in my arms, and how rigid I was holding my body in an effort to remain in control. Her skin was soft and her hair had that flowery girly smell that I didn't realize I liked so much. It suddenly dawned on me the trouble I was in. I called on the Force, pulling it around me as protection from the thoughts I was struggling against. I had almost fooled myself into thinking it was a battle I could win, when she pulled my hand in closer, pressing it against the softness of her breast. A string of curses went through my mind as my body betrayed me. My cheeks grew hot, and I was glad she wasn't awake to feel the effect she had on me.

Once again, I worked on concentrating on something other than the situation, but it was no use. Her backside was pressed flush against me, and what started out feeling so good, was quickly becoming painful. That's when the rationalizations began.

This was different, I told myself. I was different than the others. We were the same age and she wanted to be with me. I wouldn't be just another in the long line of men who had taken advantage of her, she came to my bed willingly. She had asked to be here. What difference could one night make? One encounter? It would just be this one time...

As the conflict inside me raged on, Jade shifted herself once more. My hand came to rest on her ribs, and I could feel how tiny she was. The image of the angry red scar that was only a few inches below my fingers came into my mind and everything felt so wrong all at once. As much as my body desired her, my heart and my mind rebelled against it. This was not what I wanted. It wasn't right. I tried thinking of Cadia, but it had the opposite effect. The ache and longing I had for her made me want to reach out to Jade even more. It wasn't until I remembered the smug look on Reen's face that I was finally able to get control of my urges. Anger and hate welled inside me, erasing any tender feelings I had. Giving in to what I was feeling would make me no better than him.

It was a long night, but focusing on the anger helped me to get through until exhaustion finally took over. I fell asleep thinking I would never let myself get into a situation like this again. The next time Obi Wan wanted to soak up some culture, he'd be on his own.

When Obi Wan opened the door in the morning, it took me a moment to realize where I was. Jade had rolled over during the night, her head resting on my chest. He made a quick exit, but not before I saw the cocky look on his face.

When Anakin and Jade arrived at the breakfast table, Obi Wan was already busy eating. He had a knowing grin on his face, and when he opened his mouth to speak, Anakin glared at him, shaking his head ever so slightly. The tension in the air was thick, and the silence was only broken occasionally when the cook came to refill their plates and drinks. When Anakin finished, he grabbed his pack and went to wait by the door while Obi Wan bid their hostess farewell. Jade was standing with him and she motioned for him to bend down so she could whisper in his ear. Her breath was warm on his skin, and for a moment, he felt a pang of both regret and relief that his time with her was over.

"Thank you for not waking me, Anakin. I hope your girl realizes how lucky she is. Be safe."

He accepted the kiss she gave him and hugged her briefly before wishing her well. When she mentioned his girl, thoughts of Padme crossed his mind for the first time and he was glad. His refusal to become a man as Obi Wan thought he should was about more than just an infatuation or a belief that he would marry her someday. It was about himself, and the kind of man he wanted to be. Or, maybe more importantly, the kind of man he _didn't_ want to be.

_We were barely out the door when he patted me on the back and started congratulating me. I wanted to hit him. He never listens. I've only been telling him how much these houses repulse me for years, and yet he thought I could be so easily swayed? Even if I had been, it wouldn't have been anything to celebrate. I would have been hating myself. It's just something he will never get. Just like he'll never understand me._

We argued for awhile before he realized he was wrong. I don't think he believed me when I swore I'll never go back, but time will tell. He will see.

As we made our way to the town center, I told him I'd meet him at the docking bay shortly before our transport home was leaving. He offered to come with me, but I wanted to be alone. I had something personal to take care of. 

The enclosed marketplace was huge, and lively music was playing as Anakin walked through the doors. There were hundreds of shops of every kind, and he had to check a map posted on the wall to locate the two stores he needed to find. The first store was just upstairs from where he was standing and he quickly headed there.

The place was larger than he expected, although it was smaller than the one on Coruscant that he visited every so often. Row after row of glass cases containing sparkling jewelry lined the walkways, but his attention was centered on only one. The salesgirl smiled at him when she saw what he was looking at. 

"Is there anything in particular you'd like to see?" she asked.

He gazed over them one more time before answering her. "I'm not buying anything today. I just need to know the prices of these two," he pointed to a band covered in precious stones and one that was a more simple design.

"Of course," she told him as she pulled them both out so he could get a closer look. "They are both nice pieces. One has a simple elegance about it, the other would be suitable for royalty." 

He handled them carefully, showing no emotion when she told him how expensive they were. He told her he would think about it, thanked her and left. As he made his way to the next store, he made some mental calculations. Even though prices still hadn't risen much, he was still along way off from being able to afford a ring for royalty. And if his next purchase cost as much as he suspected it might, he'd be even further away from the goal. Still, it was something he had to do. Something he wanted to.

The shop was bright, colorful and full of things Anakin had never seen before. It took him a few minutes to take it all in and get acclimated. It seemed everything he wanted to look at was on one side of the store and the thing he needed to buy was on the other. Knowing time was short, he reluctantly moved over to the display he came in for and immediately felt overwhelmed. This obviously was no job for a man. Looking around for a clerk, he spotted someone even better to help him with his quest.

The woman tilted her head slightly at his strange request. "And just what do you want to borrow my daughter for?" she asked.

As the little girl looked up at him with wide eyes, he realized how wrong his question sounded. "No, I just need help picking out a gift. I didn't expect there to be so many of them and I don't know the first thing about them. They all look alike to me. Please, I..."

The young mother laughed at his discomfort. "Of course. Is there anything special you're looking for?"

"No, I just want her to pick out what she would want for herself."

"Okay Bean, help the man find the perfect one."

While the girl was studying the display, a thought occured to Anakin. "Wait. She has to have sleepy eyes and a frilly dress. Do you know what that means?"

She looked at him as though he were kidding. "Of course," she giggled. After a few minutes more, her eyes lit up and she pointed to the top row. "That one."

Anakin carefully pulled the doll down and handed it to her. "It's the size of a real baby, does it feel like one?"

"Oh yes. Mommy, maybe for my birthday? Please?"

The mother took the doll, straightening the dress as she handed it to Anakin. "I'm sorry Bean, you know how much they cost."

She looked at the doll longingly before putting on a brave face and nodding her head. "Maybe someday."

"Someday, Bean. I promise."

Anakin felt a tug at his heart and he motioned for the salesgirl as he checked the pricetag. "I need two of these," he told her as she approached. "Only one of them needs to be wrapped."

_I guess they don't get many requests for things to be shipped to the flesh houses. She asked me if I was sure three times when I told her it was going to The Gentlemen's Den. Then I got a raised eyebrow for not knowing Jade's last name. Like Obi Wan, she can think what she wants. At least little Bean was happy. Her mother cried. I wasn't lying when I told her her daughter did me a great service, I'd probably still be there if it weren't for her. Looking at all those dolls gave me a headache. Give me a nest of gundarks any day over that. It's important for a little girl to have a babydoll to love, but if I have a daughter someday, she'll have to pick out her own. Of course, that all depends on Padme. I hope she can be happy with a poor man's ring. _

They made their way to the back of the ship, away from the other passengers. Obi Wan had something on his mind and Anakin prepared himself for another lecture. He was surprised by the apology he offered.

"I'm sorry, Anakin. I know how you feel, I just don't know why you feel that way. Is there something bothering you? Something you want to tell me?"

He looked away. The pain and shame of losing Cadia was still too fresh. It was tempting to get it off his chest, but he just couldn't.

"There's nothing. I just don't want to go to those places."

"Is this about Padme? I know you have feelings for her. In time, you'll see that it's an impossible situation."

"No, it's about me. Using those girls, one night stands...it's not what I want."

Obi Wan looked pained. "I know, but it's all you're allowed. It's all any of us are allowed as Jedi. You're a young man, have you no interest? No need?"

"Of course I do! I'm a human male! Why do you think this is so difficult for me?"

"But it doesn't have to be! If you could take comfort for just a little while..."

"No! Physical release is one thing, but that doesn't last. I can take no comfort in using another human being like that."

"I wish it could be different, Anakin, but..."

He was at the end of his patience. He stood up, waving a hand at his Master. "Don't bother old man, I've heard it all before."

Moving a few seats over, he searched through his bag for his dataport. He was thoughtful for a few minutes, before turning back to Obi Wan. 

"When are we going back to Corellia?"

He smiled, happy that Anakin was talking to him again, hopeful this episode was behind them.

"For a place you claim to hate, you seem to want to go there often."

He shifted in his chair, refusing to meet his Master's eyes.

"Well, they have some of the best junkyards in the galaxy."

"Only you can find treasure among the trash. You're always looking for something, aren't you?" he laughed softly.

Anakin's face fell for only a moment before he recovered his composure. With a heavy sigh, he said, "That's me...always searching."


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

Obi Wan woke slowly, feeling only slightly better than when he fell asleep. Checking the time, he saw he had been out longer than he expected to be. They would be arriving home soon, and the weight of Anakin's fate settled on his shoulders once again. Decisions made in the next few hours could have life or death consequences. Making mistakes just wasn't an option.

The twins were curled up together on the bunk across from his. Their innocent faces gave no indication of the power they possessed, they looked like any other children. Obi Wan knew different. Both of them were more like their father than most people realized. They had the gifts and control over the Force that Anakin had, only their potential had been harnessed early, and they were not hampered by guilt, doubt or darkness. Obi Wan meant to keep it that way, just as Anakin had wanted.

Master Yoda understood the need to ease them into helping contact Anakin. If something went wrong and he wasn't found alive, the twins couldn't carry the responsibility. He intended to shield them from the feelings of failure that held their father back for so many years. The coming days were going to be the most difficult any of them had ever faced, but he was anxious now to move forward. One way or another, it would all be over soon.

Padme was in the same chair where he had left her, only her feet were curled under her and she was studying the stars. He sensed no great amount of emotion from her, only a contemplative mood. Perhaps the jedi ways had rubbed off over the years. When she turned to him, her expression was blank but her words were warm.

"Sit down, Obi Wan. You look a little more rested, but not much. Did you sleep?"

"I did, although it was a fitful rest. What about you?"

She pointed to the datareader in her lap. "Delving into the past again. I should have had more faith in my husband. He did love me and he did want me to be his wife."

He looked surprised. "You actually had doubts?"

"Yes. And no. I don't know. Misinformation, miscommunication, it's all in the past now. I believed what I wanted to and never gave him the chance to defend himself. Anakin was guilty of almost the same thing, believing only what he wanted. He refused to think anyone would see him as anything other than a failure if he let them in. He didn't give us the benefit of the doubt, just like I didn't give it to him." 

Obi Wan stroked his beard thoughtfully. "I never thought about it that way, but you have a point."

"It's all over now. Things can't be changed. I don't blame him, he was only doing what he thought was best, what felt right to him. He was hurting. I did the same, at first. We were both wrong. Even though he was motivated by insecurity, his refusal to open up to me only made my initial suspicions and reactions worse. I can't apologize for that. What I do need to apologize for is how long I kept the animosity going. I'm ashamed at how cruel I was, there was no reason for it. If he does come back, I wouldn't blame him if he didn't forgive me."

"He will, though. He would do anything for you."

She smiled sadly, clutching the wedding ring around her neck. "I know. I read about his night with Jade and afterward and everything started to click. Anakin has always been kind and loving and good. He just didn't let himself see it." 

"You're still talking to me after reading about that?" 

"Of course. Why wouldn't I?"

"Anakin didn't think very highly of me then. He didn't understand my being comfortable at those places anymore than I understood him not wanting to be there. He was so defensive, he couldn't see that I was worried about him, wanted him to accept his position in life so he wouldn't be hurt. All he could focus on was my sleeping with those women. Truthfully, I didn't even sleep with all of them. A lot of the time it was about companionship and having someone to talk to- someone not under the influence of the Jedi Order. We usually discussed Anakin and my frustration at not being able to get through to him. He was of the world as they were and often they gave helpful advice.  
They didn't feed me the same lines about no emotion or attachment. There wasn't the expectation that I could just make Anakin conform. Their advice was to let him have his feelings, but to gently guide him in the direction he needed to go and to be there for him when things were too difficult. That's what I tried, but he wouldn't let me in." 

She smiled at him. "Obi Wan, I could never think badly of you. What you did at those houses is your business. It's normal to have desires and to try and fulfill them. You were only handling the matter the way you had been taught since birth. Who could fault you for that?"

He smirked. "Anakin could. If I had known about Cadia, things would have been much easier. I thought his objections stemmed from his longing for you and because he thought of those women as slaves. I was hoping he would give in to his physical needs so that he could forget about his determination to marry you. It was just an impossible dream, one that would just get him hurt if he didn't let go of it. I didn't want to see him crushed. I also had a bad feeling that the jedi would be the ones to suffer if he was forced to make a choice between the Order and you."

"And you were right." She paused, thinking about the contract that Jade was forced into. "Even though they weren't legally considered slaves, did you ever think of those women like that?" 

"Not really. Not all houses had shady contracts like that. Some of those women actually enjoyed their work. Being a jedi, I was able to sense who wanted to be there and who didn't. It helped me to rationalize my behavior. I only went with the ones who wanted to be with me."

"Knowing who to sleep with. Well, that's one advantage to being a jedi that I would never have thought of," Padme noted dryly, a twinkle of humor in her eye.

He laughed softly at her comment, before his face turned sober. "It was an advantage I wouldn't have needed at all if I hadn't been a jedi."

Knowing he was hinting at something, she waited for an explanation. He avoided her eyes for a few minutes, pretending to check the navigation system before continuing.

"I understood Anakin more than he realized back then. He wanted to have a relationship with you and I knew how the council would react to that. Holding onto that hope was just going to cause him pain. I kept waiting for his physical need to outweigh his sense of loyalty to that dream so he could take solace in pleasures of the flesh to forget, if even for just a little while, about the love he had to deny himself," he paused, looking away from her again. "That's what I was doing."

Padme was speechless. In all the years she had known him, Obi Wan had been the model detached jedi. At least back in the earlier days, before Anakin's defiance led to changes in the Order. Even after, the only people he had grown close relationships with were Anakin and the twins. As far as she knew, there was never a woman in his life. Was it truly possible that he had once been in love?

As if he had read her thoughts, he answered her unspoken question. "Yes, I had my heart broken a long time ago. It was either let go of my feelings or leave the jedi. There was no other decision to be made. I gave her up because of my obligation to the Order, but forgetting the love I had in my heart was not so easy. I didn't want Anakin to experience the same agony." 

She was touched by his revelation and honored that he would share something so personal and painful with her.

"I'm so sorry. What about now? Things are different, you're free to love whoever you want. Could you..."

He cut her off. "I'm afraid not. As you said, it's over and things can't be changed. I've learned to be content with her memory and there is no other woman that I could love like I loved her. Besides, Anakin and the twins keep me busy. They're all the family I need. And now I have you, too. I'm glad that you've come back to us, Padme."

"But Obi Wan," she started to protest but he quickly changed the subject.

"After the no attachment code was banished, I got to meet my father before he died. Getting to know him helped fill holes in my heart that I didn't even know were there."

"What was he like?," she encouraged, wanting to know more about the man who had fathered such a kind and loving friend.

As Obi Wan spoke, his voice cracked a few times with emotion. Meeting his father had meant a great deal to him. In the three years they had together, the two of them formed a solid relationship. The older Kenobi was the mirror image of his son and Obi Wan never got over the awe of looking into his own eyes. For the first time in his life, he felt truly connected to something other than the force. There was family history and a reason for his existance beyond his duty to the jedi. Learning about the love his parents had and the great joy they experienced when he was born gave him a sense of belonging he never knew existed.

Obi Wan paused to think, his eyes filling with tears. "I wish Anakin could have had a father."

Padme patted his hand with meaning. "He did, Obi Wan. He had a wonderful father."

He looked as though he were about to object for a moment, but then decided against it. Instead, he cleared his throat a few times before thanking her quietly.

The twins appeared behind them, looking groggy from their nap. Leia went to Obi Wan, climbing up in his lap.

"What's wrong? You're sad." 

He did his best to put on a happy face for her. "Nothing's wrong, young one. I was just telling your mother about Papa Nobi." 

"Oh," her eyes lit up and she turned to Padme. "Papa Nobi was really nice. He told the best stories and he always bought us sweet ices when we went to the park. I miss him." 

"You knew Uncle Obi Wan's father?"

"Of course. I even named him Papa Nobi, just like I named Grandpa Wee and Uncle Opi."

Obi Wan rolled his eyes good naturedly. "I thought you weren't calling me that anymore, now that you're getting older."

Leia laughed but it was Luke who spoke up. "You'll always be Uncle Opi, even when we're really old, even as old as you and Daddy."

Obi Wan put his arms out to the boy, hugging both the twins to his chest and kissing the tops of their heads.

"Why don't the two of you go gather your things while I see if these ancient hands can land this ship." 

After they left, he turned to the controls, remembering his father once more.

"He came to stay with me for a few months. He really took to the twins, as much as they did to him. He would have been a good grandfather."

"It sounds like he was. You can see how much the twins loved him."

He nodded and they were silent once more as the ship approached the Jedi Temple. Once they were safely on the ground, he gave Padme  
a datacard.

"This has the security clearance codes for you to land in Anakin's parking area and for you to enter the apartment." 

"I need a code to land in a public lot?"

"You have at least flown by his building, haven't you? You've seen the top floor, how half of it is for parking?"

"Yes, I've been by there once or twice. Why?" She had passed by that building almost daily, always wondering which apartment was his and what he was doing. Not that she would admit that to anyone.

"That's Anakin's private lot. The entrance to the apartment is right there, so you don't have to bother going through the lobby or dealing with the lift. You can park in the regular lot if you want of course, but this is much more convenient."

She knew Anakin had several endorsement contracts, but she didn't realize they were so lucrative. The Hero with no Fear's face was plastered on billboards everywhere and was in several holo ads all over the galaxy, selling pod racing gear, tools he used and even speeders he liked to drive. He was a little shy about the whole thing at first, but he did what he had to in order to provide a home for the twins.

"The penthouse? Anakin was never an extravagant man. Why such a big place when an ordinary apartment would do?" Had he changed without her realizing it?

"He bought it for you, Padme. For the hope that the two of you would reconcile. He was excited about the thought of being able to give you the best for the first time in his life." 

"For me?" Once again she felt a little sick at the thought of what she had thrown away. Not the material things, but Anakin's love and devotion.

"For you. And the twins. And the future babies he hoped you would have. There are eight bedrooms, you know," he nodded at her with a coy smile.

"Eight? So he thought we would have seven children?"

"Of course not," Obi Wan laughed and Padme realized how silly that sounded. Until he continued. "He wanted six. One of the rooms belongs to me, for when I help out with the twins or don't feel like staying at the temple."

"Six," she said the number, trying to imagine having four more Luke and Leia's running around. Then another thought occured to her. "Is there something else about the apartment I should know? Artoo mentioned that I might be angry when I see it."

"Angry? I don't see why..." he thought a moment before a look of realization crossed his face. "Well, as the twins have grown and it became more and more evident that you were never coming back to him, Anakin switched focus. Instead of making the apartment the way he thought you would want it, he began to indulge the children. And himself. He never really had much of a childhood."

"I thought it might be something like that. I guess there are toys from one end of the house to the other."

Even though she had changed, a small part of her felt a smug vindication. She had always accused him of spoiling the twins and he always denied it. They always wanted to be with him, and she knew it was probably because he bought them everything they ever asked for. What child wouldn't prefer the parent who gave them everything and never said no?

"No, actually. I think they had more toys at the Lake House than at home. Anakin is more of a "hands on" kind of father, if you know what I mean. He and the twins _do_ things together, games and experiments, stuff like that. I get dragged into it when I stay there. He was fun. You'll see what I mean when you get there. Just be prepared that things are a little unconventional and know that he was a good father, no matter how it looks." He checked the time, standing up from the chair.

"I really don't have time to explain more. You have the codes, that's all you'll need. The twins and I will probably be awhile. If it takes too long, we'll just stay the night here. If that's okay with you?"

"Of course."

"There should be fresh food in the kitchen and you can sleep in Anakin's room," he turned to wink at her. "Wherever he is, I'm sure it would make him happy, having you in his bed."

She smiled at him, her cheeks feeling a little warm. "Good luck, Obi Wan. I know that the Force will be with you and the twins."

After kissing them all goodbye, she watched as they made their way into the building before setting off for the apartment. If Anakin's indulgence of the twins wasn't in the form of lots of toys, it had to be in cleanliness. She promised herself she would not get angry, no matter how messy the place was. At least it would give her something to concentrate on, instead of just sitting and worrying. If it was only half as bad as she imagined, there would still be several hours of laundry and cleaning to do.

It didn't take long for her to arrive at Anakin's home. The building was in a prestigious area of the city and she had heard that the luxury accomodations rivaled even the plush official residences the senators enjoyed. When the data card was swiped, she was touched to see the code was her name and birthdate. After receiving clearance to land, she brought her small ship down at the end of the lot, away from the other vehicles. Anakin's starfighter was there, along with several speeders of varying size. She recognized some of them from commercials he had made.

As she stepped from her own ship, she looked up at the large windows overlooking the parking area. They were darkened from the nightshades giving no indication of what was behind them. Artoo and Threepio followed silently as they made their way to the stairs leading to the apartment level. At the top of the steps, there was a large open patio with a table and chairs. To the right was the main entrance and on the left there was a double glass door, also shaded for the night. 

This time when she put the card in to open the door, their wedding date flashed briefly on the screen. Before she pushed the door open, Artoo whistled softly.

_Remember, it isn't what you would expect, but they were happy here._

"No worries, Artoo. I won't be mad."

As the three of them stepped into the large foyer, the scent of wildflowers hit Padme's nose. The room was clean and formal. The walls and floor were a highly polished wood, dark in color. To the right was another door and on the left, what looked like a closet. Directly across from the entryway where they stood, was a small table with a huge bunch of the white blossoms she favored. They looked as though they were freshly picked and the water in the vase was crystal clear. To the left of the table was a short hallway. Artoo took the lead as Padme made sure the door was secured behind them.

_The other door leads to the hall with the lift. It's for visitors who come through the lobby. _

Padme crossed to the table, lightly touching the small flowers and breathing in their clean scent.

_Master Anakin has a man and his wife come in every few days while he's away. They keep an eye on things and make sure the pantry and cooler are well stocked at all times, since he never knows exactly when he'll get home. Anything you could need should be waiting for you. It's this way._

He quickly passed through the hall and another doorway. With a low whistle, he activated the lights. Padme just stood for a moment, letting her eyes adjust to the brightness while taking in the sight of Anakin's kitchen.

The room was rectangular in shape, running the entire width of the apartment. At the far end, next to windows that went from floor to ceiling, was a dining table and chairs. Along the right hand wall cabinets and appliances were lined up. On the left, there was no wall, only low cabinets with a countertop running almost to where the table sat, leaving the room open into the main living area. A large work island and sink sat directly in the middle.

Padme walked to the cooler, looking at the crude pictures that hung there. Luke's artwork consisted mainly of speeders and ships, while Leia's drawings were of people and houses. A new wave of sadness came over her as she looked at the most prominent piece. Sloppy letters spelled out "My Family" at the top. Four stick figures with robes and lightsabers, two tall and two short, were the main focus. Off to the side, almost as an afterthought, was another figure, one she recognized as herself. This was how her daughter viewed her, as an outsider.

Taking a deep breath while reminding herself that things were now different, she happened to look up to the ceiling. There, in direct contrast to the sparkling clean whiteness of the rest of the kitchen was a large, circular stain. It was varying shades of brown with several splotches of bright red. From the looks of it, something bad had happened, something that probably would have upset her if she had known about it at the time. She wondered why Anakin hadn't taken care of it and if this was what Artoo was worried about her seeing.

The little droid turned away quickly, avoiding the question she was about to ask.

_Ready for the living room?_

"Actually," she began, but Artoo chirped again and suddenly the darkened room next to them was awash in light.

Threepio was the first to react, waving his arms and crying out, "Oh my!" Padme just stood there blinking a few times, unaware that her mouth had dropped open. The stain on the ceiling was quickly forgotten as she viewed the horror before her. 


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23 

Anakin had always flown in the face of convention, everyone was aware of that. But Obi Wan, he had always been rigid in his ways, rarely straying from the path of accepted practice. On the occasions he did, it was usually at his former apprentice's lead. Padme considered that as she slowly took in the detail of the living room. It amazed her that Obi Wan would go along with all this, not giving it a second thought. If he truly believed this was just a little unconventional, things had changed more over the past few years than she realized. There had to be some explanation for the hideousness that lay before her.

"What was Anakin thinking? What were they all thinking? Artoo, why?"

_It was Carl the orange dewback's fault. About a year ago..._

"Artoo, be serious. You always think you're so funny. Well, you're not," Threepio interrupted.

_I am serious..._

"How can you joke at a time like this? Master Anakin's sanity is seriously in question right now. To think the twins have been living like this! Miss Padme was right to have reservations about his abilities to be a proper parent. Why, if..." 

_Don't you say that. There was nothing wrong with Master Anakin's mind. He is a good father. If you would just shut up and let me explain..._

"Artoo Detoo, you didn't just tell me to shut up! You insufferable little..."

_You're the insufferable one. Always so pompous, always sure you're right._

Padme walked down the few steps leading into the living area, blocking out the fight behind her. Once the two droids disagreed on something, it could take awhile for them to come to the heart of the matter. There would be time enough for explanations later. For now, she wanted to get a better look at the room.

It was a good size, maybe twice the length of her former living room at the official residence. The floor to ceiling windows continued from the kitchen area, down the entire far wall. She could only imagine the spectacular view they would afford without the shading activated. With the proper furniture placement and decorating, the room would be stunning. The first third of the area, proved that to be true.

The carpet was thick and soft, the color of warm caramel. Along the short wall that was created by the stretch of kitchen cabinets, were built in shelves made of polished wood a few shades lighter than that in the foyer. They were lined with various books, holomovies and small mementos. To the left, a huge holoscreen was hung in the corner. There were fluffy pillows and cushions on the floor directly in front of it, and a plush looking sofa just behind them. Next to that sat two cushy reclining chairs. It was a cozy area, warm and inviting. Padme could easily picture her family curled up together, watching a movie. She felt a strange longing at the thought. Never before had something so mundane seemed so appealing.

She turned to face the kitchen again, taking in the open design and how one room flowed into the other. Anakin had done well picking this place. It was hard to believe that he was responsible for the nightmare behind her. If she could just stand in this spot forever, everything would be fine. Unfortunately, the rest of the room could not be ignored.

Walking to the edge of the brown carpet, she saw where it had been cut and replaced with the sea of shaggy green that spread out across the rest of the living room. It was outrageously bright and ugly, but she could tell it was just the thing needed to complete the fantasy world Anakin had created for the twins. On top of this fake lawn sat one of the biggest tents she had ever seen. Sitting in front of it were camping chairs and a table with a small lantern on it. A large tub of fake leaves in autumn colors sat next to a fake campfire. Behind all this was a hallway which she assumed must lead to the bedrooms. The walls on either side of it were both painted with large murals, one of a thick forest of trees, the other snow capped mountains.

It was an elaborate campsite, realistic in every way. It was incredible and horrible at the same time. While wondering exactly why Anakin would do this to his beautiful home, she became aware the droids had stopped arguing.

_Just look,_ Artoo warbled and the lighting in the room changed.

The ceiling had been covered in folds of black fabric with thousands of tiny white lights poking through, making it look like the vastness of space. Several of Luke's model ships hung from invisible strings, adding to the effect. With the harsh lights dimmed, the color of the carpet wasn't quite as ugly. In fact, it almost looked like real grass. With a little imagination, it would be easy to pretend that you were deep in the forest.

Threepio stepped toward her. "If Artoo is to be believed, the twins' favorite show is Camping with Carl, Carl being a talking orange dewback. When Anakin had them for the week, on the rest days they liked pretending to camp out. It first started with blankets thrown over a table for a tent, but it was a bit crowded when Master Kenobi was here. Eventually, they settled on hanging a large tarp for their tent and they were happy with that. Little things were added here and there, such as sleeping bags and flashlights, but the project was never intended to become this elaborate."

"Then why did it? Why would he destroy a beautiful room for a silly game?"

The golden droid hesitated a minute, tilting his head as he often did when confused. After Padme crossed her arms over her chest and raised her eyebrows in expectation, he finally spoke.

"The healers at the Jedi Temple suggested that Master Anakin keep them absorbed in something they loved. They could have kept things as they were but it was therapeutic for them to build this with their father and to get lost in pretending when they needed to."

"Therapeutic?" 

"Artoo said they were recovering from some trauma, that you would understand. That little trouble maker would say just about anything to defend his master."

Padme looked to the smaller droid sitting silently to the side. "Well, it doesn't really matter. This is Anakin's home and it looks like he was just trying to make the twins happy and have some fun with them. He's always done things his own way and taken things to the extreme at times, so this is no different. It was just a shock at first. After awhile, it kind of grows on you. Maybe we'll all camp out a night." 

She paused to point at the bags, "Threepio, take those and go find Anakin's room. I'll be wanting to retire soon." 

With his head tilted even further in confusion, he quickly replied, "Of course."

Once he had disapeared down the hall, Padme placed a hand on Artoo's dome. "Thank you for not elaborating."

_Master Anakin would not have wanted me to. Threepio has a big mouth and it would only hurt you or the twins for him to know everything. Let him think I'm a liar, I don't care. _

"You are a faithful friend, aren't you." 

_Master Anakin deserves nothing less. I know all this looks bad, but it really was a good thing he did. And they all have a lot of fun with it._

"I'm sure they do," she said, giving the room one more wistful look, wishing she could have seen it before this transformation had taken place.

_The bedrooms should be more to your liking._

"More traditional?" 

_More boring._

Padme laughed softly at him. "Well, I guess I can always count on you to be brutally honest." She patted his dome once more as they walked toward the back of the apartment.

She was happy to see the lush carpeting from the front of the living room running down the long hallway. There were four doors on either side, and one more at the very end.

Artoo hesitated at the first door to the left.

_Every room has it's own fresher, but this is an extra one. Next is Master Kenobi's room, then Luke's and finally Leia's. On the right, Master Anakin has other uses for the bedrooms. He has a workshop, a guest room, and a playroom for the twins. You can look at them all if you want._

Padme looked down the hall once again. "That's only seven, but there are nine doors."

_The other two are Master Anakin's. The one at the end leads to his bedroom suite, the other is his private room. Noone is allowed in there._

He turned away from her, moving into the workshop area. As she expected, it was an organized mess. There were shelves overflowing with varied parts and tools. A long workbench with several projects ran along one wall. To her it looked like chaos, but she was sure Anakin knew just where everything was, even down to the smallest fuse.

Artoo went directly to a portion of the wall that had several different power ports, plugging himself into one.

_This is kind of my room, too. You can tell the golden nimrod he can come stay with me if he wants. _

"Thank you, Artoo. Have a good night." 

She made her way toward Anakin's bedroom, pausing briefly at each door to take a quick look. The fresher was as sparkling clean as the kitchen and she wondered if the caretaker was responsible. Obi Wan's room was sparsely decorated in shades of beiges and browns. Although the room was large enough to accommodate much more furniture, there was only a small bed and nightstand and a round cushion for meditation in the corner. The simplicity of it suited him and proved that the values ingrained in him were not easily forgotten just because changes were made to the Jedi Order.

The twins' rooms were reflections of their personalities. Each was painted in their favorite color, green for Luke and purple for Leia. There were more model ships hanging from Luke's ceiling and the shelves that held his toys had several containers of the small blocks that he used to build them with. On his wall was a large map of all the planets with colored push pins keeping track of all the places he had visited. Like his father, he dreamed of seeing everything there was in the galaxy. From the looks of it, he was already well on his way to meeting his goal.

Leia's room was fit for a queen, although the sign on the door read "Princess Leia's room" in fancy script. Padme smiled at the nickname Anakin had given their daughter. He doted on her as though she really was a princess and Leia had no problem playing the part. Her four poster bed had a ruffled canopy with fancy lace trim. Next to it sat a doll sized replica of it along with all the other things she needed to properly care for her babydolls. In the corner sat a small table with a tea set. Looking at the four chairs, Padme wondered how many tea parties Anakin and Obi Wan had been subjected to in the past. She didn't realize she was laughing out loud at the thought until Threepio came up behind her asking what was so funny. He didn't seem too pleased with the idea of staying with Artoo, but he went anyway, mumbling, "this should be interesting" as he walked off.

The guest room was furnished with a bedroom set and fabrics similiar to the guest rooms at the Lake House. Just as she was about to leave, something on the nightstand caught her eye. Her heart fell as she moved into the room to get a closer look at the object. It was a woman's hairclip, similiar to some of her own, but much cheaper in quality. Ismay immediately came to mind, the jealous twinge in her chest causing pain and sadness instead of anger.

Padme had done her best to block out any thoughts of Anakin's girlfriend, choosing to pretend she didn't exist. She couldn't do that anymore. The woman was important to him and she wasn't just going to go away simply because Padme had a change of heart. If and when Anakin was found, Ismay would have a right to know and be a part of his recovery process. She wondered if Obi Wan had already informed her of the situation, hoping he hadn't.

She closed her eyes, silently scolding herself for thinking such selfish things. Anakin cared about this woman and there was every possibility she could become stepmother to the twins in the future. He had begged her to let him go and she wanted him to be happy. As hard as it was, she was going to have to contact Ismay sometime soon. Seeing them together would break her heart, but it wasn't anything she didn't deserve after hurting Anakin all this time.

Resisting the childish urge to break the clip and throw it away, she put it back where she found it and left quickly. Deciding she had seen enough for one night, she planned to take a hot shower before trying to sleep. On her way to the bedroom, she stopped at the door to Anakin's private room. Why wasn't anyone allowed in there? Letting her curiosity get the better of her, she tried the doorhandle, only to find it locked. Whatever Anakin was hiding would have to remain a secret for now, she was too tired to worry about it.

The master bedroom was huge, running the entire width of the apartment as the kitchen did, with a veranda leading off of it. It was decorated in soothing blues and light gray. There was a sitting area off to the side with comfortable looking chairs and a large holoscreen for communications. A small red light on the control panel indicated there were messages waiting but she figured they were for Anakin's eyes only. Next to the fresher was a walk in closet. His robes and tunics took up only a small portion of it and she stopped to imagine her things hanging next to his.

"If only..." she whispered to herself as she ran a hand down the sleeve of one of his shirts. The fatigue she had been fighting began to take over, making her feel weak. She decided a quick shower would be best and headed to the fresher. Once under the water, she realized that all of her toiletries were in her bag in the other room. Feeling too tired to go fetch them, she used Anakin's soap and shampoo, not caring that they had a masculine scent. The clean smell was comforting but it brought a sadness too, reminding her of the many times he had stood before her, his pleading eyes silently begging her to take him back. More than once she had almost given in, but her stubborn pride never let her.

After her hair was dry, Padme turned down the lights and crawled into the large bed, wishing that Anakin were here to hold her. It felt a little presumptuous, taking up residence in his private quarters but the alternative of staying in the guest room did not appeal to her. The thought of sleeping where _she_ might have made her feel sick. She rejected any musing about where she now rested, reminding herself of Anakin's claim of faithfulness all these years. Faithfulness that was neither required nor deserved since she had been the one to initiate the dissolution of their marriage.

Padme said a quiet prayer for Anakin's safe return before closing her eyes and trying to imagine his arms around her. She was remembering how happy and in love they had once been when sleep finally claimed her.

_She twisted the long ribbons of her nightgown around her fingers with worry. He had been in there too long. Far too long. It had been nearly an hour since he slipped onto her balcony, surprising her with a long overdue visit. Three months had passed since their wedding and they only managed to send a few brief messages to one another during that time. She realized just how painful his absence was when he swept her up in his arms, showering her face and neck with kisses._

"I've missed you, Padme," his voice trembled with emotion.

"How long can you stay?"

She watched as sadness passed over his features. "Only for tonight, my love. I have to be back at the temple before dawn, before Obi Wan discovers I'm gone." 

"It will be enough, Anakin," she whispered, pulling off his cloak and letting it drop to the floor.

"I want to get cleaned up first. Obi Wan got himself into this predicament today and it took us both some great effort to get him out of it. I'm filthy."

She laughed and reached out, placing her palm against his warm cheek.

"Oh, I'm sure he managed to get in that predicament all by himself. You wouldn't have had anything to do with it, would you?"

He shrugged, feigning innocence. "Not me. You know Obi Wan, he can be so impulsive at times." 

She didn't know how he kept a straight face, but decided to play along. "Quite."

His concentration broke and he started lauging as he pulled off his shirt. Her heart quickened just looking at her husband half naked.

"I won't be long. Unless you care to join me?" he offered in a suggestive tone, raising an eyebrow at her. She pulled the shirt from his hands and smacked him with it.

"Just hurry!"

"Yes, M' lady. I only wish to please." With a formal bow, he headed into the fresher.

What is he doing in there? What if he slipped and knocked himself out? She hesitated at the door, thinking about his invitation. This was still so new to her. Even though they had gotten comfortable with each other on their honeymoon, it seemed like a lifetime ago. Was she bold enough to just walk in on him? Deciding his safety was more important than her embarrassment, she went in.

Her heart caught in her throat at the sight of him laying at the bottom of the bathtub, unmoving.

"Anakin!" 

Rushing to the side of the tub, she tried tugging on his arm but he was too heavy for her. Seeing no other option, she quickly climbed in with him and worked on pulling him up by the shoulders. With a surge of determined strength, she managed to get his face above the water. Pulling his mouth open she said, "Breath Anakin!" before placing her mouth over his.

He startled her by wrapping his arms around her shoulders and kissing her. She pulled back, hitting him in the chest.

"That wasn't funny! You nearly gave me a heart attack. And look at my new gown! It's ruined." Feeling relieved that he was still alive and seeing the contrite look on his face softened her. "What am I going to do with you, Skywalker?"

In a playful tone he said, "I can think of something," while pulling her to him for another kiss. "I'm sorry, Padme. I just wanted you in here with me. I'll buy you a new gown, but I'm not sorry this one got ruined. You look better without it anyway," he told her while gently pulling it over her head.

Her face grew hot as she watched her gown land on the floor next to his pants and realized she was sitting on his lap. It was so good to have him home, if only for a little while.

"Next time, you won't have to go to such great lengths to break the ice. I promise."

He smiled, running his hand through her hair as she settled into place against him.   
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------   
She didn't know how long the water had been cold before they noticed it. Feeling her trembling, he reluctantly started to get up. 

"Allow me, M' lady." He stepped from the tub and offered her his hand. In one fluid movement he managed to grab a towel and wrapped it gently around her. Seeing her lips chattering, he pointed at the heater in the wall and it came to life. "Better?" 

"Much."

She watched as he reached for another towel, finally taking in the full sight of him. Distracted by the way his hard muscles rippled, she didn't realize he was looking at her. Pulling the towel across his back he asked, "Do you approve, Mrs. Skywalker?"

He had a gleam in his eyes and that smug grin on his face. Blushing, she looked straight at him. "You know I do. You know you're beautiful."

With a laugh, he picked her up and carried her to the bed. "You're the beautiful one, Padme."

He climbed in next to her, tucking the covers around them and kissing her softly on the lips. When he pulled back there was a pained look on his face.

"Next time, don't wait so long to come and find me. It's horrible not being able to breathe. A man could die waiting to be rescued." 

Padme sat up in a cold sweat, knowing that Anakin would not be next to her if she looked. Those events had taken place long ago, but the dream was exactly as it had been. All except the part where he told her not to wait to find him. That never happened.

She ran a hand down her face, trying to wake up when she realized Anakin's comm unit was quietly beeping. Stumbling out of bed, she made her way to it, hitting three buttons before finding the right one. When Obi Wan's face appeared on the large screen, she came fully awake. He didn't wait for her greeting.

"He's alive, Padme! Anakin is alive!"


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24 

"Alive," she whispered to herself as Obi Wan continued speaking.

"He's very weak, the twins had a difficult time contacting him, but he's still alive. It seems his connection to the force has been completely severed, although we don't know how. It explains why we haven't been able to detect his presence."

"But Luke and Leia felt him."

Obi Wan gave a solemn nod. "Master Yoda has a few theories on why they were able to. He thinks the fact that they carry Anakin's blood has something to do with it, you know midichlorians and such," he frowned slightly.

"You're skeptical about that?" 

"I hate to disagree with Master Yoda, as he may be partially right, but I think there is much more to it than that. Anakin's bond with his children transcends physical limitations." 

Padme considered that for a moment, wondering if her connection with Anakin was still strong in some way.

"Obi Wan, do you think it's possible for Anakin to come to me in my dreams?"

"I think it's entirely possible. You and the twins were his life. You've been having dreams?"

"A few. In one of them he told me the twins could save him, that when the time came, they would know. I didn't understand what it meant at the time, but now..."

"They were the only ones who knew he was alive. Without their insistence, we would have just forged ahead without looking for him. Now our plans have changed," Obi Wan smiled and nodded. "I think Anakin was definitely in contact with you. Did he give you any clue to his location?" 

"No, the dreams weren't like that. Maybe he doesn't know where he is."

"That was the impression we got. The Senate should be assembled by late this afternoon. We were going to ask to start the invasion as early as tomorrow, but now we're going to wait. The council thinks it best for us to go back and look for him again before trying to take control away from the Imperials. I just wish we knew where to look, I don't think there is anywhere left that we haven't already searched."

Padme bit her lip, taking in Obi Wan's words and thinking about the dream she had just woken from. Something wasn't right. She still felt the tingle that ran down her spine as Anakin had carried her to the bed and covered her naked body with his own. The memory of his gentle kiss stirred a deep longing inside her, causing a familiar ache in her lower stomach. And then he had pulled away...

"No Obi Wan, you have to move on with things as planned! He can't wait any longer, you have to go find him now. Anakin told me as much."

"You're sure?"

Praying that her interpretation of the dream was right, she hesitated only a second before answering, "I'm positive."

"I better go and speak with the others about this. We can still go ahead with our original plan. The twins are going to sleep in a bit and then they wanted to attend the afternoon classes with their friends. You can pick them up in time for the evening meal or they can stay here for the night."

"I want them with me."

"I'll let them know to expect you," he smiled at her again. "Just think Padme, by tomorrow night, we could have Anakin back with us."

Her eyes filled with tears at the thought and she had to swallow several times before being able to speak. "I hope so. You'll contact me as soon as the meeting is over?"

"Of course." 

"Now go get some rest, you've been up all night. You'll need to have your wits about you in order to deal with all those politicians. I hear they can't be trusted, you know."

He laughed softly before bowing his head slightly. "We'll speak soon."

With that, his image disappeared from the screen. Padme looked over the controls, trying to find the way to turn it off. This comm unit was much more complicated than any she had ever seen before. With her first attempt, an instant mail screen popped up, waiting for text to be entered. She managed to quickly exit out of that and chose another button, this time activating Anakin's outgoing message. Her breath caught in her throat when he appeared, looking more handsome than she remembered.

"You've reached Anakin Skywalker but I can't take your call right now," he started off in a serious tone. Before continuing, his lips curled into that half smile she loved so much. "You know what to do." With that, there was a beep and then a female voice saying there were seven new messages. Padme was startled when Kitster's face seemed to jump out at her. Not wanting to invade Anakin's privacy, she continued to look for the way to turn it off. As she did, she couldn't help but listen to what he was saying.

"Still not back yet? Well, make sure you call me as soon as possible. The stones should be ready any time now. I wanted to thank you for using your mother's old language. The girl at the shop went on and on about how romantic it was and somehow I landed a date out of it. We've seen each other a few times now and I'm beginning to think maybe she could be the one to finally make me change my bachelor ways. I was hoping you'd be able to come by and meet her. Oh, and by the way, what's up with you and Padme? I nearly spit out my drink when she called and was actually nice. You got something you're not telling me? She looks pretty good considering her age, no wonder May is a little insecure. Stick with the younger one though, she's probably less trouble.  
Oh well, gotta run. I'll send the holos of the finished work when I get them. Call me soon, buddy."

Padme slammed her hand across the panel and the screen went blank.

_"Considering her age? Stick with the younger one?"_

She frowned and headed to the fresher, wondering just how young Ismay was and when had being in your early thirties become considered old. 

Stewing over Kitster's words all morning helped strengthen Padme's resolve to be a different person when Anakin returned. It also made her rethink a lot of things where Ismay was concerned. She had been prepared to let go, to let Anakin finally be at peace with a woman who loved him and would treat him with kindness and respect. Now, she wasn't sure if she was going to be able to do that so easily. Jealousy had curled inside her when she thought about Ismay being younger and the fact that Anakin's friend thought she would be the better choice. She wanted him to be happy, but she wasn't quite as ready to just turn away and send him into another woman's arms. No. When Anakin came back, and he _would_ be coming back, she wanted to fight for him. Only, how could she make it up to him when his friend was right? She had been more trouble than she was worth in the past.

Padme knew she had given Anakin a lot of grief over the years, but it hadn't all been undeserved from what she could remember. At least, not from her point of view at the time. When he had sent her to Naboo, his cruel words still ringing in her ears, she fully believed their marriage had all been a farce. A few days later, the news of Chancellor Palpatine's death was announced. Most of the galaxy sat in stunned disbelief as the depth of his treachery was revealed. Some had trouble believing it.

A week had passed while inquiries were made, meetings were held, and pieces of the security tapes from the confrontation in the Chancellor's office were made public. The details of what exactly happened between him and the Jedi were sketchy, but enough information was released to prove his guilt. Except for the small number of conspiracy theorists, everyone lauded the Jedi as heroes, having saved the galaxy from certain domination. Anakin was especially celebrated, for it was reported that he was the one who had actually killed Palpatine.

During this week, Padme grew more angry and frustrated with each passing day. On the trip to Naboo, she experienced some mild contractions that had stopped by the time they arrived. She didn't think much of them until they returned the morning Anakin called to tell her they would be facing the Chancellor later in the day. He was composed and resigned to the task that lay ahead of him, but she could sense his worry.

"It may be a little while, but I'll come to you as soon as I'm able," he told her. "We'll be okay, I'll make things right for you. You'll see."

He was staring at her intently, waiting desperately for her reassurance. Overcome with her feelings of love, hurt and longing, she was unable to respond, only nodding as a single tear ran down her cheek. He inhaled sharply and looked away, preparing himself for what could be his final words to her. "I love you Padme. Always." She was crying in earnest now, choking on emotion and fear for him. Once again, she was only able to nod at him. His eyes wavered for just a few seconds before he nodded back. 

"Take care of my babies," he whispered before ending the transmission. She finally found her voice once his image disappeared.

"I love you too, Anakin."

Ignoring the mild pains, she spent the rest of the day trying to keep her mind off of what was happening. She was helping prepare the evening meal when the tightening in her belly suddenly worsened, taking her breath away. Padme was only vaguely aware of her Mother calling for help as another pain tore through her, causing her knees to buckle. She woke up in a hospital bed and was quickly informed that was where she was to stay until the babies were born. Anakin's visions weren't so easy to brush off anymore.

Laying awake that night, she prayed that the twins would not come too soon and that Anakin and the Jedi would be okay. Another day passed as she worried and waited for word on them. Then the news broke without warning. Palpatine and two of the jedi sent to arrest him were dead. The other four had suffered undisclosed injuries and were being evaluated by the healers. There was confusion at the Temple and even the two jedi assigned to protect her were unable to get any information right away.

Eventually, word came that Anakin was alive, but he didn't contact her. Master Tre had told her that he had some minor injuries that were taken care of and most of his time was taken up with the final investigations. As the days went by, she replayed everything in her mind over and over- their fight, Kayna, the odd behavior and jealousy, and his wish to never have married her. The fact that he couldn't even take a few minutes to check on her and the babies only added to the hurt. 

Being trapped in bed, staring at the stark white ceiling day after day, bitterness crept into her heart easily. All of this was Anakin's doing and he didn't even care enough to check on her. There was plenty of time for her imagination to run wild, conjuring up an image of Kayna and what he was probably doing with her while the wife he never wanted waited to give birth to the babies _he_ insisted they should have. She tortured herself with these painful thoughts endlessly. By the time Anakin did call her, she didn't even want to look at him.

"Excuse me, but you asked that I remind you when it was time to pick up the twins," Threepio spoke, bringing Padme back to the present.

"Thank you, I'll be ready in a few minutes."

Padme sighed as she reached for her boots. All of that seemed so crazy now, but it wasn't back then. Every thought and emotion was easily magnified and she felt completely overwhelmed by everything. It was easy to be mean to Anakin when he finally came to her. And she had been. After having dinner with the twins, she would have to take the hardest step of all. She would learn about Anakin's encounter with Palpatine and finally see her cruelty through his eyes.

_At first there was a bright light, but it was somewhere just beyond my reach. The next time, I heard a voice speak my name. As I was about to ask about Padme, I became aware of the pain coursing through my entire body and then someone was screaming. I think it was me. When I finally did wake up, I heard someone demand that my medication be increased before I felt anything. It was like being in a dream where everyone was moving slow. Obi Wan was in the bed next to mine and for a minute I thought he was dead. A healer appeared above me and I struggled to get the words out. I needed to know how my family was doing but the thoughts weren't quite making it from my brain to my mouth the right way. She smiled at me but her voice was firm. _

"Padme is fine, no worries. Skywalker, you must allow the sedatives to work if you want a chance for a full recovery. You've suffered a massive heart attack and your other injuries are pretty severe. Stop fighting the treatments and you'll be able to be by your wife's side by the time she gives birth. Okay?"

With some difficulty, I made her promise that Padme would not be told about my condition and then I agreed to cooperate and do whatever was necessary to get well enough to see my children born. As I closed my eyes, I reached into the force, feeling peace and hearing only silence, the whispers of doubt and paranoia gone along with Palpatine. This quiet was something new to me, something I hadn't felt since before Cadia died.

There was balance between the light and dark now, the light being in control. But I had felt the power of the darkness, and I could not let go of it completely- not yet. When the time came, if Padme needed me to, I would be able to call upon that. She would hate me for it, but at least she and my babies would have a chance. I took comfort in that as the horror of what I had done started to resurface and I saw the look on Master Windu's face as I cut off his hand...


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

_My descent into darkness happened too quickly, I thought at first. Now that I've had a little time to consider it, I know that isn't the case. Now I realize I've been courting the darkness for many years, maybe even since I was a young boy. Or maybe it's been courting me. No matter. This didn't happen over the short time I was desperate to find a way to save Padme and it didn't just happen in those brief moments in the Chancellor's office. No, it was a consummation my soul had been waiting a long time for._

We hadn't even been in the room five minutes before Masters Fisto and Tiin were killed and Master Kolar was wounded, leaving only Master Windu, Obi Wan and me. That's when Palpatine really went to work, spinning his intricate web of lies, telling me everything I needed to hear to cast doubt on my jedi brothers. I was already weakened both mentally and physically from lack of sleep and food, and desperate to find a way to save Padme. He knew just what to say.

The dark side was more powerful than anything I had felt previously. It screamed of strength, offering comfort and answers where the light side seemed to have none. It knew just what to whisper in my ear, just what promises to make in order to bring me to the edge, ready to jump in with both feet. I held back, struggling with what I was feeling, watching as Obi Wan and Mace were being overpowered by the Sith. They called to me, implored me not to believe the twisted words he was using against them.

I just stood there feeling conflicted, the power in the air crackling around me. I wanted it. It was all within my reach. To be the most powerful jedi ever, to make all those who preyed on the weak pay, to keep Padme and my children alive. To show them all that "young Skywalker" was a man. 

Obi Wan yelled my name and I focused on what was happening just in time to see him fly into the wall. I felt strangely detached as I watched his head bounce off the floor and he lay still. The remote for my slave transmitter was still attached to his belt. Seeing it there was enough to snap me out of my reverie and I went to join the battle that was still going on. The three of us made an odd triangle and I still felt a little uncertain which side I should be fighting for. Over the years, Palpatine had been kind and nurturing when the jedi had been harsh and critical. It was still hard to believe he was a Sith lord, hard to just throw all that away. He knew that, too. 

"Now do you see, Anakin? The jedi are relentless. They will stop at nothing to gain power. They are the ones who want it all! That's why they've held you back all these years."

"Jedi use their power for good, not evil! Stop filling the boy's head with lies!" Mace's blade met Palpatine's and the old man stepped back, smiling.

"You see? They still consider you a boy, Anakin. They don't recognize the power you have, the potential. They don't respect you. You know. You know what they're going to do. They're going to take them away from you. Your wife, your child."

Anakin could feel the anger surging through his veins at the thought as he turned away from the Chancellor to look to Master Windu.

"No, no one will touch my family..."

"Yes," the sith hissed, "that's right. No one will harm them when our new empire is established."

"Lies! Anakin, he's manipulating you! Nothing has been decided about your family. Now is not the time..." 

"Nothing has been decided? Nothing has to be decided!" Anakin screamed in anger and desperation. Palpatine saw his chance and moved to strike at Mace. The jedi reacted with a motion to block the attack, but Anakin misunderstood the action, thinking it was directed at him. With one quick sweep of his blade, Mace's hand was cleanly taken off. He stumbled backwards, collapsing in shock and pain.

"What have I done?" Anakin moaned.

"You have taken the first steps to fulfilling your destiny. Now finish him and we can begin your training. Together, we will be able to save your wife."

"Padme," Anakin whispered, closing his eyes. This wasn't right. None of it was. All those visions, all those horrible things came from the darkness. Nothing good could come of it. But it was here and it was strong. It was like nothing he had ever felt before. If he had this knowledge, he could make things the way he wanted them to be. Couldn't he? If he had control of it as a child, he wouldn't have let Reen take Bastion and Cadia would still be alive. His mother didn't have to die. Maybe they wouldn't even have been slaves...

"No," Anakin whispered to himself. "This is my destiny. All of it, good and bad. Even being a slave. I wouldn't have met Padme otherwise..."

He slowly raised his lightsaber and the old man cackled with delight. 

"Yes, Anakin. Your destiny. Fulfill it now."

With tears streaming down his face, he nodded. "This is for you, Padme," he said as he turned toward the Chancellor.

_I don't remember everything. He was angry and gave me the choice of joining him or dying. I didn't like either of those choices. We fought awhile and I heard one of my bones snap. I think it was my leg first. Then my shoulder. I kept getting knocked down but I had to keep fighting. The pain was bad, but once the lightning started, it was worse. That's when I knew I was going to die. That's when I couldn't get up anymore. My chest was tight and I couldn't breathe. I could feel the life leaving me. One more failure. The final failure that would cost the galaxy everything._

I wanted Padme's face to be the last thing I thought of. Imagining her holding our children stirred something deep inside me, the last bit of light I had. I fought for it, struggled to bring it to the surface, letting go of all the dark thoughts in the process. It bolstered me, and for a brief moment, I was removed from the pain and infirmities of my body. My lightsaber was within my reach and I ignited it as I kneeled on shaky knees. Palpatine laughed, calling my attempt feeble as he continued to pour electricity into me. With the little strength I had left, I sprung up onto my one good leg and swiftly ran my blade through him. He barely had time to look shocked. As my body crumpled next to his, I hoped I would be able to see Padme and the twins from the afterlife. 

The loud beeping of Anakin's comm unit startled Padme, almost causing her to drop the data reader. Nearly an hour had passed since she and the twins had dinner together. Afterward, the two of them settled into Luke's room to watch the holos of their father from the Clone Wars again. No matter how many times they saw the same clips, they never seemed to tire of them. She guessed it helped them to feel closer to him, just as his journals were helping her.

She spent the past hour learning just how conflicted her husband had been when it came to stepping away from the power that was offered to him. But he managed to do it for her. All along, it was all for her. Even his refusal to have her informed of his condition was an attempt to protect her, although she had no way of knowing that's what he was doing at the time. He didn't know exactly how she died in his visions, but he felt that it was because of him, somehow. He was afraid to cause her worry or stress so he insisted that no bad news be given to her. It was his hope to get well enough to get to her as quickly as possible so she would never have to know what he went through. Her impatience and anger almost spoiled his plans.

Padme remembered reaching her boiling point after so many days trapped in that bed. The news was constantly on, still focusing on Chancellor Palpatine and what a hero her husband was. Jobal and Ruwee had been by her side when she threw the remote through the holo screen and threatened to get out of bed and onto the next ship going to Coruscant if she didn't hear from Anakin by the end of the day.

She cringed when she read about the pain he experienced when they brought him out of the healing sedation long enough to call her. Obi Wan had to help him wash and shave so he would look normal and he was propped up with a metal brace because he wasn't capable of sitting up on his own. She wanted to cry when she thought about how loving he had been despite all that and the nastiness she had given him in return.

"I'm an ugly person," she muttered as she pushed the button on the comm unit. Obi Wan appeared, looking a little tired.

"It's going to be early tomorrow, Padme. We're actually going to be leaving in a few hours. I assume word will break on the holo net as soon as things start to happen but I will contact you when we know. Just hang in there and pray. And if you have any dreams of Anakin, tell him we're coming for him."

"I will. You'll be careful?" 

"Always," he smiled.

"May the force be with you, Obi Wan."

"Thank you. I'll be in touch soon." With a nod his image disappeared.

"Anakin," Padme spoke softly, "help them find you. Please. You have to come home safe. I love you. Please..."

Her words were interrupted by the comm unit beeping once again. Figuring Obi Wan forgot to tell her something, she quickly turned it on and was surprised to see Kitster's face.

"Padme? Oh, I didn't expect...I mean, I didn't mean to disturb you. Anakin can call me back when he..."

She waved a hand at him. "He isn't here, Kitster. He's still away on his mission. I'm just staying here with the twins for a few days. Can I help you with something?" 

He smiled at her but she didn't return the gesture. The words from his last message were still too fresh in her mind.

"Please, call me Kit. I thought Anakin would be back by now, I know he doesn't like to leave Luke and Leia this long. He was having new memorial stones made and they're finally done. I'm sending holos of the finished work for him. The file should be with this transmission." 

"Let me see, hang on..."

Padme took a minute to bring up another, smaller screen. Inside was an image of a beautifully carved stone. There was a detailed picture of Anakin's mother etched into the smooth surface and some writing she didn't recognize. It read:

Shmi Skywalker

Tun Adoran Marnanan

"I see it. How did Anakin get a holo of his mother? And what do those words mean?"

"He didn't have a holo of her. He hired an artist who drew a picture from his description. From what I can remember, it seems to be a good job. The words are in his mother's language. It's called Tajan, but it's such a difficult language, it's almost died out."

"What makes it so difficult?"

"It's kinda hard to explain but there are probably at least a million more words than in Basic and each word doesn't have a simple meaning. Tun Adoran is easy- it means 'my beloved', but the word Marnanan is more complicated. With people, places or things of great emotional value, there can be several different words that all mean the same thing, but not the same."

Padme laughed. "You realize you made absolutely no sense at all?"

"Well, I told you it was complicated. The word we say as Mom or Mother has seventeen different words in Tajan. In Basic, we just add adjectives like good mother, bad mother and that kind of thing. In this language, it's all spelled out. A woman who just gives birth is a Mar. Then the word changes depending upon what type of parent she is. The word Anakin uses for Shmi is considered the highest praise for the word Mother. It literally translates as 'giver of life and love, teacher of truth and honor, guardian of the mind, spirit and body.' It really is a beautiful language, but keeping all the variations straight can give you a headache."

"I can see how it could. Anakin remembers it all?"

"A good deal of it, if not all of it. It was special to him. Shmi used to speak to him all the time. That's how I picked up what I know. You'll give Anakin the message when he finally gets home, I guess. Is he expected soon?"

"I hope, but I'm not sure. I'll make sure he calls as soon as he can, okay? I know he appreciates your help with this."

Kitster smiled shyly. "It was nothing, really. Tell him I'll be waiting on that dinner he owes me. He'll know what I'm talking about." 

"I will."

Padme hung up, thinking maybe Kit wasn't so bad after all, even if he was on _her_ side.

After reading to the twins and tucking them in for the night, Padme returned to the bedroom anxious to fall asleep. The sooner tomorrow came, the better, as far as she was concerned. As she was turning down the lights, the screen with Shmi's memorial caught her eye and she studied it for a few minutes before pulling up the other file Kit had sent. Just as she thought, the other memorial was for Cadia. The words inscribed below her picture were similar to his mother's. 

Cadia Leia Starline

Tun Adoran Baytina

Padme thought a moment before doing a search for the Tajan language. When she found the page she was looking for, she typed in the word Baytina and waited for the definition. When it came up, she wasn't surprised. 

Baytina - Sister of my heart, not of my blood

She stood for a long while, working up the courage to put one more word into the search box. She shifted her weight from foot to foot, trying to decide which would be worse- having the word come up or not be found. Finally, with a sigh of resignation, she slowly entered the letters K A Y N A and hit the enter key. In less than five seconds, she had her answer.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

_She stumbled around in the darkness feeling disoriented, her fear increasing with each passing moment. This was torture for her, not knowing where she was, feeling the walls closing in around her. It was hot and stuffy, making her feel like she was suffocating. Although she could sense others around her, she felt strangely isolated. Panic was new to her and she was fighting the urge to scream when she heard his voice._

"I tried, Padme. I tried but I don't think it's going to be enough."

He spoke in barely a whisper, his breathing labored. She could tell he was in pain.

"Anakin? Where are you? They're coming for you! You have to hang on..."

"I hear them. They won't recognize me. The twins..."

"They're waiting for you to come home. So am I. We love you, Anakin. You have to..." 

"No, listen, my time is running out. The twins. It's still their destiny to save me. They'll know. Tell Obi Wan." 

"Tell Obi Wan what?" Padme reached out, searching for him but grabbing only empty air.

"When the twins know. I have to sleep now. I love you, Padme."

"No wait!" 

Padme sat up in bed shaking. Luke and Leia came running into the room, both of them looking half asleep. 

"What's wrong, Mommy? Who were you yelling at?" 

She held open her arms and they crawled up into her embrace. 

"It was just a dream. I was dreaming of your Daddy. Have you felt him? Do you know where he is?"

They both shook their heads sadly. Luke stifled a yawn as he spoke.

"No, but Uncle Obi Wan is trying to find him. He'll bring him home." 

Padme bit her lip, not wanting to scare her children or put too much pressure on them.

"He will. But if you know anything, it's very important that you tell me so that I can tell him. Okay? Daddy can contact the two of you easier than anyone else. I want you to think hard today and let me know any little thing you think about him. If you sense him in any way, no matter how small, you have to promise to tell me. It might help find him."

"We will Mommy."

"Good. Now, why don't we try to get some more rest since it's still early yet. Maybe you'll dream of Daddy, too."

Padme tucked the covers over the twins who smiled up at her before closing their eyes. She waited until she was sure they were sleeping before getting up. Feeling certain that it was going to be a long day, she headed out to the living room to see if any news of the invasion had hit the holonet yet.

Leia waited for her mother's footsteps to fade down the hall before sliding out of bed and walking over to the window. Looking to the sky gave her a sense of peace and helped her feel close to her Daddy, knowing he enjoyed gazing at it often, too. She wished he were here now, to hold her tight and tell her everything would be okay. He always knew how to make everything right. And today, Leia needed things to be right.

She glanced back over her shoulder at Luke, envying his ability to sleep. He was different than his sister. He didn't think about things like she did, didn't worry like she did. He also didn't have a guilty conscience like her. Luke was good. Leia knew there were things she had to talk to her mother about. Things she wasn't proud of, but she had to do it to protect Daddy. She wanted it to be nice for him when he came home and she was afraid it might not be if she didn't explain why she had been a bad girl. 

With a heavy sigh, she left the room quietly and walked toward the living room. Fighting the urge to cry, she silently pleaded to the force for everything to be okay and for her mother to not stop loving her.

Padme sat curled up on one end of the sofa, watching the holonet. There had been a quick breaking news story about some kind of disturbance around the moon of Endor but they were waiting on further details before they could say more. She had smiled when the reporter had suggested that it was probably a small, local dispute that would be resolved quickly, knowing full well that the day's events would soon become the top story, probably for weeks to come.

It was during a commercial that she sensed someone watching her, and she turned to find her daughter standing only a few feet away, a troubled look on her face. Immediately her thoughts turned to Anakin, and she knew something must be wrong. 

"Leia, come here. What's the matter?"

The little girl hesitated a minute before slowly walking to her mother and sitting next to her. Padme held her breath, afraid of what she was about to hear. Leia didn't have the bad news she was expecting about Anakin, but in many ways, it was worse.

Words had always come easy for Leia, but now she struggled with where to start. She had gone over things in her mind a thousand times in the past few days, but now that she had actually worked up the courage to face her mother, all the practiced confessions were gone. Instead of approaching the matter calmly as planned, she blurted out the first questions that were bothering her.

"Where are you going to live when Daddy comes home, and what's going to happen to us?" 

Padme smiled with relief. "Leia, you have nothing to worry about. I can see that living here is good for you and Luke. As soon as Daddy is well enough to come home, I'll find a small apartment nearby. No matter what, you and Luke will be safe here. There will be no more bouncing around from apartment to apartment or planet to planet. We can visit Naboo sometimes if you want, but this will always be your home. Okay?"

"You really mean it?" Leia's face was hopeful.

"Of course. Is that all that was worrying you?"

The little girl's face fell and she bit her lip. "No, I needed to tell you some other stuff, Mommy. I don't want you to be mean to Daddy anymore. I know that it's my fault and I'm sorry for being bad. I promise I won't be bad anymore, just please be nice to Daddy like you said you'd be." 

Padme flinched at her daughter's words. "What are you talking about, Leia? None of this is your fault. You're not bad. What gave you that idea?"

Leia's eyes filled with tears. "I heard them, Mommy. I listened in when I shouldn't have, remember? When I broke Luke's arm and Daddy and Uncle Obi Wan were talking about your lawyer taking us away. You and Daddy fighting all the time is my fault. I've been bad since I was a baby. I wasn't trying to hurt Luke, I just wanted you to be proud of me. I wanted you to love me. I'm sorry I'm bad, but I'm trying not to be. I just..." 

"No, you misunderstood them. There isn't any way Daddy said this is your fault. The fighting was my fault, Leia. I started it. Your Daddy and I love you more than anything. How could you think you're bad?" Padme felt a lump rising in the back of her throat. 

Leia looked off to the side, remembering. Her voice was soft and sad. "I didn't want to be a 'gotiator like Uncle Obi. Everybody compares me and Luke to Daddy and Uncle. Luke's got Daddy's saber skills and I can 'gotiate like Uncle Obi. That's what they all say, anyway. Luke's better than me with a lightsaber, so I have to try harder. Sometimes he gets hurt when I do. Usually just little stuff. When it happens, Daddy and I have to talk to Master Yoda. I get punished and he always tells Daddy 'Too much of her Mother in her, she has.' I thought being like you would make you proud, Mommy. I thought it would make you love me. So I kept trying harder, even though it got me into trouble. Then Luke's arm got broken. I wasn't trying to hurt him! I was only trying to make you love me. And instead, it made you hurt Daddy. Please don't hurt him anymore because of me. I won't be bad anymore..."

"Honey, no. You've got it all wrong. Leia..."

"I heard them! You and Daddy would have never started fighting if I hadn't been born. You got divorced because you didn't want us to be jedi..."

"That isn't true, Leia."

"And the first time you threatened to take us away from Daddy, it was my fault. I hurt Luke when we were babies and you tried to take us away. You see? It's always been my fault."

Padme's head began to spin at the realization of just how badly her children had been affected by all the fighting over the years. Leia's perception of the situation was so painfully misguided, she wondered if the damage could ever be undone.

"None of this is your fault. I want you to stop saying that."

"That's what Master Abcol tells me, but she doesn't understand that I'm bad."

"Who is that?"

"She's somebody that me and Luke have to talk to a couple times a week. She's like a healer for the mind. Daddy says she'll help us feel better about things."

Padme smiled sadly. The children definitely belonged with Anakin. He had them seeing a counselor and she hadn't even known there was a problem.

"Has she helped?"

"Sometimes, I guess. She told Daddy we were making progress before..." Leia stopped suddenly, looking afraid to go on.

"Before what?" Padme gently encouraged.

Leia looked down. "Before the bad thing happened."

Once again Padme felt like there was a knife in her heart. "Does that still scare you?"

"No. Daddy made us safe. Does it still scare you?"

"No. We're all safe. Leia, I don't want you to worry anymore about this. You're a good girl. I never thought you were bad and I've always loved you and Luke. I wasn't always good at showing it. Your father and I have a lot of things to work out when he comes back, but we will. No matter what, you will always have a home and people who love you. Do you understand that?"

Leia nodded, still feeling a little uncertain.

"I'm the one who is at fault and I'm going to do my best to fix things. After Daddy gets home and recovers from his injuries, the four of us will work on making everything better. Okay?"

She held out her arms and Leia slowly moved into the embrace. Padme choked back the tears as she rocked her daughter in her arms, wondering how Anakin could even look at her when he knew just how badly her behavior had damaged their children. She didn't blame him at all for being ready to move on with another woman. As much as it would hurt, Padme knew she would have to contact Ismay as soon as Obi Wan gave word that Anakin had been found. It was her rightful place to be by his side as he recovered. She only hoped that May wouldn't be threatened by her involvement with Anakin. He had made his choice known before he left and she would respect that. But when it came to making amends to him and trying to heal her family, Padme wanted no interference from a jealous girlfriend. The road ahead was going to be long enough for them without that.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

Her hand was shaking slightly as she removed the cap from the bottle and slid two of the capsules out onto the counter. Almost seven months, she thought as she pulled a glass down from the cabinet and filled it with water. Seven months since the medic had prescribed the painkillers. All that time and the headaches seemed to be getting worse instead of better. Of course, they had told her it was a possibility, but she never expected it to go on this long or get this bad at times. Unfortunately, head trauma was tricky business and curing the complications from it wasn't always easy. The fact that she hadn't let them run the scans and tests they wanted to didn't help much, either. With a grimace, she swallowed the bitter pills and made a vow to go back to the medic as soon as Anakin was home safely. 

Padme carefully made her way back to the living room, moving slowly since she was still feeling a little dizzy. After tucking Leia back in next to Luke, she had spent the last few hours reading Anakin's journals. She concentrated on his happier entries in an attempt to get to know the man that he had become in recent years, aside from all the pain he carried. It was evident that becoming a father had matured him in ways she never would have imagined, but it also helped him reclaim a bit of the childhood he never had the opportunity to enjoy.

The twins were his reason for living. He was their father first, making sure they were safe and well cared for but he also could be a kid right alongside them at times, playing and pretending like any other friend might. She had laughed until her sides hurt at his recounting of an incident where he let them have only one piece of a gooey candy treat for dessert, feeling good about being strong enough not to give into their pleading for more. Unfortunately, temptation got the better of him after they were in bed and he ate the entire box himself. Padme wasn't sure which was funnier, his moaning about the stomachache or the humiliation at having to explain to Luke and Leia where the candy went.

He wasn't a perfect father, but he always tried his best and he was never shy about showing them affection. He gave them the security in love and acceptance that she never did. The very things he had to fight for all his life, he gave away freely and generously without thought. It was just who he was, and he couldn't change even if he wanted to. Reading about the pride and love he felt for the twins stirred feelings deep inside, and she knew there was no turning away from them. She was still deeply in love with Anakin.

As she was considering the possibilities for the future, the news finally broke. The Republic was victorious in their mission to gain control over the Imperials and many of their highest ranking commanders were being taken into custody. Padme eagerly searched the chaotic images on the screen, hoping for a glimpse of Obi Wan with Anakin or some sign that he had been found. It was a longshot, she knew, but she needed something to hold onto.

The twins came stumbling out a little while later, stopping in the middle of the room mesmerized by the holoscreen like their mother. Padme was about to explain what was happening when Leia quietly spoke.

"They haven't found Daddy yet. Have they?"

"I don't know, sweetheart. There hasn't been news about the prisoners yet."

They both silently nodded and sat down to watch. Another few hours passed and the three of them grew restless as the reporters rehashed the few details and played the same footage of the arrests that were made earlier. Leia was especially irritated and Padme couldn't help but smile when she turned and asked,

"Mommy, why do they call them news people when they never tell us anything new?" 

Later, as she was carrying the dishes with the twins' uneaten dinner to the kitchen, she heard them announce they were switching to the live holocams on the ground. Relief flooded through her and she said a silent prayer. The moment was quickly interrupted by the Leia's screaming.

"Mommy, come here! You have to see this. Look at all the people!"

Master Windu's solemn face filled the screen and as the holocam pulled back, Padme was struck by something completely unrelated to everything going on around them. Her eyes were drawn to the black glove he wore on his right arm, so similar to Anakin's. She felt partly to blame. If Anakin hadn't been trying to save her, he never would have done such a thing. Knowing now was not the time to get caught up in the guilt and sadness of the past, she shrugged it off. Mace was speaking about the slaves that were used to work on the Death Star and as the picture focused behind him, her throat went dry. Memories of her last dream came to mind and she suddenly felt hopeless.

Obi Wan liked to think he was a strong man, not given easily to emotion. But right now, he wanted to cry. It didn't matter that there were troops to command or that his Jedi brothers were watching. The one Jedi brother that he wanted by his side, wasn't. And it was looking more and more likely that he never would be again, either.

None of them had imagined that there were this many slaves. The Imperials had hidden them well in deep bunkers that went underground, the entrances disguised with small buildings. Each one held thousands of people and so far they had uncovered five of these hell holes. The last one had been the worst, with a good number of the slaves already dead. It was here that he thought he found Anakin.

When they had entered the first building in which the slaves were kept, he had been overwhelmed by the sheer number of beings that were cramped into such tight quarters. As the shock of that began to wear off, he realized the horror of what had been done to them. In addition to the physical alterations that they had known about, each slave was imprisoned in a heavy suit of armor, similar to the gear that the clone troopers wore. These suits were not easily removed, as each part had been bonded to the body. The helmets made speech and communication impossible and Obi Wan shuddered at the thought of being isolated in such a way.

He walked around in a daze, feeling helpless as the masses of prisoners reached out to him, silently pleading for an escape. The decision was made to put out an appeal for emergency medical help from any available planet. Many of the slaves were in need of immediate care if they were to have any chance at survival. Feeling that Anakin was probably among the most desperate in need, he searched the crowds, frantically looking for any sign of him. It was chaos with people everywhere clutching at his robes and pushing toward the exit. He called out Anakin's name, but no one could answer. Just as he felt about to lose himself in a wave of panic, a strong hand took hold of his shoulder.

"Don't let your personal feelings get in the way, Obi Wan," Master Windu spoke firmly. "We'll find him, but you have to stay in control. Tune into the Force, let it guide you." His face softened slightly and he quietly added, "We all want to bring him home."

Knowing he was right, Obi Wan took a moment to focus before continuing his search. He told himself he would find his brother, no matter what. But as the day wore on and the other bunkers were discovered, he began to lose confidence. It was like trying to find a single sandflea on a bantha. For some reason, he couldn't shake the feeling that Anakin's time was running out. The conditions the slaves were subjected to were bad enough for a healthy man, let alone one who had suffered the injuries Anakin had. It would be a miracle if he managed to hold on this long.

When they entered the fifth building, they had to step over the bodies of those who had not lived long enough to be rescued. As Obi Wan studied the dead, a man about Anakin's build approached him and pulled on his arm. He was overcome with joy when the slave nodded his head in response to the question, "Anakin, is that you?"

They quickly moved him to one of the makeshift medical tents that had been set up and work to free him from the confines of the mask began. Almost an hour had passed before they managed to remove the faceplate. The jedi who had been anxiously waiting were disappointed to discover it was not Anakin. Anger surged through Obi Wan, thinking that he had been lied to. His temper quickly calmed when the medics explained that the slave was delirious with fever and unaware of where or who he was.

Ignoring the ache in his heart, Obi Wan worked dutifully to help evacuate the slaves from the bunkers. As he was guiding the last few out of the sixth building that they found, he stopped to look over the sea of people that crowded the clearing and spilled over into the woods beyond. Master Yoda and Master Windu were giving interviews to the holoreporters, once again pleading for medical supplies and assistance. He wondered if Padme and the twins were watching, and if they realized just how grave the situation was. It could be days before they found Anakin, days Obi Wan was sure he didn't have.

Feeling as though he were in a trance, he made his way to a tree stump and eased himself down. He wasn't ready to admit defeat yet, but he felt it best to contact Padme to prepare her for the worst.

"There is no death, there is the force," he mumbled to himself as he stared at the masses of people and reached for his comlink.

Padme managed to hold back the tears as she listened to Obi Wan's description of the scene she was watching on the holoscreen. As bad as it looked to her, it was a thousand times worse in reality. As much as it hurt, she appreciated his honesty. She thanked him quietly and he promised to call again soon if anything changed. The twins watched silently as she put the comlink on the table. Before she could form any words to try and tell them she was sorry, they turned back to watch the screen, holding onto one another tightly. She felt her heart shatter as she watched her son gently touch the back of his sister's head and heard him whisper, "Daddy really loved us, Leia."

Unable to bear it any longer, Padme ran to the fresher and broke down. She curled up on the floor and let loose all the pain she was feeling. She cried until her eyes ran dry and her stomach ached from the shaking. It took awhile before she managed to lift her exhausted body up and splashed some water on her face. As she was drying off, the twins began screaming.

"Call Uncle Obi, Mommy! We found Daddy!"

Wanting to believe it but afraid to, she quickly went to them. They were jumping up and down with happy smiles on their faces, yelling, "Call him, call him!"

The view on the screen looked no different to her and she wondered if they were simply seeing what they wanted.

"Where?" 

Leia pointed at one of the slaves in the crowd. "This is Daddy! Call Uncle now and tell him."

Master Yoda was still speaking and Padme studied the slaves behind him carefully. They all looked alike, it was impossible to distinguish one from another.

"Twins, I'm sorry but you can't know that that's Daddy. What makes you think..."

Leia whirled around to face her mother, her lips pursed with frustration and anger.

"We know because we've seen it a thousand times. Look and you'll see."

"See what?"

"We've watched the clips from the clone wars all the time. We've seen him do it in every interview," Luke answered.

"The special signal, Mommy! The one he did for you so you'd know he was thinking about you and wanted to hold you. Watch!" Leia yelled.

Padme turned back to the screen and waited, holding her breath. After a minute, she was amazed to see the man slowly touch his head and then cross his arms in front of his chest. Anakin's secret sign of love for her from so long ago, she had almost forgotten it. The man was obviously weak, the motions so subtle it would have been easy to miss. But the twins had recognized it and...

_"The twins. It's still their destiny to save me. They'll know. Tell Obi Wan."_

Memories of her dream came back once again and she felt stunned. Anakin _had_ spoken to her somehow. She stood staring at the figure in black as he once again raised his arms. 

"Mommy!" The twins startled her out of her disbelief and she grabbed for the comlink.

Obi Wan answered quickly and Padme wasted no time.

"Anakin's alive, Obi Wan! You can bring him home..."


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28 

Obi Wan stood by the window, watching the stars drift by without really seeing any of it. His mind was too occupied with the desperate battle being waged in the room behind him and the lingering doubt over the decisions he had made. What if he was wrong? He had been so caught up in the frenzy of the moment, he hadn't even considered the possibility. But now that there was nothing to do but wait, feelings of uncertainty had surfaced. The Skywalker family had suffered enough, they didn't need him adding to their misery.

With a heavy sigh, he leaned his forehead on the glass while closing his eyes in an attempt to calm himself. This was right. It had to be. When the call came from Padme, he had immediately ordered a ship to be readied and the course set for Naboo. Whatever advice the other Masters had offered him, he hadn't heard a word of it. He had been so intent on getting help to the man the twins were sure was their father. Within minutes of locating him, Obi Wan had assembled a medical team consisting of three medics and two jedi healers to administer care to Anakin during the trip. He had also given orders for the medical center in Theed to be contacted and arrangements made for their arrival. It all happened so fast, before he knew it, Masters Yoda and Windu were giving him the standard farewell of "May the force be with you" as he stepped up onto the ship.

It wasn't until after the trip was underway and one of the assistants had shooed him out of the treatment area that he had time to think about what he had done. Time to think about the frown on Yoda's face and the crease in Mace's brow as they said goodbye. Time to consider the fact that the twins were only five and so hopeful.

He turned to face the door once again, speaking to it as though it were a person.

"I just couldn't wait. It could take hours to get him free of that suit and if we had hung around to be sure it would have been wasted time. This way, Anakin will be getting the care he needs faster. It was rushed, but it was right. That is Anakin in there. And Naboo _is_ the best place."

He nodded firmly, then began pacing thoughtfully along the corridor, thinking that Anakin's impetuous nature had definitely rubbed off on him. As he was trying to decide if it was a good thing or not, an overwhelming sensation came over him. There was a great heaviness in his chest, and sharp pain making breathing almost impossible. The shock would have brought him to his knees if it hadn't been for the sudden presence of Anakin's force signature along with it. Just as he was beginning to adjust to the feelings, they were suddenly gone as quickly as they had come on him.

"Anakin!" he cried out, startled at the loss of the connection. As painful as it was, he longed to have it back. Feeling more than a little exhausted, he made his way back to the doorway of the treatment room and unceremoniously plopped himself down onto the floor in front of it.

"This was this right decision," he spoke quietly to himself, while struggling to keep his eyes open.

Luke was sitting on his bed, talking with R2 when Leia came in.

"Still a mess?" he asked her.

"Yup. It looks like her suitcases exploded everywhere. We haven't even been here that long for her to have unpacked that much, I don't know why she has that much stuff."

"Daddy says Mommy never travels lightly. And besides, she's not as used to packing as we are." Luke pointed to the small case sitting by his dresser. "You all done?"

"Yes. I remembered Princess Jade's wardrobe this time. Threepio is trying to help Mommy, but I think he's making it worse. Maybe R2 could go distract him?"

With a quick beep, R2 left the room.

"Why is Mommy having so much trouble?"

"I think she's thinking about Daddy and not packing. She's worried."

"But everything is going to be fine now, Leia. They have Daddy and they're gonna make him better. Even R2 said that Uncle Obi Wan did a smart thing in taking Daddy to Naboo instead of here."

"No duh, Luke. Naboo is closer to where they are and Daddy will feel better being home."

"Yeah, that's what I thought too, but R2 said there was another reason Uncle Obi had in mind. Something we wouldn't understand cause we're too young, he said." 

"Sometimes I think R2 is a little crazy."

"No he's not! He's the smartest droid in the galaxy!"

Leia rolled her eyes. "If you say so."

From down the hall they could hear Padme's exasperated voice. "No, I told you it was the blue one, not the green one! I just had it!"

Leia shut the door and dimmed the lights. Luke rolled the covers down, climbing underneath and making room for his sister in the process. 

"I wish we could just leave tonight."

"I know. Why do Mommy and Uncle Obi Wan think we need to rest? It's not that late."

"Cause they're grownups and they're tired so they think we are too. Besides, this gives them time to get Daddy better enough for us to see him tomorrow."

"I guess." Luke glanced over toward his suitcase. "Leia, do you think Mommy really meant it when she said we didn't have to be moving back and forth anymore once Daddy comes home? Do you really think we'll get to stay here all the time?"

Leia bit her lip thoughtfully. "Well, I think she wanted to mean it. We'll have to see how things are when she and Daddy get back in the same room together."

"You know what I'm gonna do if she does mean it?"

"The same thing I'm going to?" 

"Yeah, throw out that stupid suitcase."

Leia smiled and hugged her brother. "I love you, Luke," she yawned.

"I love you too, Leia."

Their eyes drifted closed.

"Tomorrow we'll see Daddy." 

_"Back so soon, old man? How did it go?" _

Obi Wan shrugged. "Same as always. Sabe wishes you well and hopes for your swift and safe return."

Anakin smiled. "She's always been nice to me, despite everything. How were the twins?"

"They weren't happy, but they were being brave. Anakin, are you sure you want to do this? I could..." 

"We've already been over this a thousand times. Seeing the look in their eyes when I was saying goodbye tonight nearly killed me but I know this is something I have to do. This will be my last mission until they're grown, I can promise you that. We just have to get through this."

"Okay, if you're sure." 

"I am. Now," he picked up the worn backpack. "There's just the matter of this. You know what to do if the worst happens."

Obi Wan stood stroking his beard thoughtfully, making no move to take the bag.

"I was thinking about that. I guess now that would go to Ismay, right?" 

Anakin looked startled. "Of course not! You know it has to go to Padme! No matter what, that will never change."

"But if Ismay is the woman you want in your life, the one you love more than any other, she should be the one you would want to have your personal effects."

"Don't do this to me, not now. You know there's more to my journals than giving them to the woman I love. They're for the twins, to share my legacy."

"I can do that."

Anakin turned away, refusing to look his brother in the eye. In a tired voice he asked, "Why are you doing this to me?"

Obi Wan softened. "Why are you doing this to you?"

After several minutes, Anakin finally answered. "For the twins mostly. And for other reasons, too. I do love her, in my own way. Padme will never take me back. Just because things went well with her today, doesn't mean there's hope for the future. I've given up on that. Ismay and I can make a decent life together. She doesn't have to be the love of my life to make me happy."

"I don't want you to make a mistake. Ismay is a lovely girl but I really believe your destiny lies with Padme. I don't want you to rush into anything..." 

"Rush into anything? Five years, Obi Wan! And she still hates me. How much longer should I wait around and let the twins be subjected to this mess? They're probably already damaged beyond repair and you want me to let this continue?"

"Just this mission, Anakin. I have a feeling about it. Something is going to happen. Don't go give her that ring tonight. Wait until you get back. If you still want to when all of this is over, you'll have my blessing. But please wait."

"I don't know if I can do that. I've thought about this a lot. If Ismay knows my intentions before I leave, she can prepare things while I'm gone. The twins won't have to go that much longer with this farce of a family life Padme and I show them."

"All the quicker they can experience the farce of a family life you and Ismay will show them." 

"That's unfair and untrue. We'll be happy."

"At first, maybe. The twins are intelligent. It wont be long before they realize what the situation is really all about. They can sense your feelings, Anakin. They'll know what your heart will be unable to hide. Someday, when they're grown and can truly understand the sacrifice you made for them, how do you think it will make them feel?"

Anakin stomped across the room, shoving the backpack into Obi Wan's hands.

"May is not some beast. She is a kind, beautiful woman and she makes me laugh. We have fun together. This isn't a death sentence, it's a marriage. If it's one that will be good for my children's mental health too, then all the better."

He picked up his own bag, stuffing a small box inside as he walked toward the door. Obi Wan felt the sting of tears behind his eyes. He didn't want things left this way between them but he didn't regret his words. As he was about to call out, Anakin turned back. The anger and defiance were gone from his face. 

"Someday, I hope they'll understand that no sacrifice would be too big for me to make for them. Keeping them secure and happy makes me happy, so it really isn't that awful."

"Will you at least consider what I said?"

He stepped forward for a quick embrace.

"I always do."

"May the force be with you, Anakin."

"And with you, Obi Wan." 

"Obi Wan? Wake up, you dozed off." 

Feeling disoriented, he slowly came awake, realizing he was leaning against the view window in an awkward pose. Master Drebosh was standing over him, holding out a hand to help him up. He was a good natured man and he had become familiar with Anakin throughout the years during his many visits to the healers wing.

"We should be arriving shortly. I would like to update you on his condition before we get there. But before that, he's awake and wants to see you. Just briefly, though. He needs to be more deeply sedated for the transfer from the ship to the medical center."

"Is he going to be okay?"

"Time will tell. He's going to need some surgeries. We'll know more when we can do some more in depth scans. He's on a respirator for now, so he can only communicate a little. Somehow he knew you were waiting for him. Shall we?" 

Obi Wan stepped into the room first and made his way to the bed. Anakin was covered in blankets almost up to his chin. He was shivering slightly. His head had been shaved but it had already begun to grow in again. Other than that, Obi Wan saw nothing different in his face. Any cuts or bruises he had gotten must have healed. The mouthpiece of the respirator covered his teeth, but hopefully they were all there, too. His eyes were clear and bright, showing only slight signs of the pain medication he had been given.

"You know Anakin, if you wanted a vacation on Naboo, you could have just asked."

Anakin blinked his eyes a few times and lifted his left hand from under the blankets. Obi Wan held onto it with both of his.

"I'm glad to see you looking so well. You're going to be back to annoying me before you know it."

Anakin pulled his hand away and pointed to a datapad that was nearby. Obi Wan held it out for him. With shaky fingers, he typed just three letters.

L L P

Obi Wan smiled warmly.

"Your family is fine, Anakin. They'll be here to see you soon. I have so much to tell you, so much you're not going to believe. Padme has changed. There is hope for the four of you now. She loves you." 

He tilted his head as much as the tubes would let him and grabbed for Obi Wan's hand again.

"Master Kenobi, we need you to leave now. I'm sorry."

"I understand." He touched Anakin's head gently. "I have to let them help you now. I'll be there when you wake up. We all will. We love you, Anakin."

Anakin patted him on the shoulder then gestured for him to get out. Obi Wan smiled, relieved that Anakin was still himself. Master Drebosh followed him out.

"He looks much better than I was expecting."

"He does. You would never know he's as sick as he is. Let's go somewhere we can talk. The next few days are going to be critical."


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29

Obi Wan ran a hand through his damp hair as he stared at the holoscreen in front of him. After a few hours sleep and a quick shower, he was feeling awake and restless. When they had arrived at the med center the previous night, Anakin had been rushed in for evaluation and surgery. His medical team followed along and Obi Wan had been handed off to a young man by the name of Drew. He introduced himself as a patient/family advocate who was there to help make their time at the center as comfortable and easy as possible.

After being shown Anakin's medical suite, Obi Wan wondered if he was actually in a luxury hotel instead of a medical facility.  
In addition to the room where Anakin would be taken care of, there was also guest sleeping quarters with a full refresher, a comfortable living room waiting area and a small conference room. Everything seemed to be sparkling clean and top of the line and he relaxed a little more with his decision to come to Naboo. With his mind a little more at ease, he waved off the offer of food and drink and fell into one of the comfortable beds, anxious for some much needed rest.

Drew had returned early in the morning with a large breakfast tray and news of Anakin's condition. Obi Wan listened intently as he explained what the medics found and the treatment they were following. Anakin was being kept on a respirator to help strengthen his damaged lungs, but he would be allowed to remove it for short periods of time to speak. He was expected to be in recovery from the surgeries for a little while longer before being brought to the room, so Obi Wan had taken the opportunity to get cleaned up. Now that there was nothing more for him to do than wait, it was killing him. He clicked the holoscreen off and stood to pace the room as Drew came back in.

"Master Skywalker should be here soon. He's almost fully awake and they're just adjusting his pain medication. He seems to be doing fairly well considering the circumstances. They're going to let him see you for a bit before making him go back under. He doesn't know exactly what's happened to him and no one has gotten his side of the story yet, either. He'll only be able to talk for limited amounts of time so I asked that they wait until the two of you could speak. Is that acceptable?"

"Definitely. How is he?"

"He seems calm, despite the pain. He wrote your name so I know he's anxious to speak with you. When I told him he would be with you soon, he relaxed. Is there anything I can get you or do for you before he gets here?"

Obi Wan smiled. "Nothing I need. The only thing I will ask is that you keep an eye out for Anakin's family. They'll be arriving later this afternoon I would guess. His twins and their mother."

"Of course. Having them here will help his recovery process. Are they familiar with this facility?"

"Actually, the twins were born here five years ago. Only, the place looked nothing like this then. It's much more fancy now."

Drew nodded. "Well, we have an anonymous benefactor that has donated quite a bit of money over the past few years. People around here all have a theory as to who it is, but one of the nurses up on the maternity wing swears she knows for sure. She might be right too, since the first check that arrived came with the stipulation that it be used to fix up that wing."

"Oh? Who does she think this benefactor is?"

"She refuses to name names but she swears she had this famous couple once and that it has something to do with them probably."

Obi Wan froze. "Famous?"

"Yeah, she won't say what for, though. Anyway, she said you could cut the tension in that room with a knife. For some reason, they hated each other and the fact that she was in labor and in pain didn't help matters. They weren't here that long when she threw something at him and it broke and he complained about having to pay for it. She laughed at him and said he was broke and couldn't even afford to buy a cup of caf from the machine in the hall. Then she complained about being in this dump and they started a huge fight. He said someday he'd have enough money to make this place a palace so their next baby would be born in luxury and they fought more. That's the gist of the story but I think the nurse has a good imagination. Can you really see two people having a baby when they can't even be in the same room together?"

Obi Wan stroked his beard, hiding a smirk. "I can't even imagine"

"I know. She's the only one with that elaborate a theory but everyone has their own idea of who it might be. I think it's probably a single parent or someone who was an orphan since the first few checks were earmarked for the maternity ward, the pediatric unit and a clinic for the poor. Whoever it is, they've got a soft spot for family and children."

"I think you could be right."

The door behind them opened quietly and an attendant walked in leading the gurney carrying Anakin. He was hooked up to several bags of fluid that were attached to lines in his arm and neck. There was a soft beeping noise that Obi Wan guessed must be some kind of heart monitor but it could barely be heard over the rhythmic sound of the machine that was assisting his breathing. As they settled him into his bed, Obi Wan watched as Anakin reached out with his right arm to pull at the covers. Gone was the prosthetic and in its place was an arm that looked the same as the one that he had lost so many years ago. He was so preoccupied with staring at it, he didn't realize the nurse was talking to him.

"Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry, I..." he started to apologize but the nurse just smiled.

"I've taken the tube out of his mouth for now so the two of you can speak. I'll be back in a little while to replace it so make the most of your time. If you need me, hit the button. I understand Master Skywalker is going to be having some more visitors this afternoon so he'll need his rest. Keep it short."

With that she turned to leave, taking the attendants with her. Drew reminded Obi Wan one more time where he could be found if needed and promised to bring Padme and the children along at once when they arrived. Then he quietly slipped from the room, leaving the brothers alone for the first time.

Anakin was sitting up and there was a slight smile on his face. He looked tired and a little worn, but happy to be home. Obi Wan reached out and rubbed the stubble that had begun to grow in on top of his head as tears filled his eyes.

"I started to think maybe I wouldn't see you again. How did it happen?"

Anakin swallowed several times and when he finally spoke, his voice wasn't much above a whisper.

"A little friend I met there. Waving to me at the wrong time. Not realizing he was giving my location up to them. I remember one shot to the shoulder but when I landed, my chest...there was so much blood. I don't remember a lot."

"That shot destroyed most of the muscle left just above the prosthetic but the arm was salvageable. They hit you in the chest once but that isn't what caused most of the damage. While you were falling, you were struck with several branches of the tree. One of them went straight through your good lung that wasn't hit by the blaster fire. That's where all the blood came from. From the looks of your scans, you hit your head on the way down and fractured your skull, too. It's a wonder you were able to think clearly enough to send Artoo on his way."

"That's foggy. I barely remember anything after the first hit. Not until I was put in that suit. It was torture. It was total darkness and I was cut off from everything, the light and the force and being able to feel my family. But it was also my salvation because without it I couldn't breathe and I couldn't stand the pain. Sometimes when I slept, I could escape it all and feel the twins, but sleep didn't come often. They wouldn't let it. I could only touch the force and reach out if I didn't breathe. It got harder toward the end...as I got weaker."

Obi Wan swallowed back tears. "That suit was made for you Anakin. They knew you were force sensitive and it was designed to cut you off from it. Your lungs were so badly damaged, you needed the life support of that suit. The only way you could have contact with the force was if you refused to rely on that life support. They also didn't do anything to clean your wounds, so they're pretty badly infected. The pain had to be excruciating. To let go of the pain blockers it provided for even a short time would have been almost impossible."

"It was. I couldn't do anything except wait to die. Some hero with no fear."

"Anakin, you helped bring them down. The mission was a success because of you. And you did let go despite the pain. You were able to touch your family when they needed you. The twins could feel you. They never gave up the hope you were alive. And Padme. Somehow you managed to speak with her in dreams and make her see things she needed to. I gave her the journals but you helped it along. There's hope for you two now. You're not going to believe the changes. You're going to have to fight hard to get well because you have to put your family back together."

Anakin looked away, deep in thought. "I thought of them every second and in my dreams I sometimes spoke to her. I think maybe too much has happened to be able to put us back together."

"You haven't seen her."

"I don't think she read them all. If she had, she wouldn't be coming here to see me."

"What are you talking about?"

"She was only supposed to read them if I was dead."

"Anakin, I meant well. And they have changed her. You'll see."

"I'm not mad at you, Obi Wan. Does she know what I did to him? Did she read it?"

Obi Wan crossed his arms over his chest and slowly shook his head.

"Anakin, you didn't. You said you kept your promise. You told me..."

"I know! I told you the truth. I did keep my promise to her. But promises and truths can be twisted a little."

"What did you do?"

"Master Kenobi," a voice behind him startled him. "It's time for Master Skywalker to rest. You'll be able to talk more when his family arrives."

The nurse made her way over to the bed and began preparing Anakin's respirator. "Did you two have a nice conversation?"

The two jedi stared at one another intensely. Obi Wan didn't take his eyes off Anakin. "It was fine. Anakin, nothing in the past matters more than the future. She knows that now. Worry about getting better. Don't let him destroy anything else. Do you understand me?"

Anakin gave a reluctant half nod before slowly closing his eyes. The nurse injected something into one of the bags of fluid and then hooked up another one. After checking a few vital signs, she seemed satisfied. She motioned for Obi Wan to follow her into the living room area when she was finished. He waited for her to be seated and then sat across from her.

"I don't mean to pry, but I feel I walked in on a situation between the two of you. I just wanted to let you know that Master Skywalker's injuries are pretty severe and the surgeries he's just been through took quite a toll on his body. He looks much better than he should for someone who has been through everything he has."

Obi Wan sighed and the young woman blushed.

"I'm sorry. What I'm trying to say, and not very well, is that your friend has been through a lot and he still has a lot of anesthetic in his body. Under the best of circumstances that can make a person irritable and difficult so try not to take too much to heart what he says and does right now."

He sat wide eyed and speechless for a moment, not trusting himself to speak. She meant we after all, and had no understanding of the situation or of Anakin and he had no desire to hurt her feelings. His brief pause made it seem as though he were considering her words carefully and she studied him while waiting for a response.

"Well, thank you for the warning. Anakin being difficult is something I will definitely have to get used to."

She smiled, looking relieved. "But only for the time being. He'll improve as time goes on and get back to his old self."

Obi Wan smiled back at her. "That's exactly what I'm counting on."

He waited for the door to close behind her before slumping down in the chair and letting out a heavy sigh.

A few floors below, Padme pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to avoid the oncoming headache. She glanced back to check on the twins. They were still safely seated, watching the crowd that had already begun to gather to see their father. Several members of the press were there but they were well outnumbered by average citizens, most of them female, Padme noted. The security team was doing well keeping them contained, even as more and more people arrived.

She turned back to the young girl at the desk, allowing herself the brief fantasy of ripping the comm headpiece off the girl's head and shaking her as she listened to her conversation.

"I've never been one for politics so I wouldn't recognize her anyway. Without the visitors list, it wouldn't matter if she were the queen. You know that, so I suggest you do your job and get me that list... Do you know how many people I've seen this morning claiming to be his family already?...It's protocol...Well then, you get down here and take care of it. She can stand here all day with the rest of them until proper procedures are... yes...I figured you would...fine."

The girl looked through Padme with the same cold stare she had given all the others who had requested to see Anakin.

"Master Skywalker's advocate seems to think you may be who you say you are. He's on his way. You can have a seat and I will direct him your way."

Padme gritted her teeth and nodded as another young woman came to stand next to her.

"I'm here to see Anakin Skywalker," her voice was soft and breathless.

The girl behind the desk was unamused. "There are no visitors allowed at this time. You may wait with the others for a statement to be released."

"But I'm his wife."

"Of course you are. You can sit over there with the rest of his wives," she turned away from the woman and pushed a few buttons on the board in front of her.

"Drew?" she spoke into the mouthpiece of her headset once again. "I forgot to mention. As soon as you get down here with that visitors list, I'm going to beat you with it. Just thought you should know."

Despite her anxiety, Padme couldn't help smiling.


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30

Luke shifted impatiently from foot to foot as he looked up at the tall man speaking quietly to his mother. It seemed like a lifetime since the four of them made their way into this small room, and he was getting anxious. He glanced over at Leia, but she wasn't paying any attention to him or the conversation. Instead, she sat looking bored, blowing every so often at a stray curl that had worked it's way out of her hairclip. How could she be so calm and relaxed when they had come so far and their Daddy was so close? Why was everything taking so long?

He reminded himself a jedi was to have patience and turned back to study the man some more in an effort to distract himself and gain control. Drew, as he introduced himself, was slightly taller than Anakin but had almost the same build. His head was shaved and he had bright blue eyes and a friendly smile. Luke thought he seemed nice and was curious to ask him some questions. Just as he thought he couldn't take waiting another minute, the man turned from their mother and motioned for him to come closer as he began speaking to Leia.

"I'll be taking you up to your father's suite of rooms now and I'd like to know if you have any questions before we go. Your father spent a long time in the surgery and he is still working on getting better. That means he'll be sleeping a lot and when he is awake, he may not seem like himself right away because of all the medication and things we're doing to help him. There is also a lot of strange looking equipment in the room that may seem scary, but it's all there for his benefit. There is nothing to be upset about or afraid of. Do you understand?"

The twins looked at one another and smiled. "Mr. Drew?" Leia began, "Luke and I have been to the healers wing more times than probably any of the other younglings at the temple. We know all about the equipment. We'll be okay."

"Oh, good then. But if there is anything you're not familiar with or if you do think of a question, feel free to ask. That's what I'm here for."

"There is one thing I'm wondering about," Luke tilted his head as he studied the man.

"Ask away."

"Was it embarrassing when that little girl out there smacked you like that in front of everybody?"

Padme sounded mortified as she tried to quiet Luke, but Drew just laughed and ruffled his hair.

"We're going to get along good, Luke Skywalker. Now lets go see your father."

Obi Wan listened to the rhythmic sound of Anakin's assisted breathing and sighed. Padme and the twins were here. He could feel them. He wondered if Anakin was aware of their presence, even in his sleep. Had he done the right thing in giving her the journals? If the question had come up the day before, he would have answered absolutely, positively yes. But after seeing Anakin's reaction to the news, he wasn't so sure. It would be easy enough to shrug it off as a side effect of the trauma he'd been through and when his health improved, he'd see the good it did. But Obi Wan wasn't convinced that Anakin was as foggy as the medics expected him to be. He seemed quite lucid when he was fretting over Padme's reaction. Something about the situation just didn't add up and he hoped to have a chance to clear things up with him before he spoke to his family.

Patting Anakin's hand, he spoke softly. "She loves you. You hear me? It's going to work out. Don't say anything stupid and mess it up."

He heard the door behind him followed by a rush of footsteps and then Luke's voice.

"Daddy! Uncle Obi Wan! We're here!"

Luke skidded to a stop at the side of the bed, the look of confusion growing on his face as he studied his father. Leia reached out for his hand as she came to stand with him. Obi Wan stepped back to greet Padme with a hug and the two of them watched as the twins adjusted to Anakin's appearance.

After awhile, Leia reached out and gently touched the stubble of hair that was growing in on Anakin's head, letting her hand trail down his unusually pale cheek.

"How did Daddy get a new hand?"

"The medics fixed it. This is the latest technology. Its just like a real arm now."

Leia turned to Obi Wan with her lips pursed. "But I liked Daddy the way he was. His arm didn't need to be fixed."

"It did, Leia. Your father was injured and a new arm was the best way to help him. Just because he looks different, doesn't mean that he's changed in other ways. He's still the man we all know and love. And he loves you very much. You'll see when he wakes."

She looked from her uncle to her father, then slowly took his hand in both of hers as she leaned in to whisper softly to him.

"I love you, Daddy. No matter what."

"Me too," Luke added. "Mommy said when you wake up, we can all go to the lake house while you get better. Please wake up soon."

"It may be a little while before he wakes. Would the two of you like to see the books and holos we have while you wait? Unless you'd prefer a nap?" Drew laughed.

"What a wonderful idea after the long trip," Padme smiled at Drew.

"No nap!" Luke quickly turned around. "We could watch something, though."

"Is all the candy in that room, Mr. Drew?" Leia asked, looking toward the living room area.

"What candy?"

"You know, you said you were taking us to daddy's sweets room."

"No, no candy in there, I'm afraid. But just down the hall is a kitchen. If it's okay with your mother, we can go find a snack or two and I'll explain the difference between a suite of rooms and a sweets room."

"That sounds like fun. It will give Uncle Obi and me a chance to talk. You both be on your best behavior. Okay?"

"Okay," they answered in unison. They both kissed Anakin on the cheek and whispered something into his ear before leaving.

As the door closed behind them, Padme crossed her arms over her chest as she spoke to Obi Wan.

"What is it? You're worried, I can see it all over your face. What's wrong with Anakin? What haven't they told me?"

With a sigh, Obi Wan took her arm, leading her toward the other room.

"Let's go sit. Anakin is as well as can be expected, under the circumstances. I'm sure they told you everything there was to tell. He's upset about you, worried you haven't read his journals. Especially the part about Darvin. You didn't read that, did you?"

Padme shifted uncomfortably in her chair.

"No. I figured some things are better left in the past. I didn't think that part was important."

"I think you may have to prepare yourself for the worst. He told me he kept his word, but that the truth can be twisted. I'm not sure what he meant, exactly. He wasn't making a whole lot of sense. He seemed convinced that you wouldn't have come if you had read it and knew what really happened."

"He wouldn't have broken his promise! Would he?"

"I don't think so, but you have to accept that things may not have been as you wished. You have to ask yourself, what is most important? Putting your family back together and building a future together or dwelling on something bad that he may or may not have done?"

Padme stared at the floor for several minutes, deep in thought.

"My family. That is what is most important right now."

"Good. Remember that. Just in case."

A loud alarm from Anakin's room startled them. He was awake and trying to remove his breathing tube.

"Anakin, wait! The nurse will be here shortly to help you."

He reached out to Padme, grasping her hand tightly.

"It's so good to see you, Anakin. I never thought I'd see your beautiful eyes again," tears streamed down her face as she spoke. "You're going to get well and things are going to be different. I promise. You just have to cooperate and give yourself time to heal. I'm not going anywhere...no matter what. Everything is going to be fine."

"Of course it is!" the nurse announced as she nudged Padme and Obi Wan out of the way. "Being a little ornery again, Master Skywalker? If you pull out these tubes on your own, you're going to set back your recovery. You don't want to do that now, do you? I met your children in the hall. They're adorable and very anxious to have their father back. Now, take a deep breath and then blow it out."

Padme and Obi Wan looked at each other in shock when Anakin merely nodded. Within a few minutes, the tubes were removed and his medication was administered. The nurse chastised him some more for his actions and told him he better think twice before hurting himself again. She smiled sweetly, but her words were stern as she pointed a finger at him.

"If the Hero with No Fear were to die of his own stupidity on my watch, it wouldn't look good for me. If I have to resuscitate you, I'll make you regret it. Got it?"

Anakin whispered faintly, "Got it."

"Good. I'll be back in a bit. I'm sure you'll be waiting anxiously." She winked at Padme and Obi Wan as she left.

"I like her!" Obi Wan laughed.

"You would," Anakin frowned.

Padme touched his cheek. "She's right, though. If anything were to happen to you, the twins and I couldn't bear it. Anakin, I have so much to talk to you about. So much to apologize for. I hope we can move forward and work on the hard feelings between us. I..."

He placed a finger on her lips, silencing her.

"Shh...time for that later. You need to finish what you started. You have to understand why. Darvin...everything I've ever done has been for you. And the twins. Please, Padme. We can't get close to happy then lose it again. Please..."

His raspy voice and labored breathing scared her.

"It's okay. Just rest. We'll talk about it when you're stronger."

"No, now. Promise me you'll read it. Promise. Then we can talk about the future. After."

"I promise. And I promise nothing I read will matter. Nothing will change how I feel."

"No. I…you don't…I need to talk to Obi Wan."

Padme studied him for a moment, unsure of leaving with so much unsaid. She saw the desperation in his eyes and decided it was best to let the men talk for awhile.

"Okay, I'll go get the twins. Please just rest Anakin and don't worry. It's going to be okay from now on."

She kissed his forehead before leaving. He gingerly cleared his throat and motioned for Obi Wan to come closer.

"Make sure she reads it. Make sure."

"We'll talk about it when you're stronger. For now you need to concentrate on healing."

"No. You don't understand. It could ruin everything...."

"I'm sorry. I did what I thought was best. You're not making much sense. Even Padme seemed to believe you were leading her to read your journals. Why are you so upset about it now?"

Anakin closed his eyes and attempted to take a few deep breaths.

"I was. What happened to him happened. She needs to find out now instead of later. A vision. Once I could touch the force again. Me and the lawyers at a table. Lots of paperwork. Talk of custody of the twins. I don't know exactly but...there was this blinding rage for Darvin. It was his fault that it was happening. She needs to know everything now so we can work it out. No surprises later and taking my babies from me."

"She wouldn't! Things are different. You're worrying over something that will never come to pass. You need rest then you'll see this with a clear head. The meds...."

"Just promise me you'll see that she reads it. Defend me if you have to. Please."

"She'll read it, I promise. And you'll see that it makes no difference."

There was a soft knock on the door.

"I hope you're right. Let the twins in. I need to see them before I sleep."

Luke and Leia could sense their father's pain as they quietly stood next to his bed. He reached out to hug them close to him and they did their best to be gentle.

"We missed you so much, Daddy."

"I love both of you so much. The two of you kept me alive. I knew I would see you again. I'm never leaving you. Ever."

"We love you too."

"I need to sleep now but soon we'll swim and camp and have fun. Soon...." He closed his eyes.

Drew lead the four of them to the living room as the nurse replaced Anakin's necessary tubes. He set the twins up in front of the holoscreen before leaving to see to their lunch.

Obi Wan watched as Padme bit her lip, deep in thought.

"It will be difficult revisiting that time, but you have to do it. For him."

"I know, Obi Wan. I'm strong enough to handle it. As soon as the twins go to sleep tonight, I'll read it. I'm just worried about what I'm going to find out. I promised it wouldn't matter, but what if it does?"

"It won't, Padme. It can't."

"It can't," she repeated, sounding doubtful.


	31. Chapter 31

_I touched the dark side of the force today...for the first time since my ordeal with Palpatine. Well, that deeply anyway._

_One thing The Order learned from that dark time is that dealing in absolutes can be very dangerous. They thought it was strictly a sith trait, but they were wrong. Over the years, the Jedi had become just as narrow minded and short sighted as the sith were, only, they couldn't see it. They were under the assumption that their way of doing things was superior because they focused on the light side of the force. Their rigid refusal to change or see things any other way than their own almost brought about their destruction._

_The sith were truly evil, no doubt. But the Jedi were not the perfect opposite by any means. It's ironic that I, the Chosen One, brought balance to the force by going against some of their most sacred teachings. I was meant to do all that I did then. And today._

_I don't fool myself into believing for one minute that I can completely ignore the dark side of myself. That would be unnatural. Just as denying the breath in my lungs or the love in my heart would be. Keeping control of those dark emotions and not embracing them as a way of life is the key. If one never feels sadness, how do they know when they are happy? The same principle applies to the force. We must immerse ourselves in the light but remain aware of the darkness._

_As I've grown in the light, the darkness seems much further removed now, as it should. But it always remains just below the surface. It must not be forgotten or taken for granted._

_No, I don't regret what I did today. Not one bit. As before, my actions were because of her. For her. And that is something I will not apologize for. Ever._

I know most normal beings can't wait for the day of rest after a long week. Not me. At least, not when the twins are with Padme. When they are with me, we often stay up a little too late the night before playing silly games or camping out in the living room. Usually the night isn't complete until one of the twins remarks 'If Mommy could see this, we'd all be in trouble.' Then it's my turn to wink and say 'What Mommy doesn't know, won't hurt her.' The twins always find that funny and we end up having a good laugh. It's not like we're doing anything horrible. Padme just frowns on so much these days.

I love my children more than I ever would have thought possible and I try to be a good father. So what if we play with water blasters in the house? Water dries eventually. Who cares if we jump on the bed? Why make them so springy if we aren't meant to jump on them anyway? The twins always get fed well even if we do eat on the good furniture sometimes. And I always make sure they are bathed and presentable. Especially after we make mud pies in the sink or one of our experiments explodes all over us.

Building a volcano out of chocolate ice cream and cherry soda was just a bad idea, I admit. But no one got hurt and we even got the gum out of Leia's hair without having to cut it. We still smile when we look up at the stain on the ceiling. I guess eventually I'll paint over it but it makes me happy. It reminds me of good times with my twins- especially when I'm pacing around this lonely, empty apartment on a rest day they aren't here.

When Padme has them for the week, I immerse myself in work at the temple. At least I get to see them during the day. It keeps me from going crazy. Rest days without them are just plain torture. Like yesterday. I woke up comfortable in my bed, much too early, listening to the sound of silence. It seems odd, but I prefer waking up to the sounds of the twins- Luke curled up next to me snoring and Leia smacking me gently on the cheek telling me "Wake up Daddy!" in her cheery little voice. I prefer to have an aching back from sleeping in an odd position or on the floor usually enhanced by the fact that Luke kicks in his sleep. But no. Yesterday I was pain free and well rested. And absolutely miserable.

Yesterday was bad. I didn't want to do anything. Obi Wan stopped by to check on me. He knows how hard it is sometimes. He didn't stay long, just enough to let me know I'm not alone in the world and if I need anything... He is a good friend and I don't know what I would do without him. I didn't even return Ismay's call. There are times I just can't pretend to be happy and yesterday was one of them. She understands though, and she knows I'll call when I'm ready. Sometimes I just need a day to acknowledge how wrong my life is. Yesterday was that day.

It's probably why I woke up extra early this morning and rushed off to the temple. I went straight to my classroom to get the flight simulators all set. That way, the students could get started right off and I could sneak away to peek on the twins in their saber class. I hate this stupid visitation schedule! Padme only had them for a week this time but it felt like an eternity. Especially yesterday. The apartment was so quiet and clean. I hate it like that.

Anyway, after settling my students in for the morning and leaving one of the older padawans in charge, I headed straight for the youngling's training room. Obi Wan was standing just inside the door and I immediately sensed something was wrong. The smile on my face slowly faded as I noted the look of concern on his. A quick look around the room revealed the twins weren't there.

"Obi Wan, where?" Had they been hurt and taken down to the healers? Or were they just in the fresher? "Did something happen?"

Obi Wan put a hand on my shoulder and shook his head. "They haven't arrived yet, Anakin. It's probably nothing to be worried about yet. I'm sure Padme had her hands full getting them ready all by herself this morning."

By herself? Padme never had the twins alone. "What do you mean? What about Sabe and Cora?"

"Cora has a few, well deserved weeks off. And Sabe, she left for her home two days ago. Family issue of some kind. Padme will probably be along any time now. You know how Leia is in the morning."

I couldn't believe my ears. Padme had the twins all by herself for two days? Even on the rest day? I looked at my timepiece and doubts crept into my mind.

"But, Padme was due in the Senate over an hour ago! She's never late."

"No, she isn't. Perhaps she went in on time and left the twins in the care of Threepio. He could have lost track of time." Obi Wan gave me a reassuring smile but I felt as though the air had been sucked out of my lungs.

"Threepio? Surely she would know better than to leave them with him? You know how Luke is. He can disable a droid with one hand tied behind his back. What if he and Leia shut him down and they are out there somewhere running wild? I should have thought about this possibility before. Why didn't I install some security measures into his programming? Force, I'm the worst father in the galaxy!"

"Calm down, Anakin. To be honest, I had the same thought. But search your feelings. Surely if the twins were out there unattended, there would be a disturbance in the force. A huge disturbance. Besides, after that business with Master Yoda's hover chair, do you really think Luke would be ready to tinker around again so soon? If they don't arrive shortly, we'll go looking for them. If we panic right away and there ends up being a simple reason for their lateness, you know what Padme will do."

I sighed. Yes, I knew what she would do. She would be angry and paranoid that we were checking up on her. There would be an argument about my not trusting her including a lot of screaming and yelling. Somehow it would all be my fault, even the fact that the twins were late in the first place. In Padme's eyes, I can't do anything right.

As much as I hated waiting, I told myself there had to be a reasonable explanation for their absence. Fights with Padme always tear me up inside and it's something the twins shouldn't have to witness. I was telling myself a few more minutes wouldn't hurt anything if it helped avoid a confrontation when Threepio arrived with the twins in hand. Relief washed over me at first until I noticed the condition the twins were in.

Luke had what looked like chocolate milk spilled on his tunic. And Leia. Her hair was split into two of the most uneven, messy braids I had ever seen. Surely Padme would not let them leave the house in that state. She's always so fussy about the children's appearance. There were times she spent an hour putting Leia's hair in elaborate styles. Obi Wan noticed, too and gave me an uneasy look.

Threepio noticed us standing there and rushed over, his arms waving excitedly.

"Master Anakin, I do apologize for the delay and for the twins' appearance. I'm not much more than an interpreter and not very good at controlling children or braiding hair."

I smiled at his outburst and glanced once again at the twins. They were busy talking to Master Gallia.

"Why were you doing Leia's hair? Did Padme have to leave for work early because you could have called me..."

Threepio froze in place for a moment before tilting his head as though he were uncomfortable. "Oh, no. The mistress is under the weather today. She wished to have no company. She had faith that I was capable of getting the job done and didn't want to call anyone. She should be fine in a few days."

"She's sick? Has she seen a medic? What's going on?"

Padme never got sick. She refused to. Something felt very wrong. "I'll come home with you to make sure she doesn't need anything. I want to make some adjustments to your programming, anyway."

The droid seemed to panic when I said that.

"Oh, no! You can't! Mistress Padme was very insistent that no one visit. She is just a little under the weather and should be fine in a few days. Rest is all she needs. And please don't deactivate me! I'm terribly sorry I failed so miserably with the children!"

"Calm down. I just want to install some safety measures that would override any attempt to shut you down or alter your programming. What's wrong with Padme?"

I was starting to feel irrational with fear and thoughts of shaking him crossed my mind. Obi Wan must have picked up on my thoughts because he placed a hand on my back and sent me calming waves through the force.

"I'm sorry, sir but I don't know what the problem is. I only spoke to her through the door. And her instructions were very clear..."

"I know, I know." I interrupted him. "Was she ill last night?"

Again he tilted his head in that confused manner.

"I'm sorry sir, but I didn't see her last night. I think I must have been shut down to recharge for awhile. Now, if you'll please excuse me, I should be returning home in case she needs me. Do you require anything else before I go?"

I just shook my head, realizing I wasn't going to get anywhere with him. He started to leave but stopped briefly to say goodbye to Master Gallia. The twins turned and saw me. I felt such joy as they came running up to me.

"Daddy!" they both yelled. I knelt down and they nearly knocked me over. "We missed you Daddy!" Leia smiled. Luke stepped back, watching me with wide eyes. Something definitely wasn't right.

"Here Princess" I said as I turned Leia away from me and started undoing her mismatched braids. It took me some time, but I had mastered the art of braiding hair before Leia turned two. At first I had felt a little awkward about it, me, a battle hardened jedi doing such a girly thing as fussing over hair. I quickly got over that, though. Being a single daddy helped me get over a lot of things, fast. Leia was proud of her hair and Padme always made a big deal out of putting in fancy twists or ponytails. I was not about to let my princess go around with messy hair while she was in my care. So I swallowed my pride and learned.

"What's the matter with Mommy?" I asked while gently redoing Leia's hair. Luke looked down at the floor but my Princess was as poised as ever.

"Mother is a little under the weather. She should be back to herself in a few days. That's all."

I finished her braid and turned her around to face me. Her face was set. I could tell she wasn't going to give up any information. I saw Luke looking at me from the corner of my eye but when I glanced over at him, he quickly looked away again.

"So Luke. Is Mommy just a little under the weather? When did she become ill?" Fear began to creep in again when he refused to look at me. He started to put his thumb in his mouth, a habit he quit long ago but occasionally fell back on when he was nervous or scared. Leia quickly smacked his hand down.

"Stop that this instant Luke Skywalker! You're almost five and only babies suck their thumbs!"

Obi Wan came to my aid then. "Leia, you're supposed to be nice to your brother, remember?" She smiled up at him and put her arms out for a hug. I put my hands on Luke's shoulders to try to get him to look at me.

"What's wrong, Master Luke? You know you can tell Daddy anything."

He looked over at his sister nervously before speaking. "Mommy..." he hesitated, looking toward Leia again but she was busy with Obi Wan. My heart was breaking, he seemed so upset. "Last night, Mommy.."

"LUKE!" Leia pulled away from Obi Wan and stared hard at her brother.

"But Leia, Daddy can help. He should know."

He was shaking a little now. Leia put her hands on her hips and leaned in toward him.

"But he does know, Luke. He's already heard how Mother is under the weather and will be fine in a few days." She turned and smiled up at me sweetly before whispering harshly in his ear "YOU PROMISED!" Luke looked down again and mumbled "Mommy's going to be just fine in a few days, Daddy."

Leia grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the class. "We're late, Daddy. We'll talk to you later. Love you!" They stepped a few feet away when she whispered something else into his ear. He nodded his head slowly and turned to look back at me. I was unprepared when he ran back into my arms and gave me a tight hug, clinging to my neck. I held him for a minute, trying to soothe away his fear. When he finally let go, he looked at me for a minute before running to join his sister who was watching him closely.

"What do you think that's about?" Obi Wan asked.

"I don't know, but I intend to find out." In truth, I wasn't really sure what to think.

"Why don't you go back to your class for now and give them time to settle into the day. Leia's guard might be down by morning break and maybe you'll get more information then. If not, let me know and I'll distract her so you can get Luke alone. Whatever Padme is going through, she isn't too under the weather that she wasn't able to get everyone's story straight. Don't worry."

Obi Wan, always the voice of reason. It was a good idea. But telling me not to worry was like telling the suns not to set at night. He went over to help with the class and I waved at the twins before slipping out the door. I don't really remember walking back to my own classroom. My mind was on other things.

* * *

It wasn't a good morning. My students were always well behaved but I just had trouble focusing on the class. Most of them were on the second level of the flight program when I returned. This was usually the point when problems arose and crashes took place. That's when I would step in to review the sequence leading to the accident and instruct the young pilot on how to prevent it from happening again. Fortunately, this was an advanced class and there were few problems. Unfortunately, the one student who did need my help was Jaiden.

He's around the age I was when I first arrived here but I still see him as that little guy, like Luke. He's a brave child, a hard worker and a quick learner. He has no idea the connection I feel to him. If I weren't so busy with the twins, I might have asked to take him as a padawan. It's probably best that I didn't. Looking at him takes me back to the dark time. It hurts but it's a memory I plan on never letting go of. So many horrible visions from that time but the look in his eyes when he asked for help and I answered him by igniting my lightsaber...that vision will haunt me forever. And it keeps me on the right path.

By the time morning break rolled around, I was feeling agitated. There hadn't been any real issues in my classes so I had plenty of time to dwell on the mornings events. I was pretty sure by then that the twins had done something wrong and Padme was going to be angry with me. If they acted like they do sometimes, I could just picture her using that as justification to try and take them away from me again.

They aren't bad children. Just mischievous. And force sensitive. A bad combination at times, but nothing that can't be handled. Padme just doesn't have the patience. And she hates that they are anything like me. I remember when she loved me and my abilities often brought a smile to her face. Now she looks at me as though I were some disease that should be wiped out. The twins suffer for being my children.

As I walked to the cafeteria, I envisioned them talking their mother into an experiment like we often do. Maybe there was an accident and Padme's hair ended up like Leia's did after our volcano attempt. Maybe she hadn't been as lucky, though and needed to stay out of the public eye until it could be repaired. I was convinced it had to be a simple explanation like that. Although Padme wouldn't see it as simple. No, there would be a fight. Accusations of me letting them run wild. An unfit father. Threats of lawyers. I stopped to rub my aching temples before confronting the twins.

They were making their way toward our table when they saw me enter. Luke stiffened and quickly looked away. Leia said something to him and he nodded. They put their trays on the table but made no attempt at eating. I sat across from them and waited expectantly for the confessions to begin. Instead, Leia frowned at me.

"Why aren't you eating Daddy?"

"Because I'm not very hungry. How was your morning?"

She smiled and looked up at me with those innocent eyes. Padme's eyes. "We had a good morning, Daddy. Luke and I didn't fight once. Master Gallia told us she could tell we have been practicing. And Master Windu told me he was proud of me that I didn't interrupt him during jedi theory!"

I rubbed her cheek and smiled. "Good girl, Leia. I'm proud of you, too." I looked over to Luke who was moving his food around the plate with his fork and avoiding my gaze. While Leia had started talking in sentences even before her first birthday, Luke didn't talk much at all. He let his sister handle most of the communication for the both of them.

"And Luke, how about you?" I tried to sound as gentle as possible to not upset him any further.

"It was good, Daddy." His eyes met mine for the first time. I could feel the fear and hesitation in him. It was time to get things out in the open.

"I'm glad, Luke. Now. Is there something the two of you want to tell me about? Something that happened with Mommy?"

Luke looked away and Leia stabbed at a piece of fruit. "Not really, Daddy. It's impolite to talk with your mouth full." and she popped the food in her mouth.

"Well, I promise I won't get mad. Whatever happened can be fixed and I can't help you if you don't tell me. We aren't leaving this table until I find out so unless you two want to explain to Master Yoda why you missed meditation class, I suggest you start talking."

Leia continued eating as though I hadn't said anything. Luke glanced nervously at her and then at me. He was struggling with it. If Leia weren't here he would have opened up. Maybe getting Obi Wan was a good idea. Luke took a deep breath.

"Do you promise you won't be mad? Even if we used our force powers outside the temple?"

Leia dropped her fork. "Luke! We promised!"

"But Leia, Daddy can help."

"We don't need his help."

I was horrified as my own words from that dark time came out of my baby girl's mouth. And spoken with the same contempt. Something much worse than a little experiment gone awry had happened.

"What's wrong? Tell me what happened now, you're both scaring me. I promise I won't get angry. No matter what."

Leia lifted her chin and crossed her arms. "That's a promise you can't keep, Daddy."

"When have I ever been angry with you? There were times I could have been, maybe should have been, but when have I ever been cross with either of you? What are you so afraid to tell me about?"

"Mommy said you'd do bad things if you found out." Luke's voice was barely a whisper.

"Bad things? Like what?"

"Luke, you promised! We both promised Mother! You know what will happen. She isn't Daddy's concern anymore. You know that. Besides, you'll get into trouble for what you did."

"You did it too!"

"I didn't use my lightsaber!"

"Yeah but you used a force push and you broke the lamp!"

"Well, you wiped Threepio's memory, Luke!"

This was worse than I imagined.

"Twins, stop it. Right now."

Luke using his lightsaber? Leia using the force to break things? Threepio's memory wiped? I definitely should have altered his programs before this, obviously.

"What? Why did Threepio get his memory wiped?"

They looked at one another and then Leia rolled her eyes in defeat.

"Mommy told Luke to do it. After we turned him back on. He had to be shut down because he was hysterical."

"Hysterical? Threepio? What was so funny?"

Leia shook her head as though I was the dumbest man on the planet. She reminded me so much of Padme in that moment.

"Not hysterical funny, Daddy. Hysterical as in a panic."

"He lost it when he saw the blood. Mommy told Leia to shut him down."

"Blood? What happened! Were you hurt?"

They both just looked at me, sadness in their eyes. Tears threatened to roll down both their cheeks and I held my arms out for them to come to me. I picked them both up, one on each hip and left the cafeteria to find a more private spot to talk. We made our way into one of the meditation chambers where I sat down on the large cushions and held them close to me. Luke was crying softly but Leia remained stoic. She refused to let the tears fall. She put her little hands on my cheeks and looked straight into my eyes.

"Don't do bad things, Daddy. And don't tell Mommy we told. She'll hate me even more."

My heart broke. I kissed the top of her head and rested it under my chin, rocking her.

"Mommy doesn't hate you. She loves you both. She just doesn't understand you sometimes. The jedi ways. It isn't your fault." I could feel her let go as the front of my tunic was splashed with her tears.

"Tell me what happened. Is Mommy okay?"

"No, she isn't. She says she is. But I know it isn't true." Luke sniffled and wiped his eyes with the back of his sleeve. Leia held onto me tighter but remained silent.

"She was upset with us. We made a mess of ourselves when she took us to the park. We got a little muddy and Leia ripped her new dress. Mommy was going to put us in our room after dinner to think about what we did. We were helping clean up the dishes when the doorbell rang." He paused and looked at Leia who refused to lift her head.

"It was somebody from the Senate. Mommy wasn't happy to see him. She told him it was her day off and that we were out of sorts and had to be dealt with. I didn't hear everything they said but she finally told him to wait in the living room while she got us settled. She put us in our room and left Threepio with instructions to explain the social implications of disobedience to us. Like we haven't heard that one before."

He stopped talking and the only sound in the room was Leia's soft crying. I felt cold. An unfamiliar man in the apartment with Padme and the twins alone? Maybe I was going to do bad things. I rubbed his back and encouraged him to continue.

"Well, a while later we thought Mommy was laughing. We didn't realize she was actually crying until we heard a crash. I got scared at first but then I tuned into the force. I sensed Mommy couldn't breathe. Leia did too. I grabbed my lightsaber without thinking and we left the room even though we were told not to."

He pulled away from me and went to stand by the window. Leia shifted and wrapped her arms tightly around my waist. I fought the urge to be sick as I pictured what the twins saw when they got to their mother. Padme. My angel. Even after everything that has happened between us I still feel the same about her. The thought of anyone harming a single hair on her head...

"She was on the floor and he was on top of her." Luke swallowed hard trying to find the words. Leia looked up at me, the fear etched on her face.

"Her dress was torn, Daddy. And he was holding his hand over her mouth. She kept fighting but it wasn't working. Luke and I just stood there. She pushed his hands away and told him we would hear. We did hear, Daddy! We did!"

"She kept saying no and please stop. He yelled at her to shut up and raised his hand..." Luke covered his face, unable to continue.

"Mommy stopped fighting then and was still. When he raised his hand back up, we saw blood on it. I don't remember how it happened but I pushed him with my mind and sent a lamp at his head."

"And the next thing I knew, I was holding my lightsaber at his throat. He kinda laughed at first, but then he realized. He looked at both of us and backed away slowly, telling us he meant no harm. He told us that while he still had Mommy's blood on his hand!"

Luke came running back to me and threw himself onto my lap crying. Leia smoothed his hair gently.

"Luke locked the door and enabled the alarm as soon as the bad man left. Threepio had come out of the bedroom and got upset. Mommy started to wake up and we all helped her to the chair. Her eye. And her mouth. There was a lot of blood. Threepio was running around getting towels and ice and yelling about calling for you, Daddy. Mommy told me to shut him down. She told us she was proud of us and that we saved her. She said everything was alright but her face..."

"It hurt, Daddy! I could feel her pain!"

"We helped her clean up. Luke wiped Threepio's memory. She made us promise not to tell anyone, but especially not you. She said she wasn't your concern anymore. She said you'd do bad things if you found out, Daddy."

"She told us she was fine, but I heard her crying in the fresher later. I could feel that she wasn't fine."

I tried hard to swallow the lump that had formed in my throat. Shock washed over me and I felt as though I were having another horrific vision. The twins were looking up at me with terror in their eyes.

"You did well. I'm proud of you both. You defended your mother. Why would you think I'd be mad at you for that? It's over now. I'll take care of things and make sure that man never comes back and hurts you or your mother again, okay?"

I smiled at them with a warmth I didn't feel in my heart. Bad things? They had no idea.....


End file.
